04x19 - Best of Enemies

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make it
all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
no need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Say, lou. What do you
think of this? I wrote it.

"In the cold,
gray chill of dusk,

"The bank felt the
robbers enter...

And violate it."

Ted, what kind of
news story is this?

It's a technique I learned in
my creative writing class, lou.

It's called...

"Personification."

I rewrote murray's story, telling of the
bank robbery from the bank's point of view.

Oh. Ted, don't write anymore.

We're not even sure we want you
to read, so don't write anymore.

I only took the course because I heard
cronkite sometimes writes his news.

And if cronkite can
do it, baxter can do it.

And if baxter can
do it, a duck can do it.

If it weren't for me, we wouldn't
have that swell scoop right now.

Ted, don't say "scoop." "Scoop" is
what lois lane says to clark kent.

If you want to say "scoop,"
go get a job on the daily planet.

While you're at it, why
don't you try to get

Him to take the press
pass out of his hat band?

Mary, you're gonna have
to do this story over again.

Take out ted's words and
put back murray's. Right.

Murray, have you
finished that editorial yet?

I'd like to read it
before we go on the air.

Here's the first page.
I've got to proof the rest.

I know what it is
that's bothering him.

Faced it all my life.

When you're really good-looking,
nobody takes you seriously.

Hiya, mar. Hi.

Your car and I are here. Oh.

And I put in a full t*nk of
gas for you. Hey, that's great.

Yeah. Listen, it's getting pretty
hard to get gas these days.

I had to give the attendant
a free set of glasses.

Boy, mary, you know something?

You got a real ms.
Job. What do you mean?

This is the kind of job gloria steinem
wants you to have. Ah. Yeah, right.

Whereas my job gidget would
have passed up to go hang ten.

- Oh, come on, rhoda.
- It's the truth, mar.

Responsibility, all
this excitement...

Although one semi-exciting thing
did happen to me at work today.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

They fired a window dresser.
She stole a mannequin.

Listen, rhoda, give me just a few
minutes. I gotta finish this story.

Yeah. It's a short story
though, mar. Listen.

They were interviewing
people for the job, right?

So they were all set
to hire this one girl.

And then they found out she lied
about having a lot of previous experience.

Oh! Rhoda, listen, really, I've
gotta get this done. Please.

Right. Sure. They'll probably
hire her anyway though.

I think they should. I mean,
everybody lies on job applications.

I know I have. Sure.

Hey, mary, you lied on your
job application for this, right?

You said you were a
college graduate, remember?

Rhoda!

I'm sorry. You gotta
finish. Go on. Go ahead.

Rh-rhoda, could I speak
to you for just a moment?

Yeah. What?

Ted, would you excuse
us? Oh, yeah, sure.

Rhoda, that application thing is
something I felt really funny about,

And I didn't want
anyone to know.

Oh, you're kidding.
I still don't.

Mary, that's so silly. Listen,
you've been here for three years.

Who cares? No one does.
I'll prove it to you. Lou. Rhoda!

You don't care if mary isn't a college
graduate, do you? Why should I care?

See? Because she said on
her application that she was.

Mary.

You were the last human being on
earth I trusted to always tell the truth.

What a relief.

See?

We'll have to talk about this. Yes,
we'll have to talk about this, mary.

I'd like to know what other little stories
you made me swallow over the years.

Are you happy? Oh, mar.

You lied! Our mary lied.

Little miss perfect lied.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Ted! I have some work to do.

I could have done things
like that, you know?

I could have said that I was a college
graduate. Sure. Why pay tuition?

You want to be a college
graduate, just lie and say it like mary.

What else did you
make up little stories

About, mary? If, in
fact, your name is mary.

Mr. Grant, do you
want this rewritten?

Yeah, I want it rewritten.

I want it rewritten
by a college graduate.

I'll bet you didn't
go to college at all.

Yes, I did, ted. I
went for two years.

Oh, sure. Two years. That must have
been when I got my ph.d. At heidelberg.

Ted, you're on. Oh,
I am? How am I doin'?

Mary! Come on, kid. You
can't possibly be upset by this.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think I
am. Mary, you just can't be.

Rhoda, will you please stop saying I can't
be, because I obviously am, so I can be.

Nah, you're not. Well, why
would you be upset by it, huh?

Okay, rhoda, I will
try to explain it to you.

My day was going just great.

Then you walked in here and you told
something that I had asked you not to tell.

And then, when I told you how upsetting
and embarrassing it was getting for me,

You refused to believe it and
refused to believe that I am upset!

- Now you're being ridiculous.
- And I can't believe how
insensitive you're being.

- Hey, I don't like that.
- Oh! Rhoda, I'm sorry.

For the last 20
minutes you've been

Humiliating me, and I
say one little thing...

