03x35 - Dip in the Pool

[bunniefuu]

Oh, good evening.

I am on vacation
from the rigors of television,

and coming to you
by remote pickup.

Our cameras are
quite ordinary,

but they are fastened to the longest
extension chords in history.

However, I find this vacation
quite exhausting.

Shuffleboard simply cannot be played
from the prone position.

Incidentally, the captain informs me
that changing channels

is not only foolhardy,
but also extremely dangerous,

so I don't believe
you ought to try it.

I understand
that in my absence,

you are to see a play
based on the story,
"Dip in the Pool."

Having said that,
I now return you to our studios.

It has been said
that the galleries of Florence

house half the great
paintings of the world.

Just off
the magnificent square

known as the Piazza della Signoria
is the Uffizi

where one can see
the masterpieces

of Botticelli, Raphael
and da Vinci.

Adjoining the square

is the Medici's
Palazzo Vecchio.

The what?

The Palazzo Vecchio.
The City Hall

which has been termed
the most handsome
public building in the world.

I'll bet that took
a lot of graft.

William, it's all very well
for you to act like a peasant
in front of me,

but please make an effort
to hide it from...

In front of those
culture-vultures?

Don't worry, don't worry.

I'll just stay away from them.

I can amuse myself in Europe.

No doubt.

At the Folies Bergere,
the casino in Cannes

and all the bistros
in between.

Yes, I do like
to have a little fun.

I know exactly
what would happen.

You'd gamble away
all of the money in a week

and I wouldn't see
anything but a hotel room.

No thank you.

Aunt Jessie left
that money to me

and I'm going to do exactly
what I've always wanted.

You're going to soak up
$ , worth of culture

and it's never going to show.

I could have gotten myself
a convertible.

You know, that's the whole trouble
with you, William.

If you can't drink it,
wear it or ride in it,

you think it has no value.

Very amusing.

That's the steward.
I sent for a drink. Come in.

Here you are, sir. I think
you'll find these effective.

Oh, yes. Are you sure
this is very, very dry?

Yes sir, very dry indeed.

Fine. Have one on me.

Thank you, sir.

How much did you give him?

A dollar.

A dollar!
That's too much.

You won't impress anybody
by over-tipping.

The proper thing is to do it
at the end of the voyage.

You don't understand, dear.
These boys expect those extra tips.

William, stop showing off.

You know we have barely
$ , left to spend in Europe.

If we're not more careful,
we'll have to forget about Assisi.

It would be just dandy
if we could forget about Assisi,

Florence and Rome.

And you can drop in Pisa, too.

All right.

You don't have to enjoy it,
but don't spoil it for me.

Why don't you send it back?
Maybe you'll get a refund.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

I lost my balance.

That's one of the fascinations
of traveling by ship.

There's adventure
in every wave.

Emily!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was talking to the nicest man.

What man? Where?

Oh, he's gone now.

Come along, we'd better
get dressed for dinner.

Hello there, Mr. Renshaw.

Oh, hello, Botibol.
Nice to see you again.

Sit down.

My wife is still dressing.

So is mine.

Well, that gives us
time for a drink, doesn't it?

A martini?

Sounds good. But this time,
it's on me. I insist.

Steward, two martinis, please.
Very, very dry.

Well, have you decided
on your itinerary yet?

No, I think we'll just
knock around a bit,

try to avoid
the usual vacation spots.

They can be
a little desperate, you know.

How well I know!

All those tourists
soaking up all that culture.

Well, this isn't
your first trip abroad, then?

No, first by ship though.

Plane is much faster,

but of course,
it's not as pleasant.

How much is that?

Here you are. Keep the change.

Well, here's...
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Steward, we've had
a little accident here.

Well, well, well...

Looks as if it's going to blow up
into a very dirty night.

I hope you've got
your sea legs, Botibol.

Never bothers me, sir.

We do a lot more rolling than this
on the Long Island Sound.

I didn't know
you were a yachtsman.

Well, I seldom have time
to be anything more than
a weekend sailor, I'm afraid.

Will you have another drink?

No thanks. I limit myself
to one before dinner.

But I would consider a brandy
afterwards.

Tell you what we'll do.

Why don't you meet me later
for the pool?

