03x20 - On the Nose

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

And good evening
to the rest of you as well.

We've ceased being particular.

I'm training to become
a jockey.

And this is the mount
they assigned me.

This is an improvement.
It usually takes three cents.

"Will one of you
please get off?"

I forgot to tell you
this machine is very impudent.

It's all very discouraging.
I don't know what to do.

"Why don't you cut out
that : feeding?"

I think I better
get off these scales.

Tonight's story
touches on racing

and is called, "On the Nose."

But before we see it,
a very worthy organization

would like to make
this urgent appeal.

I'll have some more, honey.

Okay.

You better hurry, dear.
You'll be late.

Hey, my watch has stopped.

What time is it?

Twenty-five to.

Where's your watch?

It's being fixed.

I over-wound it.

Again?

When are you going to
learn to be more careful?

I don't know.

What are you going
to do today, honey?

Well, I thought I'd go downtown
and do a little window shopping.

So long as it's
just window shopping.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yeah. Yes, I am.

That'll be fine.

In about an hour.

Okay. Bye.

Who was that?

Lila Shank.

Oh?

What'd she want?

She's going shopping
with me today.

You're sure you're
just going shopping?

Of course, I'm going shopping.
Where else could I possibly...

Well, knowing Lila Shank,
you could be going to the races.

The track opened
again yesterday.

Do you think I'd lie to you
and go to the races after what...

No, no, no.
Of course not.

Fran, it wouldn't
be the first time.

Now if you started
playing the horses again...

Is that what happened
to your watch?

Did you hock that?
Because if you did...

I told you I broke it.

It's being fixed.

Oh?

Where did you take it?
I could pick it up on my way
to work.

You don't have to.

I can do it myself
and save you the trouble.

No, it's no trouble.
Just tell me where you left it.

Honey, don't you trust me?

I'll have it back
by the time you get home.
I give you my word.

All right.

But it isn't the watch,
you know that.

It's the betting.

See, you told me
that you stopped

and if it turns out
that you haven't...

But I have!

I haven't placed a single bet,
since I promised.

Okay. Okay.

But if I find out
that you're lying,

so help me,
it'll be the last time.

No more scenes,
no more tears,

no more quarrels,
no more promises.

We're finished.

I've had it.
Do you understand?

Yes, dear.

Oh, honey...

I hate to start the day
off like this,

but I've got to
make you realize

how serious, how terribly
dangerous this disease
of yours can be.

It can destroy everything
that we've got if you'll let it.

I won't.

I promise.

Okay.

Oh, hey, I gotta run.

So long.

Ed?

Yeah. What is it?

Ed, you didn't really mean what you
said about leaving me did you?

Honey, I love you, but I can't
live with this any longer.

I've done everything I could.

Because I know
that if you so much as
place one more bet,

you can't stop,
but I can.

I can walk right out that door
and never walk in again.

Ed, don't say that!

I mean it.

Fran, what are you
doing anyway?

Lila, I'm sorry to have kept you waiting,
but I had to go out.

Oh, that's all right, honey.

Say, wait till you
hear my big news.

I didn't want to tell you
over the phone

'cause I knew
how excited you'd get.

What big news?

I hit the daily
double yesterday.

No!
Yes!

For bucks.

Two hundred and...

My gosh!

And there it is,
cold, beautiful cash.

Ain't it pretty?

Come on!
Hurry up and get dressed.

We're going out to the track
today with a real bankroll!

You are.

I'm not.

But we had a date.

I changed my mind.

How come?

After I talked to you
on the phone,

Ed guessed about us
going to the track.

And he said he'd leave me
if he ever caught me gambling again.

So don't let him catch you.

I'm through. My marriage
is worth more to me...

Yeah, sure, I know.
I've heard that before.

This time, I mean it.

Look, honey, you can't lick it,
so why fight it?

And why should you?

We're all entitled to a little
excitement, a good time.

And who does it hurt?

So what if you lose
a few bucks occasionally.

Every pleasure costs
something.

Yeah, well, I have
my husband and my home.

And that's enough?

It has to be.

Listen, Fran...

Okay, sister,
good luck to you.

And good luck to me.

Good luck.

So I said to that elephant,

"Get away, boy,
'cause I'm seeing pink angels. "

And here it is,
our record of the week.

Pink Angels.

"Mama's Boy, Sure sh*t,
Washington Flyer, Pink Angel."

