08x23 - Golf for It

[bunniefuu]

Hey, let me help you
with these things.

This is nice-- us working
together like this.

What's goin' on, Ray?

Okay, all right.
Here's the thing:

Robert and the guys,

they, uh, wanna
go golfing tomorrow,

and I said,
"No! No way!

Because it's--
it's the weekend,

and the weekend
is for family!"

But then--

Ray, Ray, Ray.
Spare me.

You wanna play golf,
go ahead.

Really? 'Cause I had
a lot more prepared.

Ray, just play golf.

You don't have
to put on a big show.

It insults me when you pretend
to be a good husband.

Okay.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, Raymond, did you talk
to a certain someone

about a certain something?

You don't have to speak
in code, Mr. Bond.

I already said yes.

So, Deb, since the guys
are leaving for golf tonight,

maybe you and l
should do something.

What? Tonight?

You said golf tomorrow!

Okay. See...

we're gonna play
Bethpage Black,

which is the most famous
public course in the country--

perhaps the world--

and the only way
to get a tee time

is to line up
in your car tonight

and wait there
until the morning.

And, uh... well--

Deb, please let him
do this.

I-i-it's for me,
Gianni and Andy

because, you know,
we don't like Ray, either.

It's just, I mean...
we need a fourth body.

And a van.

Go ahead.

Really?

Yeah, go.
Have a good time.

Thank you!

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Marie.

Oh, I'm glad
you boys are here.

My laundry room shelves
were delivered,

so you can put them up
tomorrow morning.

Oh, sorry, Ma, but Ray and l
are going golfing,

but we'll do it
for you on Sunday.

No no no.
That won't do,

because Lee and Stan are coming
for lunch tomorrow afternoon.

I-i-it's kinda all set, Ma.

So the list of things
more important than me

just keeps getting longer.

All right, how 'bout
doing the shelves now?

Do you have any time
for your mother now?

Well, actually,

we're supposed to leave
for the golf course tonight.

Oh. I understand.

Okay, go golfing.

Have a good time.

Just get in there.
Let's go.

Oh.

Oh!

You boys have done
a beautiful job

putting these together.

Thank you, Ma.
Thanks.

Do me a favor:
Don't sand them in here.

Sand them?

Of course. You can't paint them
until you sand them.

Paint them?!

I can't have unfinished wood
in my house.

It doesn't go
with the decor.

It's the laundry room!

This color will go very nice
with that orange box of Tide.

All right, look, Ma,

I'm gonna put it
back here for now,

and we'll paint it
on Sunday.

No, I have people
coming tomorrow.

Oh, you might as well--
just drag it out to the trash.

All right,
just call the guys

and tell them we'll meet them
at the course.

Really? I mean,
it's unbelievable!

Of course it is!

I'll be honest, Marie.
Looking at those shelves,

I think Lee's
gonna win this one.

What do you mean?
Win what?

Oh, Lee's all full
of herself

'cause her son
built a special box

for her spoon collection.

That has nothing
to do with anything.

Gimme a break!

That's why your mother wants to
drag Lee into the laundry room,

so she can show her
what you two do for her.

Ow!

That's why
we're doin' this, Ma?

Because-- 'cause Lee's son has
nothin' better to do all day

than to kiss
his mom's behind?!

Have you seen
Lee's behind?

It does take all day.

Yet we still felt bad,

Iike all we were doing
wasn't good enough.

We always feel bad.
We fall for it every time!

The guilt.
Your guilt!

If you feel guilty,
it's not because of me.

Yeah, right, Ma.
By the way, where's the limp?

Yeah!

I feel very sad.

All this anger against me...

because of your precious golf.

No! That's just the straw
that broke the camel's back!

You've been making us feel guilty
about stuff our whole lives,

and we're sick of it!

Sick!

Nothing is ever good enough,
and it's always our fault!

You can't speak
to your mother like that!

- You do!
- She's not my mother!

I'm sorry.
Look, the guilt trip-- it's over!

Come on. Let's get outta here.
And we're not movin' that!

That's right.
Amen, brother!

Fine! Go!

Leave an old,
crippled woman

with unfinished shelves
and an uncaring husband!

Yesterday,
that would've worked.

Okay, you guys
are number 16 in line.

- I'll be back at 5:00 a.m.
- Okay.

Boy, six and a half hours
sittin' in a car.

This is great.

Yeah, we went through hell
to get here,

but look at us now!

Bethpage Black, baby!

Doughnuts and stuff!

You guys wanna hear about
this dream I had last night?

- Was it a sex dream?
- No.

Then keep it to yourself.

- Hey. Hey, I had a sex dream.
- Oh, yeah?

And you were there,
and you were there--

Okay. All right.

Wacko!

I saw a guy outside the gate
selling sausage and peppers.

- Anybody in?
- Yeah.

- Me too.
- I'll go. I wanna stretch my legs.

