06x19 - Talk to Your Daughter

[bunniefuu]

The game
started already?

No, they're
waiting for you.

- Hi guys.
- Hi Deb.

Hey, blubberhead.

Hi, honey.

Don't fill up
on too much junk food

'cause I'm
cooking us dinner.

You call her blubberhead
and get a kiss?

Yeah.

I could call her
anything, really,

As long as I give it
that spin to it.

"Hey, blubberhead."

Wait a minute. You couldn't
just call her anything.

Yeah, yeah.
No, I could.

She just hears
the cute tone.

She doesn't really
hear the word.

How about "fat legs"?

What?

You couldn't call her
"fat legs."

Yeah, I could,
as long as I cutesy it up.

- No way.
- Yeah, no way.

I think we drank the last
of the chocolate milk,

fat legs.

I'll pick up
some more tomorrow.

Wow!

It's unbelievable!

Let's try
another one.

Let's see how far
you can push it.

What have you got?
It's foolproof.

Hey, come on, Ray.
She's gonna get mad.

Smelly.
How about smelly?

No, no.
It's too easy.

Trampy.

Try trampy.

Guys, come on.

I got it, I got it--
"smelly tramp."

Ray, did you
pick up the mail?

Yeah, it's over there.

Nothing but bills today,
smelly tramp.

I know. We always
get so much--

Robert made me do it.

I wasn't trying
to humiliate you.

Oh, so I should
be flattered

that my husband calls me
a "smelly tramp"?

First of all,
I didn't call you that.

I called you
"thmelly tramp"!

Come on.
I'm sorry, all right?

It's just that you're
so immature all the time.

That's not true,
all right? It isn't.

Oh, no?

Who made Geoffrey
cry at Christmas

because Daddy had
to try the toy airplane

before anybody else?

Hey, it took two hours

to put the
damn thing together.

I can't get one throw?

And who does the "hysterical"
nursery rhymes

for the kids?

"Little Jack Horner
sat in the corner,

something, something,
poop and pee."

You gotta give the people
what they want.

How about setting
an example for them?

I'm a great
example, okay?

Yeah, I kid around,

but when it's crunch time,
I'm right there.

Oh, yeah,
like the other day

when Ally was asking you
how babies get here,

and you suddenly
had a sneeze att*ck

and ran out of the room?

So I should just sneeze
on my daughter?

Whatever.
Good night.

What, you want me to have
the sex talk with her?

Yeah, right.

What, you don't
think I can do it?

I'll have
the sex talk with her.

You know what, Ray?
You can be there,

and I'll explain it
to the both of you.

You know what?
I'm gonna do it.

Ray, this is not
something

to be competitive about,
so stop it.

No, no, you stop it.

You say that I'm
an immature parent,

and now I want to do
something for my child

that's important
and responsible,

and you won't let me?

- Here.
- What? What's this?

It's a book I was
reading about this.

Really? A book?

Uh, yeah.
You have to prepare.

You can't just go in there
and do a puppet show.

All right.

Yeah. Yeah, this all
looks familiar...

although it's
been a while.

Hey, how do you
pronounce that again?

Fallopian.

Not "fall-ah-pian"?

Right right.
Fallopian, yeah.

Ally?

Hi, Daddy.

Hi.
What you doing?

Just playing
with my dolls.

Oh. Good. Good.

Listen, um,

the other day
you asked questions

about babies and stuff.

When you started sneezing?

Yeah.

Yes, yeah.
Um, anyway,

I was wondering if you wanted
to talk about that now.

Okay.

Good, good.

Let me try to explain
a few things.

All right.

Okay.

Here's what happens.

When a man and a woman
love each other very much,

they get married,

and then sometimes
they decide to make a baby.

- Why are there babies?
- Right, right.

Okay, I'm gonna
get to that.

Okay.

What a man
and a woman do is--

No, I know that the man
and the woman have to do something,

but... why are we born?

Why has God put us here?

Because...

that's--

What?

If we all go to Heaven
when we die,

then why does God
want us here first?

Why does God
want us here?

Yeah, why?

Why are we here,
Daddy?

Yeah, I heard you,
I heard you.

You don't want
to talk about sex?

No.

You ever hear
the word "fallopian"?

Okay. All right.

Okay, you really
want to know

why God wants
us here first.

That's a good question.

You see,
God is up in Heaven,

and, well, honey...

it's very crowded
up there.

It is?

Yeah. Yeah.

And you don't want
to be in Heaven

if it's crowded, right?

