- Hello, dears.
- Hey, ma.
- Hey.
- Robert, have you and amy
Set a date
for the wedding yet?
- Here we go.
- Look, ma, we haven't even
worked up the nerve
To tell her parents
we're engaged.
- Well, what are you
waiting for?
- For them to die.
- Oh, raymond, don't say that.
That could take years.
- What are you watching?
- A movie.
- Nope.
- Uh...
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hey, guys!
Hey!
Oh, tickle monster!
[Laughter]
What's up?
- Daddy, we're going outside,
okay?
- All right.
Don't throw rocks.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you two clean your room?
- Daddy said
we could go outside.
- Oh, nice try.
That room is a disaster area,
And I asked you two
to clean it half an hour ago.
- Maybe they go outside
And they can finish up
a little later.
- No, ray!
What are you doing?
You two get upstairs
and clean your room right now!
- Mommy's mean.
- [Sighs]
Ray, can I speak to you
in the kitchen for a minute?
- Ma, can I go outside?
- Ray, I want to talk to you.
- Hi, grandma.
Hi, grandpa.
- Hello, dear.
Oh, frank,
doesn't ally look nice
In her frontier girl uniform?
- Great.
When's cookie season?
- In the spring.
- I'll see you then.
- Have a good time, sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- I'll be right there,
sweetie.
Okay, so I guess
we'll talk later,
'Cause I have to take ally
to her meeting.
But you make sure that the boys
clean that room.
- Oh, debra, I'll clean up.
In fact, I'll give
the whole upstairs a once-over.
And then the downstairs.
- Thank you, marie,
But the boys can do it
themselves.
- Boys should play.
I hardly ever used to
make raymond tidy up.
- I know, marie,
and thank you for that.
- Yep, for raymond, it was,
"don't worry. Go play."
What I got was,
"robbie, dust the ceiling."
- So, you know,
My mom's got it all covered,
all right?
- Ray, you make sure
that the boys do it themselves.
And for once, don't be afraid
to be the bad guy.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean,
you always get to be
Captain goodtimes around here,
and mommy is the evil witch
Who shows up
to spoil everybody's fun.
- No, that's ray's mommy.
- Debra, when it comes
to discipline,
It's only natural
For one of the parents
to be the bad guy.
- I was the best bad guy
Ever to walk the streets
of lynbrook.
These two knew
not to mess with me.
When they were up to
their usual monkeyshines,
All I had to do
was give 'em the step.
- What's that?
- All right, just take it easy.
- All right, just relax.
- [Chuckling]
End of monkeyshines!
- Wow.
- He was good.
- All right, listen.
Nobody has to be the bad guy
If you would just be
a little bit firmer
In setting limits for the kids.
But I know you;
you're worried that if you do,
They won't like you.
- No, no.
- Yes.
- Yes.
It's sad, really.
This obsession
with being liked by everyone
Has now contaminated
your child-rearing.
- Do me a favor.
I got an air freshener
in the car.
Could you hang it
off your nose?
- You know, there's no reason
for raymond to be the bad guy
When debra's
so naturally good at it.
- I'm not good at it.
- Oh, that was a compliment,
dear.
See, when my boys acted up,
All I'd have to say is,
"Wait till
your father gets home."
- Oh, I would love
to be able to do that,
But whenever I say, "wait
till your father gets home,"
The twins say,
"great! He works for us."
- [Giggles]
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- That's just
the way it goes, honey.
How could you ever be
the bad guy?
- Stop it!
- [Baby talk]
who's the bad guy?
Oh, we've touched a nerve.
- Did not.
Shut up.
- Touched a nerve.
- Get out of here.
- Hey, listen,
If you'd just lay down the law
once in a while,
Maybe the twins
would respect you more.
- They respect me.
- Oh, they do?
When?
When you tell them
to get dressed
And I find them watching tv
With their pants
on top of their heads?
- I'm a fun dad.
- Yeah, well, you've got
the "fun" part right.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're a lousy dad.
- I got to take ally
to her meeting.
I'll be back in a little while.
- Come on.
You've seen me lay down the law,
right?
I've seen you lay down.
[Chuckles]
- Now roll over.
[Laughs]
- Aw, he's such a good boy.
- Guys, what are you doing?
- Playing.
- You're supposed to clean up
your room.
- Five more minutes.
- No.
No, not this time.
Not five more minutes, now.
Guys, I want you
to clean up your room.
- Five more minutes.
- No--
guys, I mean it.
Guys, I'm not fooling around,
okay?
All right, you know what?
You know what?
[Both growl]
- Listen, guys, I mean it.
Stop. Guys, I want you
to clean this room now.
Come on, guys.
I'm not fooling around!
[Boys shouting gleefully]
stop it.
Stop it, guys!
I'm getting annoyed now.
Stop this! Guys!
Okay, no tv for a month!
- What?
- You're going to clean
this room, all right?
And then I'm going to find
some more work for you to do,
Like--like take out the trash
every day.
That's right.
Used to be my job.
Well, now it's yours, okay?
You want to live here,
I'm the boss.
I don't work for you.
