04x08 - 976-SHOE

[bunniefuu]

Oh, come on.

I really don't
spend that much.

Can't I keep just one
of my credit cards?

I'll make you
a sandwich.

No, thank you,
ma'am.

I had a couple of
doughnuts this morning,

waiting for a jumper
to make up his mind.

The cards,
please.

Okay, fine.

But you ought
to be ashamed.

You really don't have
anything better to do

than harass me

when there are real
criminals out there?

I mean,
my husband alone

has over unpaid
parking tickets.

That's AlBundy,
right?

Uh-huh.

Don't tell him
that I told you.

Uh, is there any reward
for turning him in?

Hey, don't forget,

if we paid taxes,
we'd be paying your salary.

Well, kids, we have
no more credit cards.

Let this be
a lesson to you.

Marry someone
who can afford you.

Mom, was there
ever a time

when Dad could have
made something of his life?

Yes, actually,
back before you were born,

I remember we were
watching TV,

and he said,
"I wish there was some way

to change the channel
from my seat."

That was as close
as he ever came.

Still not
a bad idea.

Hi, honey.
How was your day?

Hey, I came home.

How good could it
have been?

But at least I got to cheer
the guys up at the gas station.

See, after I filled up
the old w*r-wagon,

I pulled out
the credit card.

They pulled out the switchblade,
cut it up.

Then we all laughed.

Then they
gave me a hose,

made me suck all the gas
back out of the car.

But I got the last laugh,
though.

I swallowed about
cents worth.

Well, let's take
your mind off it.

Here are the bills.

Feel better,
honey?

Ed McMahon says I may
owe him $ million?

Oh, what are the chances
of it really being you?

Ah, the phone bill.

Hey, we qualify
for the gold bill.

That's great!
I knew we
could do it!

Peg, Peg, could you
cut out the festivities

till after I'm done?

Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee,

that's the town
they built

around your mother,
isn't it, Peg?

Look at all
these toll calls!

Who called
the lust line?

Well, it's not
what you think, Dad.

It's just
naked girls

talking dirty to me
on the phone.

Well, that's okay,
then.

What about these three pages
of toll calls

to the heavy metal
hotline?

Oh, then, that must
have been me, Dad.

But I was saving
you money.

How did you
do that, pumpkin?

Well, because they said
that it's $ .

for the first minute

and cents for each
additional minute.

So, rather than
get charged extra,

I'd hang up after a minute,
and then call back.

Well, at least
she's trying, Al.

Oh, God!

See, honey, we're sorry
you had a bad day.

Would you like
some dinner?

Yeah.

Gee, I was hoping
you'd say no.

Oh, hey, Dad,
Mrs. Donnelly called,

and she said her slipper
won't fit over her bunion,

and she wants to know
what she should do.

Start walking
on all fours

the way God
intended her to.

What's wrong
with these people?

If I had a dime
for every time

they called me
and asked for shoe advice, I--

Wait a second.
I just had a vision.

Peg, I think I know a way
that we can make a fortune.

You want to hear
about it?

No.
Not really.

I don't think so.

I'll give you a hint.

What can I do better
than anyone else?

Stink up a shoe?

Sweat through the couch?

Miss the toilet
in the dark?

Hey, Marcie.
Guess what.

I'm closing another loan,

and that puts me
in the lead

for that free trip
to Hawaii.

Yeah, the hick's signing
the papers right now.

Oh, not you.

I was talking
about some other hick.

Uh, listen, Marce,
the hick is staring at me.

I gotta go.

Keep the poi
warm for Daddy.

Thank you,
Mr. Rhoades.

Your loan
saved our farm.

Well, you know,
we only care about you.

Well, you know, you really have
to come for supper one night.

Yeah, right, watch for me
in the window.

Aloha!

I'm in the lead.

* I'm in the lead *

I'm going
to Hawaii.

Hey, Steve.

I'm glad
I caught you.

I need a loan.

See, I'm gonna buy
my own toll line.

Yeah,
it'll be great.

People'll pay
bucks a pop

just to talk
to me.

Now, I know what
you're thinking,

it's just another
sex line, but it isn't.

This is something that
I know something about.

Ready?

-SHOE.

Al, no banker
in his right mind

would give you
cents

for such a moronic,
bunny-brained idea.

[WHISTLES]

Ha-ha.

Aloha,
Rhoades.

Ha-ha.

Al, you've got
your loan.

You need $ , ,
you say?

