06x01 - Two Down, One to Go

[bunniefuu]

How come Darlene gets
three good-bye dinners?

You'll get yours next month
when they take you away.

Well, I just figure
I better feed her good

Before she gets up
to college

And won't be eating
nothing but junk.

Mom, you didn't finish
the chilli fries.

Oh, put 'em in the fridge.
We'll have 'em in the morning.

There's cake
in the fridge.

Dad, make mom
give us cake.

Woman, my son here
wants cake.

So does your man.

I better see me some

Cake fetching
going on here right now.

I mean it. Don't make me
come over there!

Son, I just lost control
of the house.

It's every man
for himself.

I--I got to hand it
to you, Roseanne.

You're handling Darlene
leaving pretty well.

Yeah, well,
it's been kind of

A real special week,
you know.

Kind of cool.

And, oh, i've got such
a great thing planned

For the drive up there
on Saturday.

We're gonna pull over,
you know,

And have a picnic,
and then we're gonna
get tattooed.

Oh...She's wanted one
for months.

I know. We're gonna
get matching

Mother and daughter
tattoos.

She's gonna get one
that says, "I love mom,"

And i'm getting a skull
with a great big snake
coming out of it.

Think i'm gonna cry.

Yeah, but i'm kind of
worried about how

It's gonna affect Dan,
her leaving, you know.

You know how bad
he freaked out
when Becky left.

Yeah, that was bad.

Him and Darlene,
they have that

Kind of a special
buddy thing going,
you know.

She's kind of like
his cool son.

Uh, mom, can I
talk to you a minute?

I need to ask you
a really big favor.

Well, let's see,
I let you go to art school,

Yeah, I guess
I owe you one.

I'll just be
out in the kitchen.

Unless you
want me to stay.

Well, you know
where i'll be.

Uh, I was
just wondering,

Can David take me
up to school

Instead of
you and dad?

Uh, well, Darlene,
of course not.

Well, I was just thinking
that if he took me

Then he'd feel like he was
still a part of my life.

And being as your such
a majorly cool mom,

A mom like no mom,

Head mom,

My main mom...

Well, you know, this
is very important

To your father, Darlene.

I think you
should ask him.

Ask me what?

Dad, I was just
wondering

If it would be okay
if David took me

Up to school on Saturday
instead of you guys.

I don't know.
What's your mom say?

Well, i'm okay with it,

But, you know, how do
you feel about it, Dan?

Sure, what the hell.
Who wants cake?

Thanks, dad.
You're the best.

Sorry about
those teen years.

Um, Dan...Are you
really sure, you know?

I know you were pretty
psyched about this.

I know. I'll see
her next week.

But you had like
the whole day planned.

I'll get drunk and watch
the bears game instead.

I'm flexible.

God, I hate it
when you do this, Dan.

Your daughter
comes in here,

She walks all over
your feelings,

And then you pretend
it doesn't bother you.

Everyone can see
how upset you are.

And here you are just
hiding all your feelings

In the stupid cake.

Now you've
ruined dessert!

I didn't think
i'd take it that hard.

[theme]

Hey.

How am I feeling today?

Aw, it sucks, Dan.

How come she won't let me
drive her to school?

She's almost .

Of course she'd rather
go with her boyfriend.

She's not even upset
about leaving me.

Look, if you're
this upset about it,

Tell her you thought
you were cool with it

But now you're not.

[scoffs]
I can't do that, Dan.

I can't become
queen geek now.

Well, then you'll
have to accept it.

But you could become
queen geek though.

I don't want to
be queen geek.

I can't go tell her
I have a problem

With David taking her,
but you could.

You already told her
David could take her.

Yeah, I know,
but so what?

You could forbid me
to do that.

In what universe?

Please, Dan. Please.

Forbid me.

I thought you were
supposed to be
the man of this house.

Oh, you did not.

[door closes]

[D.J.]
mom, i'm home
from soccer practice.

Do you smell?

Yes.

Then take a bath!

All right.

Aw, they're all just gonna
desert us anyway, Dan.

You know where
we went wrong?

We named 'em.

That's when you
get all attached.

I know, honey.

It's hard for me, too,

But kids grow up
and leave.

That's what they do.

I'm stuck!

Here, i'll
help you, son.

No, no, no,
wait.

What's this?

Well, I thought maybe
you could take me

Up to school
on Saturday,

And that way
you could

Keep my car
while i'm gone

And come visit me
whenever you wanted.

Darlene, sit down.

What is it?

I was thinking.

Maybe we should
get engaged.

Engaged?

Yeah.

David, are you
asking me to marry you?

All right.

David, this is
so...Stupid.

I just thought that
if we got engaged
things might be better.

Your mother might even
let us stay in the same room.

You're not gonna
change my mind.

I'm still leaving
for school on Saturday.

Well, then,
i'm not taking you.

Why not?

Because i've got a date.

You've got a date?

A minute ago
we were engaged.

Okay, I don't
have a date.

