04x20 - Better Late... That's a Pun... Than Never

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make it
all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
no need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Knocking] hello. Hi.

I am here to rescue you from
whatever it is you're doing,

Because tonight
is the last night...

Of the paul newman,
robert redford movie. Ohh.

Both of them, mary,
together in the same

Picture... Two fantasies
for the price of one.

No! Don't tempt me,
rhoda. I can't. Come on.

Mary, please. You're
not hearing me now.

Newman, redford, you, me.
You can have first choice.

I'll take leftovers. [Chuckles]

Rhoda, I'd love to, but I can't. I got
to bring our obituary file up to date.

- Obituary file?
- Yeah. You know, the ones
that we do in advance,

So if somebody suddenly dies then
ted doesn't just have to hum "taps."

And I will never get it
finished by tomorrow morning.

- Okay, okay, okay. You got me.
- What do you mean?

Oh, mary, please. You think I
don't recognize that old routine?

Sure, that's the famous "get the other
person to help you write obituaries" ruse.

[Chuckles] it works every time.

So, what letter are
we up to here? "A."

[Sighs] I am exhausted.

Mary, where are
those terrific cookies?

You know, the ones with all the
big blobs of that really great stuff?

- Oh, we finished those at 1:00.
- Then how about those... Other,

Not so terrific cookies with the one
little blob of the not so good stuff?

Oh, yeah. We finished
those at, uh, 2:00.

Well, have we got any of those
little dry, nothing, no-taste crackers?

The ones that people buy because
they figure, well, they're norwegian?

[Laughing] do we?

We finished those at 3:00.

Well, well. That must
mean it is now exactly...

[Chuckling] a quarter
to melba toast.

[Both laughing]

This is only funny because
it's 4:00 in the morning,

I guess so. And we are punchy.

Mary, look. Let's get organized.
We have got to finish. [Giggling] I know.

Now, be-be serious now.

All right, okay. All right.
Organize. Yes, indeed.

Serious. Mmm. [Giggling]

Mary, I'm surprised at you. You
have got to get this finished.

Okay. I mean, that wasn't funny.

- But this is.
- [Giggling]

- [Laughing] now, listen. Who is next?
- "W." We're up to the w's.

Okay. "Welch, raquel."
Raquel wel... Raquel welch!

Mm-hmm. Oh, this
is gonna be easy.

Yeah? Raquel
welch's obituary, sure.

Okay. One thing we're positive.

We know she didn't
drown. [Sputtering laugh]

[Laughing] oh, rhoda,
that's terrible.

- Thank you.
- "Didn't drown."

- Are you typing that?
- Yeah! Why not?

[Typing]

Okay, "the end." Exit
raquel welch. Okay.

Onward! Yeah, the
next one... "W"... Oh, here.

[Giggling] wee willie williams.

- Aww!
- Who's wee willie williams?

Wee willie williams is the oldest
living citizen of minneapolis.

He's 110 and a half.

Okay, 110 and a
half... I got one. Okay.

Uh. "For a long time, wee
willie williams... [Typing]

- "Was the oldest living citizen
of minneapolis.
- Uh-huh.

"There were other citizens of
minneapolis who were older, yeah?

- However,
they happen to be dead."
- [Laughing]

Okay, okay. "When last
interviewed, [giggling]

"Wee willie replied that he had
no immediate plans for the future.

"But hoped to include traveling,

[Giggling] gardening
and breathing."

And they say you are
the dignified one. [Laughing]

Oh, the commercial's almost
over. What's his name is on.

Ted baxter with a final item
after this further message.

Anything happen
while I was out? No.

Oh, except I had to
add an obituary. Oh?

Yeah. That old guy d*ed.

What old guy? Y-you
don't... You don't mean...

Wee willie, uh, wh-what... What's
his last name, with a... With a, uh, "w."

Yeah, "williams." That's it.
Ted got it from your desk.

Oh, murray, no!

Murray, is it too late?
I've got to stop him!

And now we come to a
sad part of the news.

Wee willie williams
is dead at 110.

- Mary, what's wrong?
- For a long time
wee willie williams...

Was the oldest living
citizen in minneapolis.

There were other
citizens in minneapolis who

Are older, however
they happen to be dead.

Mary. We were crazy. It
was 4:00 in the morning.

When last interviewed, wee willie
had no immediate plans for the future,

But hoped to include traveling,
gardening and breathing.

I had no idea. I only
brought it in to show you.

I didn't know ted
was going to get it!

Wee willie had two main
hobbies, which were whittling...

And going down to the bus
station and not doing anything.

He also enjoyed playing his favorite little
game, which he called ignoring people.

