02x13 - My Master, the Great Caruso

[bunniefuu]

- Thanks.
- What time will you be home, master?

I'll be home early tonight, Jeannie.

We're going out on a double date
with Major Healey...

...then we're going to dinner
and the theatre.

Oh, I love the theatre.

Will we see a play by Aristophanes?

No, no. Aristophanes is not
as popular as he once was.

That is too bad.
He is such a nice man.

Yeah, yeah.

Who will Major Healey be taking?

I don't know. He didn't say.

- It's Roge. Will you let him in?
- Hi.

- Good morning.
- Hi, Roge.

Where'd you like
to go to dinner tonight?

- Dinner?
- Yeah, we got a date, remember?

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't make it tonight.

- Why not?
- Well, I'm up to my ears in work.

What are you talking about?
We're working on the same project.

- We're ahead of schedule.
- I wouldn't feel right...

...letting it go just to go out on a date.
You go have fun and I'll work.

But you must eat, Major Healey.

- I can pick up a sandwich at the office.
- What about your date?

Well, my date, well, she-
I cancelled it.

You know, you surprise me.

There's more to life than running
around having fun all the time.

Let's go.

Well, it has been a long time.

I was just saying to myself
the other day...

...why don't I give old Sue a call.

Look, if you're not
doing anything tonight...

...I thought maybe
the two of us could...

It's Roger Healey.

Hello?

She's too tall for me anyway.

Oh, boy.

Who wants to go out with a girl
that's ' " tall anyway?

Hi, Marilyn? This is Roger Healey.

Well, I met you
at Francis Gordon's party last year.

No, I'm not the tall, blond banker.

No, I'm the short, cute,
dark-haired astronaut.

Look, I was wondering,
if you're not doing anything tonight...

...maybe the two of us could...

Well, maybe next month,
if it's a bad month for you.

Well, maybe some other month.

Nice talking to you.

General Peterson asked me
to give these to you, major.

Thank you.

- Oh, Evelyn?
- Yes.

- Evelyn, I was just thinking...
- Yes, major?

Tony and I are going
on a double date tonight.

I thought if you weren't doing anything
maybe the two of us could...

I'm afraid my fiancé wouldn't like it.
He's very jealous.

Jealous. Fiancé.

I didn't know you were engaged.
That's great. That's great.

Maybe some other time.
Got a lot of work to do anyway.

Oh, Evelyn...

...you don't happen to have
a roommate, do you?

I live with my mother.

Well, if she's not
doing anything tonight...

- Hi, Roge.
- Oh, hi.

- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

- A little coffee for you.
- Thank you.

Change your mind about tonight?

Tonight?

Oh, tonight. Look, I told you
I'm not interested in dating.

I've got a lot of work to do.

You haven't been out in weeks.
You mean you're not dating anybody?

Am I-? Are you kidding me?
Am I dating anybody?

I'm dating dozens of girls.

Listen, they don't call me Casanova
Healey for nothing, you know.

- No girl in particular?
- They're all particular.

That's why they go out with me.
I play the field.

They just have to line up
and wait their turn.

Okay, we'll go out
with Eddie and Jean-Anne.

Nice couple. That's really nice.

- Oh, Tony. I...
- Yeah?

That's a pretty tie.

Oh, well, thank you.

Jeannie, if you're
gonna be here, be here.

Thank you.

Jeannie, what are you doing here?

I am worried
about Major Healey, master.

Roger? Why are you
worried about him?

- Is he going with us tonight?
- No. No, he's not.

I did not think so.
And I think I know why.

Well, he told us why.
He's gotta work tonight.

I do not think that is the real reason.

Master.

I do not believe Major Healey
can get a date.

Old Casanova Healey? He can get
all the dates he wants.

I do not think so.

- But would that not be a lovely idea?
- What?

If Major Healey could get
all the dates he wants?

If all women found him irresistible?

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it would.

Well, I shall go home now, master.

I want to get dressed
so Major Healey and his date...

...will think that I am beautiful.

Jeannie, I told you that Roger's not
going out with us tonight.

