04x13 - Who'll Stop the Rain

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Boy, I love the rain.

Have ever since
I was a little boy.

Dad used to say
rain is the sound
of angels flushing.

Good night, Peg

Oh, Al...

Ah, no, Peg, I'm tired.

Aw, come on, honey.
You don't have to be awake.

Just the usual, "I'm done,
how about you?" will be fine.

Oh, come on.

Look, let's compromise.

I'll set the alarm
clock for .

That way you can get
a little rest.

And I'll while away
the time listening
to your body ferment.

Great, I'm the only guy
in the world

that has to wake up
to have a nightmare.

Good night, honey.

Good night.
I'll see you at .

[WHEEZES]

Peg...

Peg the roof's
leaking.

It's raining
on the bed.

Well, it's nice and dry
on my side, honey.

You mean you'd switch
with me, Peg?

No. Oh, come on, Al.

Let's do it.

Show Mommy you can
b*at the lightning.

I'm gonna
fix the roof.

Now, why would you
want to go up there

when you could
stay here and fix me?

Because when
I'm done,

the roof won't ask me
to fix it again.

[SIGHS]

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

Bud! Kelly!

What is it, Mom?
Creditors?

I'll go boil
the water.

No, no, no.
Not this time.

Now, sit down, kids.

Now, look.

I know sometimes
you feel you don't see
enough of your dad.

And you think he's maybe
too busy to care for us.

Well, get ready,

'cause your father
is about to do something for us

that we'll never forget.

And I want us all
to enjoy it as a family.

Now, just look over
at that window.

About...now.

[AL SCREAMS]

All right.
That was good.

That was really great.
So good.

Okay, kids,
back to bed.

Ah, thanks, Mom.
Tell Dad he was cool.

Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna do
something special for him.

I'm gonna give him back
his wallet.

B-but not the cash.
[SCOFFS]

We didn't
see him land. Ha.

[AL GROANING]

One fifty-seven...
Ha, ha.

Oh, honey.
You fell.

Yes, cupcake.

I fell.

But obviously
not far enough.

Poor baby.
You must be hurt.

Why don't you
go to sleep now.

[SIGHS]

[ALARM CLOCK
BUZZING]

Well, I'll be
darned.

Is it already?

[LAUGHS]

All aboard.

[HEAVY SPLASHING]

Boy...

Look at that
rain come down.

It's not fit
for man or beast.

All right, who's
going up with me?

Besides Bud.

Dad...if you really
expect someone

to go up on
that roof with you,

they'd have
to be a total moron.

Oh, no. I'm not
going up there.

Al, be sensible.

Just call
a professional roofer.

There.

Right there, Peg,
is the problem with America.

We've lost our spirit
of self-reliance.

Something's leaking:
Call someone.

Something's broken:
Call someone.

One of the kids suffers a
ruptured appendix: Call someone.

Whatever happened
to the old American spirit

of "I can fix it myself"?

What happened to
rugged American manhood?

We don't know yet, Dad.

Kelly's tests aren't back
from the lab.

Chew Dad's sock.

Eat Mom's food.

We're missing
the point here.

I want to inspire you guys
to great heights.

Bud, you could be
a doctor or a lawyer.

Kelly...

Mm. You could button
your own coat.

Anyhow, I want you guys to see
what one Bundy can accomplish.

I want you to say, "There's
no task Daddy can't do."

Then they'd better not ask me.

[LAUGHS]

Dent a cushion,
Peg.

Anyhow, guys,

Bundy men have always been
masters of their fate.

Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure
knew his way around a toolbox.

There was a fixin' man.

You mean,
Grandpa Hook?

Yeah, well, circular saws
were new back then.

But, damn it, he carved his own
hook afterwards. He carried on.

You didn't see him
calling someone.

Well, it would have been
difficult for him

to hold the phone.

You know, he only had one finger
left on that other hand.

After that mix-up
with the nail g*n.

One finger is all
a real American needs.

Scoff if you will...

but Grandpa Hook's blood
runs in my veins.

I will fix this roof

and show you all
that Daddy can do it.

Mom, does this mean

that Daddy's too cheap
to call a roofer?

Now, honey, let's give
your father some credit.

