05x15 - An Affair to Forget

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

This is important. Sit
down. You'll like this.

Now, you've been here... What
is it? Five years now? Yes, sir.

And during that
time, you've worked

enormously hard. You've
done a fantastic job.

Oh, well, thank you,
Mr. Grant, but I wouldn't say that.

You wouldn't? Let's forget
the whole thing. Okay. All right.

I would say that.

Mary, there's only one way to tell you
this, and that's to tell you straight out.

I've decided to promote you to
producer of the WJM Six O'Clock News.

Oh, Mr. Grant!

Oh, well, that's...

[Stammering] I mean, I...

I just don't know what to say!

Really? I thought
you put it very well.

But I mean, it's
just so incredible,

because, you know, of course, I always
dreamed that one day I would be a producer.

But that you would actually, at this point,
you know, make me your coproducer is...

No, no, no. Not coproducer.
I'm making you the producer.

- Well, what about you?
- I'm making myself
executive producer.

Ah! That's great! Mm-hmm.

But what made you suddenly
decide to make me the producer?

Well, I just thought a
promotion was long overdue.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Grant.
- Not yours, mine.

So then you'll be the
executive producer,

and I'll be the producer!

- What will we do about offices?
- What do you mean?

- Where will my office be?
- What do you need
an office for?

Well, I just assumed that as producer,
I'd have a lot more responsibilities.

- You know,
a lot more things to do.
- No, no, no, no.

Whatever you used to do as associate
producer you'll do now as producer.

Oh. I see. I see.

Naturally, there will be
certain financial benefits.

Oh?

Starting next month, you're
gonna get a raise of $1,000 a year.

Oh, that's great!

Uh, Mr. Grant, that's, uh,

$20 a week, isn't it?

I thought I was gonna get a
raise of $20 a week anyway.

Well, now you're
gonna get it for sure.

- Well, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Mr. Grant, let me just see
if I'm getting this straight.

I'm gonna be the producer, but I'm
gonna have the same responsibilities,

the same job, uh,
the same no office,

and I'll be doing the very
same things I had been doing.

- Right.
- Well, well, well.

I just hope I can handle it.

♪♪ [Piano]

Mary.

Hi, Ted. I got here just as
soon as I could. Sit down.

What's wrong? Care for a drink?

No. No, thank
you. You said it was

important, that you had
to see me right away.

Well, let's, uh... let's order
first, then we'll talk. Uh...

Yes, sir.

I'll have the Veal Cordon
Bleu with a house salad.

Mary? Whatever you like.
Don't worry about the price.

Uh, I'll have the lamb chops.

She'll have the 8.95.

- Now, Ted, will you
tell me what it is?
- What what is?

Why did you call me and ask me to meet you
here? You made it sound like an emergency.

Have some wine, Mary.
No. Thank you, Ted.

We'll need it for the
toast. What toast?

Mary, to our first date.

- To our what?
- Our first date.

To us, Mary,

and to many more
wonderful evenings like this.

Ted, is this your
first bottle of wine?

Mary... [Chuckles]

you and I have worked together
in that office for five years.

I'm an attractive man. You're
a reasonably attractive woman.

You can't deny you haven't
had thoughts about me.

Oh, yes, Ted, I have
had thoughts about you.

I know.

You probably figured me, being who
I am, and you, being who you were,

that I was too far above you.

Now that you're a producer,
it's a whole new ball game.

Well, Ted, I'm
very, very flattered,

but, uh... And
this is a big "but"...

I don't want to date you.

Well, I'll tell you what,
Mary. We'll do it on the sly.

No one else will find out. Even in
the newsroom, it'll be our secret.

Oh, naturally there'll be those
meaningful glances across the desks,

those furtive longings, those private
jokes that only lovers understand.

Oh, Ted, please stop.

Look, let's get something clear right now.
I don't want you to think of us that way.

How am I supposed
to think of us?

Think of us as
brother and sister.

Brother and sister, huh?
I've always wanted a kid sister.

Someone to help me
meet a lot of chicks.

Ted, I can't help you meet a lot of
chicks. Then you can't be my sister.

Well, thank you for dinner, Ted.

It was a lovely, lovely evening.

