06x21 - Call Me Mom

Episode transcripts for TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Aired: September 13, 1996 – May 16, 2005.*
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
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06x21 - Call Me Mom

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey.
- Hey.

Help my mom
with the bags, huh?

- [sighs]
hello, raymond.

- Oh, hey, hey, let me get that
for you there, mom.

- Oh, raymond.

I have to say,

I just love
hearing you calling me that.

- [laughs quietly]

- Yes, ray, I heard.
Very sweet.

I'm just gonna go
check on the kids.

- Look, ray.

I bought the doughnut holes
you like.

Don't show debra.

- Ah, chocolate.
- Mm.

- Thanks, mom.

- Hello, marie.
- Hi! Hey!

Hi!
Whoa!

Didn't hear you.

Gonna tie a bell
around your neck.

- Hello, lois.

I didn't mean
to interrupt anything.

- No, no, no.

Raymond's just helping me
with the groceries.

He is such a nice boy.

- Yes, indeed.

You know, lois, you're here
for such a short time.

Let me unpack those groceries.

You go enjoy your grandchildren.

- Are you sure, marie?
- Of course.

Raymond will stay
and help me.

- Oh, okay.
Great.

Thank you.

- So you and lois
are getting along?

- Well, yes.
She's all right, I guess.

- You two seem
to be very familiar.

- Oh, you mean the "mom" thing?

Yeah, remember,
I called her that

At thanksgiving the one time?

I don't know.

I guess she likes it, so...

[chuckles]
throw her a bone.

- I think it's wonderful
that you're still doing it.

- Yeah?

- Of course.

I'm very happy for you.

You have two moms now:

This new one
and the one god gave you.

- Got to get that bell.

- Well, the children are down,

And I think that's gonna do it
for me for tonight too.

- Oh, thanks, mom.
Good night.

- Good night, dear.

Good night, raymond.

- Good night to you.

[singing]
and you and you and you

"sound of music."
I love that movie.

- What was that?

- Hmm, what?

- Well, why didn't you
call her "mom"?

- I don't know.
Why does anybody do anything?

- I mean,
you were doing it,

And now you're not
doing it anymore?

- Well, I was wondering,
do I have to constantly say it?

You know, I don't call you
the same thing every time,

My hot little chuckle monkey.

- Yeah, but you know
she likes "mom."

- Look, I'm just--
I'm mixing it up.

I'm picking my spots.
I'm keeping it fresh.

- I know, honey, but I liked it

That you two were
getting closer.

You know, it was nice.

It felt like a family.

- Them's the breaks.

- Ray, come on.

- What?
Look, it's just--

It makes things
kind of confusing around here.

- Confusing?

You call her "mom."
she calls you "raymond."

- Right, and all of a sudden,

This place is crawling
with moms, right?

You're a mom.

She's a mom.

There's that one over there.

- Wait a minute.

Did your mom tell you
not to call my mom "mom"?

- No, she didn't.

But she caught me
saying it today, and

An icy wind
through this room did blow.

- What do you mean,
she caught you?

Have you been hiding it
from her?

- No, I'm just trying
to make sure

Everyone in this family
is emotionally

Groovy.

- So you're just gonna cave in
to your mother again.

- Please?

- [sighs]
okay, ray, fine.

But I just thought it was
really nice for my mom

And for you too.

Things between you two
seemed to be so healthy.

Your relationship's, like,
really starting to blossom.

But you want to ruin
a good thing?

Fine.
It won't be the first time.

- Oh, come on.

Look, it's not like
you call my mom "mom."

- [scoffs]
yeah.

- No, wait, wait.

What are you scoffing
at that for?

Why don't you
call my mom "mom"?

- What, are you kidding me?

- Oh, yeah.
See, huh?

Yeah, it's easy
to use the glue

When you don't have
to k*ll the horse yourself.

- What?

- No.
No, I'm staying with that.

That makes sense.

- Yeah, ray, I think things
between your mom and me

Are a little bit different.

- Oh, yeah, really?
How so?

- Look, I see her every day.

We're together all the time.

- That's right.

That's all the more reason
why you should call her "mom."

Things could be much more
healthier between you two.

That's right.

Your relationship
could really start to blossom.

Ah, nothing to say today?

For you.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, deb.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.
Eating zeppoles.

- Oh!

Is, uh--is marie around?

I wanted to borrow
her big spoon.

- Oh, is that it?

- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.

- You okay?

- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I thought I'd--
maybe I'd also say hi to marie.

- Why would you want
to do something like that?

- No reason.
Just checking in.

- Let me get her for you.

Marie!

- She will be
with you presently.

- You know what?
Actually, it's not important.

Maybe I'll come back later.
Thanks.

- What is it, frank?
You need to be burped?

- Here you go, deb.

- Thank you, frank.

- What is it, debra?

- Oh, nothing.

