04x10 - At the Zoo

[bunniefuu]

I work in a shoe store,

and still I'm not happy
to come home.

Mr. Bundy,
wanna buy some
chipmunk cookies?

No. Go away.

You can't tell me
you're not hungry.

My daddy says you eat
bugs and dirt.

Well, you go home
and tell your daddy,

you have
the mailman's eyes.

It's food.

All right.

Gimme a box
of these macaroons.

Cash only...deadbeat.

I don't have any cash.
Give me some credit.

Eat a bug.

Wet a bed.

Ah, jeez.

"Dear Al...

"you always complain
there's no dinner.

Surprise. I left it
on the table for you."

You ate my dinner,
you bag of fleas
and ticks.

I'm starving.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Al, we had
such a great day.

Steve took us all
to the zoo.

And Al, it was
the best time to go.

No lines or anything.

Because, you know,
during the day,

all the idiots
who have jobs
can't go.

[LAUGHING]

Dad, you'll never
guess what we saw

at the zoo today,
with Uncle Steve.

A family of vultures
pecking the flesh of the daddy?

No. A big gorilla,
big as you,

scratching himself.

Yeah, and he had
one hand where
his pants would be.

And in his other hand--

You know how you hold
your beer?

Well, he was holding
something.

I think
it was doody.

Where were you
around : today?

You know, my favorite part
was the penguin cage.

It really makes you think.

There, but for
the flippers, go I.

Well, the flippers
and a breakaway bra.

You know, you should be
nice to me.

If I hadn't told
the guard that you
were with us,

you'd be riding
a unicycle and
clapping for fish

right about now.

[DOORBELL
RINGS]

Oh, my God,
I'll bet that's Marcie.

I was supposed to be out
looking for a job today.

If she smells fun on me,
I'm a dead man.

Stall her.

Pretty pathetic, huh?

You know, I don't think Steve
has what it takes not to work.

He almost seems ashamed of it.

I'll tell you what:

If I ever get like that,
sh**t me.

Uh, in case I'm not here
when that happens,

can I just wing you now?

Oh, hi, Marcie.

I went to the zoo today
with the kids,
and nobody else.

How was your day?

Superb.

Since I got demoted
to drive-up teller,

everything is just
so much more exciting.

It's a people job.

They drive up
to my window,

order a cheeseburger...
spit at me

and drive away.

But they're not all
like that.

Some of them actually try
to pull my hand

through the chute

before they spit at me
and drive away.

So, between that and the cheery
"Hurry up, you stupid moo-cow,"

the -hour workweek
just seems to zoom by.

Don't let them
bother you, Marcie.

Ignore them, chew your cud
and hold your horns up high.

Boy, what a day.

Oh, Marcie...

I didn't expect to see
you here.

Oh, damn.

I wish I could've
been home in time
to cook you dinner.

Ah, I'm such
a failure.

Oh. No, honey,
it's ok.

Did you find anything
today, angel heart?

Oh, no.

Not from lack of trying.

I've heard it all:

Too old, too young,
too handsome.

Put your
feet up, folks.

Getting pretty
deep in here.

Shh!

Oh, well,
you come on home,
Steve.

I'll rub your feet
for you.

They must be tired
from walking all day.

Oh, but dear,
you work so hard.

But...okay.

Hey, Mr. Rhoades,
before you go,

I have a zoo question for you.

When you were riding
the little train

around Bear Land today,

were there any
real-live teddy bears,

like Bud said?

Or do they live someplace else,
like I think?

Uh, Marcie, I can't go on
keeping secrets from you.

I was at the zoo today

and I really didn't
look for anything.

Well, good, Steve.

Tonight when we're
in bed together,

don't look for anything
there, either.

Well, then I guess
you won't take
this well, either.

I've been thinking.

I don't really
want to work.

It's boring.

I'm having fun not working.
Peggy says--

Well, Marcie says,
you're working, leech-man.

Now...on the slim
chance

you weren't going to do
squat today,

which you didn't,

I called
your former boss

on my lunch
six minutes...

and he agreed
to see you.

So, if you could put on
a clean suit,

brush those teeth,

and put on
some cologne to cover up
that wombat smell...

he'll see you
tomorrow afternoon.

I will meet you there

to make sure you say,
"I'll take it,"

to any menial job
that's tossed your way.

Well, I'm afraid tomorrow
doesn't work for me.

I told Peggy and the kids
I'd take them to the aquarium.

Well, dear...
I'm afraid

you'll be rather
uncomfortable
at the aquarium

with my foot lodged

where mommy used to put
the thermometer.