How it was played was, no matter
what anyone would say to him,

He would turn his head
away and stare off into space.

But look at it this way. Now
he can play it even better,

Because he doesn't have
to worry about blinking.

This is ted baxter here saying
good night and good news.

Mary, that wasn't yours,
was it? Tell me it wasn't yours.

Well, actually,
mr. Grant, uh, yes.

That was yours. I
see. It was yours.

Oh, you'd better be here first
thing in the morning. Mr. Grant...

First thing in the
morning, mary.

[Door slams] I don't believe
it. I just don't believe it.

Mar, I don't think you should
kid around with a guy's obituary.

I mean, what's wee
willie's mom gonna say?

Murray, I've never seen mr. Grant
the way he was last night.

I mean, I've seen him yell and
i... I've seen him be sarcastic.

I've never seen him be
so mad he couldn't talk.

Do you think everything's
gonna be all right?

Sure. I'd bet...
Ted's life on it.

Can I see you a
minute, mary? Yes, sir.

Mr. Grant, uh, wh-what
I wanted to say, um...

Well, it isn't
exactly an excuse...

- Mary, there's no excuse
for what happened.
- You're right. You're right.

Of course, there is no excuse, but
there is, uh, well, a sort of explanation.

- Mary, there's no explanation.
- That's true. I know. I know.

But it... But, well, there's
a kind of, uh, half reason.

Mary, there's no reason
for what happened.

Now, maybe... Maybe
you'll understand...

What I'm about to do if I
tell you a little story.

Yes, mr. Grant. Yes.

It's about this newsman. It's a
story that every newsman has heard.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, when I was on the paper...

Mmm.

When I was on the
paper in detroit,

There was this
rewrite man... Uh-huh.

Quiet guy, uh, played
chess at lunch.

- You know, that kind of guy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what he'd do was, on the
basketball game scores, uh-huh.

Where they'd put the name of
the referee, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- In, uh... In tiny type that
nobody would ever read, - no.

Well, he'd put in a
dirty word in latin.

[Laughs]

Well, you know, what
harm would it do?

So a few doctors
would have a good laugh.

Yeah, they would.

Well, mary, he was 64 years old,

He had five months
to go till his pension,

And they found out
and they fired him.

Don't you see,
mary? They had to.

It was just a little joke to
him, but they had to fire him.

Because you can take any
liberty you want in any other area,

You can kid around all you want,

But the news is sacred.

Now, if it was anybody else, I wouldn't
have this problem as to what to do.

But it's you. Well, mr. Grant, I
don't want any special treatment.

This is the kind of thing
they fire people for.

Mr. Grant, I'd appreciate
any special treatment...

That you would care to give.

I mean...

[Chuckles]

Mr. Grant?

Hey, mr. Grant.
[Sucks teeth] i, uh...

I'm really sorry, mary.

You have to be punished.

I've decided to put
you on suspension.

Uh, suspension?

Two weeks without
pay, effective now.

Oh, I see.

I'm... I'm really sorry.

[Doorknob rattles] [knocking]

Lou, do you know how long
I've been waiting outside...

To talk to you
about my new blazer?

Look at this.

[Coins clattering]

All right. Everybody freeze.
I can't talk to you now, ted.

Ted, I can't talk to you now.

Oh, mary you have
time for. Sure. Sure.

Anytime mary says
something, it's a big deal.

Well, what is it? What is
it? Mary find a new beau?

Mary buy a new little outfit?

Well, I need a new blazer.

Just passing by.

Well, mr. Grant, I
guess thank you, um,

For not f*ring me.

That's fine.

Well, thanks.

He, uh, suspended
me. Suspended you?

Well, that's ridiculous. I mean,
how can he treat you that way?

I mean, it's humiliating.

Mary, he's treating you like you're
some kid who misbehaved in school.

Boy, does that tick me off. I'm
gonna go in there and talk to him.

No. Uh, I'll do it.

Yeah?

May I speak to you, mr. Grant?

You can't, mary.
You're on suspension.

Well, I was just, um,
talking to murray,

And, um, I can't allow
myself to be treated like a...

Like a kid who got caught
throwing spitballs in school.

Either you fire me
or you keep me on,

But I just cannot take
any kind of suspension.

And if you do that,
mr. Grant, then, um,

I'm not coming back.

Mary, I thought about it overnight.
Why don't you think about it?

Well, no. I don't have to think about it
overnight. I'm not, uh, changing my mind.

Well, I'm not changing my mind.

- Well...
- W-well...

Well, I guess, um, that's that.

If that's your choice, mary.

That's my choice.

[Sighs] okay then.

[Voice breaks] okay then.

Well, did you tell him?