So how are you,
ma-rie?

- I'm fine, dear, thank you.
How are you?

- Oh, good.

Just, uh, thought
I'd say hello and check in.

- Oh, how nice.

- Yeah.
So hello.

- Well, hello to you too.

- Scintillating.

- Oh, oh, and I was also
gonna borrow your big spoon

If that's okay.

I wanted to make goulash.

- Oh, you're gonna
try that again?

Well, that's good, honey.

Get right back on that horse.

- Okay.
[chuckles]

Thanks.

So listen--

- Ooh, ooh.
I almost forgot.

I picked up a book for you.

- "'a' is for apron:
A beginner's cookbook."

- I saw that
in the bookstore,

And I thought of you.

Isn't that cute?

- Yeah, that's just, uh,
so typically thoughtful.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna go away now.

- Honey, are you all right?

- Uh, just a little headache.

Comes and goes.

And really coming on now.

- Wait, wait.
Sit down.

Let me get you some aspirin.

I have three
different kinds.

- Sometimes I get
those headaches

When I come over too, deb.

Which kind is it,

Dull, pounding,
or a* to the back of the skull?

- Here you go, dear.

Okay, here.
Here, here.

Oh, I hope you feel better.

- Thanks...

[voice cracks]
mom.

[fork clangs]

- So sorry.
What was that?

- I said...

[clears throat]
"thanks, mom."

- Oh, you don't
have to do that, dear.

- No, I--
I want to.

- That's all right.

- My name's not judy!

What's going on?
What happened?

- She rejected me.

- What are you talking about?

- Your mother.

I went over there,
and I called her "mom,"

And she turned me down.

- Really?

- I told her that
I wanted to call her "mom,"

And she just went,
"that's all right."

- Huh.

- Why did you make me
do that?

- Get out of here!

I didn't--
I didn't make you do it!

I was just trying
to win an argument.

I didn't think that you
would actually try it.

- I cannot believe her!
She's unbelievable!

Your mother
is unbelievable!

- I believe you!

- Hey, deb.

- Oh, good.
You guys were there.

Was that the most
humiliating thing

You have ever seen?

- Brutal, raymond.

- I felt bad for you,
sweetheart.

Had trouble
finishing my lunch.

- What happened?

After she said no,
what'd you do?

- Just sat there
like an idiot.

- Us too.

- Marie just went
about her business

As if nothing had happened.

- I know how you feel, deb.

That's just how she is.

Only certain people are allowed
in the pantheon of affection:

The pope,
frank sinatra,

Placido domingo,

And raymond.

You just got to let it go,
that's all.

You got to let it go!

- Yeah.
Like he did.

- I know what.

Maybe I'll start
calling her "marie."

Bet she wouldn't even notice.

"hello, marie."

"hello, robbie.

"have you seen
placido domingo?

Or raymond?"

- Hey, I'll tell you what.

If it'll make you feel better,
you can call me "dad."

- Thanks.

- How about "big daddy"?

I saw that in a movie once.

- I don't get it, deb.

Why do you want
to call her "mom" anyway?

- I don't know.
I just thought it would be nice.

I mean, ray is calling
my mom "mom."

But the difference is, my mom
is good and sweet and kind.

Your mother,
on the other hand, is--

- Need some help?

- Well, listen.
Look, you tried.

You're off the hook now, right?

You didn't really want
to call her "mom" anyway.

- Well, that's before I knew
she didn't want me to.

It's just--
I don't know.

I mean,
why did she do that to me?

Why doesn't she want me
to call her "mom"?

I know we've had our differences
over the years,

But I thought
we were closer than this.

Maybe she doesn't think
I'm good enough.

- I remember the year
I took opera lessons.

- Come on, deb, huh?
Don't feel sad.

- Thanks for telling me
how to feel, ray.

You know, I've got a headache.

I'm gonna go lie down.

- [sighs]

What should I do?
Should I go up there?

- What would you say to her?

- I don't know.
What do you think?

- That you should
never go up there.

- Should I talk to mom?

- [laughs]

- What are you
gonna say to her?

- Listen to me.

This is about feelings.

You know anything
about feelings?

Of course you don't.

None of us do.

So just sit down,
shut up,

Loosen your pants.

What more can we do?

Tv announcer:
Fastball inside--

- I've got leftovers.

Hello, dear.
I've got the extra zeppoles.

If I leave them at our house,

You father will just eat them
till he explodes.

- Mm, yeah.

So I guess
you talked to debra.

- Oh, yeah.
How's her headache?

- Not good, ma.
- Oh.

- Why did you tell her
she can't call you "mom," huh?

She's very upset.

- She is?

- Of course!


You couldn't see that?

Even robert and dad
could tell that.

Guys, couldn't you--

- Uh, are you telling me

That debra really wants
to call me "mom"?

- Yes.
Yes, she does.

