04x19 - Peggy Turns 300

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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04x19 - Peggy Turns 300

Post by bunniefuu »

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

What's the first derivative
of kinetic energy

with respect
to velocity?

I don't know.

What goes "quack"?

I don't know.

Ahem.

Ahem!

Hey, kids.

Put away your stupid
homework for a minute

and look at Mommy.

She's going out
with her man tonight.

Where should we
tell Dad you went?

It's your father
I'm going out with.

At least he cared enough
to remember my birthday,

which is more than Ican say
for certain two people

who sprang painfully,
and in some cases,

backwards from my loins.

We would've gotten
you something,

but last year
you said,

"If I ever start
to look as old

"as Mrs. McKelvey
across the street

I never wanna have
a birthday again."

Mrs. McKelvey is .

Just wait till I find out
when your birthdays are.

Mine's in February.

I'm an Aquarium.

And an empty one.

Where's Dad
takin' you?

Oh, I don't know.

He just said to wear
something special.

Gee, I hope it's dinner
and dancing at the Beef Trough.

That's our place, you know.

[LAUGHS]

Peg...

you look fabulous!

You're gonna knock 'em dead
at the bowling alley.

The bowling alley?

You're taking me bowling
on my birthday?

It's your birthday?

Kids, tonight Mommy
rides in the front seat.

Uh, hey, what're
you kids doin'?

Homework.
Got finals comin' up.

Well, put it away. This is
something really important.

Now...

as we all know,

my good friend Puggy Weaver
is leaving the neighborhood.

So this is my last chance
to break his alley record

in front of his sweaty,
pork-like little face.

I've been training
for weeks,

avoiding anything
that would hurt me:

red meat, red wine...

redheads.

And those energy-draining
showers.

Behind every successful man
is a woman who didn't marry me.

Now, you,
my children,

have the important task

of recording my victory
for posterity.

Too many a great
Bundy moment

has been lost
for lack of a camera.

Oh, honey, we had a camera
on our honeymoon.

You just kept
b*ating the flash.

Well, Peg, if you recall,

I was doing fine till
you came into the room.

Come on, Peg.

This'll be the first birthday
you begin in an alley.

Kids, get
the cameras.

Peg, get my ball.

Al,
it's my birthday.

You're right.
I'll carry the ball.

You go push-start the car.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Ready, Dad.

AL:
I'm entering!

Widen.

Widen.

Did you get your mother?

Yeah, Dad.

Rewind.

Hi.

I'm Al Bundy at Jim's Bowlarama.

Feelin' good, feelin' spry.

What have we here?

A plaque,

which denotes the highest game
in Bowlarama history,

a plaque which will
soon read, "Al Bundy."

Yep.

Al Bundy, Al Bundy

Brave, courageous and bold

Long live his fame

And long live his glory

Long may his story be told

Still picture, please.

Daddy, help.

I'm blind!

Let us bowl!

Daddy?

Daddy?

Daddy?

[SNIFFING]

Somethin'
die in here?

Oh. Bundy.

Puggy.

I didn't
recognize you

with your fist
out of your nose.

So I understand
you're leavin' town.

I guess you'll be
packin' up the wife, kids,

and the -pound hooker you
visit every Friday after work.

So I just stopped by

to give you a little
goin'-away present.

Al "The King" Bundy

will now do
to your record

what time has done
to your face.

Peg...

unzip it.

The bag, Peg.

There's a spot
on my ball.

Peg!

Sorry, girls.
He's taken.

Start tape.

BUD:
Ready, Dad.

Frame one:

the Bundy legend.

Stee-rike!

Well, it's gonna be
a long evening, Mom.

You want me to order
a couple of beers?

For you, and, uh,

some ice cream
with gummy bears for me?

Stee-rike!

Still a long way
to , Bundy.

Not for your wife, Puggy.

Al,

I'm bored.

Peg, this is
a bowling alley.

Surely you can find
something to do?

Well, I just
can't decide.

Let's see.

Tennis, baccarat,
chamber music.

Oh, I know.

Maybe those gentlemen
scratching their behinds

are having a poetry reading.

Peg, bowl!

Oh, yeah, that would
look really great.

There is nothing
more pathetic

than a woman
who bowls alone.

[SIGHS]

Well, here
we are again.

Marcie?

Peggy!

Oh!

This isn't as pitiful
as it seems.

