04x26 - Wilson's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to Bachelor Week
right here on Tool Time.

If you remember,
yesterday Tim showed us
how to shave in the car

when you're running behind.

Today, it's Al's turn,

with a look at
the rough-and-tumble
world of...

Ironing.

Now, ironing used to be
a woman's domain.
But not these days.

Because they won't
do it for us anymore.

More importantly,
a man should know how
to do his own ironing.

Now, I think of an iron
as just another tool.

You can even hang it
from your tool belt.

But you don't want
to plug it in,

'cause there are certain
things you don't want ironed.

Historically, men have been
ironing for ages.

The first irons were made
of iron heated by fire.

This iron here was developed
to be heated by coal.

Then came the nine irons,

your tire irons,

and my personal favorite,
your Jeremy Irons.

He's so wonderful.

All right. Let's get
to ironing technique.

I like to start with the sleeve

and move on to the body
of the shirt.

Marv, if you want
to come in here.

I also like to start
with a light spray
from my mist button.

Let me show you
how the pros do it.

I'm talking about
the European tailors,

Chinese tailors,
Hong Kong tailors.

Tim Taylors.

We use the old gravity-feed
professional iron.

Yeah.

, watts,
volts, degrees.

(grunts)

I like a little starch
in my shirt,

so I'll starch her up.

Actually, Tim,
too much starch can
irritate the skin.

Yeah. Too much Al
can irritate Tim.

If you iron like Al,
it'll take forever.

European way,
professional way,
do it quick.

Steam going there.

And there you go.

(Brad) My life is over.

Randy, I've got a pimple.

I don't see anything.

It's one of those
under-the-skin ones.

It's gonna come out tomorrow.

Well, maybe we can throw it
a coming-out party.

Invite all the other pimples
in the neighborhood.

Randy, you don't understand.

Tomorrow night's my date
with Jessica Lutz.

What am I gonna do?

Send her fries
and a chocolate bar,
hope she breaks out too.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Dad.

I got a pimple on my nose,

and I got a date
with Jessica Lutz.

Come on. If she's
a real woman,

she's not gonna notice
a little zit on your nose.

She's a -year-old girl.

You're in trouble.
Big, big trouble.

What works for me
is a hot compress,

you bring the zit
to the surface, you pop it,

ding dong, the zit is dead.

Cool! Come on, Randy,
let's go soak my pimple.

Brad, I'm looking
for a hobby,
but that's not it.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, baby.
Hi.

You're a little late.
Mm-hmm. I took my teacher
Judith out for coffee.

Great move!

That'll guarantee you a C,
but if you want the A,
you gotta give cash.

That's not why I'm doing it.
I really like her.

That's great. Anyway,
I'm doing the hot rod.

I got the dash panel up.
Wanna take a look at it?

I just hate knowing
that Judith's going home
to an empty house, though.

A wonderful woman like that
should not be alone.

You know who would be
perfect for her?

Wilson.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, no!

You keep your filthy little
mitts off Wilson

Admit it, I'm on a roll.

I'm the one who set up
Al and Ilene.

You could have set Al up
with a mop with a wig on,

he would've been happy.

As a matter of fact,
I think you did.

They went to Chicago.
He had a great time
with her.

Wilson is lonely.

I think he likes being alone.

Besides, you just
can't set Wilson up

with some woman off the street.

She's not just some woman
off the street.

She's faced incredible
adversity.

Her husband left her alone

with two children
and no money when she was
years old.

She still managed
to get a Ph.D.

Like that's hard to do.

What exactly
is your problem here?

What exactly do you know
about this woman?

Ph.D., a couple of kids -

what about
the important things?

What kind of car
does she drive?

I don't know.
Some sort of station wagon.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I dated a station wagon once.
It was a nightmare.

Tim, I'm setting her up
with Wilson, not with you.

Well, if she's lonely,
have her get her own Wilson.

Aha!

I see what's going on here.

You're afraid that
if Wilson spends time
with Judith,

he's not gonna have
any time for you.

