04x03 - Death Begins at Forty

[bunniefuu]

(whistles)

Now, that is a filthy spark plug.

Yes, it is. And there are many ways
to clean a dirty plug.

You can use a file,
a wire brush...

Steel wool or Al's beard.

But if you want it really clean, we suggest
using Binford's Spark Plug Cleaner.

Very easy to use.
Turn away, please, Al.

Just shove sparky right in there.
(high voice) ''No, no, no, no.''

- Turn it on.
- (machine whirs)

Blow it off.

Now, that is a spark plug that's clean.
Clean enough to eat off of.

Be a small meal though, wouldn't it?
Little piece of turkey. Pass the gravy, Al.

Once you've removed the buildup,
it's always a good idea to recheck the gap.

OK. Perfect.
Point zero three five.

You need a proper gap
to get the proper spark.

How would you know? lt's been years
since you've given off a proper spark.

As opposed to your sparks, which have
caused millions of dollars in fire damage.

(hisses)

Now, a misfiring spark plug
is easy to diagnose.

Bigger problems require
taking the whole engine apart.

That can be a dirty, time-consuming job -
though a heck of a lot of fun.

A heck and a half,
especially if you do it buck naked.

There's another way to check what's going
on in your engine - crawl inside and look.

Unbelievable as that may sound,

tomorrow, Tim and l are actually gonna
shrink down and go inside this engine.

- And how are we gonna do that, Tim?
- Our favorite place to buy shrink rays

had them on sale -
Shrink Rays R Us.

lt's a small place,
small staff, little cash registers...

- Tim.
- ...little tiny people...

Tim.

We will now give you a demonstration
of how the shrink ray works.

Care to be belittled?

That's my job, Tim.

(grunts)

Come on. Come on.

Hey!

- Well, it's a small world after all.
- Ugh, please!

(Wilson) My, my, my.

We've got the leg on. What do you think
of Dad's birthday present?

That is very impressive -
a man made out of tools.

l think you boys have inherited
your father's mechanical abilities.

Yes, indeedy.

Hey. Tin Man Tim's
really starting to look like Dad.

Yep. He's even got
a stomach full of beer and corn nuts.

Look what we used for the nose -
needle-nose pliers.

Cool. What is that steel wool
supposed to be?

Oh, that's his chest hair.

Save some for his back.

- Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
- (boys) Nothing.

Making a gift for your handsome,
talented, studly father?

No, they're making one for you.

Get in here.

l got the whole birthday mapped out.
: , you guys shower me with gifts.

Then you fix me the thickest,
juiciest steak you can find,

baked potato, lots of butter, sour cream,
season it with a little salt -

cups.

Then when the little velociraptors
go to bed,

you and l retreat
to our private love nest.

Oh, no. Not the garage again.

l made it better this year.
l shellacked the workbench.

You shellacked the workbench last year
and it didn't dry in time.

That's why you weren't moving.

Tim, you are almost . lsn't it time
for you to celebrate a birthday in a bed?

l may be reaching the big - , but l have
the strength of a man half my age.

Does this feel like
the body of a -year-old?

Stop. Don't.

Yeah. A -year-old who's deluded.

You're just jealous
'cause men age better than women.

Oh, really? Then how come
ever since l went back to school,

these young college guys have been...
hanging around me?

l don't know.

Maybe they're away from home for
the first time and they miss their mommies.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

Today, those minimechanics from Binford
will actually go inside a troubled engine.

Are you guys in there?

- (Tim) ls this engine knocking, Al?
- (Al) No, l think that's Heidi.

Hi, Heidi.

Welcome, everybody,
to the inside of a Chevy small-block .

Al and l are standing inside
of a Carter AFB carburetor.

- l love what you've done with the place.
- Really?

l thought the throttle butterflies
were a bit busy.

Oh, no. Not at all.

The problem with this engine is it has low
compression in the number three cylinder.

- That's where we'll be headed.
- That's right.

Now, traveling through an engine
is dangerous.

So don't try this at home
unless you too are four inches tall.

Right.

All right, Al.
Are you ready?

- l'm ready.
- (engine revs)

(both) Whee!

Whoa... aah!

Heidi, turn off the motor!

All right.
When compression is the problem,

what you wanna look for
is a worn piston or cylinder wall.

A good indication of that
would be piston slap.

You don't wanna slap any Detroit Pistons
because they slap back.

Well, the piston
and cylinder wall look fine.

The next thing you wanna look at
is burnt exhaust valve.

There's your problem, mister.
That exhaust valve is burnt to a crisp.

Yes, it is.
Well, now that we've found the problem,

what we need to do now is replace that
burnt valve and rebuild the cylinder heads.

And that could be an awfully big job.

lt takes a big man to admit he's too small
for a big job on a small-block engine.

Well, l couldn't have said it better myself.

l'm not sure you could have said it, Al.

All right, Heidi.

Start the motor.

And bring us home.

Whoa!

OK, Heidi, make us big again.

Well, it's good to be full-sized tool men
once again. Right, Al?