Pink Angel. Pink Angel.

Hello is Mr. Cooney there?
This is Mrs...

No never mind.

What am I doing?
What's the matter with me?

Shut up!

No!

Hello.

Mr. Cooney?

Well, no, I didn't...

That's funny.

I was just gonna call you anyway
to make sure you were home.

I wanna come up and see you.

See me? What for?

Small matter of some
money you owe us.

$ . to be exact.

$ ?

Well, that's not
so much I mean...

It all adds up, Mrs. Holland,
here, there.

And before we know it,
we're out a barrel.

Know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Look, I've always managed
to pay my debts

and I don't
like to be treated like
an ordinary dead-b*at.

Now don't get excited,
Mrs. Holland.

It ain't me.
It's the boys upstairs.

They hand down the orders
and I carry them out, or else.

And the order I got is
collect the dough.

All right! You'll get it.

Fine. I'll be right over.

$ . .

Here I am, Mrs. Holland.

I got here as fast as I could.

Now what's this all about?

Like I told you, $ . .

Get it up.

I can't.

I haven't got it.

You'll have to wait till Friday
when I get my household money.

Not Friday, now.

That's my order.

Well, how can I give you
what I haven't got?

How much have you got?

A dollar or so, change.

Let's have it.

Buck, quarter.

Hey, you're leaving
me without a cent.

Oh, I wouldn't do that,
Mrs. Holland.

Here's cents
for L or bus fare.

That makes it $ .
from $ . .

Makes it bucks even
you owe me now.

Where am I supposed to get it
with this cents?

Well, you might try
a hock shop.

That watch ought to be
good for a couple bucks.

No, I can't do that.

I have to have this watch
when my husband gets home.

What time does he come home?

Around : .

Why?

I'll be here for the rest
of my money then.

What?

That way,
if you don't have it,

I can wait a few minutes
and get it from your husband.

No! Listen.

No, no, you listen, Mrs. Holland,
all I want is my bucks.

I don't care
how or where I get it.

See you at : .

Mr. Cooney...

Fifteen cents.

Junk!

Fifteen cents.

Bus fare.

Why not? It might work.

Oh, heavens!
How do you like that?

I left the house
without a cent.

I've just got to get
downtown right away.

What'll I do?

If I go back home now,
I'll never make it.

Well, look. Why don't I...

Oh, could you?
Could you lend me cents?

I feel like such a fool.

It could happen
to anybody, miss.

Oh, thank you!
Here you are.

After you ma'am.

Oh, no, this isn't my bus.
I have to wait for Number Five.

Glad I was able to help out.

Pardon me.
I feel like such a fool,

but I've realized
I've come out without a cent

and I've simply got to get
downtown right away.

Well, if you'd like to float a little
loan, I think we can arrange it.

Oh, could you loan me cents?
You're saving my life.

For cents,
I'd call that a bargain.

Pardon me.

Yes?

I feel like such a fool,

but I seemed to have left
the house without any money

and I simply got to catch
the next bus downtown.

I was wondering
if I could impose on you...

Go find a policeman.
That's what they're for!

$ . , $ , ,

$ . , $ . . $ . ?

I'll never make it.

May I help you, please?

Oh, I was just looking.

Could you tell me
the price of this?

$ . .

It's lovely, isn't it?

Of course, this is sterling,
imported from Italy.

Oh, Miss Reed, telephone.

Would you excuse me
just a moment?

I'll be right back.

Just a second, lady.

What do you want?

I think you'd better
come along with me.

What for? Who are you?

Well, if you want to see
the badge, I'll flash it.

But for your sake,
let's do this nice and quiet.

But I...

I know. You meant to pay
for that compact in your bag

but you just forgot to.

We can go
all through that later.

Now come on.

All right.

Where are you taking me?

You want to know?

Inside.

Look, if you'll just
give me a chance to explain...

You'll get your chance.

Inside, lady.

But it was a mistake.

I didn't know
what I was doing.

You see,
I'm in trouble and I...

You're in trouble,
all right.

Here, please. Will you take this?
I don't want it.

I don't want it either,
except as evidence.

But I'm not a thief.

You've got to believe me.

I've never taken anything in my life
and I never will again.

Save it. I've heard
the whole record before.

But it's true.

I only did this
because I was desperate.

I need some money.
I don't know where to get it.

So you stole a compact
tagged $ . .

Well, that shouldn't get you
more than days.