If they got married
and went on a honeymoon,
who would I talk to?

It could be a very
difficult week for me.

Well, that's true,
because then we'd
have to talk,

and that would be
a very difficult
week for me.

Hey, Wilson.

Well, hi-ho, neighborette.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm hanging replicas

of ancient clay bells
from Crete.

They're supposed to
attract friendly spirits.

What do you know?
Here I am.

(chuckles)

You know, I know we're
supposed to go over

to your house for dinner
tomorrow night,

but I was wondering
if you'd like to come
over to ours instead.

Well, I do appreciate
the invite,

but I've already
made the koftas for
my Malai Kofta curry.

Oh.

I just wanted to introduce you

to this professor
that I really like.

Well, I have
a cornucopia of koftas.

Why doesn't
the good professor
come over to my place?

That would be great!

You are really gonna
like her, Wilson.

Her?

Yeah. She is incredible.

She's funny, and smart,
extremely attractive,

and extremely available.

Jill, this wouldn't
by any chance be
a setup, would it?

A setup? No. No, no, no.
Definitely not a setup.

Well, I guess it'd be OK,
as long as there's
no pressure.

Absolutely none.
Good.

Although you might wanna
wear those gray slacks

and that blue sweater
that brings out the color
of blue in your eyes.

And you should puff up
your hair, 'cause you
get that hat-head thing.

Thanks, Dad.

Because of your
hot compress idea,

my zit is the size of a tomato.

I knew it'd bring
the blood to the surface.

I didn't think it'd make
a permanent home there.

Little kids are gonna
come up to me and think
that I'm a clown.

Come on, Brad, get over it.
They're not gonna do that.

Just in case, maybe
you should practice

making those little
balloon animals.

This is a nightmare.

I'm going out with Jessica
in a half an hour.

OK. This problem
needs a woman's touch.

Brad?

Wake up to makeup.

No, no.
I am not wearing makeup.

If I were you, I'd be
open to suggestions.

Rudolph.

(Wilson) Welcome, Taylors!

My, my, my,
what a lovely bromeliad.

(Tim) Wilson, I'm sorry
Jill roped you into this.

I did not rope him into this.
He's excited.
Aren't you excited?

Well, actually,
I'm quite nervous.

I haven't really
dated in years.

Well, I can give you
some pointers.

Oh, great.

This from the man who,
on our first date,

brought me a bouquet
of spark plugs.

No, really, Wilson.
When you're dating a woman,

they like to hear
stories that tell
how sensitive you are.

I knocked Jill out
with this one

where I saved a little
kitty-cat drowning
in a river.

Remember that?

You said it was an old lady.

Kitty-cat, old lady.
You married me, didn't you?

Don't listen to him.
Just be yourself.

You know, tell her about
all that interesting
stuff that you do.

Well, maybe I could tell her
of the time I was in India

and danced naked
while my body was pierced

by the swords of Siva.

Then again, you don't want
to reveal too much
on your first date.

(gong and panpipe doorbell)

OK, I'll get it.
(Wilson groans)

Oh, my.

Are you OK?

Actually, I'm experiencing
extreme diaphoresis.

I'm sweating like a pig.

Thank you.
Judith, this is
my husband, Tim.

Hello, Judith.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
How's Jill at school?

Does she listen to
and follow directions?

Work and play well with others?

Yes, but she gets
a little rambunctious
during nap time.

You should see her
at home. Whoa!

And this is Wilson.

Well, nice to meet you.
You too.

Jill has told me
so much about you.
It's all been great.

Well, I am flattered.

The only thing she didn't
tell me was your last name.

It's Wilson.
I thought that was
your first name.

Wilson is my first name.

Well...

It's not that unusual.
I'm actually Tim Tim.
This is Jill Jill.

Sorry sorry.

Would you like some white wine?

Yes, please.

I'll give you a hand.
Sure.

This is a very interesting
house, Wilson.

