06x07 - Homeward Bound

[bunniefuu]

Hey, David, you shouldn't
be doing your homework
in front of the TV.

I'm not doing homework.
Oh, good.

I'm writing Darlene
a letter.

I've called her times today
and she hasn't called me back.

That's nice. When you're
done, go to the store for me

And get me some milk and
bread and peanut butter.

Oh yeah, and if they
have any left, get a life.

I have a life.
No, you don't.

All you do is sit here
on the couch. You don't
get any exercise.

You just eat and sleep,
which would be fine if
we were raising you for veal.

It's just that right now
i'm having a really
hard time with Darlene.

No, no. Right now
you're having a really
hard time with me.

I want you to be like
a normal kid. Get out there

And start doing all
the things your peers are
pressuring you into doing.

Okay, I promise.
But right now I have to
straighten out Darlene.

It's kind of personal
if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

"Dear Darlene,
I really, really miss you.

"it really, really
hurts me when you don't call.

"I know you're very busy,
but if you don't mind..."

See, I was gonna get
really tough after that.

I was tougher than this
in my wedding vows.

Okay, here, David.
Take this down.

Dear Darlene,

I am tired of your crap.

You are selfish, moody
and most of all, ungrateful.

She's not ungrateful.

Trust me, i've known
her longer than you.

And then you gotta
finish up with something

That'll really,
really get her.

I could tell her she's just
like you. That'll k*ll her.

Both of us with one sh*t.

Guess who I found
at the train station.

Darlene.
Hi! Wow.

What are you doing here?

Mrs. Conner thought it
would be fun to surprise you.

Darlene, we really,
really miss you

And it really makes us
feel really really bad
when you don't call.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, Darlene. She's not
moving back here, is she?

No, we would never let David's
girlfriend move into the house.

Yeah. I'll be right there.

Mrs. Conner, can I have
that back, please?

No, David,
i'm afraid not.

Because, you see,
I own you now.

What do you want from me.

I just want you to keep
your promise. Get out
in the world.

Quit laying there
on the couch,

'cause Dan and I might not
always be there to turn
you every half hour.

Okay.

And I want you to start
sticking up for yourself
around Darlene.

Don't let her push
you around all the time.

[Darlene]
David, come help me unpack.

No, no! I can't help you!

No, you can
help her unpack.
Oh.

Okay.

Hey, have you seen
my October cosmo?

No, but let me help
you look for it.

Nope, it's not
in the sports section.

What are you
doing downstairs?

What's the matter
with your bathroom?

D.J.'s been in there
for, like, an hour.

He's just like you, Dan.
Why don't you run a
newspaper up to him.

He's got the door locked,
and it's, like,
the third time today.

Maybe I ought
to go up there.

Trust me, I don't think
this is a time that a boy
needs his mother.

What are you
talkin' about?

Um, I think I know

What she's
talkin' about.

And I think you know
what she's talkin' about

If you just think
about it for a minute.

Yeah. D.J.'s
finally got a friend
that's not imaginary.

Oh, my god.

You don't know!

He could just
be brushin' his teeth

Or, you know, uh,

Maybe he's compulsively
washing his hands,

Or...Uh, maybe it's
somethin' totally
harmless

Like chronic diarrhea.

Trust me, he goes
in that room

'cause it's the only one
with a lock on it.

And he's in there for,
like, an hour at a time.

Which either means he's
really, really good at it...

...Or really,
really bad at it.

Oh, my god!

Well, I don't want you
to give him any grief
about this

Because you could
traumatize him

And turn him
into a serial k*ller
or somethin'.

Well, don't worry.
How much damage can you do

With only one free hand?

You know, guys...

This doesn't have to
be a bad thing.

Very natural.

It's...Not like
we all didn't do it.

Oh, my god.
Get outta here.

I'm goin'.

He's too young
for this...
Isn't he, Dan?

Maybe he's gifted.

But lookit. He still
drinks his juice

Out of a little
batman cup.

He's my baby.

Well, from now on
when your baby's bad,

I guess we can't
send him up to his room.

Well, we ought
to be able
to handle this okay.

I mean, you know,

It's just masturbation.

That's great
about your short story.

Why didn't you tell me
you got an "A"?

Never seen one before.
I didn't know what it was.

Darlene, you don't have
to hold back all the good
stuff that's happening to you.

I mean, good--good stuff's
happening to me, too.

Really?