What, so your feet
can touch the floor?

Very funny.

You're out of my dream!

Ahh...

Feelin' bad about Ma?

Yeah.

Yeah, but we were right
to leave, right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I'm glad you were
there with me, cubby.

Yeah.
No, we were good.

We stood up for
each other, you know?

We gotta remember that
for the future.

It's true 'cause we usually
let it divide and conquer us,

but tonight
it was you and me.

We had the power.
We b*at her.

Yeah. Yeah.
And she's tough to b*at.

- Oh! The guilt.
- Yeah.

She majored in guilt...

with a minor in crazy.

You know what?
I got a buddy on the force,

and his parents
just moved to California.

He sees them
twice a year, tops.

Ohh!

Oh, how great
would that be?

You know,
it would be, like, us...

America...

- them.
- Mmm.

Hey, you know where
old people like to go?

Florida.

Oh, yeah!

How do we get 'em
to go there?

Well,
next time it snows,

we show Ma
pictures of Florida

right after Dad has had her
shovel the driveway.

Yeah! Yeah!

And for Dad,
we just tell him that,

uh, Florida just became
underwear-optional.

Oh... how great
would that be?

Mom and Dad
a whole plane ride away.

Ah... it's fun
to think about.

Yeah.

Aw, who are we kiddin'?

They're not goin'
anywhere, are they?

No. They're gonna
be with us forever.

Well, until they,
you know...

Yeah.

Yeah, of course, Dad--

there's a good chance
that he's not gonna be...

Yeah.

Yeah. That's true.

He may be headed south
after all.

Oh, boy.
But it's weird,

just to picture Ma paddin'
around the house

with no one to yell at.

Well, you don't know that Dad's
definitely gonna go first.

Come on,
did you see the way

he was wolfin' down
that meatball sub tonight?

I don't exactly see him
blowin' out 100 candles.

Yeah.

I guess at some point
down the road,

we'll have to put Mom
in a home or something.

Yeah. Yeah, l-- I guess
that's what they do, right?

But-- but a nice one.

Oh, yeah.
A good one.

Not that kind
they investigate on the news.

No.

Huh-uh, it's gotta be
first-class, you know?

It's gotta have flowers
and-- and a television.

Yeah, but you know what?
She still won't like it.

Even if it's a nice,
old-age home,

she'll still find something
to complain about.

Yeah, true.

She'll probably try
to escape a lot...

which I think
they charge you for.

You know,
now that I think about it,

you and Amy'll probably
take care of her.

Wait a minute.

Why are you trying
to pawn her off on me?

No, no.
It's just that...

you're gonna move into that house
eventually anyway, right?

Why do you
assume that?

I just assumed that when--
when they go,

you'll get the house
and then you'll--

you'll finally have a house.

Oh, so now
I'm just a loser

who can't buy my own house
or make his way in the world,

so I'll just move
back with Mommy.

Look, I'm just trying to think
of what is best for Ma.

Oh, well,
aren't you a saint?

What?

'Course,
I can't help but think

what would be best for Ma
is for her to live out her days

in the place where she already
spends most of her time.

- Uh, no! No.
- Why? Why?

Come on, Raymond.
It's perfect.

One day she's over
at your house,

and then
she just doesn't leave.

Huh-uh.

I could drop off
her toothbrush

and a gallon of Jean Nate,
and she'd be all set.

- No! Listen--
- No...

- she's yours, Raymond.
- No, she's not!

All yours!

She can't stay in my house.
There's not enough room!

You've got plenty of room
downstairs in your office there.

Just put in a nice rug,

and put up a big picture
of you and her together.

Oh, she'll be very happy.

Okay, so, since you're too stubborn
to move into that house--

Iike we all know
is your destiny--

you're gonna force
your own mother

to live in a basement, huh?

A dark, disgusting basement

with the rats
and the cockroaches.

Raymond,
Raymond, Raymond.

Don't fight it.

Who do you think
she'd rather be with?

We all know
that you're the favorite.

And that, my friend...

is your destiny.

You are out of your mind!

She loves us both equally.

Oh, yeah, right!
Okay!

All right. All right.

I'll tell you what:
Why don't we do this--

we'll put her in the middle
of the room, call her name

and see who she comes to.

Wait a minute, Robert.

I-- I don't think you're taking
every factor into consideration.

You're forgetting a very special
little lady named Debra.

You think Ma wants to spend
the rest of her life

under the same roof
with her arch-nemesis?

Not likely.

But... whose wife
does she love?

Whose wife does she just think
is the cat's bananas?

Look,
don't bring our wives--

Yeah, that's right!
It's Amy!

Precious little Amy.

So, put Ma in the middle
of that room.

As soon as she gets
one look at Amy,

she's gonna come
scamperin' over to you

tongue out
and tail a-waggin'!

Damn it!