We'll have one then.

The pool? At night?

No, no, the ship's pool.
The auction.

You thought I...

Of course,
it's your first trip by boat.

No, it works this way.

Each day, the captain makes
an estimate of the day's run,

the distance we'll travel
in the next hours,

and then chances are
auctioned off to the passengers.

And the winning number
walks off with the proceeds,

minus %
for seamen's charities.

Sounds interesting.
How many chances are there?

Twenty. Ten each way
from the estimate.

And of course,
there's the high field and the low field.

And how does that work?

Well, the low field covers
all the numbers below the
smallest number in the range,

and the high field works
the same way at the other end.

You thinking of
taking a flyer?

I might. How much
do the chances sell for?

It depends on how stiff
the bidding goes.

I've known numbers to go
for as low as L .

British ship, of course.

Well, that's almost $ .

Almost.

But the chance of winning
six or seven thousand attracts
an awful lot of people.

Seven thousand!

Well, have you picked
your number yet?

No, no, I'm not much
of a gambler, I'm afraid.

What do you call
playing the stock market?

That's an entirely
different proposition, my boy.

That's an investment
based on a knowledge
of the market,

the soundness of the stocks...

You have detailed reports

and a complete history
of the company to guide you.

Inside information, eh?

You can call it that
if you like.

But a ship's pool...
That's a guessing game.

Oh, there you are.

You know Botibol.

Yes, of course, Mr. Botibol.
How are you?

How do you do, Mrs. Renshaw?

May I say that you look
extremely beautiful tonight?

Thank you.

Shall we go in to dinner now?

Of course. Later, Botibol?

Later. See you, Mrs. Renshaw.

What on earth
do you see in that awful man?

Oh, Botibol's not a bad chap.
He tries.

Much too hard, if you ask me.

He's a bit of a braggart,
I suppose,

but he's not too hard
to take in small doses.

I feel sorry for his wife.

She seems like
a nice little woman.

But I do wish she'd ask him
not to wear that plaid dinner jacket.

He looks like a third class
master of ceremonies.

Given half a chance,
I think that's just what he'd be.

He'd be
quite a funny one, too!

I suggested we have
a brandy later at the ship's pool

and he said,
"The pool? Tonight?"

He thought I meant
a dunk in the pool.

Don't worry,
Renshaw paid for the drinks.

William... Never mind.
Let's go in to dinner.

I understand
we're in for a bit of weather.

But it won't amount
to very much,

and it sort of livens
things up, don't you think?

Anyway, we're all good sailors
at this table.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Purser.

Yes, Mr. Botibol?
What's the trouble?

Oh, there isn't any trouble.

I just wondered if the captain
had made his estimate yet

of the day's run.

Well, I imagine so, yes.

About how long ago
would that be?

Oh, some time this afternoon.

Would you say that, that was
before it started to get rough?

Yes, I suppose so.
He usually does it about : .

I see. And it was :
when we started to roll,
wasn't it?

About then.

There's one other thing.

Do you think the captain knew
that we were going to run into
bad weather?

I really couldn't say,
Mr. Botibol.

You see, it works like this.

The captain holds a little conference
with the navigating officer.

They study the weather,
then they make up their estimate.

I see,

but if the weather were
to be bad all night,

it might be a very good idea
to pick a low number.

What do you think?

Well, perhaps it would.

I doubt if the captain allowed
for a really rough night.

Yes, but if you could
choose a number,

what number would you chose?

I really couldn't say,
Mr. Botibol.

You see,
I don't know the range yet.

That isn't announced
until the auction starts
right after dinner.

Isn't that delicious?

...and I can already imagine
a sense of grandeur

on seeing Michelangelo's frescoes
in the Sistine Chapel.

Excuse me, all.

Do you think
we've slackened speed
because of this weather?

Oh, my word, yes, sir.

We'd have to slacken off speed
in this weather,

or you'd be throwing
passengers all over the ship.

You know, I have a notion
I'm going to make a bid.

Yes, I rather thought you had.

Oh, you did? Why?

It's written
all over your face, Botibol.

You've got that
gambler's gleam in your eye.

Well, now, I wouldn't mind
picking up $ , , would you?

No, not at all.

But I'd prefer better odds.