- (Al) Tim! Tim!
- Al?

Tim. Tim, l'm down here!

- Al.
- Whoa!

Hey.

Help me!

Guess that reverse shrinking ray
doesn't work on everybody.

So on your way out tonight,

if you step on something flannel
and squishy and real little, it could be Al.

Tim! Do something!

- Hey, Felix.
- Hey, Timmy. How are you doing?

- Hey, Tim.
- Harry.

- Hey, Benny. Good to see you.
- Timmy.

- Ever get that metal sliver out of your eye?
- l took your advice.

l used a magnet.

- How's business?
- lt's great now that you're here.

- l'm in a buying mood today.
- All right.

Pro hacksaw.
l need a saw blade.

And - what the heck? -
a round of screwdrivers for everybody.

Hey! Thanks, Timmy.

- How's your plumbing business going?
- Oh, never a dull moment.

You wouldn't believe
what l found in a stopped-up toilet.

- lt was the size of a house cat.
- (both) Ugh.

Actually, it was a house cat.

What else can l get for you, Tim?
Nuts? Bolts?

No, thanks. l am looking for
needle-nose pliers. Mine are missing.

That's funny. This morning
l couldn't find my pipe wrench.

lf this keeps up, l'm organizing
a neighborhood tool watch.

Drop-forged chrome steel, cushioned grip.
These any good?

Oh, yeah. And l got a special on 'em -
buy a dozen, get one free.

Who needs a dozen of these, you know?

l can't pass up a freebie like that.

l love this guy.

Hey, Tim.

- Have some jerky.
- All right.

''Tubby John's Jerky.''
Take a stick, guys. Felix?

None for me, Tim.
My doctor got me on a low-fat diet.

Just started, huh?

My father ate this stuff every day of his life
and he lived to be .

All l know is that fatty stuff
will clog up your hoses.

- Oh, come on, Felix.
- Yeah.

Aw, if you're a real man,
you can eat whatever you want.

lt's like they say -
fat builds muscle.

- Who says?
- Tubby John.

Right next to the warning
by the Surgeon General.

Benny's right. l eat this stuff all the time,
and l'm as fit as when l was in the service.

l heard the only service you got into
was the postal service.

l heard you had a rough battle
with a poodle on your route.

OK. l happen to have been in the Marines.
You guys know that.

And we used to do push-ups on our fists.

Hey, check this out. Count how many
l can do in a minute. Ready?

One, two, three, four, five...

That all you can do? Five?

You act like you're
having a heart att*ck.

l think l might be.

(Felix) Take it easy.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh.

Look what l got for you - the thickest slab
o' beef in all Detroit and your seasoning.

Cancel the steak, the seasoning,
and, as much as l don't wanna say it,

cancel our shellac party in the garage.

- What are you talking about?
- Harry had a heart att*ck.

Harry the hardware store guy?

He's OK, though.
lt was a minor heart att*ck.

lt was like a wake-up call for me.

l could've been the guy on the floor getting
mouth-to-mouth by a -pound plumber.

- You?
- Yeah.

Harry and l go way back.
He's in great shape.

l played high school football with this guy.

l thought you were the team towel boy.

l'm trying to make a point here.

l gotta eat better. The doctor said
-year-old men should take better care.

He called me middle-aged.

You are not middle-aged. You're barely ,
and, as l recall this morning, you were .

And look how time flies.

l wake up , by noon l'm .
At dinner l'm dead.

By tomorrow morning l'll be remarried.

- You get carried away, don't you think?
- No, l don't think. l'm not a kid anymore.

Tim, look at you. You're in great shape.
You have incredible energy -

sometimes too much energy -
you are not gonna have a heart att*ck.

Maybe not,
but other things could k*ll me.

Tell me,
what is this ugly lump on my neck?

Your head.

Can't anyone have a conversation
without somebody being sarcastic?

Tim, it is a pimple.

This is not a pimple. This is fibrous.
There's cords attached, things happening.

You're right. lt is serious.
They should make a movie -

Indiana Tim and the Pimple of Doom

- OK, make your stupid jokes.
- OK. Two pimples walk into a bar...

l'm not laughing.
Tomorrow, l'm calling every doctor l know.

Cardiologists, radiologists,
anesthesiologists, orthopedic...

Tim, stop acting like your life
is gonna come to an end.

End, end, end. Good.
Proctologist.

- What are you doing?
- What does it look like l'm doing?

Losing your mind.

What does that thing look like right there?

lt's a pimple. The whole seventh grade
is covered with them.

Maybe you're right.

Although, from this angle,
it does kinda look like a boil.

- Here are the candles. That looks good.
- Hey, Mom.

- Hey.
- (Brad snis)

What's that smell?

lt's your father's birthday dinner,
thank you very much.

lt usually doesn't smell that bad
till an hour after he eats.

lt's cauliflower.
Would you guys set the table?

Your dad wants to eat healthier, so l'm
making steamed vegetables, rice, chicken,

and birthday watermelon for dessert.

Just because Dad thinks he's dying,
why do we have to suffer?

