07x01 - The Cult

[bunniefuu]

- But you two people know
deep down

How you feel about each other,

How you care about each other,
and how much--

How much you love each other.

- Well, marie, I don't know
what I was thinking,

Coming over here,

Because this past month
of you not talking to me

Has been the best month
of my life!

- Oh...

- Oh.

Man, I love a pickle.

Juicy.

Mmm. You know what's great
about a pickle?

It's like a food
and a drink.

Mmm.

- This is a beautiful day,
isn't it?

It's crisp.

You know, I really never knew
what people meant

When they said
it was a crisp day,

But today I get it.

- Where'd you get that shirt?
Big, tall, and samoan?

Go away.
What are you doing?

- I hugged ya.

Surprised? That's exactly
why I hugged ya.

Oh, there's a new robert
in town.

- Well, he still has
that old robert smell.

- So what's going on, robert?

- Ah, I'm just happy.

I got a new outlook on life.

Hey, have you ever heard
about innerpath?

- No. What's that?

- Oh, I'm glad you asked.

It's a group
with a great philosophy

About life and how to live it.

I've been to a couple meetings
already.

Gerard got me into it.

- Gerard?

Isn't he, like, uh...

An idiot?

- I used to think so.

But that was my baggage

I was making him carry.

- Oh.

So is this like
a self-help group or something?

- Oh, no, no, no.
It's much more.

You see,
innerpath teaches us

That we all have
the same emotional doors,

And the trick is recognizing
which doors to bolt shut

And which ones to throw open.

- Robert, sit down.

[Sighs]

Listen, have these people
asked you for money?

- No, no, no.

I gave them some
because I wanted to.

- Come on.
What are you doing?

It's like a scam
or something.

- Happiness is not a scam,
raymond.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come
to a meeting with me?

You could learn
a thing or two.

- Yeah, all right.
What are you, nuts? No.

- Uh, they said I would
encounter naysay negativity.

But you know
what innerpath taught me?

Like a camera,

I use negatives to develop.

- Why don't you add
a grass skirt to that outfit

And dance around a volcano?

- All right. All right.
I'll see you later.

- Hey, where are you going,
robert?

I'm gonna go
across the street.

I want to share the path
with mom and dad.

- Oh, my god!
He's in a cult!

- It's not a cult, ma.

- Then why the hell
did you hug me?

- It made me happy.

- Oh, my god!
He's in a cult!

- It's not a cult.

It's just a bunch of people

Who want to see me happy,
who happen to care about me.

- You have that here,
you stupid ass.

- Well, they said
you might not understand.

But that's okay.
I'm not gonna judge.

- Back! Get back!

- All right,
I'm gonna go up

And try to find
some old photos.

Innerpath wants to do a collage
of our former selves.

- Look what you did.

You never hugged him enough
as a child.

Now he's gonna shave his head

And sit on the floor
at the airport.

- Hey.

All right, listen--
was robert here?

- Yeah, it was horrible.
He hugged me.

- He hugged me too.
He's huggin' everything.

- All right,
we have to do something.

Robert is so impressionable.

- Yeah, he's a dope.
So what do we do?

- We have to get him
out of this.

Raymond, you have to
talk to him.

- You know, ray,

Maybe you could find out more
about this innerpath, ray.

Maybe you could take robert up
on his offer.

- No, I couldn't.
- What offer?

- He asked me to go
to a meeting with him.

- You have to do that,
raymond.

These people
sound like maniacs.

- No!

No, no, I'm not!

Look, come on. I'm not going
to one of those things.

What if they drug me
and I wake up chained to a goat?

- You just described
my wedding.

- I heard that.

- Hey, brother, man.

- Hey, hey.
Okay, okay.

Don't hug me.
Listen, listen.

I'm going to go to one of
those meetings with you.

- That's nice.

That's a family.

- Okay, everybody,
let's get started.

- No chairs?

- Well, if you're sitting
in a chair,

You can't be down to earth.

- Hey, ray.

- Hey, gerard.

- Okay, first things first.

Good neighbor policy:
everybody turn to the left.

[Patting loudly]

Don't forget the right.

Super.

Now, I'm looking
around the room,

And I see a new face,

A happy face,

A face I'd like to know.

- This is my brother,
raymond.

- Welcome to the path,
raymond.

All: raymond! Raymond!
Raymond! Raymond!

Raymond! Raymond!
Raymond! Raymond!

Whoo!

- Hey.

- Raymond, why don't you
tell everybody

A little bit
about yourself?