Or some inside information?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the captain has estimated
the day's run,

ending at midday tomorrow
at miles.

As usual, we will take
the numbers on either side of it

to make up the range.

That means from up to .

And for those who think
the true figure
will be still farther away,

we'll have a low field
and a high field.

Now we'll draw
the first number...

.

You've made this trip before,
Mr. Renshaw.

How do those figures
stack up with you?

I don't know.

About average as I recall.

Number ?

Number ?

You're sure they don't seem
lower than usual?

No, I don't think so.

L .
Thank you, sir.

You haven't got this auction
rigged, have you, Botibol?

Well, it's not in the bag,

but I did have dinner
with the purser.

What did he say?

Oh, he doesn't know
any more about it than I do,

but he did say that the captain
figured his estimate

about : p.m.
this afternoon.

And that was before
the storm slowed us down.

Mmm-hmm.
One of the low numbers, huh?

Better than that.

Lower field, if the storm
keeps up all night.

Botibol, I really think
you're on to something.

No, no, no,
I won't bid against you.

You worked it out,
you're entitled to it.

If somebody
doesn't outbid you.

Now we have .

What are my bids for ?

L .

L .

That's a pretty high bid,
isn't it?

I imagine these fellows
noticed the weather, too.

L !

Do I hear any advance
on L ?

How high do these bids go?

It's hard to say.

I'd be prepared to go
L , L .

That's almost $ !

I couldn't go that high.

Well, I mean, I don't carry
that much cash.

Oh, well, they'll take a check,
I'm sure.

Yes, a check, of course.

Low field next.

As you all know, low field
covers every number

below the smallest figure
in the estimate.

In this case, every number
below .

So, what are my bids
for low field?

L .

That's the lowest bid
of the night.

Don't be fooled by it, my boy.

L , I'm bid.

One hundred.
Thank you.

L .

Thank you, madam. L .

We're going nicely,
ladies and gentlemen.
L .

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

L .

Thank you, sir, L .

Is there any advance?

Going for L .

L .

Seventy.
Eighty.

L .

L .

L .

I have a bid of L .

Is there any advance?

Going for L .

Going... Going...

Gone.

Congratulations, Botibol.

Yes, thank you.

L .

$ .

Shouldn't wonder if the pool
runs a bit higher than usual.

There's almost
, in it.

Ten thousand? That much?

That's fine.

That's fine. I can use it.

Ethel, will you
turn out the light, please?

There are no lights on,
William. It's morning.

William, I've been revising
our Paris tour.

If we do the Louvre
and Napoleon's tomb the same day,

we can manage
one evening of entertainment.

I suppose you'd prefer
to have it in Paris,

but we have to watch the pennies
and watch the tips.

Look, Ethel,

you're going to find out
soon enough,

so I might as well
tell you myself.

I had a little bad luck.

Oh, William, you haven't been
gambling again!

You know every penny
of that money is budgeted.

But I was so sure
that I could win.

And if I had, we could've
taken all the tours

and had something left over.

But you didn't win.
You never do.

Well, if we bypass Assisi,
we can save $ .

Was it that much, William?

No, it wasn't $ .

Well, that's something.

What's the matter with you?
You look terrible.

I think
I'm going to get seasick.

William, you always
manage to do things backwards.

Last night, they could barely
keep the dishes on the table,

and it didn't
bother you at all.

And now, when the sea
is flat as a pond,

you have to go get seasick.

Just leave me alone, please.

Oh! Lovely weather, isn't it,
Mr. Botibol? Lovely.

Yes, it certainly
cleared up in a hurry.

What time did the wind drop?

Around : a.m., I think.

And we're going quite fast now,
aren't we?

Yes, we certainly are.

We have to make up
the time that we lost, you know.

Excuse me, please.

Well, hello, Botibol.

How do you do, Mr. Renshaw?
Mrs. Renshaw.

Hello, Mr. Botibol.

Why don't you sit down here
and amuse my husband?

Don't let me chase you away,
Mrs. Renshaw.

I have an appointment
with the hairdresser.

Sit down.

Well, Botibol...
Oh, before it slips my mind,

there's a small card game
brewing up for after lunch.

Would you care to sit in?

No, thank you.

