09x08 - A Job for Robert

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, we got anything to eat over here?
- Hey.

Thought your mom
was making pancakes.

She was, but she gave
the good ones to Robert.

Totally shorted me
on the blueberry sauce.

I had less on my plate
than he had on his face.

Well, that's weird,
because Amy says

that the service has been
exceptional over there.

Well, my tongue
should be blue,

and it isn't.

You know, I never thought
I'd say it,

but we really do love
living over there.





Hello, dears.

- Hey, Marie.
- Hey, Marie.

Look at Amy.

You look
marvelous, dear.

Doesn't she look
marvelous, Debra?

Why wouldn't she?
She's living with you.

- True.
- Yeah.

Raymond, I meant
to ask you a favor,

but you left
so quickly.

I was wondering if you could put up
my storm windows for me,

'cause lately,
I've been getting a chill

while I'm doing
my morning calisthenics.

Wait wait wait.
Storm windows?

Why can't Robert do it,





or is he sleeping off
his blueberry high?

Sure, Marie.
Robert could do it.

- Robert has other things to do.
- What? What's he do?

He puts his life on the line every day
to protect the community.

- He doesn't need any more stress.
- Stress?

He can't pop in a few
windows at the house

where he lives rent-free?

You know,
this lazy side of you

is very unattractive,
Raymond.

But fine.

My joints are a little stiff,

but I'll just bundle up
and hope for a mild winter.

All right, Mom.
I'll put in the windows.

Thank you.

I don't know why
you'd want to make

a house that Dad
lives in airtight.

- Take it off.
- Aahhh!

What are you doing
peeping in my window?

Sorry. It's just...

I like 'em big.

What are you doing there?

I'm doing your job. I'm changing
the stupid windows.

Oh, yeah,
since when is that my job?

Wait a minute. What happened
to my room here, huh?

What is all this stuff?
Is this a refrigerator?

- Raymond, please, I'm very busy.
- Look at all this.

I knew Amy took
a nip once in a while.

I didn't know
she was a wino.

This is not Amy's doing.
Ma put this in for us.

Now if you don't mind,
I would like to get dressed.

What's with the candles

and massage oil?

Well, Ma gave us a gift basket
when we all moved in together.

That's right.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

How come Mom's doing
all this for you all of a sudden,

with the special treatment

and candles and wine,

massage oil?

Oh.

- Oh!
- What what?

Grandchildren.

She wants grandchildren,

and she's doing all she can
to grease the wheels.

- Oh, get outta here.
- No, it's gotta be.

Come on, you're a cop.
Put it together.

This isn't a gift basket.

It's a love basket.

Why do you think Mom doesn't want you
working around the house?

She's got a much
bigger job for you.

You know what?
You're just jealous.

- I'm telling you.
- No, you are wrong.

You see, what you can't stand is
how much Mom likes me and Amy.

- What?
- That's right.

You see, as a team,
and you very well know,

me and Amy b*at you
and Debra hands down.

- Oh, give me a break.
- It's simply mathematics, Raymond.

You see, if you take
Ma's love for you,

subtract it by her distaste
for Debra,

compare it to her
disappointment in me,

add in her adoration
for Amy,

we end up winning
by 15 points.

Yeah, 15 points.

That's right.
Now if you don't mind,

- I would like you out of my room.
- Yeah, your room.

Yeah, that's right.
And if you don't leave right now,

I will take off my robe
and hug you.

One...

- Shut up.
- Two.

- Don't be stupid.
- Three.

Sorry, Ma.

I remember it from the tub.

Listen, Robbie,
I was at the store

and I picked up some
boxer shorts for you. They're satin.

Thanks, Ma, but you know,

boxer shorts
aren't really my thing.

That's nonsense.

These briefs that you wear
are much too tight.

And look,

they match Amy's eyes.

Oh my God.

Ooh. Oh, soft.
It's so soft.

Okay, all right.
I'll let you get your rest, Robert.

You got a lot
of work to do.

No no, wait a minute.
This can't possibly...

Oh, wake up,
my friend, huh?

You think you're in your bedroom,
but you're really in...

the incubator!

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

Hey, what is it?
Hey, cute boxers.

- We're being played.
- What?

You know all that nice stuff
that Mom's doing for us?

It isn't because
she cares for us.

She wants us to breed.

We're Ling-Ling
and Hsing-Hsing.

Have you been raiding
our little fridge this morning?

And you see, that's all
part of it...

the alcohol, the candles,
the oil.

You mix all that together
and you know what you get?

A baby.

I guess the girls get
a different slide show than the boys.

Listen.

Listen to me, Amy.
Mom is only doing this for one reason.

She's trying
to seduce us.

You like these boxers,
huh, do you?

Well, she bought them because they match
your eyes and won't squeeze my peas.

Robert, where is this
coming from all of a sudden?

I'm a cop.
I put it together.

Don't you understand, Amy?

We are living in
a baby factory!

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

I'm searching for bugs...
hidden cameras, listening devices.

Robert, you're going crazy.

Am I?

What have we here, huh?

We're onto you, Ma.

We're onto you.

Robert, that's a thermostat.

We'll just see about that.

This is just a thermostat.

But look...

it is set to 72?...

optimum spawning
temperature.

All right, Robert.

I know your mother likes to get
involved in people's lives,

but do you really think
she's trying to seduce us?

- What is that?
- Just a CD.

- Where'd you get it?
- Your mom gave it to me.

Oh.

Barry White?

That is odd.

Odd? Barry White?
You think this was in her collection?

You think she listens to...

Oh, baby, take off
that brassiere, my dear.

That's not Mom.

No. Ah.

She will stop at nothing!

Wow.