How about
we golf for it?

What?

Today.

18 holes.
Loser gets Ma.

What, are you kiddin'?

- What, are you chicken?
- No, I am not.

I was gonna destroy you,
anyway, so, fine.

This'll be the icing
on my delicious victory pie.

Yeah? We'll see who'll
be eating the delicious pie.

You are goin' down!

Oh, yeah? You're goin' down--
to your basement,

so you can pretty it
all up for Big Mama.

Nah. I don't think so.

I don't think so.

No, I b*at you pretty good
the last time, pal.

And I b*at you the last
three times before that.

Just so you know, I've been
practicing my putting

while Debra thinks I'm
reading to the kids, okay?

So-- so,
just get ready, man.

"Robbie, it's too cold
in the house.

Robbie, it's too hot
in the house.

Robbie, I hope you're
making a baby in there."

Yeah! Yeah! That's right.
That is correct.

She's gonna be with you
till the day she dies!

Okay, how 'bout this--

Forget about it.
Forget about it.

What?

Just-- I don't wanna
talk about it anymore.

What do you mean?

Nothing. It's just...

you know, one day
she's really gonna...

you know.

Well, yeah.

I mean...

Yeah.

I'll take her.

What?

I'll take her.
I wanna take Ma.

W-what do you mean
you're gonna take her? I--

What? You don't have
to worry about it.

What are you saying?

You just changed your mind
just like that?

You just said
you don't want her.

Well, maybe I changed my mind.

Maybe-- maybe--
maybe I want her back now.

It's too late.
I called it!

No, you can't call it,
Raymond.

I-- l-- I want her.
I really do.

All those things I said before
were just to annoy you.

Besides, I'm gonna move
back in that house.

That doesn't even matter!

- She's better off with me!
- No!

I'm tall and strong,

and I can carry her
up to her bed on my back!

So? I would be a better provider
for her than you would!

Why? Because you make more money?
You're gonna throw that in my face?

No, I'm just saying that
when it comes to money, I have more.

Okay.

Okay, you know what?

We're gonna golf for it,
but the other way.

Winner gets Ma.

- All right, fine! Bring it on!
- Oh, I'm gonna bring it!

Well, keep your receipt,
'cause you're gonna return it!

You keep the receipt!

Yeah, I will!

We don't even
have to do this,

'cause like you said before,
Ma loves me more!

Well, you know what?

She can love you
all she wants,

because I love her...

more than you do.

What?

You heard me.

I love Ma more.

Are you insane?

Deep down inside,
Raymond,

you know it's true.

Are you saying that
I don't love my mother?

Not as much as me.

You take her for granted.

But me?

I cherish every ounce of affection
that woman gives me

because I have to fight for it
like a dirty dog in the street.

But you?

You don't even have to try.

She makes it
so easy for you.

You're just a fat kid
sittin' with his mouth open

at the end
of a chocolate assembly line.

You disgust me.

I'm gettin' Ma.

You're not gettin' Ma.

Don't push me!

Ow!

Get-- get off me!

- Where are you goin', huh?!
- Aah!

- Get off me!
- Come here!

You leave me alone!

Come here, you!

You started it!

You started it!

- Get outta here!
- Come here!

Whoa!

Come here.
Come here.

Stop!

- Eat it! Eat it!
- No!

Don't! Stop!
Truce! Truce!

- All right!
- Truce!

Truce! Truce!

All right. Truce.

- Truce! Truce!
- Truce.

Truce. Truce.
No truce! No truce!

No truce!

Aah! Aah!

Oh!

Ohh... ohh...

- Enough now!
- Enough!

- Okay.
- Truce!

- Truce.
- Truce!

For real, truce!

Enough. Enough.

Truce.

Why do you always
gotta do the nipple?!

My nostril
is jellied shut.

Truce.

Truce.

Truce.

Truce.

These sausages smell good!

You guys owe me
three bucks each.

Okay, here's your--

This was exactly
like my dream!

Oh, hey!
There they are!

What happened?

Uh, he-- he hit a couple
of really bad sh*ts.

It's 8:00.
How long was golf?

Well, we did somethin'
after golf. Yeah.

Come on, Robert.

Here we go.
Pick it up.

Oh!

Here you go, Ma.

Oh, my goodness!

Yeah. Listen, Ma,
we're sorry.

We shouldn't
have yelled at you.

Yeah, we felt bad
all day.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

You're the best sons
any mother could hope for.

Why do I suddenly
want jelly doughnuts?

Oh, these shelves
are so beautiful.

And flowers!

Glad you like 'em, Mom.

Sorry they weren't ready
in time for Lee and Stan.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

Come on, you're gonna
carry these shelves

over to Lee's house
right now.

Okay.

All right, Ma.

Pick it up.

By the way, Deb,
I b*at Robert at golf,

so when Dad dies,
Mom's gonna live with us.