They bought a condominium
in New Jersey--
the Garden State Villas.
We want to
move there.
We get
the house.
- What?
- Our own house!
Goodbye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, it's been so long
since I've seen you.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Third time
in two weeks, Ma.
Only the third time.
Come in, sit down.
Your father's just on his way back
from the dining hall.
What do you do,
hose him off
and send him back?
Oh, boy.
Are you all right,
Raymond?
Yeah, it's just traffic
the whole way.
Usually it takes
85 minutes.
It took two hours
today and--
but no, I'm good,
I'm good. I'm good.
How are you,
Marie?
I tell you, now that I'm
in the Villa's production
of "The Unsinkable
Molly Brown"--
as Molly--
I'm in constant
rehearsal,
and I'm in voice
and movement classes
and yoga.
Oh, and by the way,
Raymond,
you need to
stop by the office
and cosign some
insurance waiver for me.
Oh.
No brakes! No brakes!
Oh!
Hi, Frank.
Hey, Dad,
I'm a little hungry.
Why don't you drive me
to the dining hall?
No, I don't want to
waste my guest passes.
Raymond,
sit down.
I'll fix us some lunch and then
we can have a nice conversation.
So, how are you,
Frank?
Fat.
The dining hall
is open 24 hours,
plus Marie is
cooking up a storm.
Some days
I eat 10 times.
Well, I'm glad to see
that condo living still agrees with you.
Yep, I'll tell you all about it
after I visit the throne room.
The seat in there
is cushioned and heated.
Ray, before you
go home,
you gotta give it
a test drive.
Try and stop me.
Boy, I have never
seen your parents
this happy. Then again,
I've never seen them happy.
Yeah. Yeah,
no, they're happy.
So how long
we gotta stay?
Ray.
I'm just saying,
you'll eat your sandwich,
then we'll get a jump on the traffic
on the way back.
All right,
enough with the traffic.
So you have to do
a little driving.
That problem is
more than outweighed
by the fact that I have
been allowed to exit hell.
It's just like
you like, Raymond--
egg salad with
extra egg.
- All right, thanks, Ma.
- Yummy.
Ooh, I had
a fantastic idea.
What if you and I have
some one-on-one time?
Next week,
come by yourself
and stay for
a few days.
Hmm.
No, I mean...
You know what,
Marie?
That's a great idea.
I mean, I'm gonna
miss Ray,
but I'll just
have to suck it up.
Hello?
Oh, you got a phone
in there too, huh?
Yeah...
Right in here.
Thank you.
Hi.
I'm Ray Barone.
Oh, great.
Please, have a seat.
- Thanks. I'm Debra.
- Hi.
Yeah, my mom said I need to
sign some insurance form for her.
And also...
ask about
a rollaway bed for me.
Yes, Mr. Barone,
I'm glad you came by.
We need your parents
to move out.
What?
I'm sorry
to be so blunt,
but there have been
a number of issues,
and they need
to go.
Wait a minute.
You're kicking
them out?
Yes.
I don't understand.
Frank and Marie seem
incredibly happy here.
I assure you,
they're the only ones.
Your father's been tearing
around on his golf cart
endangering
pedestrians.
Oh?
When our security guards
warn your father,
he turns his cart
and aims for them.
One time
he shouted, uh...
"Hit the monkey,
win a cookie!"
If this were
the only issue,
we might be able
to work through it.
But your father's
overall demeanor is...
sort of
like a maniac.
One night we caught him
inside the walk-in fridge
eating
an entire bologna.
But as bad
as your father is...
Oh, boy.
...your mother has brought
the morale of our community
to an all-time low.
Go ahead, Katie.
None of the other women
want to be around her.
You know, she has
this way of appearing
to give
a compliment
when actually
she's insulting you.
And she's critical
of everything--
clothing, hair...
cooking.
- I just...
- I don't know
where this is coming from.
Marie must be making
some friends.
Isn't she in the cast of
"The Unsinkable Molly Brown"?
That is now
a one-woman show.
And when I tried to talk
to her about all this,
she said
that my rude tone
might be the reason
I don't have a husband.
So, we'd like you
to take them with you.
We have people
to help you pack.
Now hold on.
We are not gonna
sit here
and listen to you
run down
these good
people.
I don't think
you've even considered
that the problem just
may be everyone else.
Well, l--
Frank and Marie
Barone
are fine,
religious people.
They might be opinionated,
but I find that refreshing.
And Marie may have
bruised some feelings,
but it's important to remember
that everything she does
comes from love.
I understand
that you're upset.
Please don't make us
take them back!
- I'm sorry--
- Is it money?
'Cause we could
pay more money.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
We have to think of
the entire community.
See, our philosophy
here is
"Let's all be happy
till the end."
Some of our residents
have threatened
to stop taking
their medication.
I understand,
but isn't there
something that we...
just...
something?
Ray?
Can we
live here?
Don't you love
our new couch?
You know what?
I really do.
I'm starting to love
everything now.
I was gonna do
my workout
on the new Muscleflex
after dinner...
but you know what?
What?
Drinking makes you
happy with your body
the way it is.
Hi, guys.
You're back early.
We have to talk.
About what?
Hi.
What did you do
to the house?
Look who's here.
Marie,
Frank. Hi.
We weren't expecting you
to visit so soon.
Why didn't you tell
us you were coming?
We really have
to talk.
Where are
my things?
Okay, all right, Ma,
calm down.
No, you
calm down.
First your father
gets us kicked out
of my dream
condominium,
and now these two
have ruined the house.
Kicked... out?