Dad isn't really gonna die, is he?

No, honey.
He's probably gonna live forever.

He's already survived fire, electrocution
and crashing through a Porta Potti.

- Then why is he so worried?
- Honey, your father will get through this.

You know, all guys go a little
off the deep end when they hit .

They get insecure,
they obsess about every gray hair.

And pimples in places
l don't even wanna know about.

Hi, Wilson.

Howdy, neighbor.
Working on a flush?

- What?
- l see you're holding a pair of spades.

Oh, l k*ll myself.

l feel like my body's falling apart.

Really? Seems to me
you've always been in excellent health.

l was till Hardware Harry
turned into Heart att*ck Harry.

Oh, yes, indeed.
l heard about that.

- Hmm. How's he doing, Tim?
- Oh, he's just fine.

l don't know about me, though.
This really affected me, Wilson.

l can understand your reaction. years
ago, l was affected by a similar event.

- Someone close to you had a heart att*ck?
- Oh, yes. Someone very close.

Me.

What?

You never told me you had a heart att*ck.
What happened?

An acute thrombus
occluded my myocardial artery,

which was already partially obstructed
by sclerotic plaque.

Were you not eating right
or not exercising?

No. Even before my heart att*ck,
l enjoyed the same lifestyle as l do now.

l ate well, got plenty of rest,
l exercised regularly.

- What about stress?
- Didn't have any. You hadn't moved in yet.

What did you do? lf it happened to me,
l wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

For a long while there, Tim, l couldn't.
l refused to take any risks.

l even canceled my long-awaited trek
up Mount Kilimanjaro.

That was a good choice. You don't wanna
climb anything starting with ''k*ll a man.''

Actually, Tim, after a while l did go,
and it was one of the highlights of my life.

What made you change your mind?

l realized how lucky l was.

My heart att*ck didn't k*ll me,
so why act like it did?

(grunts) Well, well, well...

The Roman rhetorician Seneca once said:

''lf we let things terrify us,
then life is not worth living.''

Shouldn't make a mountain
out of a... pimple.

Or any kind of epidermal oddity.
Happy birthday, Tim.

Thanks, Wilson.

Jill.

Did you know that Wilson
had a heart att*ck years ago?

He did? Oh, no. You're not gonna
get all crazy about that now, are you?

No. He's OK with it
and so am l.

Apparently, he listened
to an old Rotary named Sonoco.

He said, ''Life isn't worth living if you have
to pay for electricity while you're in Rome.''

ls it worth living if you're a tool man?

l overreacted with Harry.
He's not me and l do take care of myself.

Which is probably
why you teased me so much.

Well, to tell you the truth, that cr*ck about
Pimple of Doom was a little mean-spirited.

But funny.

You're starting to act like me.
When in doubt, go for the joke.

Well, it is a good way to deal
with things that are uncomfortable.

l didn't like hearing
you talk about not being around.

Oh, so you like having me around?

Well...

let's put it this way.

l put so much hard work into you,
l'd like to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

- Enjoy that?
- Very fruity.

Oh, oh.
l have some news that you will enjoy.

- Your medical team called.
- Let me see.

And reported the following.
No, no, no. l wanna read it.

Your cholesterol is low.

Blood pressure perfect.

You have the heart rate
of a marathon runner.

Your pimple is a pimple.

And you are not pregnant.

l was so hopeful.

That's good news.
l'm a lucky guy.

- Got three great kids.
- And a great wife.

And a great wife.
And a great hot rod.

l never thought l'd ever have
a hot rod that beautiful...

Let's get back to
that wife thing, OK?

- And my wife.
- Yeah, your wife.

l'm glad l turned with you.

And l'll be glad
when l turn with you.

'Cause by then
the boys will be gone.

And we can go out to the garage
any time we want.

Except by then
we'll need jumper cables to get started.

Are you still gonna kiss like that
when you're ?

lt'll be better.

Won't have my teeth
to get in the way.

Hey!

Hey!

This is a guy made out of tools.
Look at this.

- Yeah, it's a tool man for the tool man.
- And we made it all by ourselves.

- This is wonderful. Look at what they did.
- Check this out.

Hey!

Beer and corn nuts.

Needle-nose pliers.

These are my tools.

Well, you always say,
''When it comes to tools, use the best.''

This is great, guys.
This is really great.

Honey, it will take a lot to top this.

l think l'm up to the challenge.

- Are you over your fear of death?
- Yes.

- You wanna live life to its fullest?
- Uh-huh.

What is the one thing
that you have always wanted?

(grunts)

- You didn't?
- l did.

Oh. Oh.

(grunts)

(man) Stand by. stand by Pull

(Tim) xcuse me. Captain
Does this look like a pimple to you?

l'm trying to make a point here.

l gotta eat better. The doctor said
-year-old men should take better care.

l just have no idea what to say.

Middle-aged.

l gotta start eating better.
The doctor said -year-olds...

l could see the wheels coming off.
Coming off there.

(Jill laughs)

OK, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.