04x05 - He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible

[bunniefuu]

The trick is,
l towel-dry my hair first,

wait about five minutes,
and then l put on the mousse.

Brad, you've been on the phone
for two hours.

Yeah. l've gotta go.
My mom's bugging me again.

All right. See ya. Bye.

You see Ashley all day at school,
then you spend all afternoon on the phone.

What could you have to say to each other?
Your life is not that interesting.

Maybe not to you. But Ashley
can't get enough of my mousse stories.

- (Tim) Hi, Jill.
- Hi.

- You won't believe what l got.
- Take it back.

Something to make your life easier.

Binford's new universal
fan-cooled central vacuum system.

ls that one of those things
where you stick the hose into the wall?

- That'd be the one.
- l have always wanted one of those.

The biggest, the best.
A Binford demo. Didn't cost me a cent.

Take it back.

l know what you're thinking,
but installation is a breeze.

That's what you always say,
and then the breeze turns into a tornado.

lt won't happen this time.
Come on, Jill.

(whimpers)

Don't make that face.

l'll keep it simple
and just do one room.

All l got to do is run a PVC tube down to
the basement, attach it to the central unit.

You swear that's all there is to it?

Just think - no more carrying a heavy
vacuum upstairs or back down the stairs.

lt's got a flexible hose with hand controls.

Convertible upholstery brush.

- Crevice attachment?
- Oh, yeah.

So long and narrow,
it'll suck the tonsils out of a cobra.

(makes sucking noise)

Well, it would be nice
to have a central vacuuming system.

Yeah. Give me a week,
this whole house will suck.

(belch)

- Hey, Mark.
- Hey, Dad. What happened?

- l'm trying to dry out the carpet pad.
- How'd it get wet?

- l made a little hole.
- Where?

ln a big water pipe.

Holy cow! What happened?

l ran into a little snag trying
to run the wiring back in through here.

l fixed the water pipe. l can get
the floor fixed before your mom gets home.

- (Jill) Hello! l'm home!
- Or maybe not.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

l thought you were at the library,
working on your paper.

l couldn't concentrate.
College boys kept bothering me.

- Were they hitting on you?
- No.

They thought l was the librarian.

- Where you going?
- l have to finish this paper.

lf l don't get it done, l'm gonna
be digging myself into a big hole.

So you could understand
how that sort of thing might happen?

Tim, there's a giant hole in the floor.

Oh, that's not a giant hole.
The Grand Canyon would be a big hole.

You told me
the hole was gonna be this big.

- l had to move the water pipes...
- The same old story every time.

You come up with some idiotic idea,
l say no, you make a pathetic little face,

then l give in, and before l know it,
you're pulling up the floor.

l can't even use my computer.

Just once, l'd like to come home
and find the house in one piece.

- lt would have been but you were early.
- So this is my fault?

ln a way, yes. You'd have never known
about this if you had proper study habits.

Tim, please. Just fix the hole.
Then fix the one in your head.

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

l'll get it.

- Marty?
- Hey, Tim!

- Come on in.
- What are you doing? Hi.

- What are you doing?
- l'm in town on a sales trip. Thanks.

Hey!

- Good to see you.
- You, too.

- Honey.
- (Jill) l'm not talking to you.

- Little argument.
- Uh, the hole?

The hole, yeah.

- Jill, my brother's here.
- Danny?

- No, the one that doesn't owe me money.
- Marty!

- Marty! How are you?
- Hey, Jill.

How's Nancy? How are those little babies?
Oh, this is such a surprise!

- Tim, you used the good towels?
- l didn't want to ruin my shop towels.

- Did l, uh, come at a bad time?
- No, it's fine. Everything's fine.

lt is. Fine.

So, since it's fine, hop over the Grand
Canyon and tell us what's happening.

Hey, look. l'm sorry for just showing up like
this. l tried calling, but the phone was dead.

The phone is dead?

That must have been
that bunch of wires l sawed through.

Brad, l'll tell you when.

- l'm really glad you showed up.
- You missed me, huh?

No. lf you hadn't shown up, Jill would still
be chewing me out over this little hole.

