08x17 - The Ingrate

[bunniefuu]

Hey! There they are!

How was the carnival?

Uncle Robert threw up!

On a ride!

Oh, Robert.

He was on
one of those spinning rides.

He nailed 11 people!

I had to buy
a guy a shirt.

Guess what? That was
my college on the phone.

They want to
give me a degree.

I thought you
had a degree.

Yeah, what the hell
were we paying for?

It's another one.

They call it
an "honorary doctorate."

Oh!

I might throw up again.

Oh my God!

Raymond,
you're a doctor!

Doctorate, Ma.

They call it
a "doctorate of letters."

That is so great,
honey. Aw...

Wow, Ray,
congratulations!

We are so happy
for you.

How much do they
charge for this?

- Nothing.
- Yeah, right.

No contribution at all?

Let me tell you
something:

Education is
the biggest scam going.

Dr. Raymond Albert Barone.

Yeah.

Hey, Doctor,
I got a mole you should

take a look at
on my backside.

Well, you must
be my 9:30.

Mm-hmm.

So what's your diagnosis?

I don't know yet.

I might have to put
my healing hands

on your love-starved body.

Ooh.

Oh, Doctor.

Doctor Ray.

What? What?

No, it's just funny
calling you doctor.

It's not that funny.

Dr. Raymond Barone, PhD.

All right, stop it.

Come on,
you know how I feel

about laughing during sex.

You have to admit,
you're not

the most professorial
kind of guy.

I can be exceedingly
professorial.

No, I know.

I was just
remembering that time

you read the word
"stohma-cha-chuh."

What's your point?

You read
"stohma-cha-chuh."

And the word really is...

Stomachache.

I am just teasing you.

Yeah, right.

No, come on.

Kiss me again.

For once, I don't have
a "head-ah-cha-chuh."

- All right, forget it.
- I'm kidding.

You're just like
Robert and my father.

You don't think
I deserve this.

No, of course, I think
you deserve this.

- Even though I'm an idiot.
- Yes.

No no, I don't believe that.

You're very smart.
You deserve this.

You're going to do great.

What do you mean
"do great"?

When you give
your speech.

You knew you had to
give a speech, right?

Ray, when they give you
an honorary diploma,

you give a speech.

In front of people?

Well, it's not
a speech otherwise.

It's just a crazy man.

Oh my God.

Honey, you'll do fine.

No, I won't!

They're going to expect me
to be smart in front of smart people

and say smart things.
And I'm not smart.

You know it, I know it,
we all know it.

Who am I kidding?

Ray, come out.

No!

I'm never coming out,
so you're free to remarry.

- Ray...
- Just...

remember I can
hear you in here.

Honey, listen.

They want you because
you're good at what you do.

They want the students
to see someone

who loves his work
and is a success.

You don't have to
sound like a professor.

What they want
is Ray Barone.

You give them that,
and I promise they will love you.

Yeah?

Positive.

Ooh, I'm feeling
feverish, Doctor.

Oh yes.
Yes, you are.

I think you might have
caught something

from the rest of
the cheerleading squad.

Yes.

- Step into my office.
- Ooh!

Oh, wasn't that wonderful?

It was pretty good,
right? Yeah.

All the money
on that damn college,

they can't put a cushion
on a folding chair?

My mole is k*lling me!

Robbie, are you sure
you got a picture

of Raymond shaking
the dean's hand?

I'm sure, Ma.

And pictures of me
kissing Raymond?

We have enough
to make wallpaper.

Hey, listen, guys.
Now that we're here,

really, tell me,

how was my speech?

- Everyone loved it!
- Yeah?

It really was great, Ray.

So folksy.

You did a good job, honey.

Yeah, you can take
your robe off now, Merlin.

By the way, why did you
have to mention to everybody

that when I was a kid,
I couldn't throw a spiral?

That was to show
how I got into critiquing sports.

I liked the part about me
cursing at the players on TV.

Yeah, you liked that?

It's nice to know you have

an influence on your kids.

It was the best speech
I have ever heard.

You just liked it because
you got a big special mention.

Did l?
I didn't notice.

You should be
very proud, Ray.

All right, all right.

Let's celebrate, huh?
Put out some food.

- I'll help you.
- Okay.

Ooh yes,
that's good thinking, Amy.

So, Ray's big day...

you must be
so proud of him.