But that one thing is something that I'm
very sensitive about... My insensitivity.

Okay, let's just not talk
about it anymore, okay?

Good. Let's not talk
about it anymore. Good.

I'm leaving. Good.

The mood you're in, I don't want
to drive home with you anyway.

Terrific!

Murray, would you drive me home?

- Why? You too upset to drive?
- No. Rhoda took my car.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm all right. You can
go, really. I'm just... I'm fine.

Because I can stay
if you're upset.

Yeah, well, I'm upset, you know,

But I'm not so upset
that you can't go.

Okay. Murray, am I wrong?

Mary, you're asking
the wrong person.

You know how I feel about you.

I mean, I still believe you
graduated from college.

Well, it's just so crummy.

Uh, what are you doing?

Oh, it's this...
This thing I have.

If I'm upset, I have to stay
busy, so I organize things.

When I was a kid, if I got mad,

My mother used to put me in
whatever room needed tidying up.

Mary, I have this friend
who goes to a psychiatrist,

And he told him
that when you're mad,

It's healthy to yell at
the person you're mad at.

Or to just plain
yell in general.

He said it's very good for you,
makes you feel good after it's over.

Boy, you know, murray,
there have been times...

When I wanted to let out a
really good scream, you know.

But I always thought I
was too thin, you know.

I mean, I thought
being a thin person,

That... That the scream
would just be very thin.

Yeah, it's hard.

My friend is very
embarrassed about screaming.

To cover, he takes
roller coaster rides.

Yeah, he got in trouble when
he screamed at his job once.

He's a surgeon.

I just hate things
like this happening...

Being on the outs with
somebody I really like.

You know, murr, if I
thought I was wrong,

I would... I would
apologize in a minute.

- Do you think I was wrong?
- No.

- Did mr. Grant?
- Well, he did at first.

Yeah? But later he said he
thought rhoda just went too far.

- So everyone thinks I'm right.
- Everyone but ted. He thinks you're wrong.

Then I guess I'm right.

Oh, murray, it's
lonely being right.

Everybody, uh,

Before I say good morning,
I just wanted to say that...

About that little scene that I
was a part of here yesterday,

Well, um, I'm sorry.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Actually, I'm really
embarrassed about it.

You know, I always
thought that if you just

Said you were embarrassed
about something,

Then you wouldn't be
embarrassed anymore.

I was wrong.

Come on, mary. It was nothing.
It was okay. Really, it was.

Well, I don't know.

I was so shaken, I mispronounced
some words on the news.

I knew there had to
be a good explanation.

Mary, want to come in
my office for a minute?

Mary, I brought you in
here to make you feel better,

But I've got a meeting
in five minutes.

So, look, the reason I
hired you had nothing

To do with what you
said on your application.

I hired you because you
were right for the job.

And because on your
way in for the interview,

You bumped into a desk
and said, "excuse me."

I did?

"Excuse me." To a desk.

I thought, there's
something special about

A person who's nice
to an inanimate object.

Most people, you know,
just couldn't care less.

So I just wanted you to know
that you're kind of special to me.

Oh. Mr. Grant.

Yeah. How you feelin'?

Oh, I feel... Okay.

Huh? Well, I've got
two more minutes.

- You know, you dress great.
- Oh, thank you.

And, um, everybody at
the station likes you.

I... I heard it
four times today.

"I like mary." "I like mary."
"I like mary." "I like mary."

Yeah. Thank you, mr. Grant.

Uh, mary, if you're not feeling
better yet, i-i guess I can be late.

Oh, no. Mr. Grant,
i... I feel better.

Oh, not a moment
too soon. Thank you.

Yeah. Say, now that you
and rhoda are on the outs,

What do you say we have dinner
together sometime this week?

Nothing fancy... A steak,
baked potato, good red wine.

That kind of thing. That
sounds really nice. I'd like that.

Okay. I'll be over at
your place friday night.

Oh, hi, georgette.

Hi, mary. Come on in.

I hope I didn't interrupt you because
I know how you value your privacy.

Everybody values
their privacy except me.

Oh, no. No, really. I'm glad to have
the company, especially tonight.

I can't stay. That's what
I came over to tell you.

Rhoda invited me
for dinner tonight,

And I just couldn't walk past your door
as though I didn't know who lived here.

Oh, no. Well, listen, you can stay
a few minutes anyway, can't you?

No.

I'm late now. I hope you
don't mind my going up there.

Oh, georgette, please
don't worry about that.

But, mary, I do
worry about that.

I'm worried sick
over you and rhoda.

I've been having these
ridiculous thoughts...

About how I can get you
two to be friends again.

We'll be friends
again. Don't worry.

But it's been a while, and
you're still not back together.

I was thinking of
drastic things to do like

Pretending to sprain
my ankle on the stairs...