I--I mean,
that's great.
Like what?

Well, uh...
I got some as.

You did?

Yeah. I got an "A"
in art, in history,

And, uh, in gym.

And I got a "B"
in social studies.

I got a B-plus
in english.

I got a--
a "B" in math.

I got a B-minus
in biology.

I got a--
a "B" in music.

And a "b"
in geometry.

Jeez, David,
how many classes
are you taking?

A lot. I'm--i'm really
into school this year.

As a matter of fact,
i'm gonna be doin'

Some art
for the yearbook, too.

Whoa! You must
be really busy.

Sounds like you're
doin' really great.

Yeah.

It's so great
to see you.

[door closes]

Hey, David!

What the hell's
going on?

What do you mean?

Well, your math teacher
came by the restaurant today

And says you haven't been
at school for two weeks.

What you been doing?

Nothin.'

Well, you know,
if you wanna...

Mope around this house
all depressed and down,

There's nothing I can
do about it,

But i'm damn sure
not gonna let you
drop out of school

And screw up your life like
you're one of my own kids.

I'll start going,
and i'll make up the work.

Yeah, you bet you will,

And there'll be
somebody standing
over your shoulder

To make sure that
you do that.

So you better hope
that Dan doesn't nod off
and crush you.

Okay, i'll do it.

David.

I lied, okay?

I can't believe you just
embarrassed him like that.

He didn't want me to know
he was skipping school.

Oh, yeah, I know how
strict you are on
that kinda thing.

Well, he just got done
telling me how happy he is.

And you bought that?

No, but at least I didn't
throw it back in his face
and humiliate him.

Yeah, I have to do
everything around here!

Dinner's ready!

[Dan]
D.J., you wash
your hands?

God, I hope so.

So, what happened,
D.J.?

I thought you were
gonna eat over at your
friend George's house?

I got mad at him,

So I came home
and played
by myself.

Count to .

Jackie said you had a story
published in the school's
literary journal.

Yeah.
So what happens in it?

Oh, it's not a narrative.
Nothing happens.

Look, I don't think
you'd get it.

Uh, well, gee, Darlene,

Don't you be 'shamed
to showing your brain
around me and pa.

Every mama dreams
of the day her youngin'
will outlearn her.

[slowly] course we's
never much for your
books and such.

All right, fine.

The story's from the point
of view of an old woman,

And she's looking at a picture
of herself when she was a kid.

Never mind.
You can read it.

What are you talking about?
Nothing.

Getting your story
published isn't nothing.

Just drop it, Dan.

Your story's getting
published? Where?

In the school journal,
but it's no big deal.

It's just 'cause
i'm friends with the editor.

Did you hear that, honey?
She's got a friend.

Shut up.
I have lots of friends.

She has lots of friends.

Well, i've got an idea.
Let's talk about D.J.'s school.

Yeah, I hear he got
caught playing with
his instrument in band.

I'm not in band,
stupid!

Okay, next subject.

Dan...

How was work?

Well, today was
a special one for me.

It was the th
day in a row

Where I did exactly
the same thing.

Well, D.J. over here
is well on his way to
shattering that record.

I wanna hear more about
how great school is.

I don't want
to talk about school.

What's the matter?
You don't think
I can take it?

Tell us about
the old lady
in the story.

I would, uh,
like to talk about, uh...

Jackie's pregnancy.

Yeah, let's talk about
Jackie's pregnancy.

Yeah.

Well, she has to go to
the bathroom a lot now
because, uh...

Right now, the fetus,
it's really pressing
on the...bladder.

Well, that would
explain the glow.

I don't understand
why nobody wants to talk
about Darlene.

I mean, nothing's happening
in our lives.

She's at least
doing stuff.

I mean, she didn't
do anything in high school.

All she did was
hang out with...

Boy, you sure are
a quick one, pa.

Who told you
I got caught

Playing with my
instrument in band?

So, it's pressing right up
against the bladder, huh?

Gee, Dan,
I hate this.

Can't we keep him a little boy
a little bit longer?

Put him in a freezer and just
take him out on the holidays?

Freezer's full, hon.

Let's just put this
lock on and get out of here.

Aw, look at his
little dinosaur sheets.

Aw.

Oh, no.

Oh! He's using my cosmo.

That makes me
like his dealer.

And a Montgomery Ward catalog

Opened to
the "young miss" section.

A resourceful young lad.

D.J.!

Whoa! Roseanne!