Remember when we
went to Disney World,

How crowded that was?

I mean, it was fun,
but it was too crowded.

So God, he sends us
down to Earth

for a little while

to... ease

the Heavenly congestion.

What?

Here we go again!
Ah-choo!

I don't want to--
ah-choo!

I don't want you
to catch this.

Ah-choo!

I'll be back in a minute.
Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

What are you doing?
You were only up there--

I got blindsided!

What?
What do you mean?

Ally didn't want
to talk about sex.

She started asking
questions about life--

why did God put us here,
crazy stuff like that.

Wow!
So what did you say?

I told her we're here
because Heaven is crowded.

You said
Heaven is crowded?

I got ambushed!

You gotta get
back up there!

No, you go up there!

You're the one that wants
to prove he's mature.

Why can't you have
this discussion?

Because I studied
for the sex one!

I wasn't ready for this!

I don't just have a switch
that can make me smart.

No kidding.
Come on,

You couldn't come up
with anything?

Just tell her
we're put on Earth to--

you know, because--

Well, looky here!

Yeah!
Little Miss Smarty-Pants!

Maybe it is
"fall-ah-pian."

- Hey.
- Game's on satellite.

And I made cannolis.

Actually, we're kind of
in the middle of something,

right, Ray?

- What, you only made four?
- Ray!

It's just that
there's five of us.

I made six, but your
father got at 'em.

- No, I didn't.
- I guess two had wings,

'cause they just
flew away.

Make another one of those
and climb aboard.

You know what?
This really is not a good time.

- What's wrong?
- You two about to shack it up?

No, we're not
"shacking it up."

Ally started asking
about where babies come from,

and Ray was going to
talk to her about it--

You were gonna talk
to a child about s-e-x?

If she's asking questions,
we have to answer her.

No, you don't.

My boys had
all sorts of questions,

but I had Frank wait until they
were teenagers to talk to them.

Nobody talked to me.

Yeah, what?
Me neither.

Frank, you told me
you'd talk to them.

Why? What did they
need to hear?

No one needs
to tell a bee

where to go
to get the honey.

- Am I right, Ray?
- All right, Dad, all right.

This is terrible.

You know, Robert,
this might explain

why you're still single.

What?

Sexual relations
can be very confusing.

I should have never
left it up to your father.

Do you want to talk?

You know, I would,

but I don't know what
we'd do with all the vomit.

No, no.

Will you please stop?

It turns out Ally doesn't
want to know how we get here,

she wants to know
why we're here,

why God put us on Earth.

She's waiting for Ray
to answer her.

What's wrong with you?
It's simple.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

We're gonna learn
the meaning of life

from a guy who once
threw his shoe at a swan.

That's called
protecting your sandwich.

Listen to me.

Here's what life is--

you're born, you go to school,
you go to work, you die.

That's it. That's all.
Cannoli, Marie.

We're not talking about
what we do while we're here.

Yeah. The big question

is why we're here
in the first place.

I've spent many
a night lying in bed

thinking about
this kind of stuff.

Life's imponderables.

You need to find yourself
a broad, and pronto.

Where are we?

Where are we
in the big scheme of things?

Don't got to be a pretty one.
Just grab something.

Ally's too young to be
worrying about this.

No, I'm proud of her. I love it that
she's such an independent thinker.

If she's so independent,

why can't she
figure this out herself?

Ray, just get up there
and tell her

that God put us on Earth
to help each other.

It's simple, it's direct, it's a good way
for her to live her life.

What are you talking about?
That doesn't answer anything.

Are you telling me
that God said,

"Hmm, Earth, let's see.
What should I put there?"

That's your God?

- Yeah.
- No way!

It's got to be deeper.

And cool.

"Hello, I'm God."

Keep going, Raymond.

I think you're
a wonderful God.

Thank you.

So what did God say?

"I'm going to put
some humans on Earth

so they can
help each other.

Or, I could just
skip humans altogether

and go hit
a bucket of balls."

Oh, I know.
It's all in the Bible.

You ever think
about space?

What is it?

Is it really endless?

If you had a spaceship,
could you go flying and flying forever?

Why don't you give it a sh*t?

No!

I'm not kidding
around here.

How can space go on forever,
and if it doesn't,

then what's
at the end, huh?

Stop it, Robbie,

you'll give yourself
a tummy ache.

What about
the beginning of time?

What was there before that,
before time?

Nothing? I mean,
what is nothing?

How could
there be nothing?

This doesn't bother
anybody else?!

