04x18 - What Goes Around Came Around

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Peg.

Gee, you must have
misunderstood me this morning.

I said you should buy
a vegetable.

Gee, and guess I must have
misunderstood you last night

when you said: "Brace yourself.

This time
it's gonna be good."

Any mail?

Oh, yeah.

Something did come today.

Let's see,
what did it say, uh...

"Open immediately. Urgent.
Do not delay."

Something like that.

Gee, where could it be?

Oh.

Here it is.

Oh, good.

Those ashes from Sharper Image
I ordered came.

Hey, this is from
Polk High School.

What could they be writing to me
about after all these years?

Well, maybe they've retired
your stall

in the boy's bathroom.

Hot diggety, dog diggety,

Boom! What you do to me.

Hey, look!

They want me to introduce
the football team's M.V.P.

at the homecoming dance,
Friday night.

"We're seeking one of the great
football heroes

"of the Chicago-land area.

"That's why we've asked you,

Mr. Gale Sayers..."

No, that's crossed out.

"Mr. Jim McMahon."
Crossed out.

"Mr. Walter Payton,
Mr. Mike Singletary,

Mr. Abe Vigoda"?

All crossed out.

Ah, here we go.

"Mr. Alf...Bundy."

They still remember.

Oh, Alf.

Yup. And I'll bet they'll wanna
hear a little speech.

You know, I've got much to say
to America's youth.

If I just help
one kid not marry,

my job is done.

Woof, woof, woof!

[BOYS HOWLING]

Did you hear that?

You'd think a science teacher
would have more dignity.

So, gnome.

Everyone's gonna be
at the homecoming dance.

Where you gonna be?

Hey, I'll be there...
with a date.

Oh, who's gonna be
the girl this year,

you or Joey?

Ho-ho,
one over easy.

I got me a hot date.
Heather McCoy.

Heather McCoy?

The one you were in love with
in sixth grade?

The one who took you
skinny dipping,

stole your clothes, then ran
your underwear up a flagpole?

Yup.

Bud, why don't you just go out
with somebody who likes you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Buck has outgrown
his party dress.

Good one,
human trampoline.

As it happens, Heather's
quite taken with me.

Why would someone as popular
as Heather McCoy

wanna go out with someone
as popular as eye-snot?

[GIGGLING]

Hush, hush,
sweet harlot.

Here she comes.

Hi, Bud. Are we still on
for the dance, Friday?

I shall drink in
your beauty,

as the bee does the nectar
of the flower.

Isn't he a dream?

How did you do that?

Research.

I've been studying her
since the sixth grade...

plotting, planning,

cataloging her likes
and dislikes.

And now, the time
is right to strike,

for I'm at the zenith
of my studliness.

Five long years and now,
finally, she's mine.

You still love her, huh?

Nope.

I'm after revenge, baby.

Sweet, pure,
uncut revenge.

Why bother? I mean,
that was five years ago.

Nobody remembers your underwear
up on a flagpole.

I pledge allegiance

to the underwear of

the united shorts
of Bud Bundy.

Yeah, no one but the kids
who do that to me every day.

That's why I'm gonna
get Heather McCoy.

Phase one
is now completed.

What's phase two,

you touch her on the knee
and then start to cry?

Not quite,

O-she-whose-head-
can-never-be-seen-in-a-car.

Phase two comes Friday.

We dance,
she's looking up at me

engulfed in the cool
that is I.

And then, at o'clock sharp,

I dance her over
to the big floor vent,

which, by Friday,
will be set on a timer.

And at precisely : ,

an industrial fan
whooshes through the vent

like dad on a bologna bender,

and blows her dress up.

And the world
will see her underwear!

Revenge! Revenge!

MAN [ON TV]:
Tonight at : ,

what's black and white
and funny all over?

Gary Coleman
and Ned Beatty are:

Ethan and the Jackal.

Two wrongly-fired
Harvard professors

who love the classics
and hate crime.

Come, watch us now.

Whoa.

Hi, Peggy.

Gee, you know,
I was thinking.

Maybe I ought to take a picture
of your behind.

Then, that way,
if the couch was ever stolen,

the police could match
the prints

with at least
one of the cushions.

Oh, come on, Al.

You know you love
your honey buns.