Yeah, I am proud of him.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Come on,
something's up.

No, really,
it's nothing.

You can tell me.

Well, he made
a great speech today, right?

How he worked in all those little
stories about everybody in his life?

Yeah, that was
my favorite part.

Did you notice
he didn't mention me?

Of course he did.

No.

No, he mentioned
Frank and Robert

and thanked Marie
at the end and--

oh my God,
he didn't mention you.

It's fine. It is.

No, Deb, I'm sure Ray just made
some kind of mistake in his speech.

He just forgot.
You should ask him.

No no. I don't wanna
make a big deal about it.

I want him
to enjoy his day.

What a beautiful diploma.

Why don't you
keep it, Ma?

- What?
- Yeah.

- Really? Oh no.
- Sure.

I can't hang it up here.
It'd be like bragging.

Besides, you deserve it.

Oh, what a boy!

Okay okay.
Okay. Okay.

He said okay!

Can I talk to you
for a minute, Ray?

Huh?

Debra would k*ll me for this,
because she won't say anything,

but I thought
you might want to know:

You didn't mention her
in your speech.

What?
No... yes, I did.

I didn't?

Oh my God.

You didn't thank your wife.

You screwed the pooch!

Robert, quiet!

What did he do?

He didn't thank Debra.

Amy!

No. No no, I did.
I did. I know I did.

I wrote... I wrote...
I wrote--

Iook, I wrote about school.

I wrote about sports,
and l--

Oh no.

You didn't even jot
her name down in the margins--

Amy, what are you doing?

Helping?

Let's go back. Let's go back.
I'll give another speech.

There's probably still
people in the cafeteria.

No, it's okay. Come on.
This isn't about me.

This is your day.

I'm so proud of you.
You should be happy.

I'm gonna go
check on the kids.

So should we bury you
in that dress?

Listen...

Debra, I just want to say--

No, really, Ray.
It's okay.

You don't have
to apologize again.

Yeah, but you're supposed
to thank your wife, and--

and you are
my wife, right?

Yes, I'm your wife.

And I am
a stupid stupid doctor.

No, honey, really.
It really is okay.

I wasn't even going
to say anything.

But you did say something.

- No, I didn't.
- To Amy.

Yes, to Amy,
because I thought

she wouldn't say
anything to you.

And now I have
to k*ll her.

Okay, see?
It did bother you.

Don't obsess about this.

It was a great day,
I'm proud of you,

and we don't need to talk
about it anymore, okay?

Okay.

You're right. It was
just a fluke, anyway, right?

- Night.
- Night.

You know what it is?

I know why I did it.

It's because this was
an award from college,

so I was thinking
of all the people

that helped me
through college at that time.

I didn't even
know you then.

Where were all those people
the other night

when you were
hiding in your closet,

afraid to give
your speech?

I wasn't hiding.

I was making
my special magic.

You couldn't have
thanked those people

if I hadn't given you the confidence
to make your speech.

What confidence?
I remember you making fun of me

and giggling
and "stohma-chah-chuh."

Yes, but then
I encouraged you

and you were
able to get up

in front of those people
and give a great speech.

You encouraged me, but first,
you had to tear me down

so you could build me
back up again.

- What?
- That's right. That's what you do.

And you are very careful that I do not
come out smarter than you.

I never really
worry about that.

Okay, all right. See?

That's tearing me down,
tearing me down.

Maybe that's why something in my head
prevented me from thanking you.

- Oh my God.
- What?

You did it on purpose?

No no. No!

I said something
in my head did it.

Yeah, something like
you thinking it.

No no!

You're not a stupid doctor,
you're an evil doctor!

No, I'm stupid. I'm a stupid man!
You know that!

I can't believe you!

Debra, it was something
I did unconsciously.

Subconsciously. Unconscious
means you're not awake.

You see,
I don't know anything!

I told you, I don't deserve
the damn thing.

No, listen, honey.
I don't want you to feel that way.

I know you didn't mean
to leave me out.

It's just...

It bothers you.

Yes, it bothers me,

but it bothers me
that it bothers me.

I don't need you
to say nice things

about me in public.

I just...
I don't know...

I want you to.

I don't know, I'm sorry.

You're a very good doctor.
I'm sorry. Good night.

I'm glad you feel better.

Hey, here she is.
Coffee?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Remember the other night?

Read the paper.