She will not fight in front of company. So as
long as you're here, she won't yell at me.

l wish Nancy was more like that.
She doesn't care who's around.

Remember she yelled at me
at Uncle Henry's memorial service?

Marty, you lost the man's ashes.

l didn't lose them.
l got into the convertible...

Which was your first mistake.
And you're lucky l saved your butt.

Do you know how many cigars
l had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?

- How much longer till the water's back on?
- lt'll be on in a minute.

l'm gonna put you up in Brad's room.
l'll put all the kids together.

l wish Nancy and the twins had come.
l'm dying to see 'em.

lt's just a quick trip.

Brad, turn the water on!

OK, Brad.

Brad, you got to shut it off.

- Almost there.
- Tim.

May l, uh, speak with you privately?

lt'd be kind of rude
in front of our company, wouldn't it?

Sure you can't stay
more than a couple of days?

Maybe a year?

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right! Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor. Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time.
l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

lt's always a pleasure to share the spotlight
with someone special in my life.

My brother Marty's here.

My youngest brother Marty's here.
The only brother l can still b*at up. Right?

Tim. Are you gonna introduce me,
or do l have time to run to the cleaner's?

OK, Al.

And you all know my assistant Al Borland.

(cheers. whistles and applause)

Today, we will be talking about abrasives.

That's right. Abrasives can be used from
anything from your car to family heirlooms.

- ''To family heirlooms''?
- Like silver.

- Silver?
- Jewelry.

- Jewelry?
- l can go on.

Well, you spend all the time you want
polishing your family jewels.

But we're talking about car finishes.

We've got several hoods out here.

Matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods
backstage waiting for Al.

He's apparently a little late
on his flannel payment.

You know, one of these days
you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.

Oh, l don't think so, Al. Not with
my Complete Flannel Joke Book.

''Why did the flannel cross the road?

'''Cause Al was over there.

''Hey, waiter,
there's a fly in my flannel.

''Please, take my flannel.''

There's also
the handy wallet-size version.

''How do you keep an idiot
wearing flannel in suspense?

''l'll tell you tomorrow.''

lf the finish on your car
is in good shape,

what you need is a mild abrasive
before you wax.

We recommend
Binford's Polishing Compound.

That's right. A dab on a soft cloth, and
you'll have a shine you can be proud of.

Look! l can see myself.

lf you want to remove oxidation
you need something a bit more abrasive.

Like a can of Tim's personality.

Of course, a can of your personality
would be empty.

We recommend Binford's Super
Rubbing Compound before polish or wax.

Right. This surface cannot be brought
back. We need to take the paint off of it.

For that, we need
something more abrasive,

maybe an -grit wetdry sandpaper.

Exactly. That'll remove your paint
and you can start from there.

But for even more abrasive things,
we move on to... sandblasters.

(Tim grunts)

Open-shoe grinders.

And the most abrasive of all...

the nagging wife.

- What did you think of Tool Time today?
- Oh, it was great.

But only in this country could
a goof-off like you get his own TV show.

God bless America, huh?

- Want something to drink?
- A beer would be great.

- Hey, how's it going, Tool Man?
- Hey, Paul.

Two cold ones.

l'm not sure Jill's gonna be crazy
about that abrasive bit.

l save the bits that'll make her mad
for when she's already mad.

- That way, l can't lose.
- You're always thinking.

l had that abrasive bit worked out
weeks ago, but we're getting along,

l couldn't use it.

So, uh... you and Jill fight a lot?

- Depends what you mean by ''a lot.''
- How about all day, every day?

That would be a lot.

- You talking about you and Nance?
- Yeah.

Seems like ever since we had the babies
all we do is fight.

Good sh*t. lt's only been six months.
Give it a chance.

When Brad was born,
l had to make a lot of adjustments.

l had to wait in line
for Jill to give me a bath.

When l get home,
l don't even get a ''Hello.''

l didn't care if she said hello,
l just wanted my bath.

Nice sh*t.

- lt's that old dart injury l have.
- Yeah. Old dart injury!

No, l'm serious, you know.
l come in from work,

Nancy throws me the babies
and says she needs a break.

