07x26 - Sherwood Schwartz: A Loving Tribute

[bunniefuu]

**

Hey, Dan,

they were all
out of broccoli

so I got
Frosted Flakes instead.

Hi, honey.

What?

Show her.
Show me what?

David.
Okay.

I, uh, I got this
thing at school today.

Oh, man, I hate
things from school.

The last thing was
a note from the principal

that said D.J.
was selling my bras.

You're graduating?

Yeah.
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, yay!

Ow, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me.

We totally
had you going.

Somebody from this house
graduating from high school!

Man, I just never could
have seen that coming.

Somebody from this house
graduating high school.

Somebody from this house
graduating high school!

Did you hear that world?

Somebody from this house
is graduating high school!

Quiet. You'll
attract gold-diggers.

Oh, Darlene, we are gonna
have the biggest blowout ever.

We never got to do this
with you or Becky.

You know, this is our last time to
celebrate a high school graduation.

No, you still have D.J.

Like I said,
big blowout!

We're really
proud of you, son.

You can relax and take comfort in
knowing you've done a fine, fine job.

Now, what are you gonna do
for the rest of your life?

I don't know.

But I think I have this
next month figured out though.

I'm gonna do something
with the money my mom sent me.

Well, that's nice, David.

I will think
very fondly of your mother

while I'm watching
that big screen TV.

No, see, I'm thinking
of going to Europe.

What? Long way to go to bring back a TV.

Man, I figured the only way any of
you kids would ever get to go overseas

is if you lucked out and
they were having another w*r.

I'm just looking forward
to finally seeing in person

all of the art I've
been studying in books.

They got art
in Europe?

You can just
send me a postcard.

Darlene-

Hey, David.
When you're over there,

bring me back something
real classy, you know,

like one of them naked statues
for out on the lawn.

Hey, are you mad
or something?

No, Pierre.

I'm delighted that you're
gonna be in Europe all summer

while I'm stuck here in
Lanford in Chateau de Lard Ass.

It's just a month, Darlene.

I know, David, but we
just got back together.

I mean, what if some other boy
moves into the basement?

I just think this is
something I gotta do.

Well, here's
something else you gotta do.

Learn the French translation of
"No, this is my full height. "

Hey, David.

I thought your graduation
ceremony was great.

I really loved that part where
everyone threw them square hats

with the tassels
up in the air.

I know.

I just wish Mrs. Conner
would've asked me first.

I kind of wanted to do it.

Got to move quick around us.

You should know that.
You've eaten here.

What's going on?

Just thinking about Europe.

Yeah?

I often come out here
and think about...

living over there.

I don't think I'm gonna go.

What? You were
looking forward to it.

Yeah, it's just kind
of stupid, you know?

The young artist going to Paris
to be inspired by famous paintings.

It's not stupid.

Some of the greatest paintings
of all time have come from there.

Like... that woman
sitting in the chair,

or them kids crying
with the big eyes.

Well, I know. It's just,
I'm young, you know,

and the art over there
is so... old.

David, what's this
really all about?

Are you nervous
about leaving home?

'Cause, you know, technically
this isn't your home.

Well, it's just,
you know,

Darlene and I are finally
back together again, and-

Oh.

Yeah, and I'm starting
to think that maybe

spending a month apart
would be a mistake.

Well, being together
is important,

but a man needs time
for his own thoughts.

That's why I put a lock
on the bathroom door.

Yeah, but I'm thinking
maybe I could just wait

'til we could
both go together.

Really hate to see you
pass this up, David.

You've got the time,
you've got the money.

I've seen this before.

If you don't do this now,

maybe you'll never do it.

I'll think about it.
Thanks, Mr. Conner.

No problem.

Hey, have you ever
traveled anywhere exotic?

Can't say
as I have, David.

Oh, yeah, wait.

One year on the way
to Florida,

me and Mrs. Conner stopped
off at Gator Village,

watched a chicken
dance on a hot plate.

Hey, Dan, is the stuff in
the dishwasher clean or dirty?

Dirty.

Oh. Here.

No way!

You're not working on that big
heap of junk boat again, are you?

What, are you gonna drag it out
and work on it every six years?

If I do it in my spare time and
my own garage, who's it gonna hurt?

You, and a lot.

You get rid of it.

I'm sorry. I just can't do that for you.

Oh, it's amazing what you can
do once I set my mind to it.

Well, well, well.
What have we here?

A new saw,
a pile of new wood,

and some expensive,
new, loud...

plug-in type of thing.

Well, I guess the new
baby doesn't really need

all those stupid
sh*ts anyway.

All that cost me,
like, bucks.

Yeah, and what's it gonna
cost by the time it's finished?

And you'd better
figure that in bananas,

because by that time apes
will be running the world.

Including lumber,
paint, tools,

everything else I need
to build a whole boat...

spread out over
a couple of years,

maybe...
a thousand bucks.

What?

You got a kid in college,
another one on the way

and absolutely no savings.

