06x03 - Party Politics

[bunniefuu]

Okay. You ready
to go?

Yeah, as soon as I finish
this mom crap.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Yeah...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Well, isn't that cute?

D.J. Just closed
his first drug deal.

What's he up to?

I have no idea,

But I have a feeling
that it threatens all

That is good and decent
in the world.

D.J., get out here!

Breakfast is ready.

Yuck.

These aren't
the microwave kind.

I know. The microwave
d*ed this morning.

It's okay to cry.
Your dad did.

I only like
the frozen ones.

Okay, fine.

They'll be ready
in an hour.

I have to go.
Where's my lunch?

Right there.

I'm gonna look
like a dork
carrying this.

Yes, you will,
but this way people
might think it's the bag.

I hate tuna.

I'm not gonna eat this.

Hey, I worked hard
to make that tuna sandwich.

You're gonna take it,
you're gonna go to school,

And at lunch
you're gonna trade it
for somethin' decent.

Fine!

What's his problem?

Well, i've seen it
before.

He's , he's crabby,

He's becoming a woman.

Aw, it happens
so fast.

Yeah. Well, I guess
he has to take over
for Darlene

Since satan transferred
her to Chicago.

And that teakettle, too,
unless you got a newer one?

Jackie!

Well, I gotta
furnish a house!

Well, hey, why don't you
weasel stuff out of
people the classy way?

Throw yourself
a housewarming party.

I can't do that.

If I have a party,
I have to invite mom,

And she'll come.

Then she'll be there.

All right, fine.

I'll throw you
a surprise party,

And I won't
tell mom. Okay?

And if she
finds out about it,

I'll take the heat.

No, you won't
take the heat.

You'll cave in
and ask her.

I will not.

You have no idea
how much I will not cave.

And I know just
what to tell people
to get you, too.

A microwave.

I don't need a microwave.

You're the one
that needs a microwave.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't it just great when
all the parts of your brain

Start workin' together
as a team?

George?

Yeah, she's gone.

You can come over now.

[theme]

Yeah, well, I know
a microwave's expensive,

But you shouldn't
be so selfish.

You should think
about Jackie for a change.

Well, maybe...Maybe
she could use a...

A, uh, a car.

No, a car would be crazy.

A mustache comb.

No, that's even better.

Yeah, you can
never have too many
-D pictures of Jesus.

Bye.

This is a teakettle.

No, this is a teakettle.

That is a teapot.

Oh, god!

Here comes Fred.

Oh, jackie's little huggums.

He's not my little huggums,

And he's not invited
to that party.

You know,
you ought to give
Fred a chance.

He's one of your better
sleazy one-night stands

That you've ever had.

You should get to
know him vertically.

Just let me handle it,
okay?

Tell him i'm not here.

Hey, Roseanne,
is Jackie around?

Jackie, did you want me
to tell him that you're gone

Or that you just stepped out?!

Thanks a lot, Roseanne.

Well, we both knew
I was gonna do it.

Hi, Jackie.
Hi, Fred.

This is where you leave.

Okay.

Well, you can't tell
with his clothes on,

But i'll believe you.

Hi.

Jackie, I know
you didn't want to

Talk about this
before,

But I just gotta
tell you.

I had a really nice time
the other night.

Well, of course you did, Fred.

We had sex.

Sex?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember now.

That was right after dinner

And right before
I thanked you for an hour.

Yeah. Fred,
you're very sweet--

Did you get the flowers?
I got the flowers.

Did you get the candy?
Yeah, I got the candy.

Did you get the bucks
on the end table?

Fred! Stop it.

I'll tell you what.

I made
a dinner reservation
for tonight.

Oh. No.

Listen, Jackie,

If we're gonna
have sex again,

I need to eat.

Fred, i'm just
not really ready

To have
a relationship now.

Then we can
be friends.

I'm--i'm not ready
to be friends.

Then what are you
ready for?

Well, I was ready
for the sex, and...

Now i'm done.

Fred, I got out
of a really bad
relationship,

And i'm not ready
to trust someone yet.

Okay, Jackie.

I'd like to go out
with you again.

I'm not gonna beg.

Just understand this--

Once I walk
out that door...

You'll be able
to reach me
at any time.

Oh, why can't we
invite him to the party?

We need at least
one decent person.

Whatever happened
to the old-fashioned guys

Who slept with you once
and never bothered
to call gain?

You've been
through 'em all.

Ah, the smell
of dead calves
and onions.

I'm home.
Hey.

Hey, you.

Hey, honey, I get
the first hug.

I'm the one
that gave up

Cigarettes
and alcohol
for four months.

Isn't that h*nky?

So, what's happeni''
with the big gal
on campus?

Well, biff and todd
invited me

To the sigma chi dance,
but it was the same time

As the tri delt formal,
so I spent all
my drink-beer bonds

And finally passed out
on beta gamma's lawn.

I slept right
through the big game.

Oh, that takes me back.

What's she
doin' here?

You said David
wasn't gonna
be around.

Oh. I thought you
meant David Cassidy.