Well, actually,

I was told this is
a good place to meet men.

And it is.

Why, just last week,
I met two guys.

Of course,
they left together.

Yep, the single life
for me.

Oh, yeah.

This is the place
to find a good one.

You know,
there's nothing wrong

with dating a doctor
or a lawyer,

but when you are really ready
to settle down...

[CHUCKLES]

...you can't b*at
a bowler.

Frame eight:

With grim
determination,

Bundy picks up
his ball,

knowing all he needs
is two strikes

and eight little pins

and a certain pork pie's record
is history.

Oh, there is no joy
in Pugville.

Mighty Bundy
shall strike out.

Just bowl, shoemeister.

Al, honey,

I just bowled
four strikes in a row.

Shut up, Peg.

Stee-rike!

Honey, this really
is so exciting.

I mean, four strikes
in a row!

I've never
done that before.

Come on, you gotta
come see.

Peg, this is
your birthday,

please don't make me
k*ll you.

Okay, okay.

I'll be quiet.

Honey?

Huh?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

A - - split.

You gotta pick all them up
and bowl a strike

if you wanna
break my record.

What did you want,
Peg?

Well, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.

Away, woman!

One more strike to go!

PEG:
Stee-rike!

Ah, heh.

Are you ready,
Bud?

Ready,
Dad.

Kelly?

Good girl, Kelly.

This is for all the marbles.

Stee-ee...

...ee-ee-eeee...

...rike!

I did it!

Two-fifty-seven!

I got it on tape!

My life is not for nothing!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm so happy!

Nothing can ruin
this moment.

PEG:
Stee-rike!

Hey, the broad
in the gown

just bowled
six strikes in a row!

You've got six strikes
in a row, Peggy.

Gee, I wonder what
the Bowlarama record is.

Uh, Peg.
I'm done.

We can go
home now.

She can't go now.

She's bowling
a once-in-a-lifetime game.

Yeah, Dad.
Look.

I mean, three more strikes
and your record's history.

Oh, uh,

Dad?

Could you, sweat
this way, please?

Al, wouldn't it be great
if I broke your record?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man.

That'd be the icing
on the tombstone.

Any tips
for tomorrow's losers?

I hope someone's
filming you

during the reading
of my will.

Ah, who cares?
I'm not worried.

Bud, your mother
has a average,

just like
in high school.

There's no way she could
possibly continue to--

MARCIE:
Strike!

Throw strikes.

See, what you gotta know
about bowling

is that anybody can make
a lucky sh*t.

But over the long run,
the game is set up

so only
the truly skillful--

MARCIE:
Strike!

Get that stupid thing
out of my face!

Peg, listen,
honey.

I was
just thinkin',

this is no place
to spend the evening.

You're all dressed up.
This is your birthday.

I know! What say we go home,

I take my shirt off,
you rub my back.

I can't, honey.

Didn't you hear?

I have eight strikes
in a row.

Just wait here.

I'm gonna break
your record.

What a great birthday!

BUD:
Hey, Dad.

A little hemlock
on the rocks, eh?

Not yet, son.

I still have
one w*apon left.

Watch.

Oh, Peg.

Please make
this strike for me.

You'll make me
the happiest man on Earth.

Aw.
See, I've...

I got a little money
ridin' on you, Peg.

Do it for me, baby.

Do it, honey. Mwah!

[GIGGLING] [LAUGHING]

Gutter ball.

[SCREAMING]

Strike!

A new alley record!

Unbelievable!




Well...

nothin' much left to say
but goodbye, eh, Dad?

Aw, it doesn't matter.
It's no big thing.

Well, whatever she bowls,

I'll just come back
and b*at her.

I'll bowl every night
of my life

until that record
is mine.

How bad can it be?

What's she bowling,
?

MARCIE:
Strike!

, Dad.

Not impossible.

Not impossible.

Oh, Al.

Honey, I need you.

Marcie says

that I am three balls away
from a perfect game.

A perfect game!

Oh, but, honey,
I'm nervous.

I mean,
what if I mess up

like you did
on our honeymoon?

Al, help me.

Hey,
everybody!

I've got a woman working
on a perfect game here.

She's a little nervous,

so I want quiet.

That means no comments
about her shaking hands,

her...fading strength,

or her...outdated dress
that doesn't fit anymore

on, yet this,
another birthday.