Okay, everybody listen
to me. Sit down.

Listen.

"ln the beginning,

God created the Heaven
and the Earth."

Okay okay okay...

"Let there be light."

Okay okay okay okay...

okay, okay, okay, okay.

It might take me
a minute more.

A minute more?

Religious scholars spend their lives
trying to answer this question.

You're not going to flip through
the Bible and find the meaning of life.

O, ye of little faith.

That's in here
somewhere, too.

If you want to know
what's in the Bible,

why don't you talk
to Father Hubley?

Hey, that's right.

It's his job
to know these things.

Are you gonna call him?

Yeah.
What are we putting

the money
in that basket for?

Oh.

Ah, it's his machine.

Hey, Father Hubley.
Hi, it's Raymond Barone.

Ask him about space.
What's at the end? What's out there?

- Will you stop it?
- What's out there?!

Anyway,

Me and the family,
we're sitting around,

and we had
a quick question for you.

What is
the meaning of life?

If you could get back to us
as soon as possible,

we'd appreciate it,
all right?

We're kind of waiting.

Okay.
Thank you.

Goodbye.

God bless you.

And us.
Andthe meek.

Oh, here we go.

Here it is. Here it is.

"Where there are no oxen,
the crib remains empty,

but large crops come

through the strength
of the bull."

That's got nothing
to do with this.

No?

No!

Okay.

Do you know the fruit fly
only lives one day?

Huh? What?
Are you okay there?

One day.

What's his
meaning of life, huh?

Maybe there's no meaning
of life for any one of us.

I mean, really,

am I any different
than the fruit fly?

The fruit part's
the same.

Robert, the fruit fly
doesn't question why he's here.

That's what
makes us different.

Maybe that's kind of
the meaning of life--

never knowing the answer,
but always wondering.

So God made us
smart enough

to know there's an answer,

but not smart enough
to figure it out?

Come on!

What am I going to tell Ally?
She's waiting now.

Tell her to come down here.
I'll set her straight.

- No more nonsense.
- It's not nonsense, Frank!

Haven't you ever heard that
the unexamined life is not worth living?

Hey, you know what?

That's your problem, Frank.

You're so closed-minded.

No, the problem is,
you're so open-mouthed.

No, she's right, Frank.

Maybe if you'd
be more open-minded

and think
about these things,

Iife might be better
for all of us.

You've got answers for
everybody except your daughter.

- What?
- You heard him.

It's me and him
against all three of you!

No, it's not, Dad.

I'm just saying

we should be focusing
on what to tell Ally.

Oh, "we."

Yeah, "we," because "we"
solve all the problems

around this house, right?

Let's face it, Ray--
when you say "we,"

you mean me,
the "smelly tramp."

What?!

Smelly tramp.

That's the nickname
your son came up with for me.

I didn't say that
and you know it.

It's "thmelly tramp"!

Oh, well, that's cute.

Hey, Marie, while you're
holding that Bible,

I've got a question
for you.

Did you eat
the two missing cannolis?

I'm not gonna let you
use the Bible like that.

Answer me,
yes or no?

This is ridiculous!

No, I didn't eat
those two cannolis.

Did you see
what she did?

Pick it up

and tell us what happened
to those cannolis!

Oh, shut up!

Thou shalt not
eat the cannoli!

Never mind
the cannolis, Ma.

Take this Bible and tell me
you don't spend more money

on Raymond's
Christmas gifts than mine!

That's ridiculous!

Fifth grade--
bike, slippers. Tell the truth!

Those slippers
were very expensive.

Take the book!

All right!

Thank you for
all the enlightenment!

What are you
gonna tell Ally?

I don't know, but the answer
can't be down here.

Well, neither can l.

I don't know what
I'm gonna say exactly,

but help me, all right?

Don't just stand there
and make your faces.

Can we just do this?
She's waiting.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Leave that face
in the hall.

Ally.

- Hey, she's not in here.
- What?

Ally.

Ally.

What?

We wanted to talk to you
about your question, okay?

What question?

Ally, honey, come on.

Hey, guys!

Hey, what are you doing?

It's really something,

seeing the kids
like that, huh?

Yep.

I think we learned a lot
from them today,

baloney bosoms.

Ray.

What?

There's something to be said
for childlike innocence.

Yeah, okay, okay.

But I can see that
you need some help.

Now, more than ever,

you need a visit from Dopey.

Oh, God.

No, come on.
No, don't, Ray.

I've been doing the reading.
I know what to do now.