04x05 - He Ain't Much But He's Mine

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ALARM BUZZES]

[TURNS ALARM OFF]
Aah!

Good morning, honey.

BOTH:
Uugh...

Mwah.

Gee, you were great
last night, Al.

You snored "Vaya con Dios"
in your sleep,

while your nose hairs

swayed romantically
to the b*at.

Yeah, you were pretty good
yourself, Peg.

You sweated your silhouette
on the sheets.

Oh, honey, let's do
something special tonight.

You know, like we used to.

You mean, like, I say
I don't wanna get married,

and you
book the hall?

Actually,
I was thinking

we could find
someplace romantic

and grope each other
in the dark.

I couldn't find anything
in the dark.

None of
the important parts

are where
they used to be.

Actually,
you couldn't find them

in the light, either.
Ha, ha, ha.

Pillow talk
all you want, Peg,

but tonight's
bowling night.

I can't be with you.

I'm gonna have fun.

Well, it's just as well.

I'm gonna be pretty tired

after a whole day
in the beauty parlor.

Ha, ha, ha.

I guess we can't
put it off any longer.

We've both got a lot
to do. Come on.

[AL GRUNTS]
[PEG SIGHS]

Ah!

What do you want
for breakfast, honey?

Bacon and eggs?

AL:
Ah, that'd be great.

Good. While you're at it,
make me some too.

[CUSTOMERS LAUGH]

Ok, ok, ok, ok.
How 'bout this:

How much would it take

for you to do
the deed of darkness

with Garry Shandling?

[IN UNISON]
Ewww!

Ten million.

Twenty if he
wants to talk.

[ALL LAUGH]

How about
with Sonya's husband?

[IN UNISON]
Ewww!

We'll be with you
in a minute, Mrs. Rhoades.

Oh...

I'm kind of
nervous about this.

I don't like new people
doing my hair.

Why did Mr. Maurice

have to get in that
slap fight with Julio?

Don't worry, Marcy.
You'll look great.

They're known for
tailoring each hairdo

to the individual.

So when was the last time
you got it, Peggy?
Hooh!

Got it,
or got it good?

[ALL LAUGH]

Bleached.

Siliconed.

Kept.

Happy.

We're ready for you now,
Mrs. Rhoades,

and we're gonna
make you beautiful.

Do you sell insurance,
like at the airport?

What's wrong with
our husbands, anyway?

We go out
of our way

to look beautiful
for them,

and all we are

are things to strike
a match on.

I know.

The only time
Al looks at me

is when he wants
the cap off his beer.

As if his teeth
aren't as good as mine!

I'll tell ya, if I could get
the paper boy

to come up for some
hot cocoa just once,

I'd chuck my husband
in a second.

Husbands.

Actually, husbands
are wonderful...

if they're not
your own.

Well, they're grateful for
the smallest bit of attention.

They're horny
as all get-out.

And the best part of it:

their spirit's
already been broken.

Well, isn't breaking it
part of the fun?

Oh, no. The fun is
the condos, the cars

and the sex every night.
Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, believe me,

the best things in life
are someone else's.

Well, when do you
get to see him?

I mean,
how do husbands get out?

Well, they may
appear stupid,

but they usually find
an excuse to get away.

Usually bowling.

That's what
my current guy says.

He is married
to a real shrew.

She doesn't cook for him.
She doesn't clean for him.

Well, it's so easy
to please a man who has nothing.

Fry him up a burger,

and you get a -inch Sony.

Are you ready for your
color now, dear?

Oh, sure.

Now, don't let it
go red.

He says that color

makes him want
to throw up.

Hey, everybody,
Al's cheating on Peggy!

PEG [UPSTAIRS]:
Oh, Marcy, stop complaining.

I think you look great.

Oh, Marcy,
I'm really worried

about Al and this
other woman.

Oh, who cares about
your petty problems?

I'm a helmet-head!

BOY [ON STREET]:
Look! It's the Pope!

Lick a wall socket!

Don't worry.
Just do what I said,

and your girlfriend
will never find out
you're cheating on her.

Trust me.
I'm an expert.

All right.
I'll see you tonight

under the bleachers.

Oh, and this time,

leave your camera at home.
Thanks. Bye.

Kelly, I wanna talk to you
about something.

I'm a good girl,
Mommy.

I said no camera.

Oh, I don't care
what you do.

This is about me.

Bud, get lost.

Honey, look.

You've obviously
been "the other woman"

ever since you learned

to slit your diapers
up the side.

But tell me,

how come their girlfriends
never find out?

Well, you know,

people throw the word
"hussy" around,

but they don't understand

the research
and preparation involved.

