04x19 - The Naked Truth

[bunniefuu]

- (Tim) Focus on me, pull off Al...
- (man) We're going in seconds.

- (Jill) Tim?
- Hold on a second. What, honey? What?

Excuse me. There are trucks
double-parked all the way down the street.

You said that if you did Tool Time
from our bathroom,

it'd be you, Al, Heidi,
and one cameraman.

Wait till the audience gets here.

l'm kidding. l had to do something
to boost the ratings.

Oh, this'll be a real ratings-grabber.

''Hey, Myrtle, forget Hawaii. Let's just stay
home and watch Tim play with his toilet.''

OK, we're going. lf you're not in this sh*t,
get off the set. Let's go, let's go.

All right, we're going
in five, four, three, two...

Welcome to a very special Tool Time,
live from Tim's bathroom.

Now here they are, those princes
of porcelain, those titans of the toilet,

those jokers of the john,
those bad boys of the bowl,

- those...
- (Tim) Heidi!

Sorry. Tim Taylor and Al Borland.

lt's Water Conservation Week
on Tool Time,

and what better place
than here in the bathroom?

That's right. Today we'll show you
how to install low-flow aerators,

shower heads, and some
water-conserving devices for the toilet.

But first, a little Tool Time riddle.

What does the -yard line, behind home
plate, and your toilet have in common?

(makes buzzer noise)
The best seats in the house!

All right, now.

The standard toilet
uses about . gallons per flush.

You can lessen that
by displacing the water in the t*nk.

You do that by taking off the top
and filling that with large, heavy objects.

Now, we're not sure if it'll work, but we're
gonna have Al jump in there. Al, hop in.

l was talking more along the lines
of perhaps a brick, a bag of marbles,

or a plastic bottle filled with water.

Another way to conserve water,
if you can afford it, is a new toilet.

What we recommend is the Binford
series pressure-activated toilet.

lt only uses . gallons of water.
Better than any toilet on the market.

Not true. The toilet on the space shuttle
uses absolutely no water.

Thank you, Flush Gordon.

We'll be back with more toilet tips
after these few messages from Binford.

Don, do something about the lights in here.
What the heck is going on?

- (Al) Klaus? Klaus?
- (Heidi) Wardrobe?

They're towing cars.
lf you're double-parked, move 'em.

- All right, move the cars.
- Didn't you get permits?

- Hurry, hurry, let's go. Hustle, hustle.
- Hey, where are you guys going?

We're on!
We're on in five, four, three, two...

Welcome back to Tool Time, with those
kings of the can, those lords of the loo,

those thrill-seekers of the throne,
those heroes of the head,

- those...
- (Tim) Heidi!

Man, l can't wait till Saturday. Sherman's
bar mitzvah's gonna be awesome.

l thought you had to be Jewish
to go to a bar mitzvah?

Right, Mark.
And you have to be Swiss to eat cheese.

- What is a bar mitzvah, anyways?
- When a Jewish boy turns ,

they say a whole bunch of prayers, and
then his family throws him a huge party,

with lots of food and tons of presents.

Cool. You think if l start praying now,
l could have a bar mitzvah?

Yeah, Mark, why don't you do that? Then
tomorrow you can pray for a new brain.

l just hope l don't get yours.

Hi, kids.

Randy, l picked up your suit
at the dry cleaners.

l also got a bunch of stuff you left
in the pockets - a half-sucked candy cane

and a phone message
you never gave me.

Oh, yeah. Call Grandma.

Hey, honey.
You'll never guess who called.

My mother.

Yeah, but that was
a couple days ago.

Well, thank you. That's a week sooner
than you usually give me the message.

Well, l knew it was important.
My brother Marty called.

He and Nancy are driving down on Friday.
They want to stay over.

Oh, that's great!
l get to see the babies again.

Oh, no. The little pooper troopers
are staying with Mom.

He's got a job interview on Saturday.
lf he gets that job, l think they'll move here.

Great. We'd get to play
with those babies all the time.

And l get to play with
my baby brother.

You're not gonna put him
in a red ant hill again, are you?

l think l've grown out of
that kind of prank.

Give him atomic wedgies?

Way too old for that.

Fake vomit in the shoes?

Never too old for that.

lf l get this job, l'd be working for

one of the fastest-growing
sporting goods stores in the state.

lt's got through-the-roof potential.

Honey, that's just how l felt
when l started with Binford.

Yeah, and Tim's been through
seven or eight roofs.

Actually, six, and a Porta-Potti.

- You sure you don't want some pancakes?
- No, thanks.

Before an interview l don't eat heavy.

- My pancakes aren't heavy.
- (thud)

Here, try that one. (strains)

Ow!

l'm back.

- l just ran about five miles.
- All right!

- Did you call home? How is everything?
- My mom's fine.

l was talking about the babies.

l don't know.
They wouldn't come to the phone.

Ow!

- Where do they learn that?
- SWAT team.

l can't believe you! Your first morning away
from the kids. You could have slept in.

Nope.
l am determined to get my old body back.

lt's back.

l still have a few more pounds to lose.