I think so.

I don't think so-

Roger Healey.

Sue who?

Sue?

Yeah, well, we were
probably disconnected.

You would like to go out to dinner
with me tonight?

Yeah, but you said-

Wait. Can you hold on, Sue?
I've got someone on the other line.

Roger Healey.
Look, can you hold on, sir?

Marilyn?

Is the date still on? Well, I thought
you said you were busy.

Well, it's nice of you
to break a date just for me.

I'm flattered.

You couldn't keep me
off your mind all year?

Hold on. Don't go away.
Don't go away.

Hello, Sue?

- Major Healey?
- Hold on. Yes?

What time did you say
dinner was tonight?

Dinner tonight?

- What about your fiancé?
- What about him?

Don't go away.

Hello. Yeah, yeah, Sue?

Yeah, something's come up.
I'm afraid I can't make it tonight.

And don't wait by the phone.
I may not be able to get back to you.

Yeah. Okay. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Don't go away.
- Not a chance.

Hello, Marilyn?

Yeah. Marilyn, I'm afraid I'm not
gonna get to you tonight.

Yeah. I'm awfully sorry. Maybe I can
get back to you in a couple weeks.

Yeah. Don't try- Don't-
Goodbye, Marilyn.

It's the strangest thing.

It's as though I've never really
looked at you before.

You're the most exciting man
I have ever met.

Let's not tell your fiancé about this.

- Until tonight.
- Well, what time shall I pick you up?

Don't bother. I'll meet you
at your place.

I'll be there at : ...

...if I can wait that long.

I'm irresistible.

What have you done to Roger?
Every girl in town is after him.

I have made him irresistible.

What? Roger?

Believe me, master. No woman
can keep from falling in love with him.

I saw it done once
in a play from Aristophanes.

- There was this man and-
- Yeah.

Why did you do it to him?

Because, the reason Major Healey
would not come with us tonight...

...was because he was ashamed.
He could not get a date.

Oh, so you changed all that?

Yes, master. Are you not pleased?

You're right, Jeannie,
I'm not pleased.

But why?

Well, I don't know, really. I do know
that if you did this to him...

...somehow, somewhere,
it's got to lead to a disaster.

Oh, no, master, not this time.
This time you will see you are wrong.

I have made Major Healey
the happiest man in the world...

...and no trouble will come from it.
Believe me. No trouble.

Hey, where did we
get this, by the way?

Nice, nice.

If you look at the chart, you'll see that
after minutes in vacuum, they...

Well, the respiration rate
starts to change.

Excuse me, sir.

Roger Healey.

Look, I told you
not to call me at the office.

I know it's hard to get along
without me, but you'll just have to.

No, no, no. I can't see you
until next week.

Hold on. Maybe I can fit you in here.

How about Saturday?

Saturday. Okay. Saturday.

No, no, no, no, no.

All right, so if there's a cancellation
I'll fit you in.

Okay? All right. Bye, Betty.

Sorry, that's an old friend of mine.

I understand.

- Wish I did.
- What?

Nothing, sir. What were you saying
about these two charts?

Now, if we-

Yes?

- I didn't know you were busy.
- Yeah, well, I'm busy.

- Will you be tied up long?
- Tied up long.

- Call me later.
- I'll call you. I'll call you.

Please, don't forget.

Yeah, I won't forget.

Major, when do you
find time to work?

Well, sir, work is really
all I'm interested in.

Now...

We'll finish this in my office
this afternoon.

This afternoon, yes, sir.

I'll see that the phones are shut off.

Roger Healey.

Oh, hi. Oh, yeah. Oh, listen,
a party on your father's yacht?

The th?

Oh, I'm sorry, the th I'm booked.
Oh, yeah.

How about the th? A party-

Okay. A party at your father's yacht.

The th. Got it. Bye-bye.

Sue, Marilyn, Alice,
Mary, Gina, Zelda.

- Zelda?
- You should see Zelda.

You don't have the same name
down here twice.

It wouldn't be fair
to the rest of them.

You know I'm booked every day
through November?

