04x08 - Quibbling Siblings

[bunniefuu]

All right. Our next gadget
here on Gadget Corner

is a car safety device
known as the Snooze No More.

That's right. Stick this little bad boy in
your ear like this, adjust it for your level,

and when you're driving
you won't go to sleep.

(gadget beeps)

lt's also good when Aunt Agnes stops by
to talk about her kidney stone operation.

Uh-huh. Was it painful?

(gadget beeps)

Did you save any of the stones?

- (beep)
- All right. Next up on...

You can videotape that,
watch it backwards. They put it back in.

(beep)

- l'm sure you'll like our next gadget, the...
- (beeps)

(continuous beep )

(beep stops)

- All right. Our next gadget here on...
- (beep resumes)

...on Gadget Corner...

(beep stops)

All right. Say your boots are sopping wet
from a rainstorm at the job site.

- Come home, what do you do?
- Go to Binford's electric boot dryer.

Let's show how it works.
Heidi, wet boots, please.

These boots have been sitting in this
scalding hot brine solution for two days.

Whoo! These babies are wet.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

- Where'd you get those boots?
- Out of your locker.

- Those are my dress work boots.
- Yeah, a word to the wise, Al.

Always lock your locker on Gadget Day.
But in one minute, they'll be dry as a bone.

l don't think so. Binford's
electric boot dryer takes overnight to work.

That's before l gave it a watt boost.
Watch this.

My boots are smoking!

That's probably because they're on fire.
Put them in the water, quick!

Oh, well, now they're all wet a--
Ah, jeez.

Now it's time to use
the boot dryer again.

This could be
a very long show at this rate.

- Hey, good job, Dad.
- Thank you, son.

Timihana!

- Hello.
- How was school?

lt was great. l got my first A!

Cool!

Congratulations.
Well, that goes on the refrigerator.

No. No, Tim.

This is a paper on abnormal sexuality.

Put it up in the bedroom.

We don't need it.

Not only did l get an A,
l got the highest grade in the class.

Everybody really is mad at me
because l wrecked the curve. l love school.

l'm very proud of you.
Your first A.

l'm still waiting for mine.

- (phone rings)
- l'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Al.
Yeah, he's right here.

- Don't tie up the line, l'm waiting for a call.
- l own the line.

Hi, Al. What's up?

Really? That's too bad, Al.
lt really is.

l know how much the guy meant to you.

Wow, that's weird.
That really is weird.

No, don't worry about tomorrow.
l got it covered. l can do it myself.

OK, take as much time as you want.
Thanks. Bye.

- What happened?
- Al's favorite bingo caller d*ed.

Oh, no.

Al said his last words were, ''B- and G...
l think l'm having a heart att*ck.''

- Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah.

Worse than that,
Al was one away from bingo.

Dad,

since Al's not going to be there tomorrow,
do you think l could be your assistant?

- You mean, you take Al's place?
- Yeah.

l mean, l know a lot about tools,
and l can say, ''l don't think so, Tim.''

- What about school?
- l'd only miss a couple of classes.

lt's in the afternoon. Would you miss
the important ones? You know, like shop?

Nah, just history and math.

- ln that case, all right, yeah.
- All right.

OK. First thing is Heidi introduces us,

then we tell 'em it's Craft Week,
then we begin the project.

But the best part is
l get to use the scroll saw all by myself.

No, no, no, no. Best part is, l get
to work side by side with my eldest boy.

- Tool Dad, Tool Son.
- (both grunt)

- Now...
- (loud rock music)

Hey, hey, hey!

Could you please turn that junk down?

(turns music o
lt's not junk, it's heavy metal.

Are they banging their heads on their
guitars while getting their teeth drilled?

Hey, cool.
You saw the video.

Randy, stop bothering us. We're trying
to prepare for tomorrow's Tool Time

- What do you mean, ''we''?
- Al won't be there.

- So l'm gonna be Dad's new assistant.
- You?

Yeah. And not only that,
l get to hang out with Heidi.

l'll probably get her phone number.

Back the hormones up.

l don't want to bring the fire department in
to hose you down.