Well, actually,
I only need .

No, you need .

Sign right here.

We'll fill in
the rest later.

[BELL RINGS]

Hawaii! Hawaii!

Ha-ha.

Tiny bubbles
up your nose, Swensen.

Rhoades, I want
to talk to you.

Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Peamon.
Right away, sir.

Get lost, Al.
It's the president.

I voted
for you.

What did you want
to see me about, sir?

Rhoades, do you know
how many loans

you've written this year
that have gone bad?

One or two.

Forty.

[MOUTHING]

Well, I guess that gives me
something to think about

while I'm on
that beach in Hawaii.

Well, I hope your zeal
to win this trip

hasn't affected
your judgment.

For example,
let's talk about

the loan that
put you over the top.

Yes, sir.
The, uh, Bundy loan.

Solid as they come.

You really believe
in the loan?

With my heart
and soul, sir.

Would you put your job
on the line for it?

No, sir.

Then I will.

If this Bundy
doesn't come through,

you're fired.

Honey, no one is
stupid enough

to call
a shoe hotline.

Oh yeah?

Well, everyone
in high school

said no one
was stupid enough

to marry
the big redhead.

But someone was,
wasn't he?

Oh, look.

Daddy's commercial's
coming on.

Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.

The man on the side
of your feet.

I'm
a goner.

Shh!

Excuse me.
I'm getting a call.

[RINGS]

Dr. Shoe.

Hello.

Oh, Dr. Shoe,
I don't know what to do.

I'm going to a party
in five minutes,

and my shoes are too tight
for both of my feet.

Ouch.

Can you help me?

Has this
happened to you?

I'm willing
to bet that it has.

As a matter of fact,

I'm betting , bucks
that it has.

So, if you're
like Muffy here,

heh, heh,

or even if you're
just fat and ugly

and have
a shoe problem,

call me
on the shoe line.

That's -SHOE.

Can I help?

Shoe betcha!

I feel
better already.

And don't forget.

Se habla shoe.

I see you're all
looking at me

a little bit
differently now.

Okay, everybody,

man your positions
by the phone.

Research shows percent
of the calls happen

in the first
three minutes.

Let's go!
Let's go!

Honey,

let's just say
that for one minute,

this shoe line
doesn't work out.

Not that I'm being
negative, mind you.

It's just that no one
has called today,

and no one will call
for a million years.

So, uh, honey,

just out of curiosity,

what did you use
for collateral?

The only thing
we have.

Our plunger with
, miles on it?

Yeah, that's right, Peg.
Keep on stroking me.

No, and this is where I made
my most brilliant move.

All I had to do was
sign over the house.

Good, honey.

I was getting sick
of living indoors.

Ok, kids. Come on,
it's almost midnight.

Time for bed.

Come on.

[GROANS]

Did Dad get
any calls?

Yeah, Mom called
him an idiot.

Steve, you haven't
given up on me, have you?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Dr. Shoe!

It's the
doorbell, Al.

Well, get it, Peg.
I'm on the phone.

Dr. Shoe.

The government
should be paying us.

I mean, if he's
not disabled, who is?

Well, Steve, you told me
not to yell at you

about the loan
until midnight.

Then I'd see.

What am
I seeing?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Well, Steve?

He hasn't spoken
for hours, Marcie.

Don't you pull that
coma stuff with me, Steven!

You loaned
this man $ , ?

That's $ ,
an IQ point.

And I can't
blame Al.

A man gives
a g*n to a chimp,

and the chimp
sh**t someone,

you don't
blame the chimp.

Hey! That was a hidden
dig at me, wasn't it?

Well, let me tell
you something.

The opera ain't over

till the last heterosexual
falls asleep.

This idea
will work.

How many calls
did you get tonight, Al?

Dr. Shoe's files
are confidential.

None.
You got none!

None today.

Tomorrow,
twice as many!

This is what you
loan money to?

I wanted
to go to Hawaii.

Oh, well, Steve,

I guess much like
our honeymoon,

it's up to me
to finish the job,

and pay the bill.

Al, I'm going to
loan you $ , .

We're rich!

We're rich,
honey!

I told you
I could do it, Peg!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, shut up.

It's so you can
repay the loan

and the human
dribble-glass here
can keep his job.

I've got a good record
at my bank.

I can bury
one bad loan.

Al, I'll be over
in the morning
with the paperwork.

Let's go, Steve.

Come home
and service me.

