07x04 - Pet the Bunny

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, no, kids, you're getting
marker on the table.

Ray, do something.

- Don't mark the table, kids.

- Here, kids.

We'll use this newspaper
as your mat.

- Hey, come on.
What are you doing?

For your information,
I was reading something

That the president
of the united states said.

- Yeah, what did the president
say to marmaduke?

- "Tell your wife
to lighten up."

- Hey.
- Hey, robert.

- Hey, kids.

- Hi.
- Hi, uncle robert.

- I drew a picture of you,
uncle robert.

- Oh!

- And that's mommy
in the picture too.

- Oh, great.
And where is your dad?

- I didn't draw him.

- May I keep this?

- Yeah, well,
they're not done yet.

They still got to draw
the bolts in your neck.

- Now, that, raymond,
is not nice,

And that's why
you're not in the picture.

What is this?

"As we honor
frank barone's memory,

"We should also be honest
about who he was in life,

Because he always believed
in telling it like it is."

- That's on the back
of your picture?

Michael, where'd you get
that paper?

- From daddy's office.

- "Who he was in life...
Honor frank barone's memory..."

This sounds like he's...

Passed on.

- Michael, why would you
write this?

[Upbeat rock music]

- [Singing] jungle love

It's driving me mad

It's making me crazy,
crazy

Jungle love

It's driving me mad

It's making me crazy,
crazy

Jungle love

It's driving me mad

It's making me crazy,
crazy

Jungle love

It's driving me mad

It's making me crazy

- What the hell is that, man?

- It's nothing.

Look, sometimes
when a sports star dies,

I write a column that's like
an appreciation for him.

- Oh, I see, okay.
Now it all makes sense.

Except dad isn't
a dead sports star.

Unless he got really good
at hockey this morning

And then you k*lled him.

- Look, I was writing
a real appreciation

For someone else,
and i--

I don't know,
I just had some thoughts

About what I might say
for dad.

- An appreciation
of your father.

Really?

- And you know
what I'd like to know?

Why would you just assume that
you get to do the eulogy, huh?

What's gonna be my job
at the funeral,

Keeping your screaming fans
off the stage?

- It's not--

It's not a eulogy.
I jotted a few things down.

- Oh, jotted.
You jotted, did you?

There's, like, eight paragraphs
right here.

- Hey, I'm a professional
writer, remember, okay?

For me,
this is like doodling.

In fact,
I wrote more than this.

Wait a minute.

Hey, guys.

Guys, is this all
that you drew?

- No, we drew a lot.
- Really?

- Good, great.
Where are the other pictures?

- We gave them to grandma.

- No!

- Daddy's weird.

- Oh.

- Hello, raymond.
- Hey.

Hello.

Hey, uh,
how's everybody?

- Good.
Are you hungry, dear?

- No, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm okay.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

You know what?
I'll get it.

- No, you do enough of that
at home--sit down.

- No, let me see
what's in the frigidaire.

- No, I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.

What would you like
to eat, raymond?

Oh, I got lasagna.

- What else you got?

- I got ham.
Ooh, delicious.

I put a glaze
of pineapple on it.

Okay.

- You got any frozen treats?

- Yeah, I got
some fudge pops.

- Ma, I'll be right back.
I got to go.

I got to put the thing
in the thing.

- Hey, whoa.
What are you doing with those?

- Oh, yeah.
These are the kids' pictures.

I just--i'm gonna
frame them all.

- That chicken scratch?

What does it say
to your children

If you frame
even their worst crap?

- It says you love them.

- No, it says you love crap.

- Okay, all right,
I'll see you.

- Hey, hold on.
You can't take those.

- What? Why not?
You just said they were crap.

- Well, yes, I did,

But they're my crap.

I'm watching the game.

- Okay.

- You know, I'm just gonna
watch the game with dad.

- He doesn't have it.

- What?

- The picture
you're looking for.

- What--what are you
talking about?

- The one with your father's
eulogy on the back.

- Ohh, ma!
Did he see it?

- Of course not!

- Look, I know it's--
it's awful

And it's morbid
and it's weird.

- Uh-huh.
Just tell me one thing.

- Where's mine?

- What?

- You wrote a tribute
for your father.

Where's mine?

- It's not a tribute.
It's just--

I doodled a couple things.

That's all.
It's nothing.

- Uh-huh.

So I don't get one.

- Ma, this is a eulogy.

I didn't write yours
because...

Because even thinking about it
would make me too, too sad.

- Ohh-h-h.

Oh, you're sweet.

I'd like to see something
by wednesday.

- Can you believe that?

She wants me to write
her eulogy now.

- Ray, she's gonna want you
in the coffin with her.

- Yeah, well, I'd rather
not do that either.

- Why did you have to write
your father's eulogy?

- What?
It's like a writing challenge.

- A challenge?
- Yeah.

How do you make people
miss that guy?

See, it's all about--

Well, I mean, this is kind of
technical writer stuff.

