06x05 - Be My Baby

[bunniefuu]

Rosie...

What are you
doing this time?

I'm directing your
sperms where to go.

Please...

I think my boys

Know their way around
a fallopian tube.

I don't know, Dan.

I think they're
getting old.

I hear 'em wheezing
around in there.

I hate these
damn boxers.

Well, tough.

The doctor on Oprah

Said that it makes
your equipment

Work better.

I'm a brief man, Rosie.

Tell me about it.

Been making me
wear these things

For three months now.

They just don't
feel natural.

Well, then don't wear
any underwear at all.

Oh, that's just wrong.

Well, I don't know
why you bothered

To even put 'em
back on, Dan.

We're going again
in minutes.

Well, you better have
something special planned,

Cause I don't
know if I can.

Well, you think
it's so tough for you.

Gee, I feel
like stapling

A picture
of Montel Williams

To your forehead.

Where are you going?

Well, Mrs. Withers
down the block

Wants a baby
too, so...

All right, i'll stay.

Oh, poor Dan.

He has to sit here
on the bed with me

For two minutes
and do nothing

While me and god
create a life.

Maybe my sperms
are just waiting

For your egg
to shut up.

Oh, Dan, I know
that we're both

You know,
i've been thinking.

When this kid graduates
high school, i'll be .

Well, it's one
of our kids, Dan,

So you'll probably be
more like or .

Be too old even to
play ball with him.

Odds are half my life's
over already.

If this kid has to
grow up without a father

Is that fair to him?

I'm scared, Roseanne.

This whole thing's

Making me think
about death.

Well, think about

Whatever you
have to, Dan.

We're going again
in minutes.

[theme]

Hey, David.

Morning. Mr. Conner,
why are all these dates

Circled on
this calendar?

Well, you see, David,

That's Mrs. Conner's
ovulation schedule.

No, really.
What is it?

No, David, it's true.

You see, two weeks ago
was the last time

Mrs. Conner was fertile.

So these are the days
that you guys...

Ovulate.

Oh, my god.

[door closes]

Hi.
Hey.

Roseanne, i'm here.

I got the test.
This one feels lucky.

Can I get some coffee?

No, let's go
set up the test

And then have coffee
while you wait for it.

I don't want
any coffee.

Oh, mood swings.
That's a good sign.

I started.

What?

I got my period.

Damn.

Yeah, well,
you better go.

You don't want
to be late for work.

[sighs heavily]

Better start loading up
on my protein again.

Call me if you
need anything.

Okay.

Well, the good news
is i'll be able

To start
drinking again.

[sobs]
don't be upset,
Jackie.

You'll still be
the family drunk.

I'm pregnant.

What?

Fred's the father,
and I haven't even
told him yet.

It just happened
that one time we
went out together.

I mean,
what are the odds?

Jackie, you're pregnant?

Have you thought about
what you want to--

Well, i'm gonna
keep it.

I mean, I want to
'cause...

Could be my
last chance to...

Oh, I just...

Say that you're
happy for me

Even if you
don't mean it,

But please
mean it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm happy for you,
Jackie, yeah.

I mean, i'd be
happier for you

If it was me.

I wanted you
to be pregnant too

So then we could
get pregnant together.

Well, it's not too late.
Let's get Fred over here.

I don't--I don't know if
I can do this, Roseanne.

I'm not like you.
I'm not the mothering type.

Remember that doll I had
that wet itself?

I just thought it was
too much trouble,

So I stopped
giving it water.

Well, you were
just a kid then.

That doesn't mean
that you will

Be a bad mother.

I mean, gee, at least
you bottle-fed it.

I used to rip
its head off

And fill it
under the tap.

Then last night
I had this dream

That the baby
was already born

And I put it
down somewhere

And then I couldn't
remember where I put it.

Oh, every mom has
that dream, Jackie.