It's the most fantastic thing
that ever happened to me.

I can't believe-
You know something?

You may not believe this,
but I'm irresistible.

I've always found you irresistible.

Come on, I mean it. I'm kind of a cross
between Sean Connery...

...Richard Burton and Rex Harrison.

No, come on, now.
I've always known it...

...but it seems lately every woman
in the world has discovered it.

Well, I must say,
you must be having a lot of fun.

Yeah, yeah. I just hope I live
long enough to enjoy it.

Yes? Major Healey's office.

Just a moment, please.
It's your mother.

Come on.

Roger Healey.
I'm all booked up through Nov-

Hello, mother.

On this graph,
the tests Roger and I made...

...show the up curve
on the respiration chart-

Where is Major Healey?
I asked him to be here.

He ought to be along shortly, sir.

Last time I saw him
he was talking to his mother.

Yes, I've seen some of his mothers.
They're beautiful.

Hello, dear.

I'm sorry, darling.
Am I interrupting?

No, dear, we're almost finished.

I just came from the dullest
Ladies Aid meeting.

It is my last year as chairman,
I promise you, Alfred.

Yes, dear.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Major Nelson.
Mrs. Bellows.

- How do you do, Major Nelson?
- Pleasure to meet you.

Major Nelson.

Yes, my husband talks about you
night and day.

- Sorry I'm late, sir. I got tied up.
- Oh, yes.

This is Major Healey.
Mrs. Bellows.

Mrs. Bellows? I didn't know
you were married, sir.

How do you do, Mrs. Bellows.
You have a fine husband.

- Major Healey?
- Yes?

My husband and I insist that you
join us for dinner this evening.

- I beg your pardon.
- I want to talk to you.

Well, I'm rather busy right now.
If you'd like to make an appointment-

I want to talk to you now
and you better listen good.

- Look, whoever you are, I'm not-
- Just call me Morgan, Major Healey.

Oh, I'm not Major Healey.

- You're not?
- No.

Oh, that's my mistake.

Can you tell me
where I might find him?

Sure, he's right down the hall there.

- Thank you. Sorry to bother you.
- Yeah.

Bowling, to . Okay.

Well, honey, I'm doing the best I can.
I'm only one man.

Now, you know I do.
Now, honey, I've said it before, I-

- Of course I do.
- Roger.

- Oh, hi, Tony.
- I gotta talk to you.

Now will you pull yourself together?

What happened to the last
autographed picture I gave you?

Roger, this is urgent.
I gotta talk to you.

You don't know what urgent is.
I've got Zelda on the phone.

Look, look, if I have a cancellation
on the seventh, I'll call you, okay?

Would you just hang up?

Look, I've gotta hang up, dear.

Yeah. Someone has to handle things
around here. Goodbye.

What is it?

- Say hello to Morgan.
- Hello, Morgan.

- You Roger Healey?
- Ask anyone.

Just dropped by
to congratulate you.

- Oh, congratulate me? What for?
- On your wedding Sunday.

I'm not getting married Sunday.

Yes, you are.

Boys and me are picking you up
at your apartment : sharp.

- Be ready.
- I hate to be nosy...

...but who is it I'm marrying?

I ought to give it to you for that.

Well, if I offended you,
forget I asked.

Evelyn and me
was gonna be married.

- Evelyn?
- But she's crazy about you.

What Evelyn wants, she gets.

Sunday, : .

If you're not there
you better be in space...

...because that's the only place
you're gonna be safe.

You astronauts,
you're doing a great job.

- You think he meant it?
- Yeah, I think we're doing a great job.

Oh, boy. I better find out
if there's a space sh*t Sunday.

Listen, are you really in love
with this girl, Evelyn?

Of course.
I'm in love with all of them.

- Agnes, Ann, Georgia...
- You can't be in love with all of them.

I don't know what it is. It's like turning
a hungry kid loose in a candy store.

Look, I can't get married.
There'll be a mass wave of suicides.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

I wonder if I could speak to you
a moment, Major Healey.

Certainly, sir.