He may just be
too stupid.

[SNICKERS]

Now, we all know
Daddy's gonna fall.

You know what
you've got to do.

Get the camera.
Get the camera.

No. We actually
have enough pictures

of Daddy on the floor
in the wedding album.

Go get the old wading pool
out of the garage,

paint "Here comes stupid"
on the bottom of it

and hold it
under him.

Well, that pool's
kind of old.

Won't Dad fall
right through it?

We'll just hold it
closer to the ground.

God, you're
a moron. Ugh!

Peggy...you won't believe
the good news.

Steve just called.
He finally got a job.

He sounded very excited.

Well, what's
he gonna be doing?

I don't know,
but I bet it's big.

He sounded like the old Steve
on the phone.

Confident, proud,
moneygrubbing.

Oh, I can't wait
to see him.

His tie swinging
erectly in the wind.

His taut buttocks
yearning to break free

from their gabardine bonds.

Ohh!

Peggy, I finally
have my Steve back.

So here.

I'm returning
your shower massage.
Oh, ho.

If only it could
take out the garbage, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, hi, Marcie.

I'm glad you're here.

Bring that second income
to Mommy.

How much are you making?

Well, uh, Marcie, now,
it's not how much you make,

it's how meaningful
the work is to you.

Sure it is.
How much?

Well, actually,
I'm making $ . an hour.

What do you do?

Dance in the park
in your underwear?

You happen to be looking at
the new pet handler

and executive cage cleaner
at Slithers...

Chicago's fifth-largest
exotic pet emporium.

Ahem. I guess you'll be
wanting this back.

Oh, Marcie, it's the greatest
job in the world.

And I brought home
a little friend.

It's Scoopie.

Scoopie is
a Peruvian devil gerbil.

But don't let the name
fool you.

He's really
quite friendly.

Only the female of the species
is actually poisonous.

Oh, isn't he cute?

Bud, Kelly,
come see this!

AL:
Ah, no. Ow!

What is that,
Mom?

Oh, cool.
Food!

I'll get the mayo!
Okay.

Hey, hey, hey!

This is not food,
you druids.

This is love on paws.
Look.

You must be
very proud, Marcie.

Proud as punch.

Why, Steve, this is
just the beginning.

With hard work and study,

you could actually
work your way up

to cleaning up the doody
of even bigger animals.

Maybe even people.

Ah, come on, Marcie.

Here. Just let him
nest on your shoulder.

Bond with him.
Ah! Steve!

He's crawling
down my blouse.

He's biting me!

Oh, Marcie, believe me,
if he were biting you,

it'd be a lot
more painful.

You'd be screaming
and everything.

[SHRIEKING]

Marcie,
he's just playing!

Don't roll on the lawn!
You'll hurt him!

Oh, poor Marcie!

Help me.

I wish there was something
we could do for her.

I hate to see people
in pain.

I'm dying.

Al, you're tracking
mud on the carpet.

Well, it's not
all mud.

Some of it's
colon.

So did you fix
the roof, Daddy?

No, pumpkin, I didn't.

When I got up there,
I saw this hole,

but I figured it'd be a lot
more fun to take a header

off the roof into the yard.

Of course I fixed it.

I said I'd fix it
and I fixed it.

So I guess we all know
what Daddy can do now.

Loser no more,
eh, Dad?

Can we call
a roofer now?

No, we can't.

I'm going back up there.

But this I'm going up
with the right equipment.

A Wile E. Coyote
mask?

No, my love.

The thing to do is to have
the right shoe.

And the left one too, Dad.

Thank you, honey.

Now, damn it, I said I'd fix
that roof, and fix it I will!

This is one man against nature.

And that man happens to be
Al Bundy.

And as God is my witness...
I'll never be wet again!

[RAIN DRIPPING
INTO POTS IN TIME]

* I got sunshine *

* On a cloudy day *

* When it's cold outsi-- *
Shut up, Peg.

How many more holes
did you put in the roof

by walking on it
in spiked golf shoes?

Oh, and, uh,
by the way, honey...

this time on your way down,
you took out our TV antenna.

I'm sorry, Peg,

but I needed something
to break my fall.

Since there was no live wire
or your neck handy...