Oh, it was my pleasure. Did you...
Did you enjoy the lamb chops?

Yes, very much. Very nice.

Well, I've got an
early day tomorrow.

Well, good night,
Mary. Good night.

Mary, who's that man
in your living room?

Ted, there is no man in my
living room. There is now.

[Chuckling]

I'll have mine black,
Mary. There's no coffee.

Well, tea will be
fine. There's no tea.

Well, just a glass of
water. There's no water.

Mary, are you trying
to get rid of me?

Look, Ted, it's just that I'm tired,
and I've got a big day tomorrow.

Okay. Sure. Say no
more. I'm on my way.

See you tomorrow. [Chuckling]

Oh. Okay.

[Sighs]

Ted! What are you doing?

Don't you want me to
kiss you good night? No!

I understand. You're afraid
of losing control of yourself.

I am not afraid of
losing control of myself!

You're already losing control.

Ted, I just don't want to
kiss you good night, all right?

If that's the way you feel, why did
you go out with me in the first place?

- Ted!
- You don't have to kiss me good
night if you don't want to.

I'm not gonna argue with you.

- And I respect you too much
to wrestle with you.
- Thank you!

After all, you don't have to
give me a good-night kiss...

just 'cause I bought
you a $32 dinner.

So forget the good-night kiss.

After all, what's
a good-night kiss?

Just a small
token of friendship.

Just a way one person has...

of saying to another person,

"I like you, person."

If you don't think
I'm worth a simple,

innocent kiss good night,

well, that's all right.

Ted, if I kiss you good night,

will you go home?

The woman hasn't been
born who can resist Ted Baxter.

Hi, guys. Hey, where you been all
day? We go on the air in 20 minutes.

I told you, Lou. I was a guest
speaker at a veterans' group luncheon.

Oh, yeah. How'd it go?

Great. They were sitting
on the edge of their seats.

Probably because of
their old w*r wounds.

- Where's, uh, Mary?
- Oh, she's in Editing.

Well, I'll just leave these
candies at her desk.

Maybe I ought to
write her a note.

Dear Mary, I'll
always remember...

last night.

Love, Ted.

[Sighs] Last night.

Was there ever a
night like last night?

Mm-hmm.

Ted, what happened last night?

I don't think it's any of your
business, Lou. You're right, Ted.

However, since you
brought the subject up,

it just so happens that Mary
and I had a date last night.

Ted, have you been putting
anything funny up your nose?

I'm gonna level with you guys.

I've had my eye on her
since the first time I saw her.

Yesterday when I realized
she'd been here five years...

and I haven't really
made my move yet,

well, I said to myself,
"If you're ever gonna

make a move, now's
the time to make it."

Otherwise, before you know
it, another five years will go by,

and she'll be too old for me.

Well, uh, what did you and
Mary do on this date you had?

Well, we had an intimate
dinner at the Chez Antoine.

Then we went back
to her place for coffee.

You went back to
her place for coffee?

Well, we went back to her
place, but we didn't have coffee.

If you know what I mean.

Mary and Ted?

It's impossible.

Joey Heatherton and
Mao Tse-tung maybe.

Who brought me the candy?
Oh, Ted left that, and the note.

Ted! Honestly, sometimes
I don't believe that man.

Right. You wouldn't believe the
story he just came in here with.

- What story?
- Some crazy story about you
and him going out on a date.

Ted said that he and I had a date?
There was no date. No date. All it was...

Mary, you don't have to
say a word. We know Ted.

Ted's always bragging about something, and
today it's you, so don't worry about it.

Believe us. We didn't
give it a second thought.

Oh, hi, Mary. Say, listen.

Did I, by any chance, lose a cuff
link in your apartment last night?

Yeah, you did, Ted. I found
it in the couch this morning.

Give me a hand with this
cuff link? It's kind of tricky.

Just make sure that
Porky Pig is facing out.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?

Uh, excuse us, guys.

[Clears Throat]

Look, Ted, I'm not
quite sure how to put this.

You mean about the candies? Listen,
nothing's too good for Ted Baxter's woman.

Ted, I am not your woman!

That's right, Mary. Play hard to
get. I love the thrill of the chase.