- You said that
I wouldn't have to talk.

- Raymond has a wife
and three children,

And he is also
the writer for "newsday."

- We all know
who he is, robert.

[All laughing]

- You do?

- Gerard did mention
that he was ray's cousin,

And, gosh, ray,

We are just so super honored
to have you with us,

A famous newspaper columnist.

All: raymond! Raymond!
Raymond! Raymond!

Raymond! Raymond!
Raymond! Raymond!

Whoo!

- That really gets you going,
huh?

- Our leader likes to bring
notables into the fold

So that we can better explain
our mission to the world.

And you, ray barone,
are a notable.

- [Chuckles]
tell that to my wife.

[People chuckle]

- [Laughs loudly]

[Laughter]

- Uh, e-e-excuse me.

So you used me to get to ray?

- No, no, no, no,
not used,

More like...

- It's nice to have you
with us too, robert.

Robert!

[Chanting weakly]
robert! Robert! Robert!

[Chatting indistinctly]

- Okay. Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.

- Well, i, for one,
am somewhat disillusioned.

- Why, because they like me?

It had nothing to do with the
creepy smiling and the touching?

- I don't know
what I'm doing.

- You're telling me.
What's wrong with you?

Look at these nut jobs--
bye! Bye!

Okay.

Good-bye.

Come on,
what were you thinking?

- I just haven't been
so great lately.

I--i feel like
I got nothing to...

Count on.

And now this thing
with ma and debra,

It's got me--

I don't know.

- I'll tell you, though,

When you told us
about innerpath,

It actually got both of them

In the same room
for a few minutes,

'Cause they were
so freaked out.

- Really? They were
worried about me?

- Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, you know what?

There might be something
we could do.

- What do you mean?

- Man, wasn't that
a great meeting, raymond?

I am on cloud nine.

Can you guys give me
a lift home?

Somebody stole my car.

- Hey, that was--

- [Sighs]

- What's the matter?

- It's bad!

- What? What's bad?
- They're freaks!

They're freakin'
mind-melding freaks!

And they got robert!

- What do you mean,
they got robert?

- They're in his head.
Don't you ge tit?

This was my brother!

- Honey, it's okay--

- No, it's not okay, debra!
It's not, not this time!

Not this time.

I saw them!
I saw them!

They got robert
so turned around,

He doesn't even wear
underpants anymore.

- What?

- They don't wear underpants,
debra!

They're freaks!

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know!

That's what I've been trying
to figure out.

I called the precinct
to talk to his partner.

You know what she wants to do?

She wants to come over

And have one of those
insurrections or somethin'.

- An intervention?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Judy said she has experience
in that thing.

But that doesn't work,
does it?

- Well, I don't know--
[knocking]

- Judy, what?
What's going on?

- I know you don't think

An intervention can help
your brother, ray,

But he's my partner,
and I sure as hell am gonna try.

That okay with you, debra?

- Uh, yeah, I guess,
if you really think--

- Good.
It's very simple.

We lock the door on the sucker
and love-b*mb his sorry ass.

- Well, how are you gonna get--

- I told robert you wanted him
here at 9:00 for cake.

- He fell for that?

- That boy always falls
for cake.

Hurry up!
It's almost 9:00!

- Hi, ma.

- Hello, raymond.

I'm here for robbie.

Hello, judy, dear.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now listen up, people.

You just do what I say,
and we'll be fine.

And no matter what,
no matter how much

Robert wants to get out
of here--and he will--

We do not let him.

We stay here as long it takes

To let robert know
that you are his family

And that family,
that love, is stronger

Than any crazy-faced
loser collection of pinheads.

Where's frank?

- He's at the lodge,
which is for the best.

He's not really good with love.

- All right.
See ya, fellas.

Hello...

Everybody.

What's up?

Ma.

Why are you here with debra?

- I'm not here with anyone,
dear.

I'm here because I love you.

- Oh, my god!

- Don't let him out!

[All shouting]

- Don't make this hard--

[Yelling]

- [Yelling]

Sit down!

- All right!
All right!

I know what this is.

And you can all talk
until you're blue in the face,

But it will not do you any good.

"The path is straight,

"And the children of the path

"Shall walk upon it

Straightly
on its straighty straightness."

- You see?
You see?

This is what I'm talking about.
It's worse now.

- What did they do to him?
Why is he smiling like that?

- [Whispering]
no underpants.

- Robert,
you can't really believe--

- Let me.

Hey, partner, remember me?

- Yes, judy.

I worked with you
on the force.