Yeah, I told him, and, um,

It turns out I'm
not coming back.

You shouldn't have told him.

No, murray, I'm...
I'm glad I told him.

Oh, mary. I did this. I got
mad, and you got fired.

No, look, um, murr, i...

I don't want to talk about it
now. I'll call you later, okay?

Mary, I don't believe this
is happening. Yeah, I know.

Uh, neither do i.
Hey, what's going on?

- Murray.
- Mary.

What is it? Why are people
saying each others names?

Well, good-bye, murray.
[Clears throat] bye, ted.

Why is mary saying good-bye? Why is she
crying? Why is she walking toward the door?

Why is she opening the door?

Why is she turning around and
looking like a lost deer in the forest?

Why is she crying
again, although I asked

The question before and
nobody answered why?

Murray, can I ask
you a question?

If I get a new blazer,
should I change the color?

Why are you so upset?

Why'd you break the pencil?
Why am I hanging around here?

So, then he said that of all the
women that he had interviewed,

That I was ideal for the job.

Said I was wonderful and
had a terrific personality.

I'd take that as a
compliment, mary.

Well, he did give
me one compliment.

He said that he thought I was
too attractive to have around.

He said he thought we'd be
too tempted. Can you imagine?

This drab, colorless
married man...

And he decides that we
would be too tempted?

He shouldn't have
said that. Drab,

Colorless men don't
have an easy time of it,

But they've got to learn
consideration the same as other people.

You know, I just can't
believe that this is happening.

That I'm actually looking for a
job, and I'm not at the newsroom.

- Yeah. Sure.
- Or sometimes
I think to myself why...

Why don't I just go back when
the suspension is up on monday?

And then I say, "no, I
can't. Not after all that."

Uh, georgette, do you want
some more bread for the fondue?

No, thanks, mary.
I've lost enough.

Listen, mar.

You know, I felt so
bad about starting that

Whole raquel welch
thing in the first place.

- Oh, come on.
- So what I did was,
I went to see lou.

Oh, rhoda, no! You di...

Rhoda, that was exactly
the wrong thing to do!

What did he say?

Well... Wait. No, wait. Let
me... Let me get the coffee on.

I don't want to be
distracted. Uh, shall we

Have it, uh, in the
living area over here?

Listen, uh, does anyone want
cream or sugar? Uh, no, thanks.

Good. No, thanks.

Okay. Tell me everything.

Don't leave anything
out. He wouldn't see me.

In that case, mary, I'd
like cream and sugar.

Well, I'll probably find out what
mr. Grant's thinking tomorrow.

I'm gonna have lunch
with murray. He'll fill me in.

Oh, mary, I feel so bad.

I wish you were in love.

Well, I don't think being in love
would change anything, georgette.

But just think,
at a time like this,

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be
able to turn to somebody you love,

Truly love, and be able to say,

"Oh, darling, I'm so
miserable I could k*ll myself."

Well, thanks for the
thought, georgette.

[Typing]

Murray, hey! Hey, mar!

Hi.

Oh, boy, you look great.
Yeah? Well, you do too.

Hey, um, murray, is there any chance
that I'm gonna be standing here...

And mr. Grant is gonna come
walking out of his office?

No. No chance. He's in a
big meeting. Oh, good. Good.

[Chuckles] boy, you
look just wonderful.

- Oh, and the place
looks just great too.
- Yeah.

Aw, murr.

I just know everything's gonna
work out all right. I just know it.

There's no doubt about
it, mar. Oh, excuse me.

You're sitting in my chair.

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm... I'm sorry.

[Ringing] um.

Newsroom.

Yes, I'll have mr. Grant
take care of it right away.

Uh, mary, this is erica jordan.

Erica, mary richards. Oh.

Hi. How are you? Hi.

Hello, mary. Hi.

I know how uncomfortable
you both are.

Erica here knows
how much we love mary.

On the one hand, mary's
a friend, but on the other,

Erica's new and
needs my guidance.

What'll I do?
How will I play it?

Well, uh, excuse me.

Mary, it's been very
nice meeting you.

Very nice to meet you
too. Very, very nice.

Oh, mary. [Clears throat]

Just so there's no misunderstanding,
I'd like to explain something.

This thing with you
and lou... Well, I'm...

I'm really sick about it. I mean,
I really feel rotten for you.

I feel bad for you. Just want
you to know I'm on your side.

I'm in your corner.
Thank you, ted. Thanks.

But you know how lou is when
he gets in one of his moods.

There's no percentage
in everybody suffering,

Everybody getting
his head chopped off.

You know what I mean?
So, uh... [Clears throat]

What I'm doing is
acting like I'm behind lou,

But you and I know that
I'm really behind you.