Oh, you look great.
l'd take that body in a minute.

So would l.

- What does that mean?
- lf l had a body like that,

l could wear the jogging bra
l've always wanted to.

- l picture you more in a strapless push-up.
- Yeah?

Really, Nancy, how comfortable
is that bra? Does it chafe?

- l'm so sensitive in this area...
- Tim, enough with the bra.

l'm off to the job interview.
Wish me luck.

Hey, you don't need luck.
You're a Taylor.

That's right. You need directions.

That reminds me.
l got a map for you out in the car.

- Wrong way. Your car's out front.
- Of course it is.

- You want some pancakes?
- Oh, l'd love some.

But then l'd have to run
about another six miles.

l think l'll go take a hot shower. My back
gets stiff when l don't run on the track.

Well, that's good, but use our bathroom,
'cause Randy's been in his all morning.

- Oh, has he got a big date?
- Big bar mitzvah.

Oh, my gosh.
l gotta run out and get Sherman a present.

Do you want to borrow my earmuffs?
lt's really nippy out there.

No, Nancy, when l say ''run out''
l mean ''take the car.''

- l'll see you later. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

lt's started to clear up
out there, you guys.

Nancy?

Jill?

Hey, Jill?

- (shower running)
- Honey?

Jill?

Jill?

Jill.

- Hey!
- Tim!

You're...

You're not Jill!

l'll go now.

- l'm so sorry. l'm so sorry.
- (Nancy) No, no. l'm sorry.

l thought Jill was in there,
you're not Jill.

What l need is a sign-in sheet.
You know, ''Nancy in, Tim out.''

l shouldn't have used your bathroom. lt's
just Jill said Randy was in the other one.

There's nothing to explain.

For gosh sakes,
we're two mature adults

that happened to see
each other's hoo-hoos.

- This is embarrassing.
- lt is a little bit, isn't it?

Although why be embarrassed?

lt's not like we haven't seen
a naked body before.

l've seen thousands of 'em.

We have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah. Especially you!

Thanks.

Actually, when you think about it,
it's kinda funny.

- Yeah, it's funny. Yeah.
- Marty and Jill are gonna laugh at this.

l don't think it's that funny.

- You think they're gonna get upset?
- l don't think we should tell them.

lt was an accident.
They'll understand.

l don't think Jill will understand.

After all those jokes
l made about the jogging bra,

- l think it's best we just let it go. OK?
- You think we shouldn't say anything?

l think if we told them what we saw,
we'd be a couple of boobs.

Wilson, l want to
ask you a question.

(smashing noises)

- What are you doing?
- l'm practicing an ancient Greek tradition.

lt's said that
to fend off a flea problem...

you pelt the front
of your door with jugs.

Oh, don't use that word.

Um... l...

l inadvertently
saw my sister-in-law in the buff.

l walked in the shower, l thought Jill
was in there, and she was right there.

- Well, Tim, that sounds totally innocent.
- lt was.

But she's family,
and you expect family to give a reaction

like your - or -year-old grandma,
but...

Grandma never looked like that.

So you enjoyed seeing Nancy
in her birthday suit.

lt was a very happy birthday.
Yes, l did.

Well, Tim,
this brings to mind the great Buddha.

A cheese.

That's Gouda.

- l'm talking about Buddha. The prophet.
- Ah.

Even though l've always considered him
a pretty big cheese.

Anyway.

Buddha says men are conquerors if they
conquer the intoxications of temptation.

Yeah. Oh, that's... (grunts)

l have no idea what you just said.

l'm saying it's perfectly natural for a man
to be drawn to a woman he finds attractive.

l wish this hadn't happened.

lf l'm gonna walk in on a family member,
it should be my brother Brian's wife.

No, Grandma, mom's not here.

Yeah, she's having lunch
with Aunt Nancy.

All right, l'll give her the message.

OK, Grandma.
l'm writing it down right now.

OK. Love you too.

Sherman's bar mitzvah's
already over?

- No, but for me it's in limbo.
- What do you mean?

l, uh, split my pants
doing the limbo.

Where's Mom? l need her to sew these
back up so l can get back to the party.

- She's not here.
- What am l gonna do?

- l don't know.
- l know.

Staple me shut.

l hate to pry, fellas.

- What are you doing?
- Randy split his pants doing the limbo.

And you're using a stapler to fix it?

That's material on human flesh
back there, pal.

Let me get my hot glue g*n.

- So long, Dad.
- Wait, wait. l'm not done yet.

One brother stapling another's butt.

Brings back fond memories.

lt was never my intent to hurt you.
How'd it go?

- Got it. You're looking at the new manager.
- Congratulations!

Thanks a lot. l want to tell Nancy.
Have you seen her?

No. Why?

Just asking.
Hey, this is gonna be great, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- You and me back in the same city again.

Although... l don't know
if l can afford a house out here.

Come on, come on. We'll go look for one,
maybe a little fixer-upper.

And you know
who can do the fixing.

l'm hoping Al.

Hey! Nance, Jill. l got the job.

