04x09 - Oh, What a Feeling

[bunniefuu]

[BEACH BOYS'
"I GET AROUND" PLAYING]

* I get around, yeah *

* Get around round round
I get around *

* I get around *

* Get around round round
I get around *

* From town to town *

* Get around round round
I get around *

* I'm a real cool head *

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

[PANTING]

Yep, one more payment
and you're all mine.

Hi, Daddy.

I saw you pushing the car.
Doesn't it work?

Well, sure it does,
honey.

It was just such
a nice day,

I didn't want to waste
it sitting in the car,

like all those other
jerks on the expressway.

Of course
it doesn't work.

Honey, if you saw Dad
pushing it,

why didn't you
come and give me a hand?

Well, it looked
pretty boring.

I mean you were going
so slow and everything.

You know, a person could get
a heart att*ck

pushing a car
in this heat.

And then you gotta
think about Mom.

What would she do
if she lost both of us?

If you kick, it's okay 'cause
she can always marry again,

but if I went--

Kelly, honey!

Forget about it,
okay?

Just give old Dad
a chance

to push his spleen
back through his navel.

Hey, Dad.

Saw you pushing
the old car.

Me and my friends

never thought you'd
make it up the hill.

Did you ever think
about helping old Dad?

In this heat?

You know, you kids
have been so great.

Why don't you just hop
in the car,

and I'll push the two of you
down to the ice cream parlor.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, and push it fast
so we look cool, okay?

Dad, why don't we
just get a new car?

Bud, you don't throw
something away

just 'cause it
doesn't work.

If that was the case,
you wouldn't have a mother.

Now, let's find exactly what
is wrong with this car.

[GRUNTS]

Ah, ya stinking
old pile of junk.

Junk pile.

Daddy, can't we do this
after we get ice cream?

Kelly, we already
got ice cream,

and we're home.

Get out
of the car.

I didn't get any.

Kelly, get back
in the car.

Bud, did you
get ice cream?

BUD:
Uh, yeah, Kel.
It was great.

Where was I?

Kelly, honey,
can you hear me?

[HORN HONKS]

Ow!

Good, good.

Now, honey,
when I say "now,"

turn it over,

and try not to honk
the horn, okay?

[HORN HONKS]

That meant "okay,"
Daddy.

Good, good.

Are you sure
you know

what you're doing
in there?

You know, Bud,

you're starting to sound
like your mother.

Uh-huh, yeah.

I see there's some dirt
on the round thing.

All right,
I think I got it.

Kelly,
turn it on.

Uh, Dad, you might want
to tell Kelly

to use the key,

or she might start
rubbing up against it.

Kelly knows what
she's doing, Bud.

She's not
an idiot.

Use the key,
honey.

[WEAK ENGINE NOISE]

It's no use.
I know that sound.

That's a death rattle.

I make it myself
every morning.

Go in the house.

Get out of the car,
Kelly.

Get in the car.
Get out of the car.

Get in the car.
Get out of the car.

You know, you're starting
to sound like one of my dates.

They promise me
ice cream too,

but they never
give me any.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Kelly.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Bud.

Hi, Peg.

And before you say hi
to the milkman, it's me.

I know.

I have a nose.

By the way,
honey,

I saw you pushing
your car home.

Doesn't it work?

Peg, if you saw me
pushing the car home,

why didn't you
help me?

Well, I saw the kids
out there,

and I figured if they weren't
going to help, why should I?

Kids, I have a little family
announcement to make,

but since I don't have
an actual family,

I'll say it to you.

I have decided
that it's time

for me to buy
a new car.

Oh, that's great!
A new car!

I want a Cadillac.

I want
a Ferrari.

I want
a Porsche.

Your wishes
mean nothing to me.

It's going to be
my car,

and I'll decide
what I'm getting.

Yeah, just don't get
another weenie-mobile.

If I want a weenie-mobile,
I'll buy a weenie-mobile.

At least it'll be
a new weenie-mobile.

A new car
at last.

Anything I've ever
owned has been used.

My car, my house,
my...

Kids, today you're
going to witness

the last great
American tradition.

Daddy's buying
a new car,

and I wanted my family
to share the experience.

Well, then, shouldn't
we have brought Mom?

Let her get
her own family.

Hey, Dad, you going to
tell us what's in
the box now?

Ten years
of my life, son.

Hm. It's an awful
big box for that, Dad.

"Oh, an awful
big box."

Do you think that Dad
likes to be reminded

that the last decade
of his life

is one big goose egg,

a vast wasteland,

a black hole
from which hope

can neither enter
nor escape?

Shut up and humor him like
we do on Father's Day, okay?

You're the greatest,
Daddy!

Yeah, Dad,

you're the "bestest" Dad
in the whole, wide world.