And God help you
if you screw that up!

This is your fault.
You should have to go.

Come!

Yes, dear.

Boy, if you had
to service me

every time you did
something stupid,

I'd be as flat
as an all-beef patty.

Well, honey, at least
this stupid idea

didn't cost us
anything.

No, Peg, it didn't cost
Steve anything.

We still
owe $ , ,

it's just
to another bank.

So, I'll be broke
and living in the gutter,

but, Peg, will
I still have you?

Aw, Al, you know
I'd never leave you.
Yeah.

Then I truly
have nothing.

But I'm not going

to roll over
and play dead.

Oh, yes, save something
for when we go to bed.

No, my little
thumbscrew.

I'm getting an idea.

I'm not going
to pay Steve back.

I'm going to reinvest
in my shoe line.

Al Bundy is not going into
the gutter owing $ , .

I'm going into the gutter
owing $ , .

Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe.

Awhile back,
I advertised my shoe line,

but apparently,
you weren't watching.

So I'm back.

Now, you can't tell me you
haven't bought defective shoes,

'cause I know.

I sell 'em.

So call -SHOE.

Even if you don't
have a problem,

and you just want
to talk about feet.

Call.
I'm serious.

This is not
a recorded message.

I am a human being,
damn it!

That number is

-SHOE.

Let's go!

Hi, Dr. Shoe again.

I've been telling you
about my shoe line.

Nobody cares.

So let me mention
something else here.

-SHOE also spells

-RIND,

-PINF,

and -RGNE.

Remember, nobody knows
as much about "rgne"

as Dr. Rgne.

Hello,
It's Dr. Shoe again.

I've made several pleas
and nobody cares,

so let's cut the crap,
and get to it.

I want to introduce
you to some people.

This is Mrs. Shoe.

My daughter,
Kelly Shoe.

My son,
Bud Shoe.

And Buck,
the Shoe dog.

We're starving.

Could you
please call?

You don't have
to talk to me.

Just hang up.

It's charity,
for God's sake.

Kids, you don't even need
your parents' permission.

It'll-it'll just be
our little secret.

MAN'S VOICE:
Time's up, Bundy.

Uh, please call,
please call. Let's rap.

Uh, you want
somebody dead?

I'll k*ll them.

Please call.

That number
again is--

This is what you did
with my $ , ?

Another satisfied customer.
You can be too.

Aah! Please call me.

Hey, Peg,

I thought you
were going to meet us

down at the courthouse.

Oh,

Was that today?

Uh...

Oh, there it is.

Right there
in black and white:

"Al's sentencing."

Well, I'll just have
to make the next one.

So, how was it?

Oh,
it was so cool.

The judge
laughed at Daddy,

and then he got serious,
so he yelled at him,

and then he laughed
at him again,

and then everybody
started laughing at Daddy.

It was so funny.

I can't believe
I missed it.

Oh, it was great.

The trial had
everything.

Crying--that
was Mr. Rhoades.

He lost his job,
you know.

And then,

there was an honest
to goodness fit.

That was
Mrs. Rhoades.

She got demoted
to drive-up window teller.

And then Daddy and the judge
and a whole bunch of lawyers

went into this chamber.

Bring it home,
Daddy.

Well, after the lawyers
got done going,

"Hey, did you check out
the blond bimbo

in the red mini?"

That was me.

Anyhow,

then we finally
got down to business.

I begged
for the death penalty,

but they insisted
that I learn a lesson.

So to pay back
the $ , I owe,

the banks agreed
to extend my mortgage

for a couple
of years.

How many?

Oh, a hundred.

So by the year
,

we'll have
the second one paid-off.

Then I can retire.

No, no, no,
Dad.

Then you start paying off
your parking tickets.

Hey, how the hell did they
find out about that anyway?

Gee, it must have
been that darn Steve.

Aw, but come on.
Buck up, honey.

Don't worry.

I'll always be
your Mrs. Shoe.

And we'll always be
your little Shoes.

Shoe betcha!

So you haven't lost
any more respect for me?

Oh, now, that
would be impossible,

wouldn't it, kids?

I mean, honey,
you lost $ , .

How many men who earn
less than a fry cook

can say they lost
$ , ?

Fry cook?

Dad makes less than
the newspaper boy.

A street mime.

The guy who scrapes
dead animals off the highway.

A lab
animal.

A circus geek.

A barnacle
scraper.

A professional
miniature golfer.

A qualified
teacher.