02x17 - The Greatest Invention in the World

[bunniefuu]

Is there any more coffee, Jeannie?

Oh, thanks.

Master, why do you not
work at home today?

Is this not much nicer
than a stuffy old office?

No, it's not a stuffy old office.

Roger's gonna pick me up
in a few minutes.

We have a conference
with General Peterson.

I'm taking up a with some
experimental equipment on it.

- Now, that's not stuffy.
- And you find that exciting?

It's not supposed to be exciting.

- Well, then why do you do it?
- Because I like it.

- Good morning, Major Healey.
- Oh, hi, Roge. Come on out.

Roge? What's wrong?

Look, we'd better
get over to the office.

We have a meeting
in minutes, so...

Well, you've got time
for a cup of coffee.

- Very nice.
- Sit down. What's worrying you?

What could worry me
when I have a friend like you?

Have you had any other
nice wishes today?

- What's on your mind?
- There's nothing on my mind.

I'll tell you what's on my mind.
You know what's on my mind?

If I had my own genie...

...and my best friend wanted
to borrow her from me, I'd let him.

Oh, not again.
Roger, we've been through all this.

Jeannie won't do me any harm.

- Oh, of course not.
- You see?

She won't mean to, but that's
what'll happen. You know that.

I don't wanna keep her,
all I want is three little wishes.

- No.
- Two wishes?

- Roger.
- One teensy-weensy wish?

Oh, please, may I, master?

I promise, I'll never ask you
another thing in my life.

Just one wish.
What have you got to lose?

I don't know.
I haven't heard the wish yet.

All right, go ahead, give him a wish.

All I want is one- One wish?

You're going to give me a wish?

Only one. Don't go crazy.

Go crazy? I'm the richest man
in the whole world.

Oh, am I rich. Yachts, chateaus-

You wish to be the richest man
in the whole world.

No! Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Maybe I should look like
Gregory Peck.

Can you imagine the girls
falling in love with me?

- Gregory Peck.
- Wait!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

With all that money,
I don't have to look like Gregory Peck.

With that money, I should live
long enough to spend it.

- Maybe I should wish for a long life.
- Long life.

- Wait!
- Roger, would you hurry up?

- We've got a meeting.
- Hold your tongue.

You may be talking to the next
President of the United States.

Can you imagine that?
The president of the United States.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Tony.
Oh, I wished I hadn't done that.

Oh, Jeannie, you're wonderful.
And I wished I hadn't done that.

" I wished I hadn't done it"?
Oh, no!

You can't do this to the next president.
You said one wish.

- And you had it.
- You mean I've been had.

I'm sorry, Major Healey, but you
did wish for the stain to disappear.

- That's right. Thanks, Roge.
- Think nothing of it.

That's the only
five-billion-dollar stain in history.

- Bye, Jeannie.
- Wait, that was my wish?

- That's right.
- Oh, wait. Stains don't count.

- No.
- You can't- Well, you can...

Boy, these flies are k*lling me.

Get them.
Get them, get them, get them.

- Hey, hey. Will you-? Will you-?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, I wanna...

Look at the grease on that thing.

- What were you saying?
- I was just saying that-

Major Nelson.

- Hey, look out!
- Roger, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm so-

I don't understand.

I just saw you smear him
with that grease...

- ... and his uniform is absolutely clean.
- Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?

How do you explain that,
Major Nelson?

- There's really nothing to explain, sir.
- I know what I saw.

Roger, will you put that thing down?
Now, just put it down.

You gotta stop horsing around-

Your blouse won't get dirty.

It must be the experiment
we're working on, sir.

This is the most incredible thing
I've ever seen.

And since you've been here,
Major Nelson...

...I've seen some
pretty incredible things.

- Nothing to it, sir.
- It's the simplest thing in the world.

- How do you do it?
- It's the X Factor, sir.

You spray this fluid on the material,
and it keeps it from permeating.

- Remarkable.
- Yes.

If you'll excuse us,
we have a briefing.

- Briefing. Briefing?
- Yes.