You just reach in
through the back
of the crib,

You know, into
the dragon's mouth,

And then you
get that banana,

Bring it out,
blow on it.

It turns back
into the baby,

And then you
just fly away.

Just i'm really scared.

Well, you don't
need to be, Jackie.

I'm here for you,
and me and you
can do this together.

What if the kid
doesn't love me,

Or what if I don't
love the kid?

That's not
gonna happen.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to see
my eyebrows.

Just tell me
that you love him.

Please, just tell me
that you love him.

Well, Roseanne,
here I am.

What news is
so important

I had to hop
in the car

And race right
over here.

Oh, um, well I
forgot to tell you.

Your brakes are sh*t.

Okay, mom...

I have something very
important to tell you.

It's a big one.

I need you to sit
in this chair here.

Come over here.
Just stay very calm.

Okay, whatever you do,
don't get upset,

And, mom, keep
an open mind.

Jackie's pregnant.

Oh, my god!
Mom...

Well, I always knew
something like this
would happen.

She got married
and didn't invite me.

No, mom, she did not
get married.

She just got pregnant,

And you're right,
she didn't invite you.

Oh, my--
oh, no.

She'll never get
her reputation back.

Listen to me, mom.

This is her reputation.

This is awful!

You know that
sawyer girl

Who had a baby
without a husband?

She went insane!

Oh, my god.

I just keep thinking what
would your father say?
Shh, shh...

What would
my father say?

Mom!

Get some control here.

Now, Jackie is
going to need us,

And we are going
to have to be

Very supportive,
okay?

I want you to repeat
after me, mom.

I will be supportive.

I will be supportive.

Well, I suppose it's
nice i'm gonna have
another grandchild.

There you go, mom.

Mom.

Um, Jackie...

Uh, I...

Got something
to tell you.

Uh, Jackie...

Mom and me
were just talking.

Well, just--just
a second, Roseanne.

There's something I
want to tell my mother.

Mom, um, i'm pregnant.

I went out with a guy
I hardly know,

We had sex for hours,
and I got pregnant.

And i'm not
gonna marry him.

I'm keeping the baby,

And if it's a girl
i'm naming it Gidget.

What if it's a boy?

What?

What are you gonna
name it if it's a boy?

What about that rock
singer you like so much?

Uh, bongo?

What--what's she
talking about?

I think she
means ringo.

Yes, ringo.

That's pretty jazzy.

No, wh--what's
happening here?

You heard your
unmarried daughter

Told you that
she's pregnant.

I heard her, dear.

And I want you to know
i'll be there for you.

I've never been
one to judge.

Oh, thank god
for that.

You told her,
didn't you.

Well, I--I just wanted
to soften the blow.

But I didn't want
this blow to be soft.

This was the one,
the one.

This is the moment
i've been waiting for
all my life.

This one could
have k*lled her!

Jackie, if you believe
in reincarnation at all,

Perhaps this is not
the perfect time

To k*ll mom, if you
know what I mean.

Well, when you
did tell her,

Did she at least,
like, faint

Or turn blue
or something?

No!
Well, you didn't
do it right!

You--you have to let
me tell people, okay?

Okay, I promise.

I'm not gonna tell
anybody else anyways.

I mean, besides Dan.

Oh, um, Jackie,
could I--

Could I please
tell Nancy too?

No.

I already did,
and I told Darlene too.

Hey, ladies.

Roseanne...
I swear to god.

Hey, Roseanne,

I'm sorry I wasn't
around when you called.

See, he doesn't know
and that counts

That I didn't tell him.

What was so
important?

Uh, oh, I couldn't
get the li--lid off,

Uh, these
pickles there.

There.
[forced chuckle]

Man, you're strong.

Anything else?

No, that's about it.

How 'bout you,
Jackie?

Need anything off
a high shelf?

Uh, Fred, I am not
ready to talk

About stuff
on the high shelf.

The stuff that is there
is not going anywhere.