You know, Peg,

seeing Marcie take charge
like that

reminds me of what
a real man should be.

So, I'm putting
my foot down.

Tomorrow, when I come home,
I want my slippers,

I want my paper,
before Buck.

I want my dinner,
again, before Buck.

I am the Marcie
of this house.

I have spoken.

So it is written.
So it shall be done.

"Place cheese critters in water,

"and watch them grow.

Keep out of reach of children."

Oh, hi, honey.

You should've been
with us today.

We had
a great time.

Yeah, we fed a shark
a hamburger,

and then they gave
a French fry to this guppy,

and he exploded.

And Dad,
they had those
great hot dogs

that you like so much.

Mom put one
on each side of her mouth

and pretended
like she was a walrus.

Does anyone care
that I haven't eaten in days?

I haven't really
thought about it.

Not too much.
Not really, no.

You look a little down,
Steve.

What's wrong?

The choo-choo
through Toyland
shut down?

Worse than that, Al.

It's Bosco.

You have some Bosco?

Well, let me spit
in a glass, and we'll
mix it up.

No. I mean, Bosco,
the rare Caribbean

pygmy sea turtle
at the aquarium.

He looked
really despondent today.

Was he selling shoes
to the other turtles?

No.

They have him
in an itty-bitty t*nk.

He must weigh
pounds.

He's as out of place
in that t*nk

as you would be
in a library.

Like a trouper,
he kept his beak up.

But I could tell...

he was just a shell
of a turtle.

You should've
seen them, Al.

Both of their
little noses pressed up
against the glass.

You could barely
tell them apart.

No, the turtle
is the one
with the job.

Oh, that's right!

I was supposed to
meet Marcie

at my old
bank today.

Ugh!

Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades
is gonna gut you

like a fish.

Hey, hey, hey.
I can handle
Mrs. Rhoades.

I'll just give her
what she's been
begging for all week:

my famous
chocolate soufflé.

Yeah, it takes
a good two hours,

but a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

A drug-crazed gunman

attempted to rob
the Leading Bank of Chicago

this afternoon.

His attempt was foiled
by a feisty local woman,

Marcie Rhoades,

whom he tried to seize
as a hostage.

But he picked
the wrong woman,
didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades?

Is that g*nsh*t wound
through your hand
bothering you?

Not really, Waldo.

What's bothering me is,
my husband is a screwup.

You went to
the zoo again today,
didn't you, Steve?

That soufflé better be
damn fluffy.

Exactly how did
you apprehend
the criminal?

Well...when the robber
jammed his g*n in my stomach,

I did what I felt
I had to do.

I threw up on the floor.

As he slipped on it,
he knocked himself out.

But the g*n went off
and sh*t me through the hand,

horribly wounding me.

But enough about me.
How was your day, Steve?!

Well...guess
I'll go home,

get my stuff
and head for the Y.

Listen, if she comes over here,
you haven't seen me.

Uh...tell her I'm out
looking for a job.

She'll buy it.

After all, she's probably
loaded full of painkillers.

Tee-hee.
Oh, hi!

Hi, Marcie.

I was just out, uh,
looking for a job.

So, what's up?

See this hand,
Steve?

Yeah.

See this one?

Gee,
this, kind of,
puts the kibosh

on the sailboat
trip tomorrow,

doesn't it?

Thanks for bringing
me here, Al.

I'm sorry you had to
see me like that.

I usually pride myself
on being a lady at all times.

Hey, lard butt!

A couple of brewskis
over here.

Hey, guys!
A toast.

To the working man.

The last American
hero.

Right, guys?

ALL:
Right.

We work to make
a living,

and what
do we get?

ALL:
Squat.

And what else?

ALL:
Nothing.

Why do we
go on?

ALL:
We're stupid.

A toast to the stupid
working man.

ALL:
To us.

Do you know what really
frosts my weenie?

After you marry them,

they don't care
how they look.

Don't even shave,
right, guys?

Right.
Yeah,
sure.

Well, I can't complain.

At least, I live with one
who has a job, makes me dinner

and doesn't mind rubbing my feet
after a hard day.

Yeah, but your mom's
getting kind of old.

Besides, moms aren't
really women.

I'm talking about
the things you marry.

I mean,
when you come--

I mean, when you come
crawling home after
a hard day,

what do they want?

ALL:
Loving.

They don't understand
it's just more work
for us.

I mean...the last thing
a guy wants to look at

at the end of a day
is a woman.