No guy walks
away from me

without lessons in
the art of cover-up.

And the number
of the free clinic.

Go look in the mirror
and twitch.

Anyway, the first thing
that I teach them

is that a woman
can pick up the scent

of another woman on her man.

So, to get rid of it,

I have them rub
their hands in the grass.

Does he ask you to move,

or does he
work around you?

Is there no kennel
that will take him?

Bud, please.

We both know
your sister's not a tramp.

She's just popular.

Ok. Date's over.
Your smell's off him.

Now what?

[SIGHS]
Always make sure
they have an excuse.

Somewhere
they've been. Um...

The library,
their parole officer,

the drunk t*nk.

Bowling?

Well, that works
for older guys.

Hm. Your father's
out bowling tonight.

Oh, well,
I mean--

I meant people older
than Daddy.

Are there any?

Hey, Mom.

Do you think
Dad's cheating on you?

Oh, of course not.

Good. 'Cause we
don't wanna see

you and Dad
break up.

We're almost like
a family here.

You two should stay
together forever.

However,

if you find
that you can't,

may I suggest
Mr. Rudnick, the butcher?

He makes
a nice living.

We'd always have
fresh meat on the table

and season tickets
to the Cubs.

Can't say I like the sound
of Bud Rudnick.

But pound for pound,
he's the better father.

Oh, wait.
Not so fast, Bud.

I've been scoping out

Mr. Fletcher,
the dry cleaner.

He's got a Porsche,
cable TV and a bad heart.

Rudnick.

Fletcher.

Rudnick!
Fletcher!

Kids!

Now, your father and I
love each other very much.

And I'm gonna do
everything in my power

to make sure
we stay together.

Then what did you get us
all excited for?

Is this another one
of your cruel jokes?

Yeah, what are we,

just playthings
for your amusement?

Oh, that reminds me.
I'm late for my date.

AL:
Hi, Kelly.

Hey,

what are you throwing
the grass on me for?

KELLY:
'Cause I don't
wanna be a Rudnick.

Hello, Al.

How was, uh...
bowling?

Well, Peg,
it was, uh...fine.

Good.

[SNIFFS WILDLY]

[SNIFFS]

Well, Peg,
what's next?

We go out,
find a fire hydrant,

lift our legs?

I just wanted
to make sure

all the smells
are where they should be.

Ooh!

And they are.

Is that a burger
I smell on your breath?

No, Peg,
it's our wedding cake.

That's the last time
I ate.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

What's going on
around here?

I might ask you
the same thing,

Mr. -inch Sony.

Don't call me a TV
in my own home.

You're a TV.

BUD [UPSTAIRS]:
Dad, it's for you. Some woman.

Hello.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
I guess I can make it.

Ok, yeah, yeah.
Bye.

That was
Jim Bauer's wife.

It looks like he got some kind
of stomach flu or something.

It looks like I got to
work for him at the store

the rest of the week.

Anything for supper?

I hate you, Al.

Toaster!

[SIZZLING]

PEG:
I'll show that woman
she's not the only one

who can cook a burger.

Oh, so...

So you, like,
reverse it?

It's called
"flipping it over."

That way, it gets cooked
on both sides.

Oh. Gee.

I wonder if that would work
with pancakes?

Oh, Marcy,
I can't believe it.

I've taken the best years
of Al's life,

and this is how
he thanks me.

Peggy, I really
don't think

Al's cheating on you.

I took an impromptu poll
of all the women I know,

and as far as
his desirability,

Al ranked below Alf.

Which means
they'd rather make love

to a piece of cloth
with a man's hand in it...

than with your husband.

What if he is
cheatin' on me?

Stand by your man...

in court.

Take him for
everything,

and get yourself
another man.

A real man.

I don't want
a real man.

I want Al.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

Have you ever had

a favorite pair
of old shoes?

They're boring
and ugly

and stink
to high heaven.

But they're yours,
you know?

They're worn down
and broken in,

and when you
put 'em on,

it feels like
there's nothing there.

Ha, ha, ha.
That's my Al.

I've lost my
stinkin' Al.

Aw...

Not yet.

I told you, I had Steve
wear a disguise

and follow Al
since last night.

He has nothing else
to do,

because he won't go near me
with this hair.

Hello, Peggy.

Bee-woman.

So, what'd ya find out
about Al?

I found out that he has
the most pathetic life

of any creature
on this planet...

and has nicer hair
than my wife.

Heh, heh, heh!

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Uh... Ahem...
Now for my report.

"Subject arrived at work
at p.m. last night.

"Wept till : .
Then turned on lights.