I could really think of a better
way to spend a thousand bucks,

like you give me
a thousand bucks.

Stop worrying.
Start dreaming a bit.

Now, now when all the kids
are gone or "lost,"

we'll tow this baby down
to Florida,

set sail for the Caribbean,

figure we'll stock her up with
supplies for a couple of months,

maybe get some of that
imported beer.

Your snifter of suds,
my love.

Hey, uh.
Where are we, anyway?

Well,
there's the north star,

there's the Big Dipper,
and there's the dock.

So, I would calculate
we're about...

feet out
in the ocean.

Happy my pet?

Oh, beyond happy.

Whacked out.

How this night possibly
be any better?

Ha, ha.

Oh, Dan, you thought of everything.

It's the pizza boat.

Oh, that is the stupidest, most
ridiculous fantasy I've ever heard.

Except for the
pizza boat part.

If you ever really
finish this boat,

and it ever
actually floats,

I'll tell you just
what's going to happen.

We'll get lost, in say,
the first three hours.

Then we'll run into
a rock,

and we'll end up shipwrecked
on some deserted island

in the middle of nowhere.

Wow!

An uncharted desert island.

This wasn't on any of my maps.

Skipper!

Over here, little buddy.

Abandon ship.

Pull yourself together,
Gilligan.

We've got other passengers
to think about.

Mr. Howell,
are you okay?

Well, of course, Captain.

We Howells are made
from a hearty stock.

My darling,
are you all right?

Yes, Thurston,
I'm fine.

Ha. Not you love,
I was talking to the money.

Oh, boy, will you be a dear
and help us with our luggage?

Yes, rich lady.

Uh, Professor, do you
have any idea where we are?

I mean, I'm only asking
'cause you're so smart,

and I'm just a dumb girl from
the country with an amazing rack.

I don't know.

One thing's for sure.

Fixing that hole in that boat of
ours is way beyond our technology.

Anyway, I'm gonna go find
some leaves and twigs-

Build us a dentist's office.

Hi, everybody.
I'm David.

Hi, David.

What am I doing here? I
don't even like this show.

I wanted to be on
Friends.

Well, the important thing
is that everybody is okay.

Hey, where's that movie star?
I hope she's all right.

She's so delicate.

Hey, nice driving, Ahab.

That was sure one fun
Carnival Cruise, huh?

Soon as we get rescued, I'm gonna
strangle that bitch Kathie Lee.

And in other news, the year-long
search for those castaways

stranded in the South
Pacific has been discontinued

by the Coast Guard due to
budget cuts and lack of interest.

I don't believe it.

Believe it.

Lost and forgotten.

I should have known better than
to sign with William Morris.

I got problems of my own,
Ginger.

Last night,
Mr. Howell asked me

for a romantic moonlight
stroll on the beach.

Hi-ho, Commodore. How are
you and your little buddy?

You better be talking
about Gilligan.

Come along, Thurston. We don't
want to be late to the crab races.

It's the sport of kings,
you know.

Oh, boy! Hurry up with those crabs.

Coming,
Mr. Howell.

Aah!

Here comes another Emmy.

Oh, boy, Mary Ann.
I love coconut pie.

Coconut, again? All we ever
eat around here is coconut.

Isn't there some steak tree
on this damn island?

All right, here's a question.
How come I'm Mary Ann, anyway?

I've never been to Kansas.
I've never been on a farm.

And I'm tired of everybody
thinking you're prettier than me.

Deal with it, Dorothy.

Or else I'll use
those pigtails to steer

while I ride your hillbilly ass
all over this island.

Where's the basement?
I can't find the basement.

Hey, look, everybody.

We'll finally be able
to leave the island.

I pieced together the
windshield from the Minnow,

and we can use that as a
reflector to signal planes.

Skipper. Skipper.
No!

Gilligan!

You better have a good
reason for all of this.

I do. I do.
It's just-

Slow down,
take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Now, what's going on,
Gilligan?

We're all gonna die, Skipper.
They say a typhoon's coming.

What are you
talking about?

The filling in my mouth picked up a
radio signal from a Coast Guard cutter.

Listen.

Hey, I once did a love scene
with Abe Vigoda,

but I'm not going near
your mouth.

Any minute now,
a small uncharted

island in the Pacific
will be hit by a typhoon.

Did someone say tycoon?

Yeah, that is exactly
what they said.

Any minute now the island will
be hit by a gigantic rich man.

No, no!
Typhoon.

But what are the odds
that it'll hit this island?

The odds are good.

D'oh!

I wouldn't really worry
about that storm, Skipper.

Really? Why not?

'Cause that volcano is gonna
finish us off first.

Hello, Club Med!
I want my deposit back!

If that volcano
is erupting,

then it's only
a matter of minutes before-

Whoa! Whoa!

Earthquake!
Earthquake!

Calm down,
little buddy.

Well, I guess the good news is
that things couldn't get any worse.

So, it couldn't get
any worse, eh, Gilligan?