You know, I was actually thinking

that Mom was starting
to appreciate me

for myself,

just like she
appreciates Raymond.

Idiot idiot idiot!

Oh, Robert.
It's okay.

She appreciates you.

Yeah.

I'm her prize stud.

Hey, if you think about it,

she appreciates you so much

that she can't wait to have

a bunch of little Roberts
running all over the place.

Little Roberts.

Or little Robertas.

You know, it's actually
kinda sweet

in its own manipulative,
creepy way.

It's like she built
a little nest for us.

I don't know.

Maybe we should
think about it.

What do you mean?
We have a plan.

Our ducks aren't
in a row yet.

We're still trying to get up
enough money together.

We don't have our own house.

Our ducks
are all over the pond.

Well, maybe all our ducks

don't have to be in a row.

I mean, I don't know.

We're married,
that's a big duck.

It's not like we're never
gonna want kids.

What are you saying?

You mean... right now?

Oh, take off that brassiere,
my dear.

To hell with the ducks.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What? What is it?

My mom... I can't get her
outta my head.

We'll see about that.

No no.
She's still there.

I can hear her voice.
I can hear her voice:

"Go, Robbie, go!"

- Robert...
- I just can't.

It's too much pressure for me.
I can't breed in captivity!

I found a boomy box.

We're not animals!

Well, Dad, I didn't
have a lot of money,

but I got you a stripper.

Shh!

Damn. She's coming.

- Who?
- Ma.

Jeez, Ray, why do you
live so close to her?

Robert.

Robert, what is wrong?
Why did you run out of the house?

It's nothing, Marie.
I think we just need to be alone.

Well, that's fine.
Frank, Raymond, get out.

I want them to stay.
I need witnesses.

What's going on?

Okay, you ready
for this, Debra?

Turns out the reason why Mom's
been so nice to me and Amy

is because she's trying to manipulate us
into getting pregnant.

Oh.

I feel better now.

Admit it, Ma.

Ever since we moved in,

you've been luring us into
some kind of Venus sex trap!

First of all,

do not say
"sex trap" to me.

And second of all,

this is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

I resent the fact
that you see me

as this manipulative monster.

And by the way, what would be
so terrible if you and Amy had a baby?

Ma, try to understand.

- It's not the right time right now.
- I understand.

What do you think, Amy?

Well, I think we both
need to be ready.

But I am ready.

No, Marie.
Me and Robert.

Yeah, Ma.
You could see that, can't you?

Of course I can.

I only want the best for you.
Get your ass outta my house.

What?

Marie, you don't
mean that.

Well, If they want to live
in my house, there are certain rules.

Ma, come on.
Nobody's throwing anybody out.

No no.

Let's think about this.

Since Marie has been paying
so much attention

to them lately,
she's been nagging me less.

On the other hand,

this has also made
my dinners somewhat tardy.

Don't worry, okay?

We're moving out.
Come on, Amy. Let's go.

Robert, wait.

I don't know what
to say, Marie.

I feel used.

I mean,
I fell for all this.

With all due respect,

this is between
me and my husband.

And just so you know,

Robert even
was willing to try,

but he couldn't perform because
he couldn't get you out of his mind.

Amy!

Believe me,
and I've tried hard.

It takes a few years.

And worst of all,

Robert thought that maybe you
appreciated him for himself,

and not his...

All right, take it easy.

Amy, I don't know where
Robert gets this idea

that I don't
appreciate him. I do.

I do!

If anything, I have always
favored you over Raymond.

It's true.

And, Robbie, I may have paid
a bit more attention to Raymond,

but that's only because
he was a needy, soft,

weak little boy.

Ma...

You, on the other hand,
you've always been so strong.

I never had to worry
about you being bullied

on the playground,

because you were
always a boy who...

Had a five o'clock shadow.

Yes, maybe I was wrong
to try to create conditions

that would encourage you
to be fruitful and multiply,

as it says in the Bible.

But that's only because
it would be a waste

not to pass on
these strong legs,

these broad shoulders,

and this marvelous
set of teeth.

I'm sorry, Raymond,

but your teeth
were always a disaster.

Well, that's very nice, Ma,

but do you really
expect me to believe this?

No.

I don't expect you
to believe anything I say.

I obviously have failed
as a mother,

and I was only hoping to have
one more chance as a grandmother.

But, Marie,
you are a grandmother.

What about our kids?

Oh? Where are they?

Ally!

Michael, Geoffrey.

It used to be that
I'd walk through that door

and I'd be smothered
with hugs and kisses.

- Yeah.
- Grandma's here.

Hi.

- See?
- Oh, come on, Marie.

- You know they love you.
- Yeah.

Maybe if you just gave them
a little time to miss you.

Well, there'll be
plenty of time soon enough.

Hold on, Ma.

Did you really mean
those nice things you said about me...

you know,
about my strength

and my goodness
and my teeth?

I wouldn't have said them
if I didn't mean them.

And I really am the favorite?

Ma...

I'm sorry you had
to hear it like this, Raymond.

You know what, Ma?
I think Amy and I

can give it a sh*t.

Whatever you want, dear.

Come on, Frank. I want to make
them chocolate-covered strawberries.

I ate those strawberries.

I ate that chocolate.

I drank all the booze
in the little fridge.

Robert, are you sure
about all this?

- I just got the feeling that your mom...
- Yeah, I gotta tell you...

I can't believe
you fell for that.

Yes, it certainly looks that way,
doesn't it?

She may be treating me
as the favorite for now,

but after she gets
Amy pregnant,

I go back
to being number...

four.

- Wait a minute. You're number four?
- Okay, three.

But before that happens,

I plan on milking this
for a long time.

Aw, we shoulda just
kicked 'em out.

I can't even do this
for 15 minutes.