No big deal for them.
They're usually there anyway.

(siren wailing)

Hey, quit playing with my basketball.

- Why? You're not.
- Well, l am now.

So, did you hear
Brad's gonna be on Tool Time?

Yeah, they're doing a salute to doofuses.

Who'd want to be
on that stupid show anyway?

- Well, l would.
- Forget about it.

The only one who'll
ever get to be on that show is Brad.

Dad picks him to do everything.

Dad does a lot of things with me, too.

Oh, shut up.

l don't know. l think Dad
will let me be on Tool Time someday.

Yeah, well, don't hold your breath.

On second thought,
hold your breath.

We'll be using a number nine
medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw.

Oh, man. l'm gonna be awesome.

Hi, Brad.

Oh, uh, hi, Hodi. Um...

Ho, Heidi.

l mean, hi, Heidi.

You nervous about being on Tool Time?

Um... Tool Time?

Oh! Oh, yeah. That's it.

There's a trick l use
to calm myself down before a show.

l just picture everybody
in their underwear.

- l don't think that's gonna work.
- You'll be fine.

- Almost ready to go, Heidi?
- Yeah.

Little nervous? Use a little trick
l use to calm myself down.

Just picture everybody naked.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Now here he is, the star
of the show, Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor,
and we have a special treat for you today.

Al's not here!

(audience groans)

Hey, pal, sit back down!

Got a special guest assistant for you.

l want you to give a big, warm
Tool Time welcome to my oldest boy,

Brad ''The Tool Boy'' Taylor!

- Hi, everyone.
- (man) Hi.

Well, it's Craft Week here on Tool Time.
and we're doing our salute...

to scroll saws. We're gonna show you
how to use a Binford scroll saw.

Brad, why don't you tell us
what a scroll saw can do?

lt's used for cutting out
intricate patterns in wood.

Right. You can cut out intricate patterns
in coat racks, hat racks, pipe racks,

- or Tyrannosaurus racks.
- (roar sound eect)

What manly design are you cutting out?

A heart for my girlfriend Ashley.

Can't get much more manly than that.

l've already traced my design onto
a piece of three-quarter-inch clear pine.

Right. Heidi, the clear pine, please.

- Here you go, Brad.
- Hank you, Theidi. Um...

l mean, thank you, Heidi.

Could we?

- Sorry, Dad.
- Goggles.

Now, we'll be using a number nine
medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw.

Right.

Welcome to the Scroll Saw Grand Prix,
starring championship driver Brad Taylor.

He was in pole position at his first cut.
He keeps his fingers away from the blade,

on the advice of his crew chief
''Three Fingers'' Morgan.

A lousy crew chief but a great bowler.

Around that corner, there's no one
near him. Can he hold it? We don't know.

Watch this, for the grand...
(makes engine noises)

Watch out! The finish line...

Checkered flag!

- Good work.
- Thanks, Dad.

Watching that, l'm thinking maybe l'll make
Mom a heart instead of a pipe rack.

Aren't you gonna trace your design?

Son, you been scrolling as long as l have,
you don't need to waste time tracing.

- l want you to be my commentator.
- All right.

Welcome to the Scroll Saw .
Tim Taylor's at the wheel.

Uh-oh! All the other scrollers
are leaving the track!

They're afraid for their lives!

Now, the race is up to Tim Taylor.

All he has to do is finish the heart
and the victory's his.

Now, let me tell you, l bet my dad's
gonna make a great-looking heart.

He's at the finish line.

ls it great?

Um, Dad.

That doesn't look like a heart.

lt looks more like a kidney.

Well, yes, it does.

Well, a heart says, ''l love you,''

but a kidney says, ''l gotta go.''

Well, guess what.
And so do we.

We'll be right back
after these words from Binford.

I want to thank our special guest Brad
Taylor. who filled Al's tool belt admirably

With a few notches left over.
I might add

- Goodbye. everybody
- Nee you sex time

- See you next time
- Bye. folks

Brad, you were wonderful. l am so sorry
l had that test and l couldn't be there.

