09x03 - Angry Sex

[bunniefuu]

Robert, let's get a move on.

- Okay.
- I said, "Let's go!"

I'll meet you there.

What are we,
like a freaking herd?

- What are you doing?
- You gotta go.

Everybody's going, man.
So just get out.

What's the hurry?

I'm gonna have sex.

Since when?

All the pieces
are in place--

the kids are
at a sleepover,

Debra had a glass
and a half of wine,

and this morning
I saw her shaving her legs.

- I can't even have a drink?
- Don't you get it?

I'm dealing with
a very delicate mood here.

It's like a juggler
on a tightrope.

The slightest vibration
on that wire...

dead juggler.

So, no, you're not blowing this
for me, man. Get out.

I hope I'm having sex one day
when you need a drink.

All right, everybody,
let's go.

I thought you were
gonna have a drink first.

I'll just get something
out of Dad's liquor cabinet.

The hell you will!

Back to the party.

Oh, Debra, I'd like to take the boys
to that Happy Zone tomorrow,

- if that's okay with you.
- That would be great. Thank you, Marie.

It's my pleasure, dear.

And while we're out,
I'll just get them haircuts.

- Okay, bye.
- No, wait!

Marie, they don't
need haircuts.

Oh, but they do.

Maybe you haven't noticed,

but the boys look
a little slovenly lately.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, no.

What are you saying, Marie?

That my kids look like hobos?
Is that what you're saying?

Heavens no!

Hobos have beards.

I hate when
you do this, Marie.

- Do what, dear? Help?
- Yeah yeah.

That's all she's doing.
She's helping.

Okay. Well, good night,
you big helping mommy!

Look out!

Marie, why can't you just
be direct with me?

Well, I'm sorry.

But it's hard to be direct with someone
who jumps down your throat

every time you make
a helpful suggestion.

There.
Is that direct enough?

You know what, Marie?

I'll take the boys
to the Happy Zone,

and I'll take care
of their haircuts

and I'll do it all
without you!

How is that for direct?

That's fine with me, dear.

At least you're finally
doing something about it.

Come on, Robert,
let's go.

Unbelievable!

Well...

I'll get outta your way.

I guess you've got
a juggler to bury.

How 'bout your mother, huh?!

How 'bout your mother?!

I know.
She's terrible.

Nighty-night.

I can't sleep!

I'm seething!

She actually
has me seething!

You know what? You shouldn't
let her ruin your evening.

And probably the best way
to get even with her is to just--

just do what you had planned,
you know?

I mean, for instance,
if you were gonna watch TV,

then just watch TV.

Or if you were
gonna do something--

I don't know...

interactive.

What?

Are you trying'
to have sex now?

No no no.

I'm just brainstorming.

Yeah.

Forget it.

Your mother's
ruined the whole night,

just like she's ruined
every other night!

Oh, what the hell!

Wait-- oh, you see? He was
already warming up in the bullpen,

so why has he gotta
do it again on the mound?

That's why the game
takes so long.

Then put on
that Spanish game show

with the hot chicas
running around all crazy.

Oh, si!
Que loca, loca, loca!

Yi yi yi yi yi yi!

All right, all right! Just leave
the game on, you sex-starved animals.

Oh...
first of all,

I'll put on any channel I want
because this is my house,

and you're just here to make us
seem good-looking.

Second of all, if you knew what went on
in this house last night,

the last thing
you'd be calling me

is "sex-starved,"
my friend.

Does the term...

"angry sex"
mean anything to you?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

You mean like
when the wife gets angry

'cause we wrap it up
a little too soon?

No.

Hey, what is she
mad at you for?

She wasn't mad at me.
She was mad at my mother.

And I don't know,

it just freed up
something in her,

and she channeled
that anger

in a very hot fashion.

Did she curse?

She said some things, man.
She said some things.

- Oh, sweet!
- Come on!

All right, all right!
That's enough!

What's your problem?

That's disgusting!

Talking about your wife
like that to these creeps.

What?
They're my friends, all right?

So mind your own
fat-ass business.

Yeah.

Yeah, shut up.

My rear end is
appropriately proportioned...

Raymond.

And I'd like to say
something else,

exploiting someone's anger for your
own gratification is repugnant.

And double repugnant
is then bragging

to your monkey pals
about it.

The deepest form of intimacy
between a man and a woman

Xshould be a private thing,
and remain sacred.

- Hi, we're back.
- Oh, hey.

Why so soon?
What, did you run out of money

or the mall
run out of stuff?

I just didn't
feel like shopping.