Me? You're the one
who sunk us, Molly Brown.
And you're the one
who ate the whole bologna.
Hi.
It seems that
Frank and Marie
were asked to leave their
retirement community
because...
well, you can
imagine.
They were also
asked to not live
in any neighboring
communities.
I don't understand. I mean,
I don't want to understand.
Oh, crap!
- Robert, the new couch!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's why you have
plastic on a sofa.
So you're not living there anymore?
Just like that?
Isn't there some sort
of appeals process?
I'm sorry.
Is it money?
We can pay more money.
Amy,
Amy--
I tried.
There is
no amount.
Raymond, how could you
let this happen?
What are you talking about?
I didn't let it happen.
But you just
sat there.
I think deep down he wanted them
to be kicked out
because Ray doesn't like
to drive in traffic.
Well, how do you like
driving in this?
Better get used to this 'cause
it's what you're gonna be driving in,
you selfish,
selfish...
The couch!
My arm!
I liked that condo!
I was the lead in
a Broadway show!
All right,
stop it!
Enough! Everybody
just calm down.
I think I know
what the problem is.
Part of me
always thinks,
"Why can't
Mom and Dad
get along
with Debra and me...
and Robert...
and Amy?"
And I say
to myself,
"Maybe it's us."
Maybe it's us,
because they're the parents
and we're supposed
to respect them and--
and honor them, like they're Chinese
or something.
And we don't.
We don't always.
And maybe it's us.
But today...
after 40 years,
I think I've actually
figured something out.
It's not us.
It's you.
People from your own
World w*r ll world
have spoken.
And it's you!
Had to be said.
Well, I guess you
told me, Raymond.
Some have said
that ours was
the greatest generation.
But I guess
you know better.
I had my dream
toilet.
And now I'd like
to inquire
as to the whereabouts
of my possessions--
my sofa
and my piano.
They're in
the basement.
Ah...
the basement.
So, I'm not gone
a month
and my
100-year-old
priceless Bulgarian
upright piano
is in the basement.
And has been replaced
by you...
with this.
Do you even know
what that is, Ma?
Yes, I do know
what that is!
I may be an ancient relic
as far as you're concerned,
but I'm still able
to know what things are!
This is
a sex machine.
Ma!
Can I go
for a ride?
It's not a sex machine.
It's for exercise.
I don't care
what you call it.
Look at this place.
You two have turned
my home
into the Playboy
Mansion.
Ma, we've hardly
changed anything.
I need my aspirin.
Does someone want
to explain to me
what is
happening now?
Yeah, you might
have a problem.
A problem?
Um-hmm.
I bought this house
fair and square
for $26,000,
Raymond.
Okay, all right.
But where are they gonna go?
Where are they gonna go?
How about your house?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, I do think so.
All right, all right.
All right.
Robert, you have
every right
to be upset.
But I will
get a stepladder
and fight you
to the death over this.
- I'll fight you both.
- Robert!
I don't care anymore!
I'll go to prison.
- Put her on your shoulders, Raymond!
- I don't need her.
How about I hit you
with your own wife?
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
There's all this strange
food in the refrigerator.
But first, let's put
everything back where it was,
and then I'll go
food shopping.
No, Ma, we're not
putting anything back.
You understand?
The furniture is staying right here,
and so is my
Muscleflex. Okay?
This is our
house now!
And if you'll
excuse me,
good night.
Aaah! Oohh!
Oohhh!
Oohhh!
- Robert--
- No.
- May I say something?
- No!
No, see,
I know you, okay?
And you're gonna
start talking,
and then you're gonna be
all nice and sweet and loving,
and then
we're screwed!
This is definitely
not a sex machine.
- Robert--
- No!
You...
don't... talk...
any more!
Stop. Stop.
This has been
a very upsetting day
for me and
for your father.
And I don't know
which is worse, honestly--
the heartlessness
of a society
that has such
little regard
for its aging
population,
or the rejection
of one's own family.
All right.
You know what, Ma?
You win.
You can take
the house.
We're gonna move back
into Amy's apartment.
Call your
landlord.
Um, unfortunately,
that's impossible.
It was rent-controlled
and it's gone already.
Gone.
Well, you're welcome
to live here
until you find
a place.
Oh-- oh, no no no
no no no. No no.
You see, that is never
gonna happen, okay?
So just get that out
of your big, blonde head.
- No way.
- Wait--
You know,
maybe we could save up
for our own place quicker
if we stay here
for a while.
And besides,
we just spent
a fortune on furniture,
and we can't even return
the couch or the Muscleflex
because you just
ruined them...
sweetie.
My life--
what has happened
to my life?
Was this your
plan? Huh?
You sat up there
and you put me
through everything
and then let me
end up like this?
Well, let me tell you
something, mister:
you...
are not funny.
He does screw
with him a lot.
Mom.
If in fact...
you are serious
about your proposal,
then...
...we accept.
Good.
You see, everything
happens for a reason.
And the important thing is,
we'll be together.
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Sorry.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I got a good feeling about this.
I hate this chair.
But then again,
my ass has been spoiled.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up,
neighbor?
Ma wants to know
if you and Debra
are coming over to watch the opera
on television
with them and us
tomorrow night.
Nah...
I don't think so.
That's what
I told her.
This is the saddest
thing I've ever seen.
Hey.
Hi, Amy.
How's it going?
Marie wanted to
make sure you knew
before you decided,
that Placido Domingo
was singing this
particular opera.
Oh, yeah?
Thanks.
But I don't
think so.
That's what
I told her.
God is funny.
09x02 - Not So Fast
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.