I don't quite know
how to begin, major, but-

Well, if it's about Mrs. Bellows, sir-

Yes, it's about Mrs. Bellows.

Well, I can assure you, sir-

I'm not trying to pin the blame
on anyone, major.

As a psychiatrist I realize
how complex these things can be.

It's not just Mrs. Bellows,
it seems that all the girls-

But because of my wife's
infatuation, I find it...

...awkward for both of us
to be here on the same base.

- I agree with you, sir, it's-
- I think it best if one of us leaves.

Well, I'll miss you, sir. I'm sorry-

So, I'm having you
transferred to the Aleutians.

The Aleutians?

I've been to the Aleutians.

I wouldn't send
my worst enemy to the Aleutians.

I would.

You can plan on leaving
in the morning.

I can't go to the Aleutians.

I'm getting married Sunday.

Jeannie?

Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.

Hello, master, you are home early.

Yes, yes, I have some news for you.

Do you remember me telling you
that somehow, somewhere...

...what you did to Roger
would lead to a disaster?

Yes, and you were wrong,
were you not, master?

No, I were not.

The somehow is the mafia,
and the somewhere is the Aleutians.

I do not understand.

Roger, on Sunday, is going to have
to marry this gangster's girlfriend.

Only he's not gonna
be able to be there.

Dr. Bellows is sending him
to the Aleutian Islands.

That is terrible.

How does Major Healey
get himself into these things?

Jeannie, you've gotta help him.

I will fix it so all women hate him.
Then there will be no reason...

...for him to get married
or be sent to the Aleutians.

No, you can't do that.
No, don't. Really.

Why not?

You can't destroy a man's ego.

Couldn't you just make it possible
for him to be a little less loveable?

Well, I do not know, master.
It may be too late.

- Excuse me.
- Now, where are you going?

Jeannie?

Goodbye, Zelda.

Goodbye, Nancy.

Goodbye, girls.

Goodbye, office.

Roger. Oh, Roger, I just heard.

Take it easy, Mrs. Bellows.
We're on government property.

I can't bear your being sent away.

- I'll go to the Aleutians with you.
- You wouldn't like it.

- There's igloos and polar bears.
- I love igloos and polar bears.

Mrs. Bellows, you're just
gonna have to be brave.

You've just gotta hold on.

- So here you are.
- I was just telling Mrs. Bellows...

...she and the girls
are gonna have to do without me.

And what do you say?

What do I say?

I say we've been getting along
just fine without him all these years.

I think we can continue to do so.

You mean, you don't mind
if Major Healey leaves?

Mind? Darling, why should I mind?

Couldn't care less
whether he stays or goes.

What about the igloos
and the polar bears?

Dear, maybe you
should keep him here.

Keep him under observation.

Well, under the circumstances,
major...

...I don't see any point
in your going to the Aleutians.

We'll consider that order cancelled.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.
I get chilblain.

- Shall we go, dear?
- Yes.

- Goodbye, major.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, doctor?
- Yes.

Don't count on me
for dinner tonight.

Hello, girls. Hello, girls. Hello.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, and Zelda.

Oh, darling. I heard
you were leaving.

Listen, don't panic, dear. Don't panic.
I'm not leaving. I'm staying.

Listen, about
that marriage Sunday...

Married?

Me marry you? You're joking.

I told you I was engaged.

You better
pull yourself together, major.

Hi. Roger Healey here.

Hi, Mary. You remember
we had a date this coming June?

Yeah, well, I had a few cancellations
and I thought that you'd like to-

Jeannie, you did the one single thing
I asked you not to do.

But the problem is solved.

No, it's not. It's not solved at all.
It's worse than ever.

Do you know what it means
not to be loved?

- Yes, but I fixed it.
- Roger must be shattered.

Oh, no, master.
Major Healey feels very loved.

How could he? There's not a girl
in the world that would speak to him.

Tony! Tony, open up!

What's the matter?
What is it?

- Oh, Tony, help me.
- What's the matter?

What's the matter?
They're after me.

Jeannie, I thought you fixed that.

I did, I did, master.

Don't open it up!