08x11 - Debra at the Lodge

[bunniefuu]

All right, guys,
let's play.

Come on, Ray.
Turn off the TV.

This is what you do now, huh?
You play board games?

I just like games 'cause
it's something we can all do together.

Oh yeah, absolutely--
family fun.

Come on,
let me kick your ass.

Marie, come back here.

Your father is impossible.

You know I don't like
my orange juice with pulp.

It says right here,
"no pulp."

You and that are liars.

I'll give you both $100,000
if you go home right now.

The Caribou Lodge
is closed today,

so he's hanging
around the house

and he's making me miserable.

You ain't doin' that much
for me either.

What do you mean
the lodge is closed?

We're having
some financial trouble

due to a recent
thinning of the herd.

"Thinning of the herd"?

The old men are dying.

Yeah, we're down
to four days a week now.

If things keep goin' this way,
we may have to close altogether.

Oh God, no!

You guys need
some new blood?

Blood, hips, hair--
whatever you got.

You know, Frank,

I know that up till now

the lodge has been
a men's club,

but if you were
to consider--

For... get... it!

You know what they did
at my parents' country club?

I don't think anybody
wants to hear

a fancy country-club story
right now, dear.

It's not
a fancy country--

you know what they did?

- They had special recruiting events.
- What do you mean?

Recruiting events
to attract new members.

They had a wine tasting,
a casino night, a luau.

Or you could raid
a nursing home.

Since this is
a men's club,

you could have a manly,
football-watching,

meat-eating party.

I like football.

I love meat.

- But we can't.
- Why not?

Well, O'Neal used to handle
all that party crap,

and he was part
of the thinning.

You could do this,
Frank.

All it is is a party

and then some follow-up
phone calls to the guests.

When I was in PR,
I did it all the time.

Maybe you could
do it again.

- Me?
- We'll pay you.

I'll pay you.

She's not gonna do that.

Well, uh...
excuse me.

I might wanna help them.

I have the time.

What are you
talking about?

You've got plenty
to do around here.

I mean, the place
is all messy and...

Take it, Ma.

Debra is a wonderful housekeeper.

Get to the lodge.

Hey, Debra's here!
Ha ha ha!

Thanks, Garvin.
How you boys doin'?

We're terrific.

How's our favorite busy bee?

Great. I've got all your membership
records together here.

Tomorrow I'm gonna put them
on the computer.

Oh!

Didn't I tell you fellas?

O'Neal couldn't do that
even when he was alive.

Debra, you've been
workin' all week.

Why don't you punch out
for the day?

Yeah.
Have a drink with us.

I'm buying.

Stan's buying.

Wow, Debra, you're here
on a historic occasion.

I'm not buyin' for you.
I'm buyin' for Debra.

Come on, Debra.

Get over here
to the watering hole.

Watering hole
because we're caribou.

All right, fellas.

Hey, you know what?

Thank you.

I've gotten a great response
to the football party.

You must've put your picture
on the invitation.

Aw, Albert!

Hey, Debra, I was thinking
of another fundraising idea:

The Caribou Follies.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

Back in the service,

we used to put on shows,
you know,

where we dress up like broads
and dance around.

Some of us still do.

Hey, you know what?

We could do
something like that

without the dressing-up part.

If you guys want to
have an event like that,

we could do it
right here.

You already have a piano.

And we've got
a piano player.

Hey, Hal, saddle up.

All our numbers are
before your time, Debra.

Oh!

Oh no, I know this one.

Come here. Listen.

It's like our own
private Andrews sister!

Do some more.

Ray's here!
Ha ha ha!

- Hi, honey.
- Hey, hi.

Hey! Hi, everybody.

So, how's work goin'?

Fine. Busy.

What's up?

No, it's just a bunch of
those RSVP things you wanted

- for the football thing.
- Oh, thank you.

So, uh, you gonna
come home soon?

Yeah. I still have
a few things left to do.

Do you know
"Chattanooga Choo-Choo"?

That's it!

So you're almost done here,
though, right?

'Cause Mom's over,

and she's talking to me
a lot, so...

maybe you could
come home now?

Come on, pal.
Give her a break.

Raymond's kind of
a killjoy, huh, Frank?

Gets it from his mother.

I'm not a killjoy.

I just don't enjoy
sing-alongs.

I guess the jokes are
from his mother, too.

All right. Okay.

Well, have fun playing
with your friends,

and then I'll just
be home... waiting.

You know what, Debra?