- I'll call you tomorrow, Amy.
- Okay, night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Well--

- Now what?
- Oh, Ray, this is all my fault.

We were having
a great time,

and then I brought up
this whole Marie thing,

just trying to help
work it out,

and she just got
angrier and angrier.

Did she curse?

- What?
- Okay-- all right,

Iook, Amy,
you tried, okay?

But you know what?
I know how to handle this.

So, guys, if you don't mind,
I'd like to tend to my wife.

- Of course, Raymond.
- Keep us informed.

Okay, all right.
Okay.

Oh, you are going
straight to hell.

And you're going back to live
with Mommy and Daddy.

You win.

One other thing, Raymond--

a man without respect
for the sanctity of love

is a soulless man.

You are a very big girl.

Oh, Raymond?

- Oh, good, your home.
- What are you doing?

Listen, I need
to talk to Debra.

Oh, yeah. Well, now's a bad time,
so maybe tomorrow.

No no, Raymond, listen.
I saw that talk show today

- with the four ladies...
- Yeah?

...and they had this
relationship doctor on

who said, "Every time
you leave a family member,

you must treat
that person

as if you'll
never see them again."

I love you, Mom.
Good bye.

No no no no.

That got me thinking
about Debra,

and then there was
this commercial

about household bacteria,

and that really got me
thinking about her.

And then I said to myself,

"This can't be
just coincidental."

No, I have to apologize
right now, Raymond.

Oh, that's nice, Ma,
but what can I do?

She's-- she's sleeping.
She's actually sick.

- She's sick?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

And you know what they say:
"You don't wake the sick

unless you forgot to take
the thermometer out."

So, you should...

maybe you should
just go now.

- Oh, all right, all right.
- Yeah.

- Let me leave this here.
- Okay. All right. Put it in there.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And, Raymond, please tell her
that I want to talk to her,

and apologize like that
TV show with the ladies.

Okay. All right.
I will, Mom.

Oh, and, Raymond, you have to be
careful about thermometers,

especially
the old-fashioned kind.

I know.
I know, Ma.

We had this problem with Robbie
because he has a big bottom--

Okay, I know.
Bye.

Hey hey.
You still up?

- Yeah, what are you running around for?
- Oh, no no.

No, I wasn't running. Sometimes
I like to pretend I'm a cougar.

Yeah,
that's funny.

I still can't sleep
because of this thing

- with your mother.
- Oh, man, that stinks.

Can I help? Are you thirsty?
You want some wine?

She just sets me off,
and then she leaves.

But it stays with me, and I just
get angrier and angrier.

Well, there must be something
you can do to relieve the tension.

What could it be?

You're right. You know what?
I should apologize.

- Oh! What?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's always
this way, you know?

The sooner I accept the blame,
the sooner all this will all go away,

and it'll be better
for everybody.

- Yeah? Really?
- Yeah.

You don't need me brooding
around here all week.

Hey, I'm the last person
you should be worried about,

but, no, you're right. You should go
apologize. I'm sure you're right.

Yes. In fact, I heard
she's sitting over there

waiting for you
to apologize!

What?!

Well, yeah, because
she knows you always do,

no matter how wrong
she is, but uh--

no, but you're right.
You shouldn't let her happiness

get in the way
of your dignity.

Oh, damn her!

I'm not going over there!

What?
What is this?

If she thinks
I'm coming over there,

she can sit there all smug
till hell freezes over!

Whoa! This is
a complete turnaround.

Great. Now I'm not gonna
be able to sleep again.

She is k*lling me!
Your mother's k*lling me!

Here here. I hate
seeing you like this.

I really do.
Here, just relax.

Relax.
Yeah yeah.

God.

- Ow!
- Ooh, did I bite you?

Yeah yeah,
you did.

Mm-mm!

- Good morning, Raymond.
- Oh! Good morning.

- How's Debra feeling?
- Oh, yeah.

No, still sick, yeah.

I think it's, like,
a three-day thing she's got.

This is the beginning
of day two,

so maybe we'll see you
on day four.

Well, she must be very sick,
because she can't even pick up her phone

- to thank me for apologizing.
- What?

You told her I was apologizing
last night, didn't you?

Of course, yeah.
Yes.

It's just she's so sick,
she fell asleep right after I told her.

- Oh, is she that sick?
- Yeah.

Maybe I should check on her.
Where is she?

No no no no, Ma. You shouldn't go,
because you're susceptible.

You know what they say--
children and the elderly,

it just--
it affects them more.

And we have
to face facts--

you are getting
a little elderly.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We're going to the flea market.
You guys wanna come with us?