- No, try me.

- Okay.

Everybody thinks that
my father is, well, a jerk.

- How technical.

- So you start by talking
about his jerk-like qualities,

Which everyone agrees with,

But also makes 'em
feel a little guilty,

Because he's lying there
dead and all.

And that's when I hit them
with an example

Of him being sweet.

And then it's, "boo-hoo.
Frank, we hardly knew ye."

- And that example
of sweet is?

- You think I don't got it.
I got it.

When robert and I were kids,
we had this bunny

We kept in a cage
in the back.

I named him hoppy.

- Hoppy?

- I'm a writer.

Anyway...

My dad, he always
told me he hated him.

But then one day,
in the middle of the night,

I come down
to get some juice,

And I go in the kitchen
and I look out the window,

And I see him there.

And he's got the cage open,

And he's sitting down
next to it, petting hoppy.

He was--
he was being all...

Gentle.

So I don't know,
I just...

Something about
seeing him like that,

It just stayed with me.

I don't know;
I guess I just like

Thinking about him
like that.

See?
I told you it's good stuff!

- That's so sad.

- Well, that's what you want
in a eulogy.

Guy's dead.

- No, it's sad because,
what, it's been 35 years?

You--you never
told him this, did you?

- Told him what,
about petting the bunny?

- Yeah, you got to tell him
that you saw him

And how it made you feel.

- Are you new here?

- Ray, you have to talk to him
about this.

- No, I'm not!

- So the only way that you
could have a nice conversation

With your father
is if he's dead.

- So you see my problem.

Hey, the kids
marked the table.

- I won the lottery--
20 bucks.

- Congratulations, frank.

- Yeah, "congratulations."

That's what a person says,

Not what the banshee
over there says.

"I told you not to buy
those things at the drugstore.

Where's my prescription?"

- You didn't get
her prescription?

- She'll be fine.

Look, I won.
I reinvested it.

I already scratched five,
but I'm having a bum streak.

I need to change up.

Here, you scratch.

- I get a cut, right?

- 10%.

But if we win big,
no one tells your mother

Till I'm in rio
with harriet lichtman.

- Take ray with you.
He likes harriet lichtman.

- Aw...nothing.

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

- Aw, it's rigged.

Stupid new york state humps.

- Oh, look at that.

You think you're gonna win,
then you don't.

That's how they get you.

[Clears throat]

Hey, dad, remember--

Remember that bunny
that me and robert had?

- Sure.
That thing stank.

- I think I named it hoppy.

- I hated it.

- It's weird, you know.
It's silly--

I think I saw you
petting him once.

- What?

- Yeah, yeah,
you were petting the bunny.

- What, are you on dr*gs?

- No, no, I remember;
I was, like, eight years old

And I came downstairs
to get some juice,

And I saw you petting it.

- Maybe you came downstairs
to get some dr*gs.

- Frank, it's a nice memory.
He thinks it's sweet.

- I don't give a rat's tail
what he thinks.

It never happened.

- All right, dad, what are you
making a big deal for?

- Because you make things up.

- I don't think so.

- Frank, ray's trying
to share something with you.

- Share a lie?

- No.
About you.

When he saw you
pet that bunny--

- I didn't pet a bunny.

- No, frank,
you don't understand.

- I never pet a bunny!

- All right, debra,
forget about it.

- No, no, ray.
Frank, what is wrong with you?

You showed a gentle side
to yourself.

- Why do I come here?

I give you a chance to win
millions, you give me this!

- All right, dad.
Never mind, all right?

- No, you never mind!

Give me the tickets.
The deal is off.

I don't share anything
with liars.

- Are you sure he wasn't
punching the bunny?

- Hi, grandma!

- Here you go, marie,
a load of trouble for the night.

- Oh, they're no trouble.
I made some cookies.

Hurry before uncle robert
and grandpa eat them all.

- Cookies!
- Yay!

- No, no!
Get back!

- Hey, thanks for sitting,
marie.

- Yeah, thanks, ma.

Hey, how's dad doing?

- You didn't tell him
about the eulogy, did you?

- No, why?

- Because ever since
he got back yesterday,

He's been in a terrible mood.

Debra, did you give him
something to eat?

- No, ma.

Debra made me bring up
the bunny story with dad.

- Then frank got all angry
and pretended it didn't happen.

- Why?
It's a lovely story.

He's such an idiot.

- Marie,
the guys are coming over.

We're going to the lodge.

What do you two want?

- Listen, frank--
- no, let me, let me.

Look, dad, I'm sorry

I brought up
the thing yesterday.

I must have remembered wrong.

- You have nothing
to apologize about, raymond.

It's a very sweet story.

- What story?

- The time your father
pet the bunny.

- I did not!

- Hoppy?
You pet hoppy?

- No!

- Why would you deny that?
- Exactly.

- Oh, you pet hoppy.
That's so sweet.

You want a cookie?
I'm gonna get you a cookie.