- Roge.
- Oh, briefing.

Briefing. Let's don't be late
for the briefing, Tony.

Oh, general, I've got to talk to you.

- Is anything wrong?
- Wrong? Oh, just a moment, sir.

Oh, captain, would you please see
the general isn't disturbed. Thank you.

General Peterson,
unless I miss my guess...

...we'll be showing this
to the president of the United States...

- ... by nightfall.
- Looks like a can of fly spray.

It might look like
a can of fly spray, sir...

...but it's probably the most exciting
discovery ever made.

- Would you mind standing up?
- You want me to stand up?

Please, general.

- Well, what does it do?
- You'll see, general.

You'll see. It has an X Factor in it.

Now, first we spray on
the X Factor...

...then we put on
some black grease...

...just like this. Now, you watch.
Watch closely.

- Tea?
- Yeah.

No, no, no.

I wish I hadn't blown that wish
this morning.

You ought to
consider yourself lucky.

It's the first time I've known Jeannie to
grant a wish and not cause a disaster.

- A disaster?
- Yeah.

Oh, a disaster. Wait a minute.
You know how big this is?

- A material that's indestructible.
- Who said it's indestructible?

Listen, when Jeannie blinks,
she doesn't fool around.

- Of course not.
- Oh, hi, Jeannie.

You've stumbled on
something really marvellous.

- Oh, do you really think so, master?
- Yeah.

Do you know what this could do
to the housewives all over the world?

Well, they'll never have to
wash clothes or mend anything.

- Nothing'll ever get dirty.
- Or torn.

- Or torn. Right.
- Torn.

What are you doing?
What are you gonna do?

I wanna cut a piece out
and have it analysed.

Roge, what are you doing?

- I broke the scissors.
- The scissors.

I saw it. Your blouse
broke the scissors.

Well, how do you
explain that, major?

Well, it's part of the same
experiment we're working on, sir.

Why didn't the other fluid work?

Oh, the other-
Well, it probably wasn't fresh.

- No, it has to be fresh.
- Right.

- Is this fresh?
- Yes. Oh, we just got it.

If you don't mind, I'll take this.

Why don't he get his own coffee.

- Tea.
- Tea.

Believe me, general,
I know what went wrong.

- The X Factor wasn't fresh.
- The X Factor wasn't fresh.

I've just seen this demonstrated.
Watch the scissors break.

Do you realize we can make anything
with this material?

We can make suits and dresses
and fabrics.

- There's no limit to what we can do.
- We're not gonna make anything.

- But why, master?
- Well, think, Jeannie.

If this ever got on the market,
it could-

It could destroy our whole economy.

I don't think there'd be
a fabric firm in existence.

It would affect, well,
tailoring establishments...

...and cleaning
and clothing manufacturers...

...and finally, it'd get down to trucks
and railroad cars and gasoline.

You dirty blouse.
Let's destroy it before it destroys us.

- How are you going to destroy it?
- I'm gonna burn it.

Here. But I do not think
it will burn, master.

I wasn't planning on using a match.

I'll hold the torch, Tony, you light it.

There we are.

Here, you hold it.

There we are.

Stand back.

Watch it, so we don't burn
the garage down.

All right, let's give this a try.

There's not a mark on it.
I can't believe it.

I don't believe it either,
but I just saw it.

- You sh*t that flame at this blouse.
- Yes, I- Yes, I did.

- You saw it, Major Healey.
- Well, I...

And this blouse is untouched.
You said so yourself.

Did I? Yeah. Oh, I did. Yes.

Don't think I don't know
what you're up to.

- You're trying to keep this to yourself.
- No, sir. It's just not ready yet.

I want the secret formula that you used
on this, major, the X Factor.

We just ran out.
As a matter of fact, we ran out.

What's this?

"Secret Formula. "

- X Factor. This is it.
- No, sir. That's really not it.

- It's not ready.
- I'll just take this with me.

Sir, you see, it's not- It's still
in the experimental stage.

Major Nelson, I want you
to keep yourself available.