Hey, look at
that one.

ALL:
Ooh!

Hey, Al,

you know what else
ticks me off?

It's the way
they change.

I mean, when
I first married Steve,

he was a greedy,
materialistic pig.

He'd step on
an old lady
for a dollar.

[LAUGHS]
God, how he excited me.

Now, he's just
another man,

with sea horses
on his boxer shorts.

Oh, Al...what if Steve
never works again?

Lock yourself
in the bathroom

and don't have kids.

Hey, guys.
Kids!

ALL:
Boo.

Case in point:

See that old man
in the corner there?

Neil Cockran.
Eight kids.

He's years old.

Steve and I talked
about having children.

God, can you imagine
that life?

You, the only
working parent,

a couple of kids
chained to your wallet.

Ugh!

I'd rather have a Kn*fe
plunged in my throat.

Sorry.

Oh. I guess what's really
bothering me here

about Steve is that,
not only are we not talking,

but this is the first time
in our relationship

I've kept secrets
from him.

I mean, I'm keeping
something from him
right now,

even though I know
it's wrong.

Oh, Al. Maybe you can
help me handle this.

Wait a minute here,
Marce.

I know you look at me
and just see hunk, but--

You're not the first
who tried to bag the big one.

But, uh...

It can never be.
I belong to another.

And, more importantly,
I find you physically
repulsive.

I don't want you,
you shaved ape.

Hey, no need to
get personal,
chicken legs.

Anyhow...

you remember when I...

sort of caught
that bank robber?

Well, what I didn't
tell Steve is that they...

sort of gave me
a little reward.

How much?

Twenty five thousand
dollars.

Hey, barkeep.

A whiskey for the lady
and a deck of cards for me.

Boy, it's really scary
being unconscious.

The things you imagine.

I thought two little
leprechauns and
a redheaded giant

were going through
my pockets.

Then a woman
with a mustache gave me
a big French kiss.

That was Buck.

He thought your tongue
was his chew rag.

Well...I can't go
through life getting
knocked out.

I guess there's no way
around it.

Marcie wants me
to get a job,

I guess I have to
get a job.

Oh, forget about
Marcie for a minute.

What do you want to do?

I want to be
a cowboy.

Well...let's just say
that all the cowboy jobs

were taken by men.

[LAUGHS]

What's your second
choice?

Well...

I was hoping to do
something special,

something that's been
on my mind all day.

But I don't have
the nerve.

I know you look at me
and just see man candy.

But it can never be.

First, I belong
to another.

And, second,
ha, ha, ha...

you couldn't
handle the ride.

I can't even
handle the thought.

Ah, forget it.
Who cares what I want?

Well, I care,
Steve.

Look, tomorrow
you gotta go out and
get some stinking job

you'll be saddled with,
just to please Marcie.

You really
don't want me?

Oh, well.

Anyway, before you do,
you owe it to yourself

to do something
that pleases you.

Peggy...you're right.

And I'm gonna
do it.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

[SIGHS]

He wants me.

Last call.

Come on, Marcie.
It's a normal bar bet.

Twenty five thousand
dollars to the one
who can hit the bowl

from farthest away.

Shall we?

I got bucks
on the broad.

I don't know.

Maybe the smell
of this check will
wake Steve up again.

Maybe it will remind him
of the good old days,

when we used to drive
to the poor side of town,

and pull up
next to some old guy,

and ask him
for change of .

[LAUGHS]

Oh, the times we had.

I don't know.

Maybe I've been
too hard on him.

I'm gonna tell Steve
about the money.

Hey,
look at this.

And to close,

we have a story
about a true moron.

Tonight,
an unemployed househusband

and self-described
man of nature,

thinking that the last
Caribbean pygmy turtle

born in captivity
was unhappy,

broke into the zoo aquarium,
stole the turtle

and released it
into Lake Michigan.

Apparently,
this man of nature

didn't know it was
a saltwater turtle.

Witnesses report
Bosco tried valiantly

to crawl back
out of the water,

only to be thrown back in
by this deranged,
unemployed man,

standing on the bank,
singing "Born Free."

Bosco will be missed.

Bail has been set
at $ , .

Not nearly enough
in this reporter's opinion.

Ahh, well.

I guess I know
what I have to do.

You gonna go
bail him out?

Let him rot.

I'm gonna buy myself
a new Jag.

Hey, Bundy.
You ready to
settle up your tab?

Yep, I'm ready.

* Born free *

* Free as the grass grows *

* Free as the wind blows *