I know how much
you, uh, hate him.

Oh, so this was
your little plan.

You get us
in the same room,

And then we just make up
just like that,

And everything
would be great.

Actually, my plan was

That you would come home
and figure out my plan

And then be
all mad about it.

And you fell for it.

I'm goin'
back to school.

No, you're not,
'cause i'm not
givin' you

Any bus money
till Sunday.

For the next two days,
we are all gonna pretend

That we are one
happy, happy family.

Bite it big time,
high school boy.

Shove it.

[sighs]
oh, I just love it

When a plan
comes together.

What are you
doin' here?

I'm...Sick.

[coughs]

Oh, so you're
skippin' school, huh?

Darlene, please
don't tell mom!
Please!

Quit begging.
The last thing
I want to do

Is help her out.
But she's gonna know
what's goin' on

The minute she waddles
through that door.

How come?

Clues, bonehead.

Mom monitors the chips.

No. See, I put these
back in the cabinet,

And before
she finds 'em,
I say,

"who ate all the chips?"

And then
mom thinks dad did,
and dad thinks mom did,

And then they get
into a big fight.

Good one, Deej.
Have you written
a note yet?

Yep.

Nice crumpling.

Detracts
from the handwriting,

Yet leaves the note
legible.

D.J.,
this signature
is pathetic.

What's wrong with it?

Well, moms usually
sign their name

Without erasing
a bunch of times.

Look.

Here's how mom
signs her name.

Now, take this upstairs

And practice
for a couple hours.

A couple of hours?

I might as well
be in school!

Well, yeah, but
unlike what you learn
in sixth grade,

Forgery's
a skill you can use
the rest of your life.

Hey, Darlene, how come
you're being so nice to me?

Ah, you're wise
to be suspicious.

But you see,
the enemy of my enemy

Is my friend,
grasshopper.

Hey.
Hey. What's for dinner?

Well, because
it's darlene's
first night back,

I'm making
vegetarian lasagna.

Don't worry.
I used meat.

Ah.

Now, don't hold that
too close to your crotch.

We're tryin'
to have a baby.

What happened
to the chips?

Dan, did you
eat the chips?

I didn't eat
the chips.

Well, I
didn't eat 'em.

This is the exact
same chip fight
we had yesterday.

Yeah, 'cause
you called me a hog.

Well, then you
called me a cow.

And didn't D.J.
start the whole thing?

I ate the chips.

Oh, well, that's
just great, Darlene.

Now we're not gonna
have a crunchy crust
on the lasagna.

Well, whoever ate the chips
has to set the table.

Hey, Darlene,
need some help?

D.J., don't
tease your sister.

Yeah, Deej. You wanna
grab the silverware?
Okay.

Dan.

Dan, come quick.

What?

Something's wrong
with the children.

Hey, D.J., forks
go on the left.

The way I remember is

That "fork" and "left"
both have four letters.

Cool.

Hey, Darlene,
I just thought
of another one.

"Kn*fe" and "right"
both have five letters.

Good one, Deej.

[quavering]
oh, i'm a-scared,
Rosie, i'm a-scared.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Uh...Mrs. Conner
doesn't live here.

You need to call...
Next-door!

Darlene!

What?

That was my school.
I think they know.

Well, how many days
did you miss last week?

Five.

Brilliant, d.J.
Don't you know

If you miss a whole week,
they always check?

I didn't know!
What am I gonna do?!

He shouldn't be
skippin' school,
Darlene.

If your mother
asks me, i'm not
gonna lie to her.

Fine. Be a wimp.

No, Darlene.
The whole time
I was with you,

I was a wimp.
Now i'm strong.

It's too bad you picked
such a stupid thing
to be strong about.

You're just mad 'cause
you can't control me
anymore.

I don't know why I ever
even bothered to control you.

Well, if you think
that i'm gonna--
[telephone rings]

Aaahh!

[ring]

Way to keep
your cool, Deej.

Hello. Yeah, this
is Mrs. Conner.

Yeah, D.J.'s
been real sick.

It's--it's some sort
of stomach bug.

We've all got it.

Well, I--I feel

Like I gotta
throw up right now.

No, it's all right.
It's a cordless.
You can come along.

See?

Yeah! Sucker!

Careful, Deej.
He's strong now.

I don't like deliverin'
in this part of town.

There's some scary types
down there.

Yeah, well, if you see
D.J. down there,

Tell him
to be home by .

You figure out
what he's up to yet?

No, not yet.

This one is gonna
take some thought.

You know, he's workin'
with a professional
this time.

Darlene's just gettin' back

At your pathetic plan
to get her and David
together again.

Pathetic?

I'll tell you
what's pathetic:

A -year-old
delivery girl.

Fine! Then
you take it!

Fine! I will!
And then you can
wait on Fred.

Here he comes.

Send him after me,
and I swear i'll hit him
with a bag of buns!

Hey.

Hey, Fred.
[door closes]

Roseanne.

I heard jackie's havi''
a housewarming party.

I really need you
to get me invited.