You work for me.
- What's all the yell--
- Ah ah ah ah!
I got it!
- Mommy!
- Daddy's being mean!
- And crazy!
- Oh, I'm crazy?
I'm cr--you know what?
Forget about cleaning up
the room, because it's bedtime.
Come on.
- Ray...
- Say good night to mommy.
Go, get in bed.
Get in bed. Come on.
Come on. Lie down.
Lie down over there.
Go. Lie down!
- Ray, it's noon.
- Well, that's the new bedtime!
All right, I'm not kidding
around anymore!
No more fun stuff!
And if there's any more
screwing around,
No tv, no dessert,
No christmas, easter,
fourth of july, or halloween!
- Ray, you're being ridiculous.
- Night-night.
Lights out.
Just put your hands
over your eyes
And pretend that it's dark out.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
Sweet dreams, gentlemen.
I suggest you sleep,
'Cause I'm planning on
filling the garbage tomorrow
With the heaviest,
heaviest garbage!
- These two were hungry,
so I made sandwiches.
- Great.
- Hey!
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
You work up an appetite
laying down the law.
- Ray just put the twins to bed
And took away
all their holidays.
- Hey, all right.
Did you take away
birthdays too?
- I'm saving that.
We'll see how they do
with the garbage tomorrow.
- Very good.
- Ray, listen to me.
I know what you were trying
to do up there,
But that's not exactly
what I meant by setting limits.
- Well, that is how
you set limits, okay?
I know exactly what I'm doing.
- I think
maybe you went too far.
- I think maybe I went
just right!
- But don't you think
that maybe--
- Yes, I screwed up!
I don't know
what the hell I'm doing!
Why'd you make me do that?
- What happened, raymond?
- I don't know!
I just started yelling,
and then I couldn't stop.
Why can't you stay
the bad guy?
Can't you see I stink at it?
- Aw.
Oh, well, sweetie,
it's just not your way.
See, I think you should go up
And take back that punishment.
And then you, debra,
You go up
and give it out again.
- Ray, come on.
You go up there
and you say you're sorry,
And we'll get it all worked out.
- [Sighs]
yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- You're not going anywhere.
- What?
- You back down now,
you'll be their puppet.
You'll be a permanent
party clown
With bubbles
coming out of your behind.
- Come on, frank,
What ray did
was completely unfair.
- Unfair
is what kids remember.
Unfair is what keeps them
on the straight and narrow.
Remember in high school
how you used to whine
About how unfair
your 9:00 curfew was?
Well, it kept you
out of trouble, now didn't it?
Like it or not, unfair works!
- Except that ray
would come home at 9:00,
Wait for you to fall asleep,
And then sneak back out.
- Raymond, is that true?
- No, it is not true, marie.
It is manure.
- And he would always brag that
he had the stairs memorized--
You know, which ones
would squeak, which didn't.
And once he got down 'em,
It was out the door
for another night
Of bad judgment
and questionable behavior.
- Baloney!
Ray knew what would happen
If he blinked
without my permission.
I had him shivering
in his boots.
He knew if he lived
in my house,
He lived by my rules.
Sneak out? Ha!
- Actually, dad,
with your snoring,
I could have marched out
of there blowing a trumpet.
- You little punk.
- So where would you go?
- Anywhere.
Parties, bernie's house.
- Well, his mother's
getting a call.
- Sometimes I just took
the valiant out for a drive.
- You took my car?
- I'd always refill the gas
So he'd never know
that it was gone.
- It was kind of brilliant.
- Yeah, yep.
And by the way,
robert did it too.
- Never!
- Yes, oh, yes.
I remember once,
we snuck out
To go to the jethro tull
concert,
And he stole a bottle
of peppermint schnapps
From your liquor cabinet.
- He's lying!
- Yeah, I know he is,
'Cause I had
that cabinet padlocked.
- Yes, that's why he had to
inch it away from the wall
And pop out the back panel.
- [Gasps]
You drank?
- You popped out
the back panel?
- Then after the concert,
robert was so schnockered,
He wanted to fight anybody
who didn't agree
That "bungle in the jungle"
was the best song ever written.
- That's a great song.
But this is lies!
- Yeah, I remember
the next morning,
He threw up in the living room,
And you wanted to know why
the house smelled
Like mint vomit.
- You told me you had
a bad candy cane.
- Oh, frank, our sons
are juvenile delinquents.
- Yeah, well, ray was worse.
You know that time
we all went up to the poconos?
He had a girl in his room.
- Oh, yeah?
- Raymond!
- All right, look,
first of all, I was 25.
And nothing happened.
- You told me
something happened.
- That's right;
I told you something happened.
Nothing happened.
- I knew it. You should have
sent her to my room.
- Oh, yeah, like you would know
what to do.
- I know plenty.
- Yeah, you know.
You know how to throw up.
- You throw up!
- Worst song ever written:
"bungle in the jungle."
- I'll fight you right now!
[Bickering]
- Quiet!
Be quiet!
- He started the whole thing
with--
- I still got it.
- Actually, frank,
you obviously never had it.
- What?
- Wake up!
