04x11 - It's a Bundyful Life: Parts 1

[bunniefuu]

["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *

* Everywhere you go *

* Take a look
In the Five-and-Ten *

* Glistening once again *

* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *

* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas... *

[CAR APPROACHES]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

AL:
No!

Daddy's home.

[GROANS]
[GROANS]

I hate Christmas.

The mall was full of nothing
but women and children.

All you hear is,
"I want this. Get me this.

I have to have this."

Then there's the children.

And they're all by my store,

'cause they stuck
the mall Santa right outside,

ringing his stupid bell.

As if you need a bell

to notice a -pound alcoholic
in a red suit.

"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.

So, nice as can be,

I go outside
and ask him to shut the hell up.

He takes a swing at me.

So I lay a hook
into his fat belly,

and he goes down.

Beard comes off,
all the kids start crying,

and I'm the bad guy.

Aw, honey,

I know what would
make you feel better,

but I'll never leave you,
not in a million years.

So, Al, what's
the family plan

for Christmas
this year?

Five bowls a-flushing?

Four 'roids
a-throbbing?

Three nose hairs waving?

Two children starving?

* One untouched wife *

I guess this is what
they mean when they say,

"chestnuts roasting
on an open fire."
Eh, guys?

Now, look, I know
last Christmas,

you didn't
get what you wanted.

I saw your
sad little faces.

How?

You weren't even home.

You sh*t pool
with your friends.

Hey, your faces were
still sad the next day.

But this year, it's
going to be different.

Who here knows what
a Christmas club is?

Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank

to get percent interest
instead of the normal ?

Uh, yeah.

Anyway, I've got

one of these
Christmas club things,

and was able to save
a pretty penny this year.

So, in addition

to our annual Christmas
feast at Denny's...

This year,
we're getting presents.

Oh, I can't believe it!
Presents! Yes!

Al, this isn't
a joke, is it?

You know, like when
we were dating and you said:

"Stick with me, babe,
I'm really going places"?

Gee, I remember
saying that.

I just didn't think
I said it to you.

Oh, anyway,

Christmas is not
the time for regrets.

That's what
anniversaries are for.

Come on.

Let's all have a little
Christmas "Whoa, Bundy!"

ALL:
Whoa... Bundy!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That may be carolers.
They may want something.
Bud, hit the lights.

Everybody down.

It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.

Should I fix us up a stink b*mb?

No, let them in.

They may
have presents.

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Nothing.
Empty-handed.

Okay, who's got
my wedding ring?

Thank you.

Anyway, I just came over
to say Merry Christmas

since I won't be here because
of a previous commitment.

Yes, he's
spending Christmas

with Mommy, you know.

BUNDYS:
Aww.

Why can't you and Mother
get along, Marcie?

The woman hangs
her coat on me.

What about your mother
and her little,
"Oops! Sorry, Stevie.

I didn't know you
were in the shower."

Marcie, you want
some coffee?

Sure.

Hey, I want some coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

There's only enough for two.

Kids, you want any?

Why are wives so jealous
of the relationship

between a man
and his mother?

Ah, they see someone
who cares for you,

and it eats them up.

Yep.

My mom even left
Marcie instructions

on how to take care
of me.

Still, one week
after we were married,

guess who was washing
his own hair?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, that must be
my taxi.

Merry Christmas, honey.
Come give me a kiss.

WOMAN:
Come on, Stevie!

Coming, Mother!

The man's mother
came from Cincinnati

to pick him up?

Boy, if Weenie Town
ever needs a mayor...

Peggy, what am I going to do?

We were supposed to go
to the party

at my bank tomorrow.

I can't go stag.
What will people think?

Marcie, let me
give you some advice.

Don't spend time thinking about
things you don't have:

a good relationship...

nice hair...

a good disposition,
a woman's body...

Think instead
about the things you do have,

and when you do,
let me know,

'cause I've drawn
a total blank.

Merry Christmas!

Al!

Christmas is no time
to make fun of someone

whose life is crumbling down
around them.

Do you know how many people

with lives
a lot better than hers

commit su1c1de
this time of year?