When I am ready
to discuss it,

I will be the one
to call you down here,
not Roseanne!

You just had
to keep pushing,

Didn't you, Fred.

You know, I was
just examining

Our calendar of love.

Seems I am to
service you tonight.

First, the seduction.

Ah, well,
not now, Dan.

I got too many
troubles with Jackie.

She doesn't have
a single clue

About this whole
pregnancy thing,
you know?

She's talking about
having natural childbirth.

With no dr*gs.

[frightened groan]

You should show her
the scar I gave you
when I had d.J.

Four stitches,
saw the bone.

Well, next time i'll
take the hand wound

And you can have
the episiotomy.

Well, that k*lled
the mood.

You know...

If Jackie would only
tell Fred about this,

Then he could be here
helping her with this
instead of you.

He really should know.

Please, Dan,
it's bad enough

That Jackie knows.

Well, this is
their problem.

We're gonna have
our own kid.

Dan, I can hardly
have a baby

When Jackie's
gonna have one.

What? Hold on
a damn minute here.

You had a fit
to have this kid.

You put me on
a sex schedule.

You took away
my underpants.

You don't take away
a man's underpants,
Roseanne,

And then change
your mind!

Well, Jackie needs me.

What makes you
think that?

Because she
told me so.

She is just
absolutely

Terrified, Dan,

That if I have
a baby too

That I will not be
around, you know,

And available
to help her.

She got down on her
knees and begged me.

That's great.

Let's just put
our lives on hold
for Jackie.

Well, we can
still have sex.

Here.

Just wear that.

You know how
I get around.

I'm angry at you,

And when i'm
angry at you,

I'm not in the mood.

Oh, since when?

Just turn off the light
and don't talk.

Don't tell me
what to do!

[groans]

And I figure it
isn't a shower

Without entertainment.

Well, Nancy,
I don't think

That a stripper
is appropriate

Entertainment
for a baby shower.

I think it's
a really cool idea.

He strips down
to his diaper,

And then he sits
on everybody's lap.

What's the matter?

Your stomach
bothering you?

No. No, I told you

I don't have morning
sickness, okay?

You know, you should
eat a saltine.

I don't want a saltine.

It'll make you
feel better.

Roseanne...
Come on, for me.

Hey, Jackie.

Fred. Dan.

You know, lately
I get the feeling

You've been wanting

To talk to me
about something.

Um, yeah, Fred,
I sort of did.

But I don't.

You know, Jackie,

Fred's had the same dog
for years.

I did not
know that, Dan.

Thank you for
telling me that.

All of his plants
are alive too.

In fact, Fred,
i've always found you

A very loving
and nurturing man.

Thank you, Dan.

I find your honesty
unsettling.

No, I mean I
admire you, Fred.

You're that rare
combination

Of soft and caring
yet strong and virile.

Why don't you two
run outside

And carve your initials
into a tree?

I'm gonna go to
the bathroom now,

And when I come back,

Let's all be talking
about something else.

Look, hey, hey,
whether or not

I tell Fred is
my own damn business.

Yeah, Dan.

Yeah, Roseanne,
it's my baby.

Mine. I'm the one
that had sex.

I'm the one
who's getting fat.

I'm the one whose
hormones are gonna
go crazy any day now.

I wish you would
just leave me alone,

Let me do it
by myself.

What?

It's all your
fault, Dan.

Ever since you
told her you don't
want to have a kid,

She's trying to get
her hands on mine.

What?

Roseanne, I thought
you said

We couldn't
have a baby

'cause Jackie begged you
to take care of hers.

What!

Roseanne,
what the hell's
going on here?

Well, isn't it obvious?

I mean, the two of you
are in such deep denial

That it is pathetic.

What are we
denying, Roseanne?

Well, huh...

Okay, you're both
denying the fact

That you really
do not want me
to have a kid.

I mean,
the idea of it

Just terrifies
you so bad

That you can't even
cope with it.