Oh, it could get
way worse.

I just heard on the radio that
Fox is doing my life story.

What's so bad about that?

Four words: "Denny Dillon is Ginger. "

Dear diary, Europe isn't
all it's cracked up to be.

Hey, tall dark
and flesh-eating.

You're about the sexiest
little cannibal I've ever seen.

I can do wonders for
your career. Trust me.

I've done it before, and with
people less civilized than you.

Oogah booga booga!

Ah, everybody
is a critic.

Ginger, I think the only
theater he's interested in is...

dinner theater.

Aah!

You are so grounded.

I cannot believe
I'm going to die like this.

I hope I give your
whole village the trots.

Hold it.

Roseanne, that story is
absolutely ridiculous.

There's no way that would
happen in a million years.

Oh, yeah?

That's the same thing you said
about fat-free Fig Newtons.

The point is, we can sail
around the world together,

just the two of us.

No, face it, Dan.
We're marooned in this house,

and nobody is ever
gonna rescue us.

That goes for me, you, D.J.,

the new baby, and the rest.

Fine.

I'll just smash it up,

leave it on the curb for the
garbage man to take it away.

No.
Don't smash it up.

Just leave it out there
and hope for pirates.

Mom, I got apple stuck
in my teeth,

and we don't have any floss,

and I don't feel like using
the family toothbrush.

Well, here.

Use what I use when I got
something stuck in my tooth.

What is it?

Caramel.

Hey.

Well, I'll have a coffee with
cream and the check, please.

I'm on my way to my job.

I'm a management trainee
at the World of Pizza.

What? You're going to
work at World of Pizza

instead of going to Europe?

Yeah.

Does your love of cheese
know no bounds?

You know, I thought about it,

and I weighed the pros and
cons, and I decided not to go.

Darlene...

Well, it was a stupid idea.

Why are you ruining
this for him?

Oh, come on, Mom. I mean, everybody
knows he'd have a terrible time.

It is a well-known fact that people
from France hate people from Lanford.

And he was planning
on backpacking.

I mean, he doesn't
even own a backpack.

That's bull, Darlene.

Your father and I went to
Las Vegas with two Hefty bags,

and we were proud to do it.

Look, I just don't think
that he should go. Uh-huh.

What's that?

This?

It's a hair net.

I see.
Well, put it on.

Mrs. Conner...

No, go ahead.
Put it on.

That is totally
embarrassing.

He looks
like an idiot.

You would prefer that he did
this instead of going to Europe?

I gotta go to work,
Mrs. Conner.

That's it.
No more discussions.

You know, over in France, they don't
care if you wear a hair net or not...

except for under your arms.

He still wants to go.

Well, I don't want him to.

I mean, we just got
back together, Mom.

Come on, you gotta give
a guy his dreams.

Then he won't notice that
you control his reality.

Just stay out of this, okay?

Oh, Darlene.

Men have to do all this World of
Pizza-type stuff their whole lives.

The only thing that
keeps them going is hope.

So, no matter how stupid or ridiculous
or idiotic their dreams seem-

I'll be back.

Hey.
No, it isn't lumber yet.

Look it, um, well,

I've been thinking
and the truth of it is

I'm actually very excited
and looking forward

to sailing off with you
into the sunset.

What do you mean?

Don't make me
actually say it.

I can keep working
on the boat?

Yeah, but put it together
out in the alley

because I need the space in
here so I can work on my jet.

Deal.

Thanks, babe.

Hey, Ginger.

What?

Why don't you throw on
a little sequin something

and we'll play
"find the buried treasure"?

Only if you're up for
a three-hour tour.

Hey, kids!
Mom's home.

Pork rinds light?

Hey, Jackie,
what's going on out there?

Where are you?
What's taking you so long?

Well, Roseanne,

I hope you didn't strain
yourself carrying that one bag.

So I'm glad you decided
to let Dan, you know,

keep working on his little
project in the garage.

I mean, um, how much trouble
can you get into on a boat, huh?

Hi, Mrs. Conner.
Have you seen my wife Becky?

No, Mark.
She isn't in this episode.

Well, she said
she needed some ice.

You guys have
a recipe for that?

Ah, I'm dumb.

Hey, hey, hey.
Darlene!

This family sucks.

What's wrong,
Darlene?

I thought you'd be happy now
that David's not going to Europe.

Ugh. Aunt Jackie,
you need to shave.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, David.
Hi, David.

We definitely watch
too much TV.

Cut. God, I love this new writing.

Where's my new writer?

Sherwood. Sherwood!

Sherwood Schwartz?

Yes, Roseanne?

This script is great.

If it were a pie,
I'd eat it.

Thanks, Rosie,

but you can't stop a scene
in the middle like that.

I'm the only one
who can do that.

Oh, yeah?
You're fired.

Give me the guy who
wrote The Brady Bunch.

I'm afraid that's me, too.

Great.
You're hired again.

Welcome aboard.
Thank you.