Your wife's a nag.

Wow, I'm tired.

Yeah, you must be,
yeah.

Next time,
you should tell the guys,

"Go easy on
the up-tempo numbers."

Hey, I worked hard today.

You just happened
to come in

when we were singing
and drinking.

I understand.

It's gotta be exhausting
entertaining the troops...

from the Civil w*r.

You know, Ray,
you were welcome to join us.

I was?!

You mean I could have hung out
with Max and Albert

and Rip Van Gassy?

I like them,

and I like helping them out.

Why does this
bother you so much?

It doesn't bother me.

If that's how you wanna enjoy
your twilight years, go ahead.

You are so immature.

- You make fun of them for being old.
- They made fun of me.

Yeah. I hope you're as charming
as they are when you're their age.

I can be that charming
right now.

Hey, toots!

Hey, 23 skidoo!

You know what, Ray?

At least those guys
are appreciative of what I do.

And I'll tell ya
something else:

It's very nice

having somebody be
a little attentive once in a while.

- Oh, come on.
- No!

I mean, those guys
compliment me on my ideas

and tell me
how great I'm doin'.

They're completely grateful
to have me around.

And you know what?

I bet those gentlemen
could teach you a thing or two.

Like what, how to wear
my pants up high?

All right,
that's enough jokes, Ray.

Yeah. Grow hair
out of my ears.

Enough, Ray.

Drive with my blinker on.

Ray!

Okay. Sorry.

- Yell at a squirrel.
- Oh!

Reuse a tea bag.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, uh...

I just want you
to know that, uh...

I heard what you said
last night

about, you know,
being appreciated,

and I'm sorry--
sorry for all the dumb jokes.

I think it's nice what you're doing
with the old guys.

Well, thanks, honey.

That's refreshing.

Okay, I'm going
to the lodge.

- Now?
- Yeah. I've still got some work to do,

and the computer's
coming today.

Oh well, you'd better
get down there.

They're probably
sitting in front of it

waiting for "Mannix"
to come on.

Sorry.

Sorry. It's nice.
It's nice what you're doing.

Okay. Thanks.
I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

Hello, Raymond, dear.

Do you have a moment?

Not really.
I'm kind of swamped.

This won't take long.

Hello, Raymond.

Hi. Hi, Hilda.
Miss Pechi, Miss Lopman.

Hello, Raymond.

Is Debra home?

I said I'd handle this,
Hilda.

Raymond,
is Debra around?

We need to talk
with her.

Actually, she just went
down to the lodge.

- Oh!
- Again.

What?

What's the matter?

I have to tell you

that we find
this whole situation

a little troubling.

What are you talking about?

You were all for
this situation.

Your wife is
out of control.

Hilda.

Raymond, I think
you should suggest to Debra

that she doesn't need
to go to the lodge anymore.

What do you mean, Ma?

She's doing great

and the guys love her
down there.

Of course they do!

There's something
quite inappropriate

about a girl like her

parading around in front
of a group of men.

It's shameful.

Hilda, maybe you should
wait in the car.

Ma, Debra likes her job

and she said
it's been good for her.

It's not right.

Debra's having an influence
on the men.

Albert comes home
and all I hear is,

"Why can't you fix yourself up
like Debra?"

I can't compete
with that.

Debra's under 60.

That's right.

Suddenly my Artie has
all this pent-up energy.

Won't leave me alone.

He's pinching,
making kissing noises--

I can't get mixed up
in that nonsense.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Raymond, you know
that I love Debra.

But I have to tell you,

around men
she has an air.

An air?

You know...

All right!

First of all, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Second of all,
don't do that.

Hey, Ray.

Oh, hey.

Shouldn't you be at the lodge
with the rest of them?

What's with you?

Mom's bridge club
apparently is a little upset

over Debra working
for you guys.

She's a floozy.

Aw, come on.

She just does
some paperwork for us.

She's got my Joe
gobbling heart pills.

Your husband's
gobbling heart pills

because he's had
a 50-year love affair with ham.

So how come this week

Artie used up a full bottle
of Aqua Velva?

Because we couldn't get him
to use two bottles.

No offense,
but your husband has a problem.

We can smell him
underwater.

- I smell a cover-up.
- Yes.

You know what?

You ladies are
outta your minds.

Now I'm gonna watch the football game
with my pants off.

Let's go, let's go.

Raymond, Raymond.

Raymond.

Please, just keep an eye
on Debra, will you?

I will, Ma.