- Get away from me!

You happy?
Look what you did.

- I'm sorry.

[Knock on door]

- Hello, everybody.

- Hi, stan.
Hi, garvin.

- Hey, ray's here!

Ha ha ha!

- Hey.
Hello, guys.

- You ready, frank?

- You're damn right
I'm ready.

I'd go anywhere
to get out of here.

- Hey, frank, that handball
tournament starts next week.

You in?
- Yeah, I'm in.

- You're gonna have to go
up against bullethead.

- I can b*at that guy
on my worst day.

- Oh, yeah,
you're the toughest, frank.

- Damn straight.

- Hey, you leave this
at the lodge?

- What the hell is this?

- I think you know
what it is.

- And I think you know
what to do.

- Oh, that's adorable.

- Get out of here!

You're telling everyone
your lies.

- I didn't tell them
anything!

- You know, it's the talk
of the lodge.

- Yeah, how you'd go
in the backyard

And sing songs to the bunny

And rub nosies with it.

- [Laughing]
rub noses with the bunny.

- There never was any bunny!
Who told you this?

- My wife.
- Your wife?

How the hell does she
know anything about this?

- Your wife--she knows
how to get the word out.

It's like tom-toms.

"Frank pet a bunny.
Frank pet a bunny."

- You're telling people this?

- Frank, you should be
proud of it.

Finally, you're loveable.

- Would you stop?

I am not loveable,
all right?

I am not sweet!
I fought in korea!

I am no bunny-petter!

- Then why would ray
put it in your eulogy?

- My what?

- I can explain, dad.
- Don't, robert.

- Apparently, raymond,
as sort of a fun hobby,

Fantasizes about what he'll say
upon your demise.

- What?

- Oh, yes.
He wrote a eulogy for you.

And he's ready to go
at a moment's notice...

If you are.

- You're planning my death?

- No, no!
- Just your funeral.

- Ray, you better go.

- [Sighs]

- I'm stilly waiting
for my eulogy, raymond.

- See you, ray!
I like those pants on you!

[Loud banging]

- Dad.

Hey, dad,
can I talk to you?

- Can't you see I'm busy?

- You're hitting a license plate
with a hammer.

- I'm personalizing it.

- Look, dad, you weren't
supposed to hear the eulogy.

- Yeah, I guess I screwed you up
by not being dead.

- Come on.
I was just--

[Hammering]

I was writing it for myself,
all right?

I--i don't want you to die.

- Look, I don't care
what your screwed-up reason

For writing
a funeral speech was.

I hated that bunny!

And by the way,
you never cleaned the cage.

It was dirty.

You kids--
"daddy, buy me a bunny.

We'll take care of it."

I was lied to.

- I was eight.

- And already a liar.

- All right.
Dad, I'm sorry.

- I had to pet that bunny--
every night.

- Every night?
- Every night!

The damn bunny
needed some attention.

And that's the thanks I get.
Now I've lost everything.

- Lost what?
What did you lose?

- Oh, not much.
Just my reputation as a man.

- Come on, look, those guys,
they're only teasing you.

- Listen to me.
I'm the tough one.

That's how the community
sees me.

- What community?

You're in a steam room
in a lodge with six naked guys.

- That's my community.

And everyone's
got their thing.

Stan's got the brains,
garvin's got the looks,

And I'm the tough one.

- Yeah, all right.

First of all, dad,
with the looks,

I'm gonna declare it
a three-way tie.

- I can't talk to you.

- Come on,
you can't talk to me?

Why do you think I wrote
the eulogy

With the stupid bunny story?

- That's what I'd like to know.

You know, I know
some things about you

You wouldn't want me
telling everybody.

- All right,
that's different, dad.

- No, no, no,
it's a good story.

I go up to the attic one day...
- All right, dad.

- And I turn on the light...
- Dad.

- And imagine my surprise.

- That's different, dad!

- No, it's not!

I'm telling you,
I hate that bunny story!

Why the hell would you want
to remember me like that?

I wanted you to know
I was tough!

I worked hard at that!

- All right, look,
the bunny thing--

The only reason
I even remember it

Is 'cause
it's so unlike you.

You were the toughest
son of a bitch I ever knew.

- You gonna put that in?

- I could.

- Write it down
before you forget it.

- All right.

And I'll--i'll take
the bunny thing out.

- No, no, no, no.

Maybe leave that in.

- Yeah?

- No, I don't know.
I'm not sure now.

You know what?

Surprise me.

- Ma, I think I've
come up with something

You might like
for your eulogy.

[Loudly clears throat]

"What can I say
about my dear mother?"

- Oh, robbie.

Robbie,

That's so very nice.

But raymond is the writer.

And besides, you're going
to be very busy that day.

You're a policeman.

I'm gonna need you
for my motorcade

To stop all the traffic.

Sweet.

- "What can I say

"About raymond?

"One day,

I went up
to the attic..."