Or should I call you "Wilson"?

Judith, in addition
to being my professor,

mentor, friend, is also
a renowned author.

Oh, hardly renowned.
My book sold about
four copies.

Two of which were
to my children.

I wrote a book once.

How To Maintain
Your Bench Grinder.

That sold no copies.

Well, it was probably more
exciting than my book.

It was called
The Psychophysiological Indices
of Amorous Connections...

Among Termites
of the Southwest.

How did you know that?

Because I have read it.
It is wonderful!

I mean, it's practically
the Bible

for anyone interested in
the mating pattern of insects.

All two of you.

You see, I am quite the devotee

of what I humorously term
"insexuality."

(Judith laughs)

I can't believe
you actually read my book.

I've got it right here.
I'll show you.

We'll have to talk
some insects over dinner.

Yeah. 'Cause usually
over here we eat
insects for dinner.

(Wilson) Here it is.

You even dog-eared the pages.

Now it's my turn
to be flattered.

(chuckles)

I gotta start a dating service.

♪ You made me love you
I didn't want to do it

♪ I didn't want to do it

♪ You made me want you
And all the time you knew it

♪ You know you really knew it

You're darn right...
(sings) ♪ I knew it

Well, hi-ho, Tim.

Hi, there, Wilson.

I haven't seen much of you
in the last couple of weeks.

Well, I've been spending
a lot of time with Judith.

As a matter of fact,
I'm sculpting her bust
right now.

So things are going
pretty good, huh?

Oh, they are incredible.

As the Japanese would say,
Judith has become my aijin.

I don't follow.
Well, as they'd say
in Tanzania,

Judith has become
my rafiki yangu mpenzi.

In America, near Detroit,
what would they say?

They'd say
I am crazy about her.

You know, Tim, I'd love
to stay and chat,

but I have to make
dinner tonight.

I promised Judith
something romantic.

Like oysters?
No, I'm making haggis.

It's a sheep's stomach
served dumpling-style.

Mmm.

Hey!
Hi, sweetie.

Great news.

Wilson is making Judith's
breasts out of clay.

What?

You were right about them.
He's crazy about her.

Oh, no.

What do you mean, "Oh, no"?
This is what you wanted.

I've just been
talking to Judith.

She's having serious doubts
about the relationship.

Oh, no.

Judith says that Wilson
has a problem with intimacy.

Oh!

So he can't...
Oh. Oh, God. Oh!

Oh!

Well... Oh, honey!

I mean, I would have
never known.

He wouldn't talk about
something like that.

No wonder he's got all this...

Probably an old w*r injury
or something, huh?

Not that kind of intimacy!
I'm talking about
emotional intimacy.

Thank God it's nothing
important. Whoo!

He doesn't share his feelings.

She's spent every day
the last two weeks with him,

and she doesn't know who he is.

I've spent the last
years with him,
and I don't know who he is.

It doesn't hurt
our relationship.

I think she wants something
more from the relationship.

She wants to go
to the next level.

What is it with you women
and the "next level"?

What's wrong with
the level we're on?

Just take the elevator
and leave us
the heck alone. Hmm?

Every time she asks him
about himself,

all he does is intellectualize

or say something weird.

He always says something weird.

That's what makes
Wilson Wilson Wilson.

I think you should
talk to him.
No, I'm not -

You're the only one
that's got a chance
of getting through to him.

I'm supposed to go
talk to that man about
emotions and intimacy?

Granted, you're not
the obvious choice.

But desperate times call
for desperate measures.

If he doesn't
open up to her,
he is gonna lose her.

(grunting) OK, moving
to the next level.

Wilson, you home?

I'm in the kitchen, Tim,
making my haggis.

Hey. (sniffs)

You know, that stuff
doesn't smell half-bad.

Pretty excited about having
Judith over for dinner?

Oh, yes, indeed.

You really like her?
Oh, yes.

Oh, no. Oh.

Tim, is there something
you want to tell me?

No, there's something
Jill wants me to tell you.