Got it? Got it.

Mary. Murray didn't tell
me you were coming in.

Oh, well, no. I was just, you know,
gonna just slip in and slip out.

No big deal.
[Chuckles] well, hi.

Hi. Oh, lou, look who
come crawling back.

Oh, say, lou. Uh, you want
to have lunch with us?

It might solve a lot if
you have lunch with us.

- Oh, no, thanks. I had lunch.
- Well, it's not eating
I'm talking about.

Lou, you don't have to eat anything.
Uh, why don't you take a walk with us?

Oh, uh... Eh...

I can't, murray.
Uh-uh, thanks, anyway.

- Nice to see you, mary.
- Oh. Nice.

Well, what did... What'd...
What'd you think? How did it seem?

Did it seem like he was
softening at all? You know... [Sighs]

[Kicks floor] I know how it
seemed, like nothing has changed.

Well, look, I know you got work
to do, so I'll let you get to it.

Yeah. I'll see you.

Okay. Uh, we were
supposed to eat together.

We didn't do that. Oh, yeah.

Uh, we should eat. Well, listen. You
wanna eat across the street or downstairs?

Wherever they have a drink.

Oh, murray. That was a
terrific lunch. Really good.

Oh, you wanted your
address book. Oh, right.

Hey, mar, you're gonna be okay.

Yeah. I'm okay already. And...

Well, I'll tell you something,
murray. It's a relief, you know?

It's like when you
realize something is over...

You know, really over...
Then you can relax with it.

And now I know that I'm not
coming back, and my life can go on.

I'm glad you're taking it this
way, mar. Yeah, really, I'm fine.

Listen, give my love
to marie, will you? Yeah.

And I'll call you
really soon. Okay.

Okay. Bye, bye. Bye, mar.

I wanna come back!

I wanna come back. Murray!
I don't like it out there!

I like it here, and I
wanna come back!

I wanna come back, mr. Grant!
Oh, why can't I come back?

Please, let me come
back! Come in. Come in.

I'll get you a glass
of water. [Sobbing]

You want a nice glass of
water? No, I want to come back.

Oh. Well, we'll just
take care of it all.

- What'd you do to her?
- Huh?

Sit. Sit.

Oh, mr. Grant, I'm so sorry.
I'm just really sorry. I...

I don't know what
came over me. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles] oh, no,
don't apologize.

I've never done anything
like that before in my life.

I'm usually, you know,
so in control of myself.

And then, boy,
suddenly. [Laughs] [chuckles]

I've just never done
anything... Like that in my life.

Well, really,
it's... It's all right.

[Sniffles] thank you.
Yeah. Well, it's okay.

So, you want to come back.

Yes, I wanna come back!

I wanna come back!

Uh. Uh.

Mary, you wanna
tell me about it?

[Sobbing] mr. Grant,
it's just so...

Lousy out there
without my friends.

It's just... It's so...

- Cold.
- Cold. Boy, that's the word.

Well, I know. I know. It-it
hasn't, uh, uh, been exactly...

A warm spell around here either.

Everybody mad at me
for what I did to you,

Uh, going around
giving me dirty looks,

Glaring at me over
their coffee cups.

And somebody came in
here during the night...

And broke all my pencil points.

I don't know why
they're all so mad at me.

What did I do? I mean,

I missed you as much
as anybody... More.

And I've missed you so much.

And I wanna come back,
but now I see it's too late,

'Cause there's some other
person sitting in my chair.

Oh, is there some other
person sitting in your chair?

Erica?

Yes, sir? Uh, would you take
something to personnel for me?

Oh.

Right away, mr. Grant.

Thanks.

[Clears throat]

Personnel. Lou grant.

A girl's going to be walking
in carrying a red cup.

I want you to find
her another job here.

Well, that's not my problem.

[Chuckles]

[Both chuckling]

Hi. Rhoda. Greetings, hello,

And I can't talk to
you for even a second.

I've got to finish the
last of these obituaries.

- Oh, listen,
I'll give you a hand.
- Uh, no, no. That's okay.

I'll just barrel right
through and get 'em finished.

Oh, mary, I wouldn't
kid around this time.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Not after what
you've been through, kid. Please.

Really, i-i-i really, really
would be serious about it.

Sure. Let's do robert redford.

Rhoda. "When robert
redford departed,

"Those closest to him
claimed to have heard him say...

"One word... One last
word... Over and over.

"And this one word
was, 'rhoda, rhoda,

"Rhoda.' Oh, boy.

"There is no clue as to what this
strange word meant to redford,

But many believe it was
probably the name of his sled."

Go! Okay. [Laughing]

[Mews]