Get used to it.
Having twins is a lot of work.

l mean, just breastfeeding them's
got to leave her feeling drained.

- Remember that Cyclone ride?
- Oh, l loved that Cyclone.

l loved it.
You couldn't stand it.

l feel like l'm on it now.

l swear, you know,
my life just feels totally out of control.

Ever since we had the kids,
it seems like everything's fallen apart.

You saying you wish
you didn't have the kids?

l don't know. l just know Nancy and l
got no relationship anymore.

- lt's not that bad.
- lt's pretty bad.

How bad?

l'm thinking of leaving her.

- What? Are you crazy?
- lt wasn't supposed to be like this.

- lt was meant to be leaving your family?
- l've done a lot of thinking.

Think about this. You're gonna go home,
grow up, and act like a man.

- Don't tell me what to do.
- You're acting like an idiot.

- Don't call me an idiot.
- But you're running out on your family.

This is just like you. You never commit
to anything. Remember Boy Scouts?

You're comparing my marriage
to the Boy Scouts? l don't need this.

- l thought you'd be the one to understand.
- l understand you're being selfish.

The hell with you.
l don't need this. Here.

- Thanks. Thanks a lot.
- That's not gonna cover the beers.

Come on, Marty!

You gonna run out on me like your family?
You gutless loser!

And he's the brother l like!

Hey, Mom, when are we gonna eat?
l'm starving.

Your dad and Uncle Marty are bringing
home pizza. They should be back soon.

Ever since you went back to school
you've hardly cooked anything.

Yeah, l'm sorry.
lt's been really hectic.

l wasn't complaining.

- So, what are you studying?
- Randy.

l came outside because
l wanted you guys to stop bothering me.

l gotta get this paper
for my psych class written.

- What's it on?
- Mood disorders.

You should do very well.

Mom, l thought you said
Dad fixed the telephone.

Honey, l'm working here.

l'm sorry. But l was talking to Ashley
and we kept getting disconnected.

She lives around the corner.
Just go over there.

- How long can l stay?
- Till one of us graduates.

Cool.

- Where's the pizza?
- Pizza?

lt's... lt's being delivered.

You forgot the pizza.

- Marty's fault.
- Where's Marty?

- l don't know.
- You forgot the pizza and Marty.

After Tool Time,
we went to Big Mike's to have a beer.

We started talking.
He's thinking about leaving Nancy.

- What?
- Said their relationship had deteriorated.

l don't think he knows
whether he's coming or going.

- Oh, my God. Nancy must be devastated.
- He hasn't told her yet.

- He told you before he told her?
- l'm the only one that knows.

Me and everyone at Big Mike's. Put
a big crimp in happy hour, l'll tell you that.

- Did you try and talk him out of it?
- Of course l tried to talk him out of it.

- Told him you don't bail out and run away.
- That was good.

You just admit your life is over
and take it like a man.

- ''Your life is over''?
- Yeah...

The bad part of it's over.

The good part of it is just beginning.

- l hope Marty's OK.
- He'll be all right. He just needs to cool off.

When he comes home,
you should have him talk to me.

No, he's my brother.
He's my problem.

When you marry somebody,
you marry their whole family.

What would you do
if my sister was in trouble?

Run like the wind.

(humming)

- Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
- Tim, l'm pondering my Bonseki.

lsn't it funny
how guys never get tired of doing that?

(chuckles)

No, no, no, no, no, Tim.

A Bonseki is a miniature
Japanese rock garden.

- Wow. Let me see.
- Don't touch it.

Zen Buddhists believe that by
contemplating its tiny landscape

one can achieve
greater understanding.

Maybe it'll help me understand what's
wrong with my brother. We had a fight.

Really? l thought
you two got along rather well.

Oh, we usually do. When my dad d*ed,
he was only one, l was .

Mom went back to work
so l took care of him a lot.

- Hm. That's a lot of responsibility.
- Yeah. lt was a lot of good times, too.

l taught him how to do all sorts of stuff -
hawk a loogie, sh**t a spit wad.

Boy, no one teaches spitwad sh**ting
better than me.

Well, l'm aware of that. Your boys have
launched a few wet ones over my way.