I just want you to know

That if you go away
to school

Then i'm gonna be
seeing other people.

You're breaking up
with me?

Now, wait a minute.

You're the one
who's leaving me,

So you're the one
who's breaking us up.

Oh, go to hell.

No, you go to hell.

[Darlene]
I wouldn't want you
to take me anyway.

I couldn't sit in the same
car with you for two hours.

Fine.
God, I hate you!

[door slams]

I really think she
needs to be alone now.

I really think she needs
a ride on Saturday.

Okay, but no gloating.

Oh, Darlene, I just
heard what happened.

You know, i'm going
through this huge thing

And all he's thinking
about is what he wants.

Well, that's men
for you, but listen.

We'll talk this
all out

On our drive up there
on Saturday.

I'm not waiting
'til Saturday.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I want to get as far
from this place as possible.

Well, yeah,
well, so do I,

But I can't get
any time off work
till Saturday,

And, you know, I kind of
want to take you up there.

Well, I don't care
what you want.

I never wanted you to
take me in the first place.

I just want to get
away from David.

I want to get
away from you.

I hate this
whole damn house.

Just leave me
alone, okay?

I got to get something
out of the car.

Honey...

[door closes]

What do you want?

What do you
think I want?

I want you to go out
there and apologize.

I want you to
tell your mother

That you want her to take
you to school Saturday.

No!

No? Why the hell not?

She's gonna go psychotic
when she gets up there

And she sees that I
have my own life now.

She's gonna rag
on everything.

My school, my apartment,
my roommate...

Yes, yes, she
absolutely will.

And every time
she slams you,

You'll know
she's suffering.

And the only way your
mother can deal with pain

Is to spread it around.

Why can't she just take it
out on someone else?

Don't worry,
she will.

She's gonna
ruin this for me.

I'm the one that's
going to school.

This is supposed to be
my big day, not hers.

Darlene, Darlene,
Darlene.

Where did you get
a stupid idea like that?

Look, honey...

Don't go to your mom
just 'cause I told you to.

Go to her because
she's your mother

And because
she's hurting.

Because she's got
too much pride

To show you
her feelings.

Well, that's it!

We're gonna take you
up there on saturday

And I don't give
a flying crap

If you like it
or not.

Or let her come to you.

...Weather-strip
the windows,

Spackle the ceiling,
fix the bathroom door lock.

Name the rats.

Hang in there, champ.

You know, you usually
have to go

To a movie theater
to find floors

With this kind
of texture.

Darlene, would you come
over here and help me

With this thing far away
from your mother?

So what did Darlene
say about me

On the ride up here?

She said nothing.
She did too, Jackie.

When me and Dan passed you
on that interstate,

I saw her with her face
all scrunched up.

She was doing me.

She was not.
She swallowed a bug.

Socks go in the top drawer!

Why?

Because
they just do.
Says who?

God!

I need some help getting
the rest of the stuff
out of the car.

Any volunteers, Darlene?

Ooh, dad, how subtle.

Your hair is going
out the door.

You might want
to follow.

This is your
last day together.

You want
to leave her like this?

Jackie, everyone on earth
knows the sock rule!

You are taking your daughter
to college, Roseanne.

You got what you wanted.

Yeah, but only
because I made her.

She can't wait for me
to get out of here.

Well, you're making
her miserable.

Any sane person
would want you out of here.

You can say good-bye
the right way

Or you can
say good-bye your way,

But you're not going to
get a second chance.

[Dan] okay.

That's the last of them.

[sighs]

So this is it
for windows, huh?

Yeah, why?

Well, that's because
too many windows can be bad.

Why is that, Jackie?

Well, the birds...

Birds can fly into
the windows and die, and...

Windows are very bad
for birds.

Well, at least you got
a pretty good view.

I mean, there's a tree,
there's some grass...

Where?

Underneath that dead guy.

Jackie, if you want
to make that dinner shift,

We got to leave now.

Okay. Aw, this is so cool.

I'm so proud of you.

You know,
someday I know that
you're going to write

This good-bye scene
in one of your stories.

So when you do,
give me something
really clever

And really wise to say.

And maybe a bigger chest.

You got 'em.

Oh, here's a credit card
for emergencies.

You can only use it once,

Because your grandma
doesn't know we have it.

Got it.

Oh, here's some pizza money.

Always tip the delivery boy.

He is your friend.

Got it.

Here's some
blackhawk games money.

Opening game,
you and me.

Deal.

Here's some dad money.

Just spend it, okay?

Okay.

If you need anything,
just call collect.

And don't worry,
every once in awhile

I'll stuff D.J.
in a hamper for you.

Headfirst, dad.

I'll follow
as soon as I finish

Getting her
unpacked here.

Drive safe
and don't flip off anybody
you can't outrun.

Bye.

Hey, Jackie,
you got any gas money?

Okay, so where
do you want me to put
your underwear?

Bottom drawer
with the socks.

I'm just going to
let you do it.

Well, I think we're done.