So you'd both come running out
to see why I was screaming in pain.

But I'm not that good
at fooling people.

And frankly, even though
I like you both so much,

It's not worth really
spraining an ankle, is it?

No.

But is there
anything I could do?

No, really. Not a thing.

You just tell rhoda hello.

You mean it? Yes.

Tell rhoda... Hello.

This could do it, mary!

Rhoda, it's me!

Oh, come on in, georgette.

Rhoda, mary says hello.
When does mary say hello?

Just a minute ago. She
knew I was coming up here.

Oh. Well, tell her
I say hello. Okay!

Well, not now, georgette!

You don't have to tell her now.
You can tell her after dinner.

What's in the box? I got us the
cutest cupcakes you ever saw.

Oh, yeah? With leonard homel's
face in mocha on each one.

Who's leonard homel? I don't
know, but it's his birthday.

He has the stomach
flu, poor little kid.

That's how come we're
having his cupcakes.

They had to put them on
clearance. That's a shame, huh?

And he has such a sweet
face, and he looks so happy.

I guess this was taken
before he had the flu.

That's very thoughtful
of you, georgette. Thanks.

You're welcome.

- Rhoda?
- What?

It's so hard for me to believe...
Rhoda and mary not friends.

- Oh, georgette.
- But you two belong together.

I won't say you're like peas in a
pod because I hate peas, rhoda.

And I won't say you're like sisters
because you're more than sisters.

Come on, georgette.
I'll just say, rhoda...

I'll just say that
you... Rhoda and mary...

Are a lot like pittsburgh.

I'll get these sketches out of your
way so you can sit. What are they for?

Oh, these are for the window display
for easter, you know, down at the store.

I had to prepare two sets
because they still haven't decided...

If they want to go
cute or christian.

So, give your salad a
stir there. The dressing...

Looks great. I hope you like it.

Okay, georgette, how are
mary and I a lot like pittsburgh?

Pittsburgh,
rhoda, is the place...

Where the allegheny river
and the monongahela river meet...

To form the mighty ohio river.

Now, separately, the monongahela
and the allegheny river...

Are two little, skinny rivers.

But when they meet
in pittsburgh, well...

Well, rhoda, all I can say is,

You two love each other,
you need each other.

- Look, georgette, I really...
- People need best friends.

Okay. You be my
best friend, okay?

Oh, I don't think so, rhoda.

I don't think I could handle
a big responsibility like that.

First, I'd have to start
with someone easier,

And then after I got some experience,
then maybe I could be your best friend.

But right now I think I'm a
little green for you, rhoda.

You know, I've never had zucchini
coated with this stuff before.

It's great. What do
you call this stuff?

Flour.

Flour, huh? Oh,
flour's pretty good.

I gotta get me some.

Uh, mary,

We got together tonight
to have a good time.

You know what's missing? Good.

All we're having is a time.

I'm sorry, mr. Grant. It's just that
I'm not very good company tonight.

Hey, I got an idea.
I'll joke you out of it.

Joke me out of it?

I'll tell you a joke, you'll
think it's funny, you'll laugh.

You'll be joked out of
it. Okay. Joke me out of it.

Mary, I can't tell you a joke
if you're gonna sit like that.

A joke's gotta spring up at you.

You can't make a big thing out of it.
You already made too big a thing out of it.

I'm sorry, mr. Grant. It
was a pretty funny joke too.

Well, then go ahead and
tell it. Okay. Here goes.

What would happen if billie
jean king married bobby riggs?

- What?
- Her husband would
be very upset.

Yeah.

See? That was a joke
that we could both enjoy.

It had women's lib in it for
you and sports in it for me.

It was a good joke for us.

- A lot of jokes
aren't like that.
- No.

Boy, I know a lot of jokes
that neither of us would like.

Yeah.

I should have stopped by the bar on
my way here and picked up a better joke.

No, mr. Grant. It
was a good joke.

It's just all night long I've been
thinking about this thing with rhoda,

And tonight I'm just,
uh, about as depressed...

As I've ever been
in my whole life.

You think you're gonna cry?

Yeah, I think I'm
gonna cry. Oh, boy.

And I know how you hate
that sort of thing, so...

Yeah, I hate that sort of thing.

If you'll excuse me, then I'll
just, um... I'll go cry in the kitchen.

Yeah, that'd be a
good idea. Mm-hmm.

Psst.

Mary, could you
lower that thing?

Did you do it?

No. I was going to, and, uh,

I straightened out
a cabinet instead.

Oh, mr. Grant, I know this seems
like a little problem to you.

Mm-mmm. Why do all my big
problems seem like little ones?

What are you talkin' about?

Oh, well, you know,

If anybody else says that
they're gaining weight,

You know, they get great
advice on diets and things.