Taught him how to ride his bike,
drive his first car.

So what you're saying is
you were part father, part brother.

Yeah. Kinda like a ''frother.''

l'm afraid Marty's about to make a big
mistake and there's nothing l can do.

- You wish you could do something.
- Yeah.

l spent most of my life
taking care of him.

The Roman orator
Appius Claudius Caecus once said

that every man is the architect
of his own fortune.

Now, Marty is a man.
He's not a boy anymore.

When he was a kid,
he'd listen to me anytime l wanted.

All l had to do was tie him to a tree and
pour root beer on his pointed little head.

Tim, l think what your brother needs
is for you to be a brother and a friend.

lnstead of a ''frother,''
more of a ''briend.''

- ln a manner of speaking.
- Night, Wilson.

- Sayonara, Tim.
- Uh, marinara to you, too.

- Hey, Marty.
- l just came to get my stuff.

- Marty, stick around.
- Why?

You want to rip into me some more?

- Look, l'm sorry l did that at the bar, OK?
- You made it real clear how you feel.

l've had time to think about it.
l think we should talk.

Stick around, have something to drink?
What do you want?

Anything but root beer.

l guess we're past me tying you up
and pouring root beer on your head, huh?

lt's like the Roman guy Apricot said:

''lf you roam around with architects,
buy rocks, put 'em in the sand,

''and you'll understand.''

Let me think about that.

Where'd you go after the bar?

Ah. l waited outside for you to leave,
then l ducked back in.

You know -
had a beer, ate a sandwich.

Counted the flies on the pest strip.

(both) .

l used to take care of things for you.
l can't do that anymore.

l wasn't asking you
to take care of anything.

l want...

- l just wanted you to listen.
- Fair enough. Good.

l'm listening.
Tell me what's going on.

Nancy and l don't have
any time together anymore.

l knew raising the twins was gonna
be hard, but l didn't know it'd be like this.

She and l used to reach for each other
in the middle of the night.

Now we're reaching for the babies.

Little brother, this is real common.
Everybody goes through this.

When you were first dating and first
got married, you grabbed for each other.

Once you have kids,
it's the end of that tune.

There hasn't been any music
in our house in six months.

Whoa.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

No wonder you're so cranky.

l know it feels like
the band packed up,

but once the kids grow up a little bit more,
there's much more time for you and Nancy.

- You're saying the band will come back?
- Maybe not all of the band.

But at this point, you're probably happy
with a kazoo and a whistle.

You're saying things are gonna get better?

There's no guarantees,
but things got better for Jill and l.

But you're telling me l shouldn't leave.

l'm not gonna tell you that. l can't do this.
You gotta make your own decision here.

l can't imagine my life without Nancy.

l can't imagine
any other woman havin' ya.

l hate the idea of leaving the kids.

When they're not puking and pooping,
they're really cute.

They do grow out of that, you know.

Help me fix the distributor
on the hot rod, will you?

l'm looking forward to the day l pick up one
of the kids and nothing gooey sh**t out.

You gotta wait a while.

But then it gets fun.
They walk, they talk.

You can roughhouse with 'em.
Teach 'em to be guys like us.

Tim. They're girls.

Are they?

- They're awful hairy for girls.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, then, teach them
how to stay away from guys like us.

- Don't want 'em around guys like us.
- You don't want around guys like us.

- lt'd be no good.
- No good. Break this thing, l'll k*ll you.

(Jill) Well!

l finally finished my paper in peace and
quiet. Wilson let me do it over at his house.

lf you were really smart,
you'd have let him write it.

- Did Marty call?
- Yup. He sounded pretty good, too.

lt's a struggle when you're starting out.
Remember those fights we use to have?

Who could forget yesterday?

Yeah, but we know that you're
not leaving me and l'm not leaving you.

So you forgive me
for putting a hole in the floor?

- That depends. Does the vacuum work?
- (scos) ''Does the vacuum work?''

Watch this.

(switches vacuum on)

(switches vacuum o

(mouths)

You should always back up your work.

What we recommend
is Binford's Super-Duper...

Watch this.

(switches vacuum on)