- Your column?
- Yes, exactly--

my column,
read my column.

You think "Players should stop dumping
Gatorade on their coaches' heads.

It's wasteful and sticky."

Unless it's a championship game,
then it's okay--

Iittle lower.

"I'm often asked by people
who want to be sportswriters,

'How did you get started?'

And I understand this question,
because of all the plum jobs,

I've got the plummest."

No, there's more,
there's more.

I think I'll finish it
when the coffee kicks in.

- But it seems really good.
- No--

"And it's a fair question
to ask me,

because I am, after all,
mostly qualified

to do something
like deliver futons.

So, how did I get here?

You see, there was
this futon-delivery guy,

and he met
a beautiful woman."

Oh, now you're listening.

"And even though she was
way out of his league,

for some unknown reason,
she smiled at him.

Eventually,
and even more amazingly,

she married him.

And it turns out that when
one of your dreams comes true,

you begin to take the others
a little more seriously.

So, even though
I'm as amazed as anybody

that I have
any success at all,

I'm pretty sure it all started
with my wife Debra's smile."

I wrote that.

That is the sweetest thing.

Not too sappy?

It's way too sappy.

Good morning.

Hey.

Hi, Ma.

Marie. Frank.

See your son's column
this morning?

Yes, we did.

We thought it was wonderful,
didn't we, Frank?

Then why did you
drag me over here?

I thought it was
a marvelous piece,

full of gratitude
and feelings

that were
so overwhelming,

that it needed
to be expressed in writing.

In the newspaper.

Ma, I thanked you
at the graduation.

Yes, you made some vague
reference to some "mother"

in front of a few people
on a lawn.

What?

You never mentioned
my name.

It was, quite frankly,
rather perfunctory.

Oh, come on.

Yet, Debra's magical smile

gets all the credit
in front of--

what's the circulation
of the paper?

- Oh, it doesn't matter.
- 850,000.

850,000.

What about my smile,
Raymond?

What about my smile?

And I like it when they dump
the Gatorade on the coach's head.

That's funny.

Did you see the paper?

Yes, she saw.
Hundreds of thousands saw.

Isn't it great?

Ray, that was so nice.

See, Deb, maybe it wasn't
such a big mistake to bring it up.

Thank you, Amy.

Go ahead, Robert.

Uh, Raymond, your success is
your success and not my failure.

And so as any
good brother should be,

I am happy for you.

Both my sons
are whipped!

However, Raymond,

if anybody should get
credit for your success,

it should be me.

- Robert!
- That's right! Admit it!

You owe your success
to the pathological desire

you've always had
to be better than me!

What?

That's right.
Remember in school?

I was the writer
on the paper.

Before you even knew
how to pick up a pencil,

I had my own column--

"The View from Up Here."

You've gotta
be kidding me!

It makes as much sense

- as a fake smile.
- What?

Oh... you don't
whiten your teeth?

All you did was
teach him piano.

If it was up to you,
Ray'd have a job

playing "Love Story"
next to a perfume counter.

You all had
your chance with Ray

and you got him
as far as "futon guy."

Maybe I took him
the rest of the way.

That is absurd!

You can take
credit for the boy.

I'll take credit
for the man.

You can have credit
for the man.

Who the hell
would want that?

I just want credit
for the career.

So, you just cast aside
the mother.

Let me tell you--
it didn't start with a smile.

It started with 19 hours
of horrible labor.

But before that,
there was a smile.

Also horrible.

I want my credit.
I deserve it!

Did you see
the newspaper today?

- Oh, it's a terrible newspaper.
- Hey, listen...

All right, stop it.

Stop it! Stop it!

Nothing's ever enough
for anybody in this house!

What do you want?
You want--

okay, here it is.
You ready?

Everybody?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Robert.

I owe my career to you.

That column you did
in grammar school

about noogies
versus wedgies,

that's the reason
that I go to work every day.

And, Amy,
I don't know what I did

before you came
into this family

to point out my mistakes,
but thank you!

And Dad!

There's something I always
wanted to say to you.

I've never said it before,
but I'm gonna say it right now!

You are the mole
on the backside of my success.

Sweet Mama.

Without your pushing,

I would still be
in your womb.

And you, wife...

without you,

I'd have nothing
but "heart-acha-chuh."

He thanked me first.

He saved me for last.

He said the most
meaningful things about me.

Why was he so fruity?