If I say I'm gaining
weight, people say, "good."

If I have a cold and I
feel really miserable,

The only thing people say is,

"Oh, don't you look cute
with that little red nose."

Cute, mr. Grant.

You know what it's like when people
think you have cute, funny problems?

Having people laugh
and make jokes...

Because you have these
dumb, funny little problems?

Well, I don't know.

Listen, mary. Now, now, listen.

Because people make jokes
doesn't mean that they don't care.

People make jokes because it's a
way of covering up their feelings.

People can make jokes
and really care, mary.

That's a very insightful
thing you just said.

Yeah. Well, I got lucky.

Usually, I'm not so insightful.

Once in a while, I take
a sh*t and I get lucky.

Actually, mary, this whole
conversation is really over my head.

Hey, you know what I
think would be the best

Thing you could do
for yourself right now?

What? Forget your problems.
Think about something else.

Like what? Basketball.
There's a great game tonight.

Might take your mind off things.

And I have a bet on it.

You know, mary, this
isn't such a bad evening.

We had a dinner hour,
the crying hour...

And now a basketball hour.

Aren't we having lots of fun?

Hi.

Hi.

I was, uh, just on my way
down to take down my garbage.

Me too.

So,

That's a great deal of
garbage there, for one person.

Oh, no. I usually have
this much garbage.

Really? I never knew that. Yes.

- Oh, yes. Always.
- Yeah. It's funny, isn't it?

You know a person
for a long time,

And you know absolutely
nothing about their garbage.

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

Uh, georgette
said you said hello.

Oh, yes, I did. I said hello.

- Did you get
my hello back?
- No.

- No?
- Oh, wait a minute.

She did stop by on her way
back and she said, uh, "hello."

Was that you?

Oh.

Well, I guess I better
take my garbage down.

Hey, mary, listen. There's something
you should know about my garbage.

This isn't it. I took it
down two days ago. Oh?

This garbage is counterfeit.

I mean, I have $35 worth
of makeup in here.

And if I throw this away, I
will lose that natural look.

Mary, I was on my way
down to talk to you.

Really? Yes, I was.

It's so stupid hiding
behind fake garbage,

But I figured if I chickened out when
I was on my way to apologize to you,

That I would just, you know...

Oh, rhoda, you
don't have to explain.

I know, I know. And I'm really
sorry. Oh, I'm just so glad.

Oh, really. My little friend.

Gee, mary, I went
crazy this week.

I know. Me too. Really.

All week long I kept thinking,
"something's wrong. I gotta talk to rhoda."

And then I would remember that
it was you. Mary, look, let's never...

Never, never, never, ever, no.

It is no snap being without
my best friend, I gotta tell you.

I went up to total strangers and said, "do
you think you'd like me better in a shag?"

And do you know that I have
been getting close to ted?

Gee, I know we've made
up because, uh, I'm hungry.

That lump in my
stomach has become air.

Do you want to go out and get
something to eat? Yes, I would love it.

Oh, great, great. Well.

Well, five days to
catch up. So what's new?

Oh, well, this week I met
a united states senator.

We fell in love. We got married.

Thursday I had two children.
Named them both mary.

Listen, I hate to say
this, but I am still hungry.

I got some cottage
cheese in the fridge.

Mary, please, nobody makes
up with cottage cheese.

- Didn't you ever watch
father knows best?
- Yeah.

Well, on father knows best,
when everybody would make up,

Mrs. Knows best would
bring out milk and cookies.

Right.

Do you have any
milk and cookies? No.

Ted! Hi. Okay, I'm glad I
found you two together.

Mary, sit down on the
sofa. Rhoda, sit down.

Sit down right over there. Ted!

I'm gonna say this once
and I'm gonna say it fast,

So you'd better listen hard.

Now, georgette is
worried sick about you two.

Today we were having dinner in our
favorite out-of-the-way restaurant,

And she was so upset about
you two she dropped her tray.

Now, I'm here to see to it
that you two stop fighting...

And get along with the
business of being buddies again.

Okay, mary, tell
rhoda you're sorry.

- Ted...
- Tell rhoda you're sorry!

- I'm sorry.
- Rhoda, tell mary
you're sorry.

I'm sorry, mary. I am so sorry.
You don't know how sorry I am.

Okay, that's enough
sorry. Now, shake hands.

Oh, ted. Shake hands, you two!

I feel a little like
kissinger here.

- Okay, we made up. Are you happy now?
- Okay. Okay, that's good.

Now that everything's okay, maybe
georgette will start worrying about me now.

Oh, but remember, if I hear
that you two are fighting again,

I'm gonna come right back down
here and straighten you two out.

Well, with a thr*at like that,

I'd say you and I could
be friends for a long time.