You can save that, too.

Next you'll be giving me
your sob story.

Which is it, the sick mother?

I have to have $ by : .

What for?

To pay a bet before
my husband finds out.

Finds out what?

I've been gambling
on the horses.

Oh, pony player, huh?

And what happens
if he finds out?

He'll leave me.

And that's bad, hmm?

How much you say you need,
$ ?

Well I have about five,
maybe a little over.

So you only need .

By : , huh?

Well, you still got
a couple of hours.

You mean you'll let me go?

You want me
to give you a break?

Please.

Okay, doll face.
Maybe I will.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

I'll never know
how to thank you.

Well, if you put your mind to it,
I'm sure we can figure out a way.

What?

You know,
you're cute, doll face.

Your husband
ever tell you that?

What do you think
you're doing?

Helping you out of a jam.

But you're not
out of it yet, doll face.

You still need bucks,
right?

But that's okay.

I got bucks.

There.

Now all you gotta do
is be agreeable.

What are you anyway?

What do you think?

You're not arresting me.

This is just a trick.

Come on now, honey,
be smart. I may not be a cop,

but you're still in trouble and
I can help you, if you let me.

I don't want your help.

Come on now, be nice.
Here, let me out of here.

Pretend I'm your husband.

Fran Holland?

Yes.

Police officers.

This your purse?

It's got your name
and address in it.

Yes. It's mine.

Do you have any idea
where you lost it?

You mind if we come in?

What made you run away?

Well, I don't know.

The shock of the accident,
it must've shaken me up.

I didn't know
what I was doing.

Are you hurt?

No, no, no, no.

The driver,
is he all right?

Concussion, but he'll be okay.

Well, here it is.

You want to take a look
and see what's inside?

No.

$ . , right?

$ ?

There was a -dollar bill
on the floor alongside the compact.

Compact?

Did you just buy it?

I see it's still got
the price tag on it.

No. Take it back.

What?

Well, it's not mine.

Well, we'll take it back
to the store.

They've probably got
a record on who bought it.

You sure you're okay now?

Oh, yes.

Well, that about wraps it up.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Hello, again.

It's me, : ,
on the dot, like I said.

Come in, Mr. Cooney.

I'm sorry I can't ask you
to sit down,

but I expect my husband back
in a few minutes,

and I'd like to keep this just
between you and me.

So here's your money.

You actually got it?

Well, naturally, Mr. Cooney.

I told you I always manage
to pay my debts.

There's $ and $ in change.

I think you'll find
there's cents extra,

but you can keep that
for L and bus fare.

Mrs. Holland, you're a wonder.

How'd you do it?

Oh, now, please, Mr. Cooney,
I told you I expect my husband back

and you understand.

Of course. The last thing
in the world I'd want to do
is embarrass you.

You know, especially now that you're
a customer back in good standing again.

Oh, which reminds me.

You still have time to
place a bet on the last race.

Not me, Mr. Cooney,
I'm through.

I've learned my lesson.

Never again.
I'd rather die first.

It's been nice knowing you, Mr. Cooney,
but goodbye forever.

Well, if you ever have the urge
to place two bucks on a good thing,

you still have my number.

Hello.

Well, Ed, darling!
Where are you?

I was just beginning to wonder
why you weren't home.

You're flying to Washington?

But can't you come home
before you go...

I see. I guess you'd
better go right away, hmm?

Of course,
I'll worry about you.

I always worry about you,
don't you know that?

I worried about you
all day today.

Why?

Because I love you.

Now, tell the pilot
to fly safely.

And call me as soon as you
get to Washington, will you?

All right, darling.

Goodbye.

Washington.

Flying to Washington.

"Mama's Boy, Sure sh*t,
Washington Flyer!"

Hello, Mr. Cooney?

This is me again.
Mrs. Holland.

Am I still in time
for the last race?

Well, I'd like to put $
on Washington Flyer.

On the nose!

So much for our story.

I've decided to give up
horse racing.

The shirts are much too loud.

Besides I couldn't go on
after the touching tribute I received.

The horses chipped in
and bought me an automobile.

But the show must go on.

You understand, of course,
that all you have seen so far

is merely a prelude to
the extravaganza which follows.

I do wish we had
longer commercials.

They are so short that one must be
very agile to get to the kitchen and back.

I know. You said that.

Next week we shall be
back with another story.

But without the services
of my rude friend.

Until then, good night.