Remember, you used
to rub them every night

before you went to sleep.

Yeah, but it's just that
I hate to go to sleep

with the smell of feet
on my hands.

All right, now be quiet,
let me work on my speech.

Look, Al, all they want
you to do

is to announce
this year's M.V.P.

and then slink off into
the shadows of obscurity

where you belong.

It's just k*lling ya that
someone remembers me. Isn't it?

That someone thinks of me as
more than just a shoe salesman,

or the family wallet,

or the running joke
at the beauty parlor.

These people want me

'cause I'm a genuine
football hero.

They'll probably wanna see
some mementos, too.

Where's my old
football helmet?

Well, judging from the shape
of your head,

I'd say your scalp
grew over it.

You know,
when you talk like this,

I just wanna
get down on my knees

and bite your ankles
like a pit bull.

All right, Peg,
let the couch have a little air

and go get that helmet.

And other symbols
of my heroism.

Oh, all right.

Nobody cares, though.

Go, go.

I am Al Bundy.

Pause for applause.

The ovation dies down.

They sit.

Dad, I need
to talk to you for a second.

Bud, I'm working
on a speech right now.

Dad, when you
were in school,

did a girl ever
do something to you,

something so rotten, it
actually ruined your whole life?

Yes, and you call
that girl "Mom," now.

Well, what if she didn't
actually marry me

but still did something
real bad?

If you were gonna
get revenge

that wouldn't be wrong,
would it?

Son, let me tell you
something about revenge.

This is something
you're going to have to learn

before you can truly
call yourself a man.

Revenge...

is great.

It's phenomenal.

It's the only thing

that separates us
from the animals.

It's why I stay
with your mother.

Now, son,
if you have a chance

to get back at a girl
who's wronged you,

do it.

Do it now, do it good,
do it twice.

There'll be many women
in your life, son,

but the one
you got revenge on

will always be the sweetest
of them all.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey.

Humiliate her for me, son.

You got it, Dad.

Husband, father, speaker.

How do I do it all?

Hey, did you find any
of my football mementos

to show the fans?

Oh, I certainly did.

Your athletic supporter.

Gee. "X.S."

Must stand for
"extra snug," huh?

Now, honey,
would you like me to write

"front" and "back"
on these,

like I do
on your underwear?

Or do you think this
"R.I.P." says it all?

Well, as long as we're writing
on each other's underwear,

why don't you pass me
a pair of yours

so I can draw
the skull and crossbones.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Get that, will ya,
sweetheart?

Uh-huh.

Hi.

Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

I just wanted you to know
I'm holding up well

after being deserted
by my husband.

What was his name?
Oh, yes.

Doody-face.

Anyway, I know
you're concerned

despite the fact
that you haven't called,

or stopped by,

or even veered
to the left

when I was lying
in your driveway.

Well, Marcie, it's not
that we don't care.

It's just that the McNuggets
were getting cold.

Oh. Well.

No one could expect you
to care about a friend

when you've got a greasy bag
of fried vittles a-coolin'.

But, to answer the question:
"How's she doin' now?"

The answer is:
"She's doin' fine."

The crisis is over.

No more sitting at home for me.
Uh-uh.

I'm gonna go out there
and grab me a pocketful of life.

I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna experience everything

this bowl of cherries
we call "life" has to offer.

So watch out, world!

Here comes Marcie Rhoades!

So whatcha doin'?

I'm trying
to write a speech

for the homecoming dance
tomorrow night.

Oh! Can I go?

I'm so alone.
Please?

Just some sort
of human contact.

A voice
other than my own.

Oh, please, God,
throw a dog a bone.

Oh, Al, my heart
goes out to her.

We should let
Marcie come.

She can buy gas
and dinner afterwards.

Oh, all right.

Look, as long
as I've got ya here,

let me try something out on ya.

Now, in my speech,
I'm using a visual aid

to point out to the students
the pitfalls in life.

This...

is your brain.

This is your brain...

on marriage.

[SPLAT]

Any questions?

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

But to answer
the question:

"How's she doing now?"

The answer is:
"She's doing fine."

Students.

Students...

and fellow homecoming-ers.

I'd like to introduce
our guest speaker.

I was hoping to introduce
someone famous

or even interesting.