I grabbed the first thing
that hit my face.

Well, you know, our reception
is sh*t to hell.

Well, I'm sorry, Peg.

Had I known you wanted
to watch Dallas tonight,

I would have just put
my hands behind my back

and slalomed head first
onto the patio.

Are you ready
to give up yet?

I am not.

Just so happens that I have
three unbroken bones yet.

I'll see y'all-- I'll see
y'all drown before I quit.

Good night, Peg.

Good night, honey.

Turn out the light.

[ELECTRICITY
CRACKLING]

Oh, and be careful, Al.

[SNIFFS]

God, it smells
like ham in here.

[LAUGHS]

Bud, what are you
watching?

There's nothing
but snow on the TV.

Gee, looks great
to me.

Too bad you don't
have the special

TV-reception
adaptor glasses...

like I do.

Well, I want to
see TV too.

Well, you can't.

I've only got one pair.

Would you, uh,
like to buy mine?

How much?

For you, bucks.

I don't trust you.

Fine.

Hey.

The new g*ns N' Roses
video is coming on.

Does Axl ever
wear a shirt?

[SCOFFS]

Give me. Ha-ha.

Hey, I don't see
anything.

Oh, great,
you broke them.

Now neither of us
can watch TV.

Hey, Mom, I broke
my reception glasses.

Well, be more careful
next time.

Can't we get someone
who can fix the roof and the TV?

Oh. Honey...

your daddy wants to take
one more sh*t at it.

And if I stopped your father
every time he failed,

we never would have had
you or Bud.

I'm ready.

What do you think
of Daddy now?

Gee, Al. Heh. You built
a moron-on-the-roof suit.

Good luck, you say?
Don't need it.

I'm cushioned
by your love.

I will now proceed
to fix the roof and the TV...

and prove once again

that with intelligence
and vision,

one man alone can
face any challenge.

Now, if someone would just
rock me to break the suction,

I'll be on my way.

[SUCTION CUP SOUNDS]

I think "wow"
just about covers it.

Ah, Peggy...

Marcie had a little
reaction

to the Peruvian
devil gerbil bite.

By the way, I goofed.
I took home the poisonous one.

But that's spilt milk.

Anyhow, she's
a little self-conscious.

Could you just reassure her
that she looks perfectly okay?

Come show Peggy, honey.

Now, I ask you...

is there any reason

why this woman
shouldn't go to work?

[GROANS QUIETLY]

Ah, gee, Marcie...
you look...fine.

Very natural.

What do you think, Kelly?

I don't know. I've never
really looked at her before.

I have a hump,
you bimbo!

Didn't you always?

Marcie...

why don't we just get
to the real reason you're angry.

It's not that awful, disgusting,
pus-filled hump at all.

It's your small spirit.

You're just jealous because
I'm pursuing my dream.

What dream would
that be, Steve?

To have a wife
named Igor?

[AL SCREAMS]

What was that?

Oh, pay no attention.

That's just Al
falling off the roof. Heh.

But, you know, I'm really
concerned about the two of you.

I mean, there's no reason
for a hunchback

and a doody scooper
to fight.

Now, aren't you
ashamed?

I'm sorry, Steve.

Let's go home
and...cuddle.

After you, my love.

Hey, Mom.

Should we be worried
that Daddy's up there

with metal tools
in a lightning storm?

Well, who wants
to go tell him?

Well, I'll catch a cold.
My hair will get all messed up.

Then I'll hear
no more about it.

Mom, why can't we
call a roofer?

I mean, if it gets
any wetter in here,

the whole house
is gonna look like Bud's bed.

Hey, wait a minute,
kids.

It stopped
leaking.

You mean,
Dad actually did it?

Hey, Dad!

The roof stopped
leaking!

AL:
Was there ever
any doubt?

Honey! Don't forget
to fix the antenna!

AL:
No problem!
Daddy can do it!

How is it?!

Still fuzzy.

How about now?

Oh, it's better.

Keep doing what
you're doing!

How about no--
Ahh!

It's perfect,
Al!

Oh, you know kids,

we ridiculed him
and made fun of him--

Help me!

But, you know,
this time we have to admit...

Daddy did it.

AL:
Help!

Help me!