Ted, there is no chase. There's
no thrill. No chase, no thrill.

There's not going to be. Ted,
nothing happened last night.

I don't want you going around giving
people the impression that anything did.

Say no more.

Gonna zip up my lips...

and lock the zipper
and hide the key.

Oh, there they are.

WJM's own little lovebirds.

What did you say to Sue Ann?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mary.

Do I know something
I'm not supposed to know?

Sue Ann, uh, let me
get something clear.

Oh, Mary, you don't have to.

The blush in your
cheeks speaks for itself.

Isn't it wonderful?

That two people
who, for five years,

have shared nothing but
a businesslike respect...

and admiration for one another,

between whom no word
of love has ever passed,

should one day awake and discover
they have the hots for each other.

Okay. All right, everybody.

I'd like to say something.

I don't know what Ted told
you happened last night,

but I would like
to get it straight...

just so there's no
misunderstanding.

Not that it matters one way or
the other, but just for the record,

Ted Baxter and I did not
go out on a date last night.

True, we did have dinner
together in a restaurant,

and, true, he did bring
me back to my apartment,

did, in fact, come
inside the apartment.

And, true, I did
kiss him good night.

But there was no date. Okay?

Right. Of course. Oh, sure.

Good.

Who said there was a date? Why
should we think there was a date?

Look, Murray, if I were going out
with Ted, I would admit it, wouldn't I?

Mary, you want to come
into my office for a second?

[Chuckling]

Mary, I'm gonna
tell you a little story.

When I was in the army, I
had to bunk under this guy...

who used to get these great
packages of food from home.

One week he got
this giant salami.

Yeah.

The next day, everybody in the
barracks went out on this hike except me.

I had the flu.

Anyway, when this guy
got back to the barracks,

he found that his
salami was missing.

Now, he never
accused me or anything,

but I could see it in his eyes
every time he looked at me.

He figured that I was the
one who stole his salami.

Finally, one day, I
couldn't take it anymore.

I went up to him
and I said, "Bernstein,

"tell me the truth.

"Do... Do you think
I took your salami?

Do you really think
I'm a salami thief?"

And he said, "Yeah."

So I punched him in the nose.

You see my point, Mary?

No.

Neither did Bernstein.

So I went out and
bought him a salami,

which, of course, convinced him
that I was the one who stole his.

Anyway, what I'm
trying to say is...

you can't let yourself
worry about what other

people think about
you, or you'll go crazy.

- Look, you know what happened
between Ted and you.
- Nothing happened.

You know what didn't
happen between...

I would like to know that everyone
else knows that nothing happened!

The point is, who cares what anybody
else knows or thinks they know?

It's over! Forget it!

You're right. Yeah?

It's over. Forget it. You're
right, of course. Thank you.

Right.

Mr. Grant, did they ever find
out who stole Bernstein's salami?

I did.

Hiya. Hi, Mary.

Come on in. I'm
sorry to bother you.

No, you're not bothering me. I have
to go out tonight to journalism class.

Do you want to see me about
something in particular? Yes.

Do you want to tell
me what it is? Yes.

Does it, by any chance, have
something to do with Ted?

Yes.

Has somebody been telling
you things about Ted and me?

Yes!

That's what you wanted
to talk to me about.

Yes.

Oh, wow. I'm glad I
got that off my chest.

Georgette, I am
not interested in Ted.

How could I possibly be interested
in Ted? I mean, how could anybody...

Georgette, what I'm trying to
say is that if I worshipped Ted,

I wouldn't get involved with
somebody you care about.

Oh, Mary. I'm so
glad to hear that.

Well...

Listen, I've got to
get to that class.

There's coffee on the
stove, if you want it.

Oh, thanks. I've got
to go home. Bye-bye.

Bye. [Doorbell Buzzes]

Georgette, could you
answer that for me? Sure.

Uh, hi, Georgette.

I brought you some flowers.

It's all right, Ted.
Don't try to pretend.

I can see how it is.

And, Ted, maybe I'm just a fool,

but I want you to know,
if it doesn't work out,

I'll take you back.

That... That sounds fair.

Georgette, who was that at...

- Ted!
- Hi, Mar.

What are you doing
here? Three guesses.