- Yeah, you were really good.
- You had them eating out of your hand.

One day, you'll have your own star
on the Tool Time Walk of Fame.

Right near mine,
and way ahead of Al's.

(phone rings)

- (Randy) l'll get it.
- Hey, don't bother.

l'm sure it's for me.
lt's probably Heidi.

Yeah, she just wants to know what time
she should come over to baby-sit you.

You're just jealous.

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Ashley.

- You loved the show?
- Not as much as Brad loves Heidi.

l'm gonna pound you, you little punk.
No, not you, Ashley. Um...

- # Brad and Heidi, sitting in a tree...
- Could l call you right back?

- # K-i-s-s-i-n-g...
- Hey, hey, let it go. Come on.

Just go call Ashley
upstairs from our room.

- What are you doing?
- Me? He's the one doing all the shoving.

- 'Cause you're acting like a jerk.
- Tim, Tim.

Randy, what's going on?

Nothing.

This is a big deal for Brad.
You should be happy for him.

You know, you're right, Dad.
Why don't l just throw him a parade?

His head's so big,
he could be a float.

So what do you think
is going on with Randy?

There's nothing going on.
He's just being Mr. Obnoxious.

Maybe he's reacting to his equally
obnoxious brother, Mr. Hot-for-Heidi.

You should know
she's a master electrician.

Yeah, right.

What we have here, honey,
is a simple case of sibling rivalry.

Exactly.

Which just proves,
Ms. Straight-A Student,

that l might know just about as much
about psychology as you do.

Oh, really?

What causes sibling rivalry?

Having more than one kid.

lt's the competition between siblings
for the love and attention of their parents.

- He's acting like this to get our attention?
- No.

l think he's acting like this
to get your attention.

- Why does he just want my attention?
- 'Cause you took Brad on Tool Time

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

This is classic Freud.
Transferring blame to the tool show host.

Look, all l'm saying is that l think
that Randy's feeling a little left out.

He wouldn't want to go on Tool Time
He doesn't like tools.

This goes way beyond Tool Time
You spend more time with Brad.

- No, l don't.
- Yes, you do.

Working on the hot rod together, talking
about what Brad's first car should be.

- He'll be the first to drive. He's the oldest.
- Exactly.

Randy is a middle child,
just like l was.

We're not going through
this middle-child thing again?

lt was very traumatic.
l was constantly overlooked.

When you went to the zoo, you never got
to see the animals you wanted to see.

Robin got to see the monkeys.
Katie got to see the zebras.

l've heard this story
over and over and over...

All l wanted to do
was see the wallabies.

Hey, Randy. l was looking for you.

- Well, you found me. See you.
- Wait a minute. l got an idea.

How would you like to be
on Tool Time with me next week?

Why?
ls Brad holding out for more money?

This is nothing to do with Brad.
lt'd be fun. We could do a project together.

No, thanks.

Heidi'll be there.

She's a master electrician.

- (Wilson) ls that you, Tim?
- Hi, Wilson.

Neighbor,
have you seen my fuzzy woolly bear?

No, and l'd like to keep it that way.

No, Tim. The fuzzy woolly bear
l'm referring to is a type of caterpillar.

Oh, there you are, little fella.

Just one question, Wilson.
Pet or dinner?

lt's a weather forecaster, Tim.

By measuring the width of the stripe
on the caterpillar's back,

l can tell you how long and cold
the winter's gonna be.

l wish l had a caterpillar
to tell me what to do about Randy.

He's upset
because he thinks l favor Brad.

- Well, do you feel that's true?
- No.

l do things with both of the guys, you know.

Brad and l go to sporting events, work on
the hot rod, build stuff with my tools.

Randy and l joke. l make jokes,
he makes jokes, we make jokes.

The jokes go back and forth. He jokes,
l joke. There's a lot of jokes going on.

- Sounds like you share your jocularity.
- No, he couldn't fit into mine.

Truth is, Wilson, l'm not that interested
in the things that Randy does.

Playing with his computer.
Listening to heavy metal music.

Reading books without ''illustrated''
on the cover.