Uh...

Judith is having a problem.

What kind of a problem?
Is she all right?

Oh, she's fine.

The problem is with you.

I don't understand.
Things were going so well.

We even made plans to go
to the Megalesia Festival

to commemorate
the end of the Punic w*r.

She... She says
that - that ...

She told Jill that
she doesn't even
think she knows you.

That every time she tries
to get you to open up

you just say something
intellectual.

Oh, my, my, my.
I must be displaying
the symptomatic behavior

of the classic male
emotional distancer,

precipitating her
to overfunction
in the relationship,

therefore causing
deep-seated resentment.

So knock it off.

Tim, I don't take easily
to personal or emotional
revelation.

No guy does.
Opening up emotionally

is just a horrible thing
women make us do.

Well, Tim, I'm just not sure
that I can do that.

Yes, you can.

Just use the word "feel" more.

You know, like,
"I feel hungry."
"I feel tired."

"I feel big." "I feel small."
"I feel bloated."

Tim, I think that Judith
and I weren't meant to be.

To be or not to be,
that is not the question.

You've got to learn
how to open up to this woman,

otherwise you're gonna be
all by yourself

at that milk of magnesia
festival.

So, are you enjoying
your haggis?

It's very tender.
What's in this?

That is sheep's liver
and other assorted organs.

It's very filling.

These are lovely candles.

Mm.

Well, thank you.

You know, I've always
found it fascinating
how a candle burns.

The hot flame moves downward,
thus melting the wax,

which rises through the wick
through capillary action...

Oh, boy, that was dull.

Wilson, I think we should talk.

I know what you're
gonna say, Judith.

I haven't been
very open to you.

I don't understand why a man
who can talk brilliantly
about anything

can't tell me about the one
thing I really want to know.

Well, my family never
really talked much
about personal matters.

Especially my father,
Wilson Wilson Sr.

What was he like?

He was a scientist

who didn't put too much
stock in emotions.

Must have been very
difficult to grow up
with a man like that.

Mm. It was.

You know, I loved my father.

It always hurt me when
he kept me at a distance.

And the last thing
I ever wanted was
to be like him.

But you're not.

You believe that
feelings matter.

I know that, because I see
the way you care about mine.

You know, Judith...

I've never been
open with a woman
since my wife d*ed.

But I would really like
to try with you.

I'd like that too.

Well, maybe we can
talk about it tomorrow

at the Megalesia Festival.

If you still want to go.

I wouldn't want to celebrate
the end of the Punic w*r
with anyone else.

Even though I have
absolutely no idea
what the Punic w*r was.

Well, actually,
it's fascinating.

It was when Rome
saved itself by...

Oh, who the hell cares?
They'll have beer.

You know, Judith,
not to bore you
with more facts...

...but primitive man believed

that the air he breathed
had magic powers.

I'm not bored.

And when a man
and a woman kissed,

it was as if their souls
were mingling.

Oh, look, Mark.

It's the sister
we've always wanted.

Hello, Bradina.

Laugh all you want.

But I've been going out
with Jessica for two weeks,

and she hasn't noticed one zit.

Yeah, but that doesn't
explain the lipstick
and the mascara.

Well, I dumped out
all Mom's makeup.

Which do you think
covers my zits better?

Bashful Beige or Nearly Nude?

This is too weird.

(doorbell) I got it!

Hi. Is Brad here?

Yeah. He's in the kitchen,
putting on his makeup.

Hey, Brad.

Hey, Jessica!
What are you doing here?

I, um...

I just thought
maybe we could go
to practice together.

Well, um...

Brad, are you trying
to cover up that zit
on your chin?

Oh, man. I knew I should
have gone with Bashful Beige.

No. No, I think
that Bashful Beige
is too dark for you.

You'd look better in Posy Pink.

I think I have that.

All right. Now, guys,
you need to remember

to apply it gently
and blend thoroughly,

because you always want

that natural
boy-next-door look.

There you go. Good job.