Now, you should
say something nice to her,

even if you don't mean it.

You look very nice, Marcie.

See?

Now, I'll tell you
what you should do.

You should go
to that party without Steve.

Get wild. Get crazy.

Pretend you're single again.

Dance on the table tops,

chase after men,

rub your red hair
up and down their chests

like a feather-duster,

and then reach out and...

And say, "I'm married,"
and go home.

Like I would.

I guess you're right.

I'll go to the party,
but I won't have any fun.

This will be the worst
Christmas I ever had.

I'll wind up home alone,
sitting in the dark.

That is...

unless some friends
invite me over.

Poor Marcie.

I feel so bad for her.

So, Al, we're really gonna
get presents?

Yes! You betcha!

I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.

This is going to be the greatest
Bundy Christmas ever.

[AL CACKLES]

CAROLERS:
* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *

Hit the lights!

* We wish you
A merry Christmas *

* We wish you
A merry Christmas *

* And a happy
New Year *

GIRL:
We know you're
in there!

PEG:
* Oh, Al... *

Come unwrap
your Christmas present.

Where is it?

It's me, you feeb.

Oh, Peg, how do you expect me
to get excited

when you just rewrap
the same old junk

I didn't play with
the year before?

Oh, come on, Al.

Thrill me
as only you can.

Show Mommy the Christmas
club bankbook.

Okay, but just
this once.

Again, Al, again!

It's never enough,
is it?

Oh, you were fantastic!
Let's cuddle.

Oh!

I suppose a shower's
out of the question, huh?

And I don't think
deodorant is tough enough

to handle this baby.

I'll get the bug spray.

Dad...

I couldn't sleep.

I sense you're on the horns
of a dilemma.

Now, to wit,

you have $ .

But how do you
split it up?

Well...

maybe I can help.

You see, I hate to tell you
this, Dad, but, uh...

Kelly doesn't love you.

Never has, never will.

But you do, don't you, son?

With all
my heart and soul.

But back to Kelly.

Now, how can we
punish her?

How, how, how?

I know.

I bet spending
all the money on me,

and nothing on her,

would fix
her little red wagon.

So remember, Dad.

This year, when
you think Christmas,

think "Bud."

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in, Kelly.

Hi, Daddy.

Um, I just wanted to tell you,

I just got a call
from the doctor, and, um...

I'm dying.

Yep, I've got "bulgaria."

The doctor says
that it's "terminus."

How much time do you have,
pumpkin?

Well, I've got
till Christmas morning,

and the only known cure
is a good present.

You know, in the
to price range?

Gee, then I wouldn't have
any money to get Bud anything.

I know...

but it's not like he
loves you or anything.

I mean, when I think
of all the times

that he wished
you dead--

Oh, well, I just wanted
to tell you that,

but whatever you decide
is okay with me.

[COUGHS WEAKLY]

I thought
I'd find you here.

What are you doing?

Loving Daddy.

What are you doing here?

Saying hi to the man
who gave me life

and his name.
Make way!

No! He's my daddy!

What is going on here?

Kelly's trying to pretend
she loves Daddy.

Oh, yeah? Bud's trying to hog
all Daddy's money for himself.

Oh, that's it.

Both of you, out of here.

Daddy is not stupid enough
to believe you really love him.

Now, just stop your whining.

Go on. Get out.

Daddy's getting us all presents.

Go on.

Mwah.

You know, if I were you,

I wouldn't get them
anything...

'cause I'm the only one
who really loves you.

Oh, and by the way, Al.

I just got a call
from the doctor.

I may be dying.

More toaster shakings,
Kel?

Please.

Daddy gone?

Mom, it's noon.

Only noon?

God, I just couldn't sleep
from all the excitement.

Oh, look. I can't even eat.

I'm so excited.

We're getting
Christmas presents,

and on Christmas!

Well, Mom, I hate to put
a damper on the festivities,

but since Dad's getting us
presents,

shouldn't we get him something?

God,

it never occurred to me.

Kind of takes the fun
out of the whole thing.

Well, I'm not spending
any of my money.