Well, it sounds to me like it's just more
difficult for you to connect with Randy.

l guess so.

Well, Tim, l'm reminded of what
the Chinese philosopher Chuang-tzu said.

''You cannot speak of the ocean
to a well frog.

''You cannot speak of ice
to a summer insect.''

You can't speak Chinese to a tool man.

- What are you talking about?
- l'm saying if Randy is feeling overlooked,

maybe you have to try a little harder
to find a way into his world.

(grunts) Yeah, gotta get into his world.

- See you, Mom.
- Hey, wait. Where you going?

To the mall.
l'm just gonna meet a lot of my friends.

They're probably
just gonna tell me how great l am.

Brad, Brad, wait a minute.
Come back, l want to talk to you.

What?

l know that you were a guest star on
a low-rated cable show for a half an hour,

but don't you think
you're getting a little puffed up?

Well, l mean,
l can't help it if everybody loved me.

l don't think
that Randy loved you so much.

Mom, come on. l mean, Randy was a total
jerk. He made fun of everything l did.

Well, that's because
you got to be on TV and he didn't.

- So you're saying Randy's jealous of me?
- Yeah, a little.

Cool.

Brad, l want you to think about this.

How do you feel when Randy comes home
with a really great report card

and waves that around under your face?

- Not so cool.
- Yeah.

And, see, this is kinda harder for Randy,
because he's a middle child, just like l was.

Mom, Mom, please.
Not the wallaby story.

We went to the zoo every year.
Robin got to see the monkeys.

- Oh, no!
- Katie got to see the zebras.

(knock on door/door opens)

Hey, Randy.
How are things in your world?

- What?
- What are you doing?

Just finishing up
some biology homework.

- Need help?
- Nope.

Good.

l came up here
to talk about what's going on.

Nothing's going on.

Randy, something's going on,
and l'm pretty sure it's my fault.

What do you mean?

Well, this ancient Chinese ice-cream
salesman, Young Zoo, found that

frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk
'cause they were cold to one another.

- Sure thing, Dad.
- What l'm trying to say is...

lf it seems like l spend
more time with Brad than you,

it's because we share similar interests.

And l wish l was interested
in the same things you are, but...

Just because l'm not
doesn't mean l love you any less.

- Do you understand that?
- Yeah, l guess.

You know, of all the boys,
l figure you and l are the most alike.

Come on, Dad.
l mean, you and Brad are the most alike.

No, no. We share similar interests,
but you and l have similar personalities.

lf a guy's walking down the street
with his fly down,

if l can't come up with a joke,
l know you'll back me up.

Well, you gotta make the fly joke.

That's right.
You gotta make the fly joke.

- Hey, pal, you know your fly's down?
- lt's cheaper than air conditioning.

Zoom!

Hey, buddy.
You know your fly's down?

No, but l know ''Fly Me To The Moon.''
Hey! All right.

- What is that thing?
- lt's a disk with ombie Sneak att*ck on it.

Zombies, l love zombies.
Can two play this game?

Yeah.

- Let's play.
- All right.

- What are we waiting for?
- lt's gonna take a minute to boot up.

l still have that old L chip in it.
Not much power.

Are you saying
this thing needs more power?

Lemme open it up.
l can make this thing go faster.

Well, why don't we just save you the
trouble and throw it up against the wall?

(Tim on TV) Watch out! The finish line
Checkered flag!

Don't you ever get sick
of watching yourself on Tool Time?

Sh. Are you kidding me?

Every time l watch that videotape, l always
find something else l like about me.

You know, it's true what they say. You're
better on tape than you are in person.

Well... Do you really think l stunk?

Nah, l thought you did a jerrific tob.

Thanks. Hey, you wanna go play
some ombie Sneak att*ck?

Uh, can't do it.
Dad made a few adjustments.

Zombies won't be coming back
from the dead anymore.

- Well done, Dad.
- Thank you, son. Oop.

- You'll love our next gadget.
- That's right.

You're on the job site, it's been raining
all day, your boots are sop... soap...

Yes. Get...

(woman) Here we go. Replay.
Ready in five, four, three...