Well, we haven't
made up your bed yet.

I can do that.

You can?

Where did you learn
to make your own bed?

Picked it up on the street.

Well, i'll be damned.

Okay, well,
I guess i'll get going.

I got a lot of
important dishes to do.

Boy, it's getting dark
out there, isn't it?

Look at that.
It's clouding up.

Do you think
it might rain?

Yeah, I think it might rain.

Don't you have those
really crappy windshield
wipers on your car?

Oh, not anymore.

I switched them.

They're on the car
your dad's driving now.

Okay, good.

Well...

Well, you know,
since it's late and all,

You might want
to crash here
to avoid the rain.

Oh, well,

I never thought of that.

Yeah, you know,
it's up to you.

Whatever.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Whatever.

Yeah, either way.
Whatever.

Yeah, you know,
either way.

I could go home
or stay here.

It doesn't matter
to either one of us.

Eh, you know,
I don't know.

Well, maybe i'll stay.

Okay.

All right,
i'm going to go
get ready for bed.

I'll be right back.

Well, i'll be here.
Okay.

Hey, the rain's waking up
that dead guy.

Mom?
Yeah?

So what do you really
think of my apartment?

I really think it's cool.

You do not.

Yes, I do.

I'm jealous.

You're like the first
Connor woman to ever
have her own apartment.

I wish I could be
more excited about it.

Yeah, well,
how come you're not?

Because of that
whole David thing?

Yeah, he hates me now.

He wants to see
other people.

Oh, they always say that.

It's in the handbook.

But what if he does
see someone else?

Oh, Darlene,
David really cares
about you a lot.

Anyway, a boy that short
doesn't have that many options.

Mom, there's something
I kind of want to tell you.

Okay, I kind of
want to hear it.

I slept with David.

Oh.

Are you mad?

Mmm.

I don't know.
Was I home?

No.
Were you?

Yeah.
[sighs]

Well, jeez.

Big-time grown-up stuff, huh?

Yeah.

I was careful.

Yeah, well,
I knew you would be.

Are you
disappointed in me?

Mmm, no. Not really.

I kind of knew
all along anyway.

I just sort of
pretended I didn't

So I could, you know, live.

Well, how come
it's so much harder

To break up with a guy

After you've slept with him?

Well, because all human beings
connect sex and love...

Except for men.

Okay.

Were you a virgin
when you married dad?

Yes, I was.

Really?

Absolutely.
I still am.

Oh, so you weren't.

No, no.

Okay.
No.

Wow, my mom's
a big tramp.

Don't get so excited, Darlene.

I did it with your dad.

So dad's the only one
you did it with

Before you married him?

Of course.

Yeah.

Well, I guess--
yeah, yeah.

I'd have to say yeah.

Who else?

I said yeah.

Yeah, but you were
totally lying.

[Roseanne]
well, no.

According to the rules
I have set in my own mind...

I'm am going to say no.

No, your father is
the only one that counted.

Hey, you can't do that.

If you did it, it counts.

Hey, i'll tell you
whether it counts or not.

So, did it count with David?

Yeah.

David counts.

Well, that's good.

[sighs]

Thanks for staying, mom.

This is the first time
we've ever talked,

You know, like friends.

[Roseanne]
hmm.

Yeah, well,
we could be friends.

Definitely.

Yeah, that would be good
if we'd be friends.

You know, Darlene,

Even if I was not your mother,

I would still
like to know you.

Come on, honey,
this bed ain't
getting any warmer.

You know, Dan,
i'm a really good mom.

No arguments here.

No, no, no.

I mean, like, a really,
really good mom.

Like top five, you know?

Giving mary
a run for her money.

The haloed one
has got nothing on you.

And you don't suck
as a dad.

You're beautiful.
You're horny.

Get over here!

Yee-hee-hee!

Hee hee hee hee!

Yee-hee!

So you want to be ribbed
or tickled tonight?

Tonight let's not
use nothing.

You don't think
our lovemaking's
dangerous enough?

I want another kid.

What?

Maybe the fourth time
we'll get one of
them worker kids,

The kind that support
you in your old age

And avenge your death
like in movies and stuff.

Ah, a fictional child.

I'm going to
say this once, Dan,

And tomorrow
if you ask me,

I might deny that
I ever said it at all,

But I like having kids.

Our kids?

Remember when Darlene
was six and she took

One of your
unemployment checks

To school
for show and tell?

Aw, come on.

Honey, don't do this.

And remember
when Becky was eight

And she was singing along
with the radio

Trying to act real cool,

But she got all
the words wrong.

Remember?

gypsies,
chimpanzees

we heard it from
the people of the town

they called us

[both]
gypsies chimpanzees

and every night all
the men would come around

and lay the monkey down

It's not like I haven't
thought about this.

It's just you could be
a lot more rational
about it in minutes.

Okay, well,
I can wait minutes.

What the hell.

A fourth one won't k*ll me.

Yee!
Ha ha ha!

Yee-hee-hee!