Instead, I give you Al Bundy,

Polk High's Most Valuable Player
of .

Mr. Bundy?

Thank you.

This...

is your brain.

Here we are,
my dear.

May I say,
that's a lovely dress.

So light and airy.

Well, you should get
a picture of me in it.

Oh, I will.

I already
bought the frame.

Kelly, thanks for coming
to the dance with me.

Why wouldn't I?

You're the only one
for me, Jeff.

Uh, Rick.

Right.

Could you go get me
some punch?

Kelly, thanks for
meeting me tonight.

Why wouldn't I?

You're the only one
for me, Rick.

Jeff.

Right.

Could you go get me
some punch?

Sure, before you marry 'em,
all women like football.

But as soon as you say, "I do,"
they put on pounds,

and the only hike you'll see,
is them hikin' up their pants

before they weld their butts
to the sofa

for the rest
of their worthless lives.

I work for a living.

Could I trouble you
for a light?

Could I trouble you
for a light?

Thank you.

Boom, ba-ba-boom,
ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom.

Hi there.

I'm Blum.

Electrical shop?

What would you say to you
and me behind the bleachers?

It would never
work out.

There's a light
back there.

I could see you.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

You know,
I'm really sorry

about what I did to you
in the sixth grade.

Did you do something
to me in the sixth grade?

Yeah, you know,

your underwear
up the flagpole?

Was that you?

I'd totally forgotten.

Anyway, I was cruel
to you.

And I'm really sorry.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Excuse me.

You're the only one
for me--

Bud, what are you doing?
Can't you see
that I was working?

Kel, I'm thinking about
calling it off.

I mean, she's sorry,
and she really likes me now.

She told me so.

Bud, don't be a sucker
your whole life.

Let me tell you something
about men and women:

We're liars,
and you're all idiots.

Watch.

I really like you.

Really?

Hey, everybody!

Kelly likes me!

Could I have
your watch?

Oh. Well,
it's my Dad's.

But sure.

Wait till the guys hear.

Hey, she likes me!

The prostitution rests.

So, what you're saying

in your own little
talking-chimp kind of way,

is that she really
doesn't like me?

How could she?

You're right.

Tonight, at : ,

the curtain goes up
on Heather McCoy.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

And you wanna talk
flying wedge?

Let's talk about
my mother-in-law.

People overuse the phrase,
"As big as the earth,"

but kids, try to picture
everyone you've ever known

under one muumuu.

I love being single.

I'm at peace
with myself, really.

Oh, God.

I'll bet you don't know
what I got in my pocket.

The rest of your belly?

Nope.

The key
to the teachers' lounge.

So what say to you, me
and a whole lotta carpet?

While I can't say that
football is a metaphor

for every aspect of life,

there are
similarities.

Oh!

My wedding night, for example...

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Shoes...

No kind of life
for a man.

You know, I'm really glad
I came here with you tonight.

You're so decent.
A gentleman.

Wearing deodorant, too.

Wanna smell?

That's all right.

Listen...

let's go someplace, okay?

Hm...in a minute.

I know.

I owe you a skinny dip.

What do you say?

Uh, uh, "nyee-nyee."

Let's go.

What do I have to do
to get someone to notice me?

[AIR WHISTLING]

[LAUGHING]

Now...

the moment you've all
been waiting for.

[MUSIC FADES]

The recount of my last game
at Polk High.

It was a frosty evening
in November.

No, no, no, no.

Enough.

Hi, my name is Peggy...

uh, Smith.

And I, like you,
can't take this anymore.

So now, I would like
to introduce this year's M.V.P.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!

CROWD:
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Bud, you can come out now.

I have a present for you.

Thanks, Kel.

I can't believe
she did this to me again.

How am I gonna
show my face in school?

Like you always do.

From behind a wall
of Clearasil.

Aw, gee,
thanks, sis.

I'm so glad to know
that when I'm feeling low,

you're always there
to make me feel like ooze.

Oh, chill out,
ya little toadstool.

Believe me,
tomorrow at school,

nobody's gonna be talking
about you.

What do you mean?

Just come to school early
and bring a camera.

Trust me, Heather and I had
a little chat out in the hall

and we worked things out
like ladies.

Buck, come here, boy.

Come here, boy.

[BELL RINGS]