You spent their whole childhood
being a dreadful goon,
And all it did was make them
want to sneak out of the house.
- Maybe they wanted
to get away from you.
That's why
I sneak out of the house.
- Don't you dare try
to turn this around.
You insisted on being
the disciplinarian.
You're the one who said to me,
"Oh, don't hug them so much.
You'll make them soft."
Well, obviously, I should have
never stopped hugging them!
Oh!
I am so sorry I let
this crazy man loose on you.
- Stop hugging them!
- No, frank.
That's what parenting is:
love.
You just love 'em.
No matter how many
bad decisions they make,
No matter how many times
they don't listen to you,
You just keep loving
and hope that maybe someday
That love will make them realize
how much they hurt you.
- And you wonder why
I drank the schnapps.
- You know what?
I'm just gonna tell the twins
That they can do
whatever they want,
Because nothing works.
- Oh, come on, ray.
It's not that simple.
- What?
All his rules ever did
Was make me good
at getting around 'em,
So maybe we don't make
so many rules.
- Look, my parents made rules,
but they took the time
To explain the reasons
for the rules.
And there was mutual respect
between us,
And maybe that's why
I never felt the need
To sneak out of the house
or go joyriding in their car.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
You never felt the need
to do that.
- No.
- But you did find the need
To go to mardi gras
when you were in college.
- Ray.
- And at the parade...
- Ray.
- You took your top off.
- Ray!
- Oh, my god!
- It was nothing.
In college,
everybody's a little--
It was college.
I was finding myself.
- You found yourself on
page seven of the "daily news"
With your boobs out.
- Ray!
- Holy crap.
- You mean, like, topless?
- In the "daily news"?
- I was not topless.
They put a black bar
over the exposed area.
- I hate those.
- It was spring break.
It was a momentary
youthful indiscretion.
- That ended up in the paper.
- How could you do that, debra?
- Come on.
It is no big deal.
It was college.
- Not a big deal?
Debra, in a few years,
ally will be in college.
- But ally would never do
anything like that,
Because we will teach her
That it is not right
to do things like that, and...
- Oh, boy.
- That's the thing, all right?
Now, what are we gonna do?
Come on, I managed to sneak out
to any party I wanted,
And I had marie and benito
mussolini as my parents.
And even though
you had good parents,
You still
whipped off your shirt
In front of a bunch of drunks
for a handful of beads.
Whoo!
Right?
So no matter what we tell ally
And--and--
and the other ones,
Aren't they just gonna do
what we did?
Or worse?
- You need to build a cage.
- Well, we need something.
- All right, don't panic.
- No, we gotta to have a plan
here, okay?
How are we gonna control
these kids?
- I don't know.
What are you asking me for?
- Because it's got to be you.
I can't even put their pjs on.
You think I'm gonna be able
to take away their beer
And their cigarettes?
- Yesterday ally asked me
if she could buy a miniskirt.
- Oh, crap.
- You've already lost.
- You tell ally
the answer is no.
No skirts of any kind.
Pants.
Snow pants!
- Ah, you can't win.
No matter what you do,
They're still gonna grab
your booze and go to a concert.
- No concerts.
Shirts can come off
at concerts too.
- I gotta start a band.
- Guys, it's okay.
You can wake up now.
Sit up, guys.
I want to talk to you.
Michael, come over here.
Come on.
Listen, guys.
I said something before
that was pretty harsh.
But, uh, I said it,
And I'm sticking by it.
Okay?
You understand that?
I'm not backing down.
So if you think, you know,
:daddy's a party clown;
"Look at the bubbles
coming out of his heinie,"
You can just forget about it.
But...
I might have a deal
for you guys.
You want your tv back
and holidays
And staying up
until it's dark out?
Okay, well,
I can make all that happen
If you just promise me
one thing.
Okay?
Just promise me
You'll obey everything
mommy and daddy tell you
From now until you're...
60...
5.
65, Okay?
That seems fair.
Deal?
- Deal.
- Deal.
- All right, come here.
All right,
now, listen, guys.
I don't want you to think
that I'm an idiot
And I really believe
that we've got a deal here.
Your mother
and I have been talking,
And we know
that you're gonna get older
And you're gonna do things,
And we know there's nothing
that we can do about it.
But, guys, if you do,
make sure...
We never find out about it.
We don't want to know.
Listen, guys,
you know, the only reason
We want you to do
what we tell you
Is because we love you, okay?
- We love you too, daddy.
- Can we go outside now?
- Yeah. Okay.
No, wait.
You got to clean your room.
No, guys, you got to clean
your room!
Guys!
You got to clean the room!
Hey, ma, you busy?
- [Sighs] I'm glad
we talked that out today.
- Yeah, me too.
- I guess all we can do
Is love them
and set a good example.
- Yep.
And as far as me and you go,
I think we need a vacation.
- Oh, I'm all for that.
Where should we go?
- Actually, I was thinking
about mardi gras.
[Singing]
oh, when the saints
Come marching in
Oh, when the saints come
marching in
How I'd love to be
in that num--
[Screams]
07x15 - The Disciplinarian
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.