Now, tell us
more about your
magic shoe.

It's not a shoe,
you dolts.

You're looking
at $ , .

Mine,
animals.

Mine,
animals.

Took me years
to save for this.

Cutting corners
for years,

using the same
razor blade,

using the same
TV guide,

reusing the same
mouthwash.

And now, finally,
the fruits of my suffering.

Well,

I thought we were the fruits
of your suffering, Daddy.

No, you're the vegetables
of my suffering.

But anyhow, I buried my box
so deep in the backyard

that the devil himself,
your mother,

could not find it.

And this
is my new car!

BUD:
Oh, yeah.

Get in.

Ah.

Take a deep breath,
kids.

[INHALING SOUND]

That's enough. You're
sucking up all the new.

What do you think,
kids?

Well, I don't know.

There's not a lot
of room back here.

Well...

that might
be because

you're not lying down
like usual.

Hey, Dad, don't
forget to buy

a "neutered boy
on board" sticker.

Oh, yeah,
and rubber seats,

you know, for his
little problem.

Yeah, well,

I guess this
will be okay.

Ah, I don't care.

I'm in a new car,
and I'm still alive.

Oh, God.

Now kids, wait till the salesman
comes over here.

You'll see old Dad
wheel and deal then.

Were you wheeling
and dealing

when you sold our old car
for a ride over here?

Hey, Dad?

If he won't deal,
show him some leg.

I got a Walkman
for bucks once.

Lie down, Kelly.

Can I help you,
sir?

Yeah, the sticker
on this says $ , ,

but, uh, how much
is it really?

Fifteen thousand.

Okay, I'll tell you
what I'll do. Uh...

I give you .

Great!

But if you want the car,
it'll be .

Let's say .
Fifteen.

Fourteen.
Fifteen.

Okay, but I want you
to throw in

air-conditioning,
no charge.
Nope.

Okay, but I want you
to throw in a stereo.
Nope.

Undercoating.
Uh-uh.

Okay.

But I'm not driving
out of here

till I have a wooden
gearshift knob, no extra cost.

Let me think.

Hey, Vince.

Yup.

How much is a plastic
wooden-gearshift knob?

Twenty-five
cents.

I give it to you
for bucks.

Deal, sucker!

[LAUGHING]

How do you
intend to pay?

Well, how does a $ ,
deposit sound?

Bud, peel him off
big ones.

Well, I'd love to,
Dad,

but all you got
is $ .

Is that all?

Well,
that and a red hair.

Hello, snookums.

Peg, I wanna
talk to you.

Yeah, well, actually,
I wanna talk to you too.

Can we have
a maid?

This place
is such a mess.

God.

Peg, let me
ask you something.

In your travels
in the back yard,

say about eight paces
from the tree,

twelve-feet down.

Did you ever
find a box,

with, say,
oh, about, uh,

$ , in it?

Was that yours?

Yes.

Where do you think
it came from?

Well, I just figured
that, uh,

before the white man
settled the area,

the Indians
buried it there.

Uh-huh.

Well, why would
theIndians

write "Al"
on the box?

Well,

I just thought that, uh,
someone k*lled the guy

before he wrote,

"A lot of money
for whoever finds it."

Well, then, I guess I have
some bad news for me.

See, that was
my new car fund, Peg,

a long,
long time ago.

Peg, how could
you spend $ , ?

Well, you remember when
you yelled at me

'cause there wasn't
any juice in the house?

Well, I took some money,
and I bought you juice.

And a coat for me.

And then, remember when
you demanded dinner?

Well, I took
some more money

and I bought you
a bucket of chicken.

And a coat for Mom.

And then
the rest of it,

well, I have to admit,
I spent foolishly.

Honey, could you come out
in the back yard with me?

I have the urge
to bury something else.

You are really mad
about this?

You know, if anyone
should be mad, it's me.

You're the one who's
hiding money from me.

You would've
spent it.

Then why are you
acting so surprised?

Well, I hope
you're happy, Al.

Now I'm all tense.

Well, look, honey,
you've got $ .

Why don't we spend it
on the two of us?

You know, what do you say,
juice and a fur coat?

Well, you know, I do have
some good news, Al.

One of the girls
at the beauty parlor

said that she would buy
your old car for $ .

You've made a wise choice,
Mr. and Mrs. Whiteman.

This is the last one
we have in stock.

Pretty good deal too
at -thou.

Well, nothing's too good
for our Lewis.

Lewis got a "C"
in Francais.

I want
a Maserati.

You will take this
and like it!

I hate you!

Kids,
heh, heh.

Come on.

What can we do
for you, sir?

Oh, yeah,
the shoebox man.

Hey, look, why don't
we face facts?