But I've given up that life
to become a full-time pathist.

I've almost got the green shirt.

- This is bad.

All right, ray,

I want you to say something
to robert.

- No, look, look, look,
I can't talk.

I'm not a talk person.

- Ray, I want you to speak
to your brother today

Like he matters!

- He does matter to me, judy!

I just--

I can't stand
seein' him like this!

- Don't tell me!

- Okay, look.

I know I don't say this enough,
but...

You are my brother,
and I love you.

Okay, but...

Here's the thing.

You should know that by now,
right?

I don't have to tell you.

I mean, yeah, yeah,
we get mad at each other,

But we never let it get too far,
you know,

'Cause--'cause we're family.

And we don't walk away.

This--this is walking away.

And I don't want you
to do it, because...

You're like a part of me.

[Knocking at door]

- What's goin' on?

- No.
Judy, don't open it!

Don't open it.
Judy!

- What is this, a party?

What? You lock me out
to keep me away from cake now?

- Just go home, frank.
- Yeah, dad, go.

How come you're not
at the lodge?

- The pool's got a fungus.

Well, what's the party for,

The dalai lama over here?

- Okay, come on.
Please, dad, not now.

- [Singing] hello, dalai

- Frank.

- [Singing] well, hello, dalai

- Dad!

- [Singing it's so nice
that my son's head

Is filled with crap

- Frank, could I see you
for a minute?

See, what we're trying
to do here

Is reinforce the family thing,

Let robert know
we're here for him,

Nurture him a little bit today.

- Oh.

Hey, moron!
- Frank!

- No, this guy's been coddled
his whole life!

That's why he has no brains.

That's why he can't think
for himself.

That's why he joins
a freakin' cult!

Snap out of it, lunkhead!

You know what the only thing
you need now is?

A good kick in the pants!

[Thud]

- Oh, yeah?

What's that, huh?

The name
of your parenting book?

"A good kick in the pants"?

Thanks a lot, dad.

It's worked wonders for me
over the years.

- Come on, robert.
Don't listen to him.

He pees in the yard.

Stop!
- I'm leaving.

- No, no, you can't leave now.

Come on;
we're almost there.

- No, we're not, okay?
Just forget it, ray.

I'm going back to innerpath.

This is a negative place,
and it's not just him.

He's just the poster boy.
It's her and her too.

- Wait, wait.
What about me?

What about what I just said?

- Nice try, but you're
not that good an actor.

- What are you gonna do now?

You're just gonna go back
to your stupid cult?

- It's not a cult, okay?

I'm sorry, everybody,

But I've confirmed something
here today:

That the path
to inner peace and harmony

Clearly cannot be found
in this family.

Good-bye.

- Robert, wait!
- Robbie!

- Robert, please.
Sit down.

- Yes, please, dear.
Don't join a cult.

Have some cake.

- No!

- Robert, I just want
to talk to you.

- Why?
- Because I care about you!

- And I'm your mother!

- Why would I take advice
about life from you two?

You can't even talk
to each other!

- Yes, we can!

Oh, debra!
- Oh, marie!

- Oh, I love you so much.

- Let's never fight again.

- Never.
Never, never.

- Oh, debra.

See?

We are a family.
We love each other.

Please don't leave.

- Okay.

- Good going.
Good going.

- You too, man.

- Wait--wait a minute.

Y-you guys planned
this whole thing?

- What?

- Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

- You're not mad, are you?

- No, I'm not mad.

- Oh.

How could I be mad
when you gave debra back to me?

- Yeah, well, then there's
somebody else you should thank.

- [Chuckling]

And the oscar goes to...

- Yeah, but what was with
that slap in the head?

- I was in the moment.

- You were tricking us?

- What?
You mad at me now?

How come you're fine with them?

- Because they're nice boys,

And you're a gloating
nincompoop!

Let me show you
the cake I made.

It's chocolate, but it's
different than the usual one...

- Robert, this cult.

How many wives can you have?

- Oh, man.
Great game.

- Yup. Yup.

- I still don't get
why you ever wanted

To join a stupid cult.

- All right, dad.

- You know what that was?

Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid!

Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid! Stupid!

Yeah!

- Nice to be back.

- Yeah, this is what
it's all about, flagpole:

Laughs, the ball game,
free will,

Doing what you want
when you want it.

You don't get that
in any stinkin' cult.

- All right, tv off.
It's lunch.

All: [in monotone]
okay.

- What are we having?
- Chicken.

- We wanted roast beef.

Marie:
we're having chicken.

Men: okay.