We can't.
Debra's sick.

Really?
She was fine yesterday.

Yeah, well,
yesterday--

if we could all go back.

Raymond told me
she was so sick last night

he wouldn't even
let me see her.

Oh, he must've been tending to her,
right, Raymond?

That's right.

Marie, where the hell
are you running to?

- I didn't even get breakfast!
- So, Ray?

What do you wanna
do this morn--

Oh.

Debra,
you look well.

- Thank you.
- Shouldn't you be in bed?

- What are you talking about?
- Raymond said you're sick.

She was.
You are.

Last night when I kissed your head,
you had a fever.

In fact,
you could be delirious.

This could all be a dream.
You should go back to bed right now.

Hey, nobody told me
there was cake!

I brought it over
last night.

- You were over here last night?
- Yes.

Hey, all right!
Let's have some of that cake!

Let's have some cake.

I came over to apologize.
I told Raymond.

- What?
- I thought she was being sarcastic.

I wasn't sarcastic.

I told you about
that bacteria commercial,

and I was very sincere.

I even made Debra a cake
to say I'm sorry.

Well, I don't remember
any of that!

So you didn't tell her?

Well, look,
I vaguely remember

you said something about Debra,
but as far as an apology,

Iook, it certainly
wasn't clear--

all right, look,
let's just forget about it!

Let's just forget about it.
Let's all have some cake

that says
"I'm sorry" on it.

That's a great cake, Ma.

Can't wait to see
Raymond eat it.

Is there anything
you'd like to say, Ray?

Why didn't you tell Debra
that I was going to apologize?

- Honestly, for real? Okay.
- Yeah.

Debra, you just weren't ready
to receive that message.

Sometimes in life,

things gotta get a lot worse
before they get better.

It's just like shoes!

Sometimes when they're new,
they're not so comfortable,

but when you b*at 'em up a little,
then they're great.

It's just like now.

That doesn't even
make any sense, Raymond.

Not to you,
because you buy your shoes

at the same place
you get your wide-load pants.

- Wait a minute.
- No, this family can't wait, Amy!

What does it matter
what my method was?

What matters is that
everything is fine now!

And you know what?
That's what the cake should say.

"Everybody's fine"!

So...

Marie, you came over
to apologize last night?

I did, and I learned
from the four ladies

that nothing is worth
fighting over this way.

And you're right.
If I have something to say,

I should just come out with it
or keep my mouth shut.

Your mouth?

That's like
trying to hold back a--

I'm sorry,
I was eating.

Set me up again.

Wow, Marie, that's--

Wow! That means
so much to me.

I...I'm so surprised.
Thank you.

Yeah, that's nice.
Everybody, let us eat cake.

Wait a minute, Ray.

Why didn't you tell me
she came over to apologize,

especially when you knew
how angry I was?

Hold on to something.

I told you,

you weren't ready
to receive it.

I needed to calm you down.

Oh, you needed to calm me down.
It's more like you needed--

Oh my God.

You're like a sex maniac!

What?

What does that
even mean?

He didn't tell Debra
because he wanted to get sex?

Evil sex.

Evil, twisted,
dirty sex.

No no!

I'm disappointed,
Raymond.

You're supposed to think
of your mother before sex.

Oh, I know what
he was doing.

The action is always better

when there's a little fire
in the furnace, right, Ray?

No! No.
That is so wrong.

Crazy old man!

Come on! Why do you think
I give this one such a hard time?

When she's steamed up,
everything's better.

I'll tell you,
the angry sex is good.

But what I really love
is the angry steak pizzaiola.

- You're a pig!
- Good!

Use that for
the lasagna tonight.

Look, Debra,
this--

I told him, Ma.
You must always be sensitive

to your wife's emotions.

You, my boy...

are a girl.

All right.

You wouldn't talk to me
this morning,

you wouldn't talk to me
this afternoon.

And you wouldn't
talk to me tonight,

but there's something
I want to get off my chest.

And it doesn't matter if you wanna hear
it or not, because I am gonna say it.

Yes, I may have
used your anger

in a pleasurable way,

but that pleasure
was not just my own!

Huh?
So if I use you,

you use me
right back, lady!

Admit it.
It was like therapy for you.

You used me like
I was your therapist!

Your physical therapist!

So before you judge me,

you look yourself in the mirror
without the makeup on!

That's right!
And you ask yourself,

"lsn't this
what marriage is?

The mutual using
of each other"!

I think so!
And let me tell you,

we will get past this
unpleasantness as a couple

if you will let me
sleep here tomorrow.