All right, Ted.

Before things get really crazy,

I want you to explain to
me why you are doing this.

I mean, why are you
doing this all of a sudden?

And why are you doing it to me?

I got you, Mar. Why
this? Why now? Why you?

- Yes! Will you
please tell me?
- Why not?

Mary, you don't know
much about me, do you?

I mean, probably just
what you read in my bio.

No, Ted, I haven't
read your bio.

Then you know nothing about me.

So, Mary...

You're not gonna tell me
about Fresno, are you, Ted?

No. I'm not gonna
tell you about Fresno,

where it all started in a
5,000-watt radio station.

No, Mary. I'm gonna tell
you about me and women.

Things that I've never, ever
told a human being before.

The only reason I'm telling you
is I'm hoping deep in my heart...

that after you hear all
this, you'll be a pushover.

Well, no.

Mary, all my life,

there's been a certain kind of woman
that's never been interested in me.

Classy. You know what I mean?

Uh, uptown, chichi, ritzy, chic.

Ted, I'm not that kind of woman.

I know, Mary, but you're
as close as I'll ever get.

I... I know.

And Georgette's really
better for me than you are.

Just... Just once I'd like to prove
that I can get the kind of girl like you.

- But, Ted, you didn't get me.
- But nobody else knows that.

Good morning,
everybody. [Both] Hi.

People, I just wanna tell you, don't
make any plans for this afternoon.

I am taping a very special
show, and you're all invited.

It's called "Soul Food for
the Adventurous WASP."

All right! Okay, that does it.

I've got to say something.

I don't know what I'm gonna
say, but I've gotta say something.

- What's wrong?
- This crazy thing with Ted
has gotten out of hand.

Now everybody in the
building thinks I'm easy pickin's.

That's ridiculous,
Mar. Oh, really?

Tony at the newsstand, who
for five years has been saying,

"Good morning, Miss Richards,"

today greeted me with,
"How's tricks, cookie?"

And just now, Ollie the elevator
man stopped the car between floors,

leered at me and
said he was out of gas.

So what's the big deal?

Ollie has to be at
least 85 years old.

No wonder he's out of gas.

Go ahead. Laugh.

But to me, this happens
to be very serious.

I know I shouldn't care
what people think, but I do.

I can't help it.
That's the way I am.

I wash my hair before
I go to the hairdresser.

Somebody's stomach rumbles, I'm
terrified that people will think it's mine.

Once I went into a
bookstore to buy a copy of...

What You Always Wanted to Know
about Sex, but were Afraid to Ask.

I was afraid to
ask for the book.

So you can see why it's very
important for me to know...

that you all believe
me about Ted.

Even though I realize the more I stand
here trying to get you to believe me,

the less you do believe me.

- Mary, we believe you.
- How can you believe me?

If I were listening to me talk
like this, I wouldn't believe me.

Mary, you gotta calm
down. Well, I can't.

You wanna come in my office?

No, Mr. Grant. The
Bernstein story won't do it.

- I never did understand it.
- Oh, well.

Look, I'm really sorry. I just... I
thought I could maybe clear things up.

But I don't even know what I'm talking
about anymore, and I'm... I'm very sorry.

So let's just forget it and
all go back to your work.

Hold it. Everybody
stay where they are.

Now... Now hear this.

For the past couple of days,

I've been saying things
that led you to believe

there was something
between Mary and me.

Well, I lied.

In the first place, she
didn't propose to me.

And in the second place,

she never offered
to take me to Hawaii.

And in the third place,

there are no fingernail
scratches down my back.

They're all lies. I
made them all up.

To sum it up, I am not now, nor have
I ever been, Mary Richards's lover.

Now you can go back to work.

Okay, Mar?

I realize that was, uh,
very hard for you to do, Ted.

Well, nobody's gonna mess
around with my little sister.

If anybody ever
gives you any trouble,

just come straight
to yours truly, okay?

I mean, anybody.

Even me.

And so you see, Chuckles,

no matter what you heard,

nothing happened
between Mary and me.

And I want to apologize
if I said anything...

to give you the
wrong impression.

[Chuckles] All right.
Okay. I'll see you.

Whew. Four down and 53 to go.

[Mews]