Oh, great!

l knew you would!

(Jill) Congratulations!
Welcome to the neighborhood.

(Marty) Thanks very much.

Thanks.

- Hey, l want to propose a toast.
- All right.

My new job, to Tim and Jill for all
your encouragement, and to my lovely wife,

- who's always been there for me.
- Congratulations, Marty.

Who l must say is looking
particularly delightful in this outfit.

Don't you think so, Tim?

l never notice what she's wearing.

l noticed what Jill's wearing.
And it looks lovely.

Thank you, sweetie. lt is gonna be
so great to have you living nearby.

- Tim and l can baby-sit for you any time.
- (Nancy) Great.

- They'll be walking and talking soon.
- l can't believe they're almost a year old.

Seems like just yesterday
you were pregnant.

l remember when you drove up to Saginaw
and surprised Nancy during her shower.

You know, speaking of showers...

Wait a minute.
lsn't that our song?

- We don't have a song.
- We do now. Let's dance.

Nance? Come on.

You OK?
You're acting even stranger than normal.

l'm all right.

You have a problem with Nancy? You
seem a little uncomfortable around her.

- l'm not uncomfortable.
- Good. 'Cause l think she's great.

The more l see of her,
the more l like her.

Me too.

- Hey.
- What?

l'm cutting in. l want to dance
with my beautiful sister-in-law.

What about me?

l'll dance with you next time.

Come on. ln the meantime,
you dance with your beautiful sister-in-law.

This is ridiculous. There is so much space
between us we could fit in another person.

OK.

Excuse me. Care to join us?

Hey! l don't go in for
that type of thing.

l really think
it's time we tell them what happened.

lt's too late. lf we wanted to tell 'em,
we should have told 'em right away.

l wanted to tell them
but you talked me out of it.

OK, OK, l agree. Next time we see
each other naked, we tell 'em right away.

- Boy, that was fun.
- What a dancer!

- Let's eat.
- Oh. OK.

- Well, OK, so what are we having?
- Lots of good choices here.

l think there's something
Tim and l should share.

Chicken and ribs!
How about that, huh?

l have the ribs, you have the chicken.
That works out. We'll do it that way. Good.

- That's not what l wanted to share.
- Well, uh...

Liver and onions. l'll take all the onions,
you know l like onions.

Shouldn't have too many of them, though,
'cause onions are, well, they, you know.

No.

The specials.
Mike, what are the specials?

All-beef wieners.
Your choice of buns.

(''La Cucaracha'' plays on jukebox)

What was it you were trying to say?

- That's our song, right there.
- ''La Cucaracha'' is our song?

# La cucaracha, la cucaracha

Tim and l saw each other naked.

# l didn't mean to, l thought it was you,
la la la la la la!

Hey, everybody, come on!

Well, was that
a fun evening or what?

Put me down for ''what.''

Will you let it go, Marty?
The whole thing was totally innocent.

Sure, to you and Peeping Tim here.

Marty, it was an accident, OK?

lt was like the first time that guy Buddha
sold his first naked cheese.

How can you feel
anything but pity for a man like this?

l don't like the idea that
you saw my wife with no clothes on.

Oh, grow up. Would it make you feel better
if you saw my wife with no clothes on?

Tim!

- Well...
- Marty!

Can you believe Marty?
He's the most immature guy l've ever met.

No. That would be the guy who thought
a fair trade would be to see his wife naked.

l was just doing that to calm him down.
Nobody wants to see you naked.

Thank you so much.

l'm sorry. What l meant was, other
than me, nobody wants to see you naked.

Look, it didn't bother me
that you saw Nancy naked.

l just don't understand
why you didn't tell me.

Nancy didn't think
it would be a good idea.

And so that's why she was the one
that brought it up at dinner?

She's a very complicated woman.

Admit it. You didn't tell me about it
because you liked what you saw.

l didn't like it.

l didn't hate it.

You liked what you saw
and you felt a little guilty about it.

No. l felt real guilty about it.

That's good.
lt proves one thing: l've trained you well.

Even though it was an accident,
you feel guilty. That's good. l like it.

This is pathetic. Because of you,

l can't even enjoy
the sight of another naked woman.

That is the nicest thing
you ever said to me.

l meant every word of it. Know what else? l
don't even remember what she looked like.

Yeah, right.

Well, that's my story,
and l'm sticking with it.

Besides, l do remember
why l went into the shower to begin with.

l thought you were there.

What exactly
were you planning on doing?

Jump in the shower, l'll show you.

All right.

(shower starts running)

# La cucaracha, la cucaracha

(Tim) # La la la la, la la la la la

# La la la la la la la la

Nancy, l'm in here. Nance. Nance!

- Surprise!
- Hey, Marty.

How you doing, big boy?

Here, get my back, will you?

We're gonna show you
how to install water aerators,

shower heads, and...

One of these.

They be put in the back of the thing
to make sure you compartmentalize...

This is ridiculous. There is so much space
between us we could fit another person in.

There's an idea.
Hey, buddy, you want to join us?

Hey!

Yeah.