And, Frank,
I just want to say--

I'm about
to start scratching.

Oh! Thanks, Dad.

I was never so happy
to see you open your pants.

All right, they're gone.
Listen.

You gotta make
Debra quit.

What?

Get her outta there.

What are you talkin' about?

You just said
everything was fine.

I lied.

The truth is:
The guys at the lodge are...

ogling your woman.

What do you mean?

Is Debra really
flirting with them?

No no, it's not her.

It's the guys.

They stare at her,

and then they exchange
looks with each other.

And then when
she leaves the room,

well, let's just say
there's been some...

commentary.

Oh my God!

I know.

I hate hearing
those things.

Debra's like
a daughter to me.

And yet, these men
are my brothers.

It's a pickle,
I tell you!

What do they say?

You don't need to know.

Just get her outta there.

Wait wait.
What do they say?

I'm not allowed,
don't you get it?

I'm not supposed to tell you
what goes on at the lodge.

It's the Code
of the Caribou.

All right.
Look, you're nuts.

The whole thing's probably
blown way out of proportion.

Certain things about her

have been mentioned.

Like what?

Her ankles...

her gams--

that's legs.

Her, uh...

derriere.

What?!

Don't make me go higher.

What the hell
goes on down there?

Son, it's...

it's time you knew something
about The Caribou:

They're pigs.

Where are you going?

I'm going down
to the lodge, okay?

I'm gonna talk
to your friends.

You didn't hear this
from me.

You didn't hear this
from me!

I'll lose my antlers!

So I have all the RSVPs
for the football party on here.

And then, if you drag
this file over here

and open it,
here's the follies.

Hey, that reminds me--

we were workin' on
a new song,

and we were thinking
we'd like you to sing it.

- Who, me?
- Yeah!

I mean, I guess I could,
if you need performers.

Come over here
to the piano, Debra.

Let's give it a whirl.

Okay.

Hal, a little
"Put the Blame on Mame."

Hey, wait!

You know
what would be fun?

Get on top of the piano
where everybody can see you.

No! Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Okay.

Hurry up.

All right,
that's enough!

Hey, Ray's here!
Ha ha ha!

Shut up, Garvin!

Ray, what's goin' on?

It's all right, Debra.
You can come down now.

Hey, we're in the middle
of a rehearsal here.

Yeah well,
the show's over, Max.

Debra, come down.

I have something urgent.

It's an important thing
to tell you.

- Okay.
- Here you go.

Hey hey, no touchin'!

Ray, stop!

What is wrong with you?

They're just being nice.

No no.

I know you think
because they're old,

they're all cute
and sweet and grandpa-y.

They're not--
they're dirty, filthy men.

Ray!

If he calls me old again,

I'll put him
right on his ass!

I'm sorry, Garvin.

Ray, maybe you should go.

I apologize, guys.

No no. They should be
apologizing to you.

What for?

Let me tell you something

about your charming gentlemen:

They're animals.

The minute you turn
your back on 'em,

they're talking about
your derriere.

That's right.

And points north.

Oh!

That's not true.

You guys wouldn't
talk like that

about me, would you?

Max?

I just wanted to
learn the computer.

Oh yeah, come on.

You mean to tell me that you all
haven't been saying things about her?

I certainly have not.

I happen to be madly
in love with my wife.

And I'm engaged.

Hey, Ray.

I think you're
way outta line here.

Where did you get
all this stuff about us?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, where?

From me!

Frank?

You broke the code!

I don't care!

The one time we have
a nice lady work here,

you guys have to
act like idiots.

I'm like her father.

This isn't just
some loose broad.

Thank you, Frank.

Come on, let's go.
Let's get outta here.

Wait a minute.

I don't need
you two guys to rescue me.

I'm perfectly capable
of handling this on my own.

I thought
you were gentlemen.

I thought you appreciated
the work I was doing here.

And I thought
men of your generation

would have a little class.

I guess I was wrong.

I have to say,
I'm very disappointed.

Let's go.

She does look
very nice leaving.

Marie, I'm gonna play
your cards this hand.

All right.

I have more sandwiches
if you want.

No, thank you.

Hey, Ma.
Oh hi, ladies.

Hello, Raymond.

Ma, did you sew
that shirt button on for me?

Of course.

Here.
Have a sandwich.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

I'll go get you
the shirt.

All right.

Oh, come on.

Uh, Raymond, I think
you missed a little

on the floor there.

If I was Debra,
I'd be nicer to him.