I've got expenses.

What, a new shipment of your
favorite perfume come in, Kel?

You know,eau deshore leave?

Go swim in your sheets.

Now, kids, we said all this
at Thanksgiving.

What we've got to do
is get Daddy some presents.

And as my mom always said,

"The best presents
are in Dad's closet."

Well, I'm gonna give Daddy

something
that he's never used before:

his toothbrush.

And I'll get him his underwear.

And as his wife,

he deserves to get
something special from me.

I know.

I'll get him his winter coat
that Buck's been sleeping on.

Oh, this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever!

There he is, kids.

The man
who hit Santa.

Tonight, we'll all
come back

and egg his window.

Yeah, Santa.
Yeah, Santa.

Anytime you want it, fat boy!

The bank! I got to get
to Marcie's bank.

Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry.
We're closed.

See, I got to get
to the bank by : .

We won't be
but a minute.

Hurry up, Mama!

Fourteen ninety-five,
you say?

Yes!

Please hurry!

Mama has the money.

I don't have
any money.

Oh.

Well, who has it?

Mom!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

SANTA:
There he is, guys!

No!

Needed some help,
eh, Horowitz?

I guess you're not Santa enough
to face me alone.

Remember, I know
when you're sleeping!

And I know
when you've had beans.

PEG, KELLY & BUD [IN UNISON]:
What did you get us
for Christmas, Daddy?

AL:
Well, family,
the bank was closed.

I have no money for presents.

You still love me, though,
right?

[MACHINE g*n f*ring]

I want toys!

Just a minute,
honey.

Mommy just wants to get
some shoes, okay?

Toys, toys, toys!

Oh, kids. You gotta
love them.

Toys!

Put a cork in it,
demon!

God, what I wouldn't pay

to get rid of him
for an hour

so I could shop in peace.

[HUMMING
"WINTER WONDERLAND"]

Water.

Shut up.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

You'll never
get away with this.

Oh, won't I?

You be quiet,

or I'll send you
to the bathroom dungeon

like little Bobby.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Hey, Bundy, we want
some entertainment.

Okay, I'll tell you
a nice Christmas story.

Gather around Uncle Al.

All right,
that's close enough.

All right, here we go.

'Twas the night
Before Christmas

And all through the house

No food was a-stirring
Not even a mouse

Stockings were hung
'Round Dad's neck like a tie

Along with a note
That said, "Presents or die"

Children were plotting
All night in their beds

While the wife's
Constant whining

Was splitting his head

But Daddy had money this year
In the bank

Then they closed up early
Now Dad's in the t*nk

Then all of a sudden
Santa appeared

A sneer on his face
Booze in his beard

"Santa," I said
As he laughed merrily

"You do so much for others
Do something for me"

"Bundy," he said

"You only sell shoes

Your son is a sneak thief
Your daughter's a flooze"

"Ho, ho," Santa said
"Should I mention your wife?

Her hair's like an A-b*mb
Her nails like a Kn*fe"

And he climbs up the chimney
That fat piece of dung

He mooned me two times
He stuck out his tongue

And I heard him exclaim
As he broke wind with glee

"You're married, with children
You'll never be free"

Now, who wants to hear
about the red-headed grinch

that stole Uncle Al's life?

There he is!

He depressed us.

Oh, you beast!

And here's
your money back.

And yours.

And yours.

And yours.

And yours.
Thank you.

Okay, Franklin,
say goodbye to Uncle Al.

[GROANS]

Good boy!

ANNOUNCER [ON LOUDSPEAKER]:
Attention, shoppers.
The mall is now closing

so that our merchants
can get home

and be
with their loving families.

Thank you
for shopping with us.

Merry Christmas,
and good night.

["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *

* Everywhere you go *

* Take a look
In the five-and-ten *

* Glistening once again *

* With candy canes
And silver lanes aglow *

* It's beginning to look
A lot like Christmas *

* Toys in every store *

* But the prettiest sight
To see *

* Is the holly that will be *

* On your own front door *

* On your own *

* Front *

* Door *

* Merry Christmas! *