So go ahead,
honey, bowl.

And remember,

I want
absolute quiet!

Aah!

[SCREAMING]

You, sir,
are Satan's toejam.

I know what
you're up to,

trying to sabotage
your own wife.

Is there no limit
to how low you'll go?

Well, I wouldn't
kiss you on a bet.

Can't you let this woman
have one night of joy?

She has so little.

She's married to you.

You've seen
her children.

And now, for one
fleeting moment,

she has a chance
to bask in the sun

instead of reeling
from the moons.

Now, go!
Encourage her.

Peg,

our children were k*lled
in an avalanche.

Bowl, Peggy.

Okay.

Bowl like
the wind.

We're all
behind you.

Can't b*at
a game, I guess.

Well, you know,

I never really
liked bowling, anyway.

Yeah, those years
of practice

just got me ready for
what I really like to do.

That's sit in the backyard
in a lawn chair,

let the buzzards
pick at my eyes.

She won't do it,
Dad.

I mean, the chances of her
bowling a perfect game

are a million-to-one.

I mean, even pros
don't bowl--

Strike!

[CROWD CHEERS]

One more!

One more,
and she's got it.

God, you must
feel low.

Kelly, come here.

Now, kids, do you know what
we're witnessing here?

A-- A perfect game?

No, no.

The Bundy curse.

It's what keeps us
from being happy.

There's no point
in fighting it.

It's what separates us
from the ordinary losers.

They can have
their moments,

but not us.

Never us.

But Mom's having
a major moment now,

and she's a Bundy.

She's not truly
a Bundy.

See, your mother's just
a Bundy by marriage.

She's part
of the curse.

But we are
blood Bundys.

We are truly doomed.

ALL [WEAKLY]:
Whoa, Bundy.

Okay, Al.

Okay, honey.

This one's
for you.

I know it is,
Peg.

I know.
Okay.

CROWD:
Aw!

Yes!

Yes!

I can bowl again!

I can bowl again!

[CHEERING]

I did it! I did it!

Oh, my God! Al! Al!

Honey! Honey,
I bowled a perfect game!

Aren't you proud of me?

Al?

Al?

[OVER TV]
Hi. Garrett Glaser
for News Wrap-Up.

A tragedy was narrowly
averted today

when a man returning home
from a bowling alley,

where his wife just bowled
a perfect game,

raced into
a burning building,

saved a family of
and the family dog, Winky.

Mr. Bundy,
what made you do it?

Well, Garrett,
I've always been a winner.

And winners are always
there at the winnin' time.

Mr. Bundy,
people around here

are talking about
running you for mayor.

[CHUCKLES]
Well...

I'm not saying I won't run.

But if I do,

order the beer and
get your bribes out,

'cause
as I said before,

I am a winner.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Mom, why is Dad watching
a blank screen?

I don't know.

But he seems happy.

He may have
just snapped, Mom.

Well, it's not like you need
a brain to sell shoes.

Come on, kids.

Help Mommy put
her big trophy

in front of
Daddy's little ones.

[LAUGHS]

Good night,
honey.

Good night,
Daddy.

Good night,
Dad.

Hi, everybody,
I'm Roy Firestone.

Our guest tonight
on Sportslook

personally rewrote
the record book

on both offense
and defense.

Meet the future
hall-of-famer,

Al "Icky" Bundy.

You know, Al, I can't help
but notice the fact

that you're wearing
your football jersey

three months after
the season was played.

Well, Roy, it fits good,
and the chicks love it.

[CHUCKLES]

Al, if we could get serious
for just a few moments.

Your wife's bowling game,
the perfect score...

did it in any way
affect you...

mentally?

Well, it might have
affected me, Roy,

if I didn't have anything
else in my life.

But, you know, between
the NFL and the endorsements,

and of course being knighted
by the Queen of England...

Well, what the hell,
let the little lady

have her little moment
in the sun, you know.

If there was
a single word,

a single word
that would define

the essence of you, Al,

what do you think
that word would be?

Winner.

Al Bundy,
ladies and gentlemen.

Husband, father,

football player,

bullfighter,

aviator,

inventor of
the seven-day underwear...

Truly, truly
the complete man.

Thank you, Al, for joining us.
We really appreciate it.

Hey, it's your dime, Roy.

We'll be back with more
on Sportslook right after this.
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