Unless I miss my guess,
within hours...

...we're going to be
at the White House.

Now, keep your eye on the blouse,
general. It won't even be touched.

Here, let me get that.

Are you moving
to another office, sir?

You might say that. Permanently.

- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, haven't they told you?

General Peterson has transferred me
out of Cape Kennedy.

Why?

Because he's found a place where
he thinks I might be more useful.

- I'm going to Iceland.
- Sir?

To work with the Eskimos.

Why would General Peterson
do that?

- Your X Factor, major.
- My what?

Well, I tried to show General Peterson
how it worked.

- I destroyed three of his uniforms.
- You didn't.

I don't understand it, but the X Factor
seems only to have worked for you.

Sir, if I knew you were gonna do a
thing like that, I would've stopped you.

- Would you?
- Yes.

I'm sorry I couldn't have
stayed around here long enough...

...to find out what makes you tick.

Next to me, you're probably
the most interesting psychiatric case...

- ... I've ever come across.
- Next to you, sir?

Yes. Sometimes I think
I'm losing my mind.

One minute I'm rational,
and then the next minute...

...you do things that-

Oh, well, maybe the Eskimos
will be good for me.

They're simple people.

They don't float in the air
or change the days of the week...

...or control the weather.

I should have a word
with General Peterson.

It won't do any good.
He's in a very upset state.

When I left him, he was bellowing.

No, I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.

- Sir, perhaps-
- I'd appreciate it very much...

...if you'd write to me from time to time
and let me know what you're...

...doing.

- Yes, sir. Good luck, sir.
- Thank you.

Quartermaster?

Oh, hi, captain.
Yeah, this is Major Healey.

Look, I was just wondering, how much
do we spend a year on uniforms?

Oh, that much?

Look, I was just wondering,
what would you think about this:

What if I came up with a uniform...

...that if you put grease on it,
it wouldn't spot?

And you couldn't cut it.
You couldn't tear it or rip it.

Or if you put a torch to it,
it wouldn't burn?

Captain?

Why would I keep Dr. Bellows here?
He's dangerous.

Sir, I've worked with Dr. Bellows
for the last two years.

- And believe me, he's a man-
- I know what he is.

He walked into this office,
said we were going to Washington.

Put some fly spray on me, and he
smeared grease all over my uniform.

- Yes, but, I-
- Then he came back with scissors...

...put some tea on me and started
cutting up another uniform.

And then he came in
and he set fire to this.

Kind of scorched.

I don't suppose it could be patched.

I've gotta get him out of here
before I run out of clothes.

Look what I gotta wear!

You see, Dr. Bellows
is rather highly strung, sir.

Highly strung? He's snapped.

I'm sure if you'd give him
another chance-

If I gave him another chance,
by next Monday I'd be naked.

No, sir. Let the Eskimos
worry about him for a while.

Well, I feel partially responsible
for this, general.

Dr. Bellows saw Major Healey and I
conducting an experiment...

...and he thought we were able
to take a piece of cloth...

...and make it
practically indestructible.

Tony, I admire loyalty in any man.

I'm coming to his defence because
I don't wanna see an injustice.

- Tony, I wanna give you a little advice.
- Yes, sir?

It's the same advice I'd give you
if you were my own son.

- Yes, sir?
- Get out.

Check.

Checkmate.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you, master.

Is anything wrong?

They're sending Dr. Bellows
to Iceland.

- And this does not please you?
- No, it does not please me.

- Where would you like him to go?
- I wouldn't like him to go anywhere.

Dr. Bellows is being punished
for something that was not his fault.

And would you like to know
whose fault it is?

No, I do not think so.

One little wish.

You grant Roger Healey one little wish,
and we lose Dr. Bellows.

He's a very good man.
This base can't afford to lose him.

Well, did you explain this
to General Peterson?

General Peterson.
He just tossed me out of his office.

He tossed-?

Wait a minute. Don't.
Not General Peterson.

I really don't need that.

Surely, there must be someone
above General Peterson?