Well, I don't know, Fred.
It's really not my, uh, style

To interfere
in other people's lives.

Come on, Roseanne.

I need you
on my side here.

I'd be so grateful
if you could
help me out.

Grateful...Enough to...

Buy Jackie a really nice gift?

What do you mean?
Like...Jewelry?

Yeah, yeah. Like,
you know, jewelry.

Or a microwave.

A microwave.

I guess you don't know
beans about women, huh, Fred?

Um...See, uh,

This early
in the relationship,

Jewelry would kinda say,

"here I am. I plan
to smother you."

Whereas a microwave
kinda goes like,

"I like you.
Let's have some popcorn."

It seems to me
the last time

I was over
at your house,

Dan was working
on your microwave.

Yeah. What are the odds?

So, what kind
of a microwave

Did you have
in mind...

For Jackie?

Well, she's
a single gal,

So...She'll need
a big one.

Got it.

Hey, Fred...
How would you like

To come to jackie's
housewarming party?

Why, Roseanne...
I'd love to.

Well, it's been
a pleasure

Doing business
with you, Fred.

You know what?
If you hurry,

You might...Catch
Jackie out back.

Really? Thanks.

Watch out for buns.

Hello, Roseanne. I hope
i'm not botherin' you.

I know how busy
you can get
plannin' a party.

What party?

Oh, why, mom,
certainly you
haven't forgotten

The happy, happy
family surprise party

We're throwin' for
jackie's housewarming.

I suppose I know
why I wasn't invited.

I already gave my gift--

The house.

Well, um, mom, see...

Okay. All right,
i'll tell ya.

It's not just
a housewarming party
for Jackie.

It was also
going to be

A surprise
thank-you party
for you

For lending Jackie
the down payment money.

It is?!

Yes, but Darlene
wrecked the surprise

And nearly
ruined our happy,
happy family.

Oh, Roseanne,
i'm sorry,

But I don't want
a big party.

Well...
It's too late.

But i'll
be embarrassed

If everyone
buys me a present.

Well, I can take care of that.

This is so touching!
I don't know what to say!

Well, see you Sunday.

So.

I guess now
the score is even.

Things can get
back to normal.

Now you can rat out
your little brother.

Come on, D.J.,
let's go to the movies.
My treat.

D.J.

Here's the deal.

You tell me
what rotten thing
you're up to...

And I will
punish Darlene

And buy you
ice cream.

Don't look
at Darlene!

I haven't been
up to anything.

After you, Deej.

Thanks, sis.

Damn.

Well, well, well.

D.J.

Look what I found
in the garbage.

So?

I told you
I didn't like it.

I bought my lunch.

Yeah? Well, I saw you
leave home with it.

So I came back
and threw it away.

I didn't want
anybody to see me
with that stupid bag.

Good one.

It's the truth.

You know, you think
that darlene's
helpin' you out,

But she really isn't.
She tellin' me everything.

This whole thing
is just a big plan
that we worked out

To set you up.

No, it isn't.

How can you be sure?

'cause Darlene told me
you'd say that.

[door closes]

Damn.

David, you're
not a blood relative.

I think you may have
an honest gene
left in your body.

What's goin' on with d.J.?

I don't know anything,
Mrs. Conner.

[sighs]

Very impressive,
Darlene.

Very impressive.

I saw
what just happened.
Thanks.

Well, I didn't do it
'cause you wanted me to.

I did it 'cause
i'm mad at your mother.

Besides, lying just seemed
like the right thing to do.

Yeah, it usually is.

Watch out, Darlene.

You said somethin' to me
without an insult.

Yeah. I'm tired.

You know, i'm not
seeing anybody.

Are you?

Nah.

Although I am sleeping
with several people.

You are?

Yeah. Mostly professors,
mostly for grades.

[chuckles]

I miss you,
Darlene.

Good.

Are we making up?

I hope so.

Okay, but
just don't tell mom.

I don't want her to think
her little plan worked.

You're not askin' me
to lie again, are you

No. I'm tellin'
you to.

We're back.
Yeah.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Just a minute.

Oh, mom!

Thanks, son. How's
mom's lunch comin'?

Hello.

Yes, this
is Mrs. Conner.

No. He hasn't been
able to make it.

He's been very sick.

Don't mess
with the master,
Darlene.

You guys are
in so much trouble.

I'm going to make you wish
I was never born.

Oh, and by the way,
I know

That you and David
made up, too.

How'd you find out?

You just told me.

D.J., come on.
I'm walkin' you
to school today.

Oh, no. You're not
goin' in that, are you?

Oh, no, D.J.

I wouldn't do
that to you.

But...

I would do...

This.

And, look. I found
your old sesame street
lunchbox,

So you won't have to
be embarrassed

With those big brown
bags anymore.

Oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, my.
Just a minute.

Wait one minute
here.

This is for when
I kiss you good-bye.

Okay, come on.
We need to hurry

'cause i've gotta
make it up to Chicago
to surprise your sister.

I want to get there
in time for one
of her big classes.

I'm going
to dance for them.