So in order to deal
with it,

You're putting the whole
thing on someone else

So the two of you can
just deny, deny, deny.

You totally made that
up in your own head.

See how deep it goes!

You lied to me,
Roseanne.

Okay, but at least
I had a good reason
this time.

Now, you can't handle
a baby by yourself,
Jackie.

I mean, you're gonna
be sh**ting people
from a tower

In a clown suit.

If i'm tough enough
to survive you,

I'm tough enough
to handle anything a kid's
gonna throw at me.

Yeah?
What about steak knives?

That's happened to me
twice.

Darlene
throws like a boy.

You are not
that strong, Jackie,

Because sometime
your kid's gonna
come to you

And want to know
who its father is,

And you don't
even have the guts

To tell the father
who the father is!

Fred!

I'm pregnant.
You're the father.

You want to talk about that,

I'll be in the kitchen.

I'll meet you at home.

Oh, Dan, wait a minute!

[Fred]
wow.

Good thing
I was sitting down.

[motor starts]

Turn the car off, Dan.

I want to go home.

We got to talk.

If you don't want
to have a baby,

Don't go blaming it
on me.

Maybe it's not that I don't
want to have the baby, Dan.

Maybe it's that I can't
have a baby.

[motor stops]

Is there something
I should know?

Yeah.
I'm years old.

[scoff]

Is that what this
is all about?

I mean,
come on, Roseanne.

We've only been trying
for three months.

I know, but we never used
to have to try at all.

We'd get pregnant
just using the same soap.

I was just thinking

Maybe my body
doesn't work anymore.

Did you ever think

Maybe it's my body
that doesn't work anymore?

Well, yeah. That's
what got me through
the first three months.

Look, honey,
if we can't, we can't.

Then at least
I get my wife back.

Then in six years,

When D.J. goes and runs off
with some religious cult,

We can ride
a couple of harleys
across the country.

Oh, that's a bunch
of crap, Dan.

You want to have a baby
as bad as I do.

Not if it means
screwing up my marriage.

You've been carrying this
around for three months,

And you never even
said anything to me
about it.

We used to talk
about stuff like this.

Well, that's 'cause it--
it just hurts too much, Dan.

I mean, every month,
I--I let us down.

You don't let us down.

Well, that's
what it feels like.

Well, it shouldn't
feel like that.

That is
what it feels like.

That's it. We're throwing
the damn calendar out.

We're going back to doing
the way we always did,

And whatever happens
happens.

Come on.

Remember the good old days
when sex was fun?

Well, yeah, but those guys
didn't mean anything to me.

You know, that dashboard
really brings out your eyes.

Boy, you french lads
sure know what to say
to a dame.

Well, we shouldn't
do it anyway, Dan.

Uh, you know, yesterday
was my last fertile day.

There'd be no point.

There's a point.

Okay, but try to keep
your butt below the window.

Well, do you think maybe

I could go to the lamaze
classes or something with you?

I mean, I am the father.

Yeah, but I don't--
I hardly know you, Fred.

We only went out once.

That's your fault.

I wanted to go out with you

The very next day
after I impregnated you.

Well...

Fred, we're gonna have
a lot of problems here

If you're...
Don't respect my space.

I understand.
It's your body.
It's your decision.

There is nothing
that I can do about it.

Thank you, Fred.

Just promise me,
if you ever need any help,

Money, support,
just somebody to talk to,

Please call me.

Thank you, Fred.
I--I appreciate that.

I guess we should
shake hands or something.

Well...

Thanks for the child.

You know that sawyer girl

Who had a baby
without a husband?

She went insane!

Listen, mom--

Oh, my god,
I just keep thinking,

What would your father
say?

What
would my father say?

Your aunt--

Mom, shh!

I'm sorry!

I couldn't help
laugh--

You get hurt?
No!

I told you I was
gonna hit you.

I know, but I--sorry.

Was it too hard?

No, it was good.