Well, there's General Burke.
That's his immediate superior.

But he's at the Pentagon.
How would I explain that to him?

Well, do not worry, master.
I will explain it.

Yeah.

Good afternoon, airman.

- Yes?
- It's General Patterson.

- Peterson.
- Of course.

I'm Colonel Harris.
General Burke sent me.

Well, I'm very happy to know you,
colonel. General Burke here?

Here? No, he'll be down later.

He wanted me to tell you how pleased
he is with the work you've been doing.

Is he? Well, we all try to do our best.
We have a good team here, you know.

Those are the general's
exact words.

May I tell you something
in confidence?

Why, certainly, colonel.

The reason the general
is coming here...

...is to give a special commendation
to one of the members of your team.

- Well, that's wonderful. Who is he?
- Dr. Bellows.

Dr. Bellows?

General Burke says
he's been doing a great job.

Well, where is he, general?

As a matter of fact, Dr. Bellows
is just leaving on a little trip.

He may even be gone by now.

General Burke will be surprised
you could spare him.

But I suppose
it's just for the weekend.

You know, General Burke
and Dr. Bellows are old classmates.

- Old classmates? I didn't know that.
- Oh, yes.

General Burke thinks the world
of Dr. Bellows.

- He does?
- Yes, they're cousins.

- They're cousins?
- First cousins.

Well, I don't think Dr. Bellows
will be going away on that trip after all.

You tell General Burke I'd find it hard
to get along without him.

Oh, goody. The general
will be pleased to hear that.

Will you excuse me for a moment,
colonel? Just make yourself at home.

- Oh, Dr. Bellows, I-
- Yes, general?

- What are you doing?
- Doing? I'm packing.

- Packing? Where are you going?
- Where am I going?

You've sent me to Siberia.
I mean, Iceland.

Do you know the trouble
with you, doctor?

- You're too sensitive.
- I'm too sensitive?

You don't think we could get along
around here without you, did you?

But, general, you ordered me
to pack my things and get out.

- And you thought I meant it?
- Didn't you?

As I just said
to a friend of your cousin's...

...I couldn't possibly
get along without you.

- My "cousin's"?
- After all, what's a few uniforms?

General, you mean I don't have to
leave Cape Kennedy?

Why, I wouldn't dream
of letting you go.

I'll deduct the uniforms
from your pay.

- I don't know what to say.
- Well, don't say anything.

- And, doctor.
- Yes?

- Try go get plenty of rest.
- I certainly will.

Oh, and I'm awfully sorry
about your uniforms.

- Oh, forget it.
- Oh, I'll never forget it, general.

So Jeannie came back here
and she called General Peterson...

...and told him that General Burke
couldn't make it until later this month.

That's marvellous.
I guess the old quack is still with us.

He's not a quack, Roger.
He's a very competent man.

Oh, I enjoyed getting him
out of trouble.

You should.
You enjoyed getting him into it.

- I did not.
- You did too.

- Are you finished?
- Yeah. Look, Jeannie-

- I did not.
- I know you didn't mean to-

- You know I don't do things like that.
- You just fell into it.

Wait a minute, will you? I'm the one
that got cheated out of the wish.

I didn't get to finish
my strawberry shortcake.

- Now, all I want is one wish.
- No, no, Roger.

- I'm not gonna grant another wish.
- I never-

- That's one thing I'm not gonna do.
- Please.

- She wants to give me the wish.
- I've had enough.

- No.
- A tiny little wish.

- All right, all right!
- All right?

You're gonna give me one wish?

Oh, boy, I'm rich.
Oh, yachts and chateaus.

- Chateaus and yachts.
- Wait. No. Wait, wait!

- I'll be a rich movie star, that's it.
- Movie star?

No, no, no! Oh, wait.
Maybe I should be a brain surgeon.

Brain surgeon?

Roger, you know, you're
the funniest man I've ever met.

You know what I wished
when I was a little boy?

I wished I were the funniest man
in the world.

Here you hold this, and I'll hold this.

Groucho.