"Inventory till : .
Bathroom till .

" : : Ate dinner consisting of
packaged condiments

"he lifted from Barney Dog.

" : : The mall
security guard comes by,

"clubs me about the head
and ears

and takes my watch."

So from here on,

I don't know what time
anything happens.

"Went home."

Looked at the
sleeping Klingon

that used to be
my wife--

Come on, lice-capade.

Is he cheatin' on me
or not?

Absolutely not.

You are a liar.

All you men
stick together.

Yeah.

You probably weren't even
watching Al.

Where have you been?

You got me.

An old girlfriend,
Kathleen Turner, was in town.

So I rubbed some
grime and lice on my body,

and we went
dumpster hopping.

Well, you hate my hair
so much,

you'd really do that,
wouldn't you?

Well...

Yeah.

Well, let's just see
Kathleen Turner

make melon balls
for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

Hey, Peg.

I just saw
Steve and Marcy.

Boy, Marcy looks
ridiculous.

Hi, Al.

Honey, look.

Look, look, look.

I-- I made you
a hamburger,

and I even cooked it
on both sides.

Well, Peg,
I'm not hungry.

I filled up at the store
on ketchup and mustard.

Besides,
I'm going bowling tonight.

Oh, no,
you're not.

I know what
you're up to.

You're making the - split
with some blonde floozy.

That's what
this is about?

You think I'm
cheating on you?

Well, what else
am I gonna think?

You go to work,
come home.

I'm not blind,
you know.

Peg, sit down.

Honey,
you're an idiot.

You think that just because
I don't tell ya I love ya,

I don't wanna
spend any time with ya,

and your voice
often makes me cringe,

that I want
another woman?

You're the only one
for me.

You really mean that?

Well, sure.
What do I always say?

"Why go out for milk
when you got a cow at home?"

Oh, honey.

You really do love me.

Let's go upstairs
and have sex right now.

Now, honey, you know
what I always say:

"No."

Now, look, Peg.

I gotta go upstairs
and wash the feet off my hands.

I know you're cheatin' on me,
and I'll find out.

Mark my words.

I'll win you back.
And when I do,

you better pack your bags,
'cause you're out of here.

Look at her. Sitting there,
all blond and pretty.

I bet Al takes his socks off
for her.

Mine doesn't even

take the cigar
out of his mouth.

Mine does.

He rests it
on my forehead.

Oh, what could
he see in her?

Now, you know how I like it.
Just even out the ends,

but don't lose any length.

He likes it long.
Ha!

That's what
turns him on.

Oh, does it,
Al?

Marcy,

could you subtly distract
the hairdresser?

The one who did
my hair?

I'll try.

Remember,
just the ends.

Leave it long.

[MIMICKING HAIRDRESSER]
Just like he likes it.

So, uh,

how many husbands
have you stolen?

Hm. Ten or .

But the year
is still young. Ha!

And the best part is,
I've never been caught.

Oh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ah!

I guess you're just
too smart for 'em, huh?

You know, I've even had sex
in their own beds

while their wives
were out shopping.

Ha, ha, ha!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[SINGS WORDLESSLY,
LAUGHING]

Um...

Just keep on reading,
honey,

and I'll get right back,
and we'll get started.

Hi, Al.

What brings you here?

Well, judging by the condition
of my bowling ball,

I figured you might be
in a mood.

Aw, look, honey.
What the hell.

I been thinking.
You know, we're married.

You deserve a jump
every now and then.

So I checked
the TV Guide.

There's nothing on
Saturday night.

So what say
we make a date

somewhere between
eight and :

during Mr. Belvedere.

Well, maybe we could go
a little longer

if I were wearing this.

What do I care
what you're wearing?

I'll just be
watching the clock.

Come on.

I want you
to meet someone.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.
Who's this?

Who's this?

You mean, you're not
sleepin' with him?

Ha, please.
Even I have standards.

Ha, ha, ha!

So you were really jealous,
huh, Peg?

Well,
who can blame you?

Stallion like me

only comes around
once a year.

Exactly once a year.

Yeah. I guess it was
pretty silly of me

thinkin' you were
cheatin'. Ha, ha, ha!

How stupid!
Ha, ha, ha!

Like someone else
would have you.

Oh, I feel like
such a fool.

I mean, you are a middle-aged
shoe salesman.

Some woman would have to be
pretty darn desperate--

Ok, Peg.

That's enough
of an apology now.

Good night.

Al.
Leave me alone.

Oh, well.

At least
it's nice to know

I'm the only one
you're not doin' it with.

Ha, ha, ha!

Good night, honey.