- I think she's just doing that

Because she wants you
to call lois "mom."

- No! No! No! No!

I've said four "no"s.
It deserves even more.

- Well, then,
why, all of a sudden,

After 12 years,
am I suddenly "mom"?

- Well, you know, maybe debra's
the kind of person

That takes a while
to warm up.

That's all, huh?

You know, she just started
calling me "honey,"

Like, two weeks ago.

Look, come--

Just let her
call you "mom," huh?

What's the big deal?

- Because it wasn't
a real request.

It wasn't genuine.

And you know me, raymond.

I'm nothing
if I'm not genuine.

- Yeah, I know.

We all know
what a genuine

Person you are.

All right, look.
You were right, okay?

Debra did go over there
because she likes

When I call her mother "mom,"

And I told her she had
to call you "mom" because,

I don't know,
I just like to bother her.

But, you know,
she did something nice, ma.

And when you turned her down,
you hurt her feelings.

- How could I hurt her feelings
if they're not real?

- Look, I'm not pretending
to understand any of this.

But think about it.

If her feelings got hurt,

Doesn't that mean
they were real?

I read somewhere that's, like,
the test for feelings.

Remember the tin man guy?

"I know I got a heart,
because it's broken."

And then everybody said,
"aw, poor tin man guy."

- Hello.
- Oh, debra.

- I'm just gonna go get a drink,

And then I'll be
out of your way.

- No, debra, wait.
Wait.

Debra, I'm sorry.

I should have
let you call me "mom."

If that's what you want to do,
you should do it,

'cause I want you to.

- That's all right.

- No, no, it's--no.

No, it's not all right.

Raymond told me
you only came over

Because he made you.

- No, that's not what I said.
- Right.

He said he did it
because he likes to bother you.

I had no idea
how much I meant to you

That you could possibly
be hurt by what I said.

Oh.

That's not what I want.

I want you to think
of yourself as my daughter,

Because that's
how I think of you.

- Oh, marie.

- Oh, debra.
Oh.

So you'll call me "mom"?

- I guess I will.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

[chuckles]

Do it.

- Mom.

- Oh, that's so nice!
[both laugh]

- It is nice.

Would you like
some iced tea?

- Would I like
some iced tea...

- Mom?

- Oh!
I would love some.

[laughs]

- Aw.

See?
Now it's blossoming.

- Yeah?

- Wait a minute.

What does this mean
for me, though?

What am I supposed
to call debra's mom?

- What do you think?

- Well, she's not here
that often--

I mean, every other christmas,
thanksgiving,

A birthday here and there.

All right,
you can call her "mom."

- Oh, thanks, mom.

- Oh.
[laughs]

That's such a pleasant change
from the way boys say it.

Don't tell robbie,

But I always wanted him
to be a girl.

- I might
have to tell him that.

[kids yelling]
- hello, everybody.

- Hi,

Mom.

- Hello, raymond.

- So how was the park?

- Oh, it was fun
for the children.

I'm gonna go freshen up.
- Oh, okay.

- I ought to get back
to the house too.

- Okay, bye, mom.

- Bye, dear.
- Bye, dear.

- I think she was
talking to me.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna start
calling marie "mom."

Isn't that nice?

- Oh?

That is nice.

- You know,
like you and raymond.

- Mm-hmm.

- What's wrong?
Is something the matter?

- No, no, no, no, nothing.

It just sounded
a little strange

Hearing you call her "mom,"
because I'm your mom.

- Well.

Well, I'm raymond's mom,

And I don't have
a problem with this.

- I'm sorry.

I can't explain it,

But just hearing
debra saying that,

It just feels wrong.

- Well, pardon me for saying it,

But isn't that
a little hypocritical?

I mean, here I am,
ready to embrace this.

- I know, and pardon me
for saying this,

But maybe in this case,
it really isn't up to you.

I mean,

Well, heaven forbid
you don't get your way for once.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

Well, may I just ask,

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

- I'm just going
by what I see around here.

- Well, at least
I'm always here,

Not like some mothers.

- Well, some mothers might say

That you're here
a little too much.

- Oh, really?

Well, maybe I should be off

Living some
swinging single's life

That's inappropriate
for my age.

- Swinging?

- That's right, party girl.

- Okay, all right, all right,
that's enough.

That's--that's enough.

You know, I think
it might be best

For all concerned

If we just go back
to the way it was, okay?

No more "mom" calling.

- Well, maybe
that's a good idea.

- All right.

It's fine with me, but if
it's too hard for some other--

- Okay!

- Is it okay?
'cause I'm coming out now.

- I think we're fine.

- Okay.

Well, if I'm not supposed
to call you "mom,"

Then what should I call you?

- Well, whatever
you're comfortable with.

- All right, then,

You.

- Everything's fine now.

Here you go, robbie.

- Thanks, marie.

Ow!

Mom.
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