You're just not
a new-car kind of guy.

Why don't you get yourself
a nice used car.

I don't want
a used car.

I want a new car,
like the little boy.

You can't
have one.

All right.
I know you're right.

I'm sorry for
wasting all your time.

[SIGHS]

Get out!

Hey, man!

[STARTS ENGINE]

Hey!

Get out of
that car!

No, no, it's mine.
It's my car.

I worked for it.

No, you can't take it,
please.

Ask him, the kid
don't even want it.

Twenty years I've toiled
by the sweat of my brow.

Whiteman, Whiteman,
listen.

That kid
is a monster.

He don't like
the car. Ask him!

Buy me one,
please.

I'd be proud
to call you "Daddy."

Take it easy now,
pal.

Come on, settle down,
big fella. Come on.

Here, here,
take this card.

Now, it's got the address
of a good used-car lot.

Now, you tell them
I sent you.

They'll treat
you right.

[WALKABOUTS'
"POOR SIDE OF TOWN" PLAYING]

* So welcome back, baby *

*To the poor side of town *

* To him you ain't nothin' *

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

Aw.
Hi, honey.

I saw you pushing

your new car
up the street.

How do you
like it?

Well, it pushes
pretty smooth,

but, uh,
it's a little rough

passing on
the expressways,

but, uh, the handling
more than makes up for it.

Sit down,
honey.

You're not happy
with your car, are you?

Well, you know,
maybe I've been--

[SIGHS]

[WRENCHING SOUND]

That's better.

Anyway, maybe I've been
a little selfish.

I mean, you are
the breadwinner,

and you work
very hard,

and you deserve
to have a good car.

So I'm going to do
something for you

that I should've done
in the first place.

You're going to
get a job

and pay me back the $
you stole from me?

Oh, Al,
you're a crackup.

Anyway,

what I am
going to do

is I'm gonna give you
the number of a guy

that can give you a great deal
on a good used car

He's the son of the guy
that I buy my shoes from.

Just mention
my name.

He'll treat you
like a king.

["KING OF THE ROAD" PLAYING]

* I'm a man of means
By no means *

* King of the Road *

* Third boxcar
Midnight train *

* Destination
Bangor, Maine *

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

Ah, no. Why?
What have I done?

Am I not fit to die?

PEGGY:
Daddy's home!

Whoo! Good choice,
honey.

It's a much
lighter car.

Yeah, I can almost
pull this one.

Dad, wouldn't it
be a lot easier

to walk to work
without the car?

Oh, come on, Bud.
Don't be stupid.

It's way too far
for Daddy to walk without a car.

You know, I can't believe
he cheated you.

Well, that's it!
I am getting in this car

and you are pushing me
back down there

so I can give this guy
a piece of my mind.

Get in the car,
kids.

Okay, um, Daddy?

I know it's a few miles
out of the way,

but could we stop
at Samantha's house?

'Cause I told her

that we could give her
a ride to the airport.

BUD:
Dad, could we drop me
at the mall?

All right, everybody,
let's hold it right there.

Now how long
have I know you guys,

what, about - years?

In that time,

I have learned to do
without several things:

a yacht,

a summer home,

love, respect, food.

I can accept that.

But I will live
not one more day

without a car
that runs.

So, no more advice.

I will go find
my own used-car lot,

and if I
come home tonight,

God willing,

it will be
behind the wheel

of something
that goes "vroom."

Al Bundy
pushes no more.

Now get out of my car.

Now,
get along the side

and help me
push this car.

Let's go.
Let's go.

That's it.
That's it.

See? It's much better
with a little help.

Now, Peg, it's your job,
very important,

when we get to
the bottom of the hill

that you get on the brakes
and stop the car.

It's very important.

[RICKY NELSON'S "I'M WALKING"
PLAYING]

* I'm walking
Yes indeed *

* I'm talking
Like you and me *

* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *

* I'm lonely
As I can be *

* And I've waited
For your company *

* I'm hoping
That you'll come back to me *

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

[HONKING HORN]

Daddy,
you're driving!

You're darn right
I am.

[LAUGHING]

Well, what
do you think?

It looks like
your old car.

Peg, that just goes to show
how little you know about cars.

My old car had
, miles on it.

This one's
only got, uh...

Eighteen.

Kids, what did we learn
from this?

That this car was
only driven

one mile per year?

No! That with
a little care,

we can still find
a very good used car

that drives
like a dream.

I'm telling you,
Peg,

this baby fits me
like a glove.

Even the
radio stations,

they're tuned into all
the old channels that I like.

Sure, it was
a little more expensive,

but they were
willing to finance,

and in three years,
this baby'll be all mine!

Let's go.

Yep, Al Bundy
finally won one.