Oh, really?

I had an idea
you'd be just the man
for a little table stakes.

Well, how does your low field
look this morning?

Looks like
I ran out of the money.

Oh, I don't know.

That storm lost us
considerable time while it lasted.

We've made all that time up.

The only way
I could possibly win now

would be to put this vessel in reverse
and go full speed astern.

You might be able to get
the captain to do that for you

for a percentage
of the profits.

I'm sorry, Botibol.

It wasn't a very good joke,
was it?

I remember now you said
that most of your cash
had gone into the pool.

Yes, that could be
very embarrassing.

You must know.
You play the market.

I can remember a few bad days.

Oh, well, then you're
just the man to give me
some expert advice.

Anybody can have hindsight,
my boy.

I thought myself
it was a good venture.
Last night.

But how did you break the bad news
to the little woman?

Frankly, I didn't.

Never let on
there was anything wrong.

Yes, well, you see,
that won't work in my case.

I have just enough money left
to tide us over

until the next boat back.

Really?

I'm sorry to hear that,
Botibol.

But it's only : .

Anything could happen
in the next three hours.

Such as?

Oh, engine trouble,
bad weather...

Anything that would
slow us down.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

Thanks.

Or I could drown myself.

That should do it.

But I wouldn't drown

I'm a very good swimmer.

I could keep afloat

until they came back
to pick me up.

They'd have to stop the ship,

lower a lifeboat, row back

and then return to the ship.

The whole thing would take
at least an hour.

That would be enough.

That would take miles
off the day's run.

Low field would be
a cinch then.

I've got to be sure
that someone sees me go over.

Can't take any chances there.

Somebody with good eyesight
and good hearing.

A woman.

Let her get hysterical.

The louder she screams,
the better.

Hello.

Oh, it's you.

Yes, I do believe it is.

How did you know?

Well, you said every wave...

That's right.
That's right, I remember.

I'm relieved.

I thought for a moment
you were being psychic.

Why do you say that?

I don't know.

I came up here
and I said, "Hello,"

and you turned around
and said, "Oh, it's you."

Well, I mean,
how did you know I was here?

I was listening.

I have on tennis shoes.

Well, I had no trouble
hearing you.

Are you going to play
deck tennis?

Yes, yes.
I have to get my exercise.

Never miss it, you know.

Well, it's nice
to have seen you again.

Thank you.

Hearing good,
eyesight adequate.

You're it, lady.

Scream the gulls down
when I go over.

Take a deep breath.

That goes for you too, lady.

Remember, this is for
$ , on low field.

Maybe she's got
a number herself. A high one.

She wouldn't scream at all.

For $ ,
she'd let me drown.

By the way, we were wondering

why we don't see you
around much in the evenings?

Oh, I am. Sometimes.

Really? Were you
at the auction last night?

The auction?

Well, you know, the lottery
they hold in the lounge

where they sell chances
on the ship's daily run.

I didn't know.

I go to bed so early.
I'm very lazy.

I see. Well, maybe we'll
see you there this evening.

Have to get back
to my exercise.

Help!

Help!

Emily, I've been searching
the ship from top to bottom.

I can't take my eyes off you
for a second.

A man just jumped overboard
with all his clothes on.

Nonsense.

He said he wanted
to get some exercise

and he just dived in.

Oh, Emily, for heaven's sake
there's no one there.

Come along. Come along,
let's go back to the cabin.

And you must promise me
not to go wandering about
alone anymore.

Otherwise, you'll not be allowed
to take any more trips.

Such a nice man.
He waved to me.

You will be pleased to know
that our story had a happy ending.

The ship was delayed
by engine trouble

so that Mr. Botibol
won the pool.

Regrettably, Mr. Botibol was
not there to enjoy the money,

but his wife
and her second husband

had a very good time with it.

Our voyage should be over
in a few minutes,

but we're approaching
rough water.

I think I shall move
near the railing.

You stay here, however,

for I shall weave back
in just one minute.

That was worse
than I expected.

And to add insult to injury,

the captain has asked me
to get off the ship.

He claims I'm tipping it over.

It's absurd, of course,
but all the passengers
are with him.

And it's jump
or be pushed.

So, until next week,
bon voyage.