I was sleepwalking again.
What are we doing up here?

Think he bought it?

I can't, Roseanne.

I don't know
what to tell him.

[sighs]

Well, didn't you ever
have this talk
with your parents?

Yeah.
My mom said--

[pounds on table]
"you all right in there?"

And I said,
"i'll--i'll be right out!"

Well, he thinks we're
spying on him, Dan,

So he thinks he's doing
something bad.

You want him
to think that, Dan?

Dan?

Why me?

Because it's your turn.

I talked to the girls after
they got their periods.

I talked to the girls after
they got their periods.

I mean I talked
to the girls
about their periods.

All right, i'll do it.

Good.

And you know, Dan,
if you handle it right,

Then maybe he will come to us
and feel comfortable later

If he has, you know,
an questions about sex.

And that would be good?

I don't why I bother
to come home!

I don't know why either.

You can feel sorry for me
in chicago.

You know what, David?

If it'll make you happy,

I'll try not to think about
you at all in chicago!

[turns tv on]

Ah. To be young
and in love.

Well, i'll handle
this one.

You go find D.J.

Oh, man!

So, uh, David,

You wanna tell me what you and
Darlene are fighting about?

Not really.

Well, don't you wanna hear
what I have to say?

Sure, i'll have a seat.

You know, David, I think
that someplace in your head

You think darlene's
gonna start hating school
and come back home,

But that's not
gonna happen.

She's happy there.

[turns tv off]
David, are you
listening to me?

You can't depend on Darlene
for your happiness, you know?

You gotta get out there
and find out what it is
you really want to do in life.

Make sure it doesn't annoy me.

And then go for it.

I have no idea
how to communicate, uh...

With a kid that
doesn't yell back.

Don't you have anything
obnoxious to say?

[turns tv on]

Well, that's a start.

[sighs]
hey!

Uh, don't mind me.

I was just gonna...
Get something.

Oh.

Hey, Deej, um...

I think that
you and me need to talk
about some stuff.

I'm just...I'm...

[stammers]
i'm just not...

It's just...

[sighs]
what i'm trying
to say is...

Look, is there anything you
feel like asking me about?

No.

Good. Good.
Very good.

Great.

Okay, look, D.J...

Look, buddy,
I know you're really
embarrassed right now.

I just want you
to know that...

What you've been doing,

It's just a part
of growing up.

So are you proud of me?

Well, yeah,
but not for this.

Uh...

The point is
i'm not upset with you.

This is something that
everybody does.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay.
Okay.

Do you do it?

Like I said, D.J.,
everybody does it.

How much do you do it?

Look, Deej, the funny
thing about this is...

Even though it's okay
and everybody does it,

There's nothing
wrong with it...

Nobody ever ever
talks about it.

Let's go, Darlene!
This bus is moving out!

Oh, by the way,

D.J. asked me to bring over
my back issues of Mademoiselle.

He said it's for
some school project.

It's more like
a home project.

No need to send 'em back.

This is really great.

Yeah.
I'm gonna miss you.

[Darlene]
well, i'll call you as soon
as I get back to school.

If you have the time.
No pressure.

[chuckles] well,
call me as soon
as you get there,

No matter if you have
the time or not.

Big pressure.

Hey.
Need any money?

Yeah!
Me, too.

Have a safe trip.

D.J.!
Darlene's leaving!

[D.J.]
good!

[Darlene]
bye.

[door closes]

Well, David...

It looks like you and Darlene
patched up your problems

After that
little talk we had.

No, no, no!
Your happiness is thanks enough.

I was thinking about
what you said to me,

About my not being happy
and that I should do
something about it.

Wow. You really
listened to me?

You are getting
weirder and weirder.

I talked to my mom
in Michigan last night,

And I told her i'm gonna
go live with her.

What? I didn't mean
that you had to leave.

I know. You've been
great to me.

But as long as
I live here,

I'm just gonna be
dependent on Darlene.

Yeah, but I mean you can't
go back there, David.

You remember how mean
your mom was to you?

Well, she's trying
to change.

Well...She says
she's trying to change.

Honey.
Don't "honey" me, Dan!

Does Darlene
know about this?

No, I was gonna call her as
soon as I got to Michigan.

If I told her now,
she'd just try to
talk me out of it.

Well, sure she would
because she cares about you.

She doesn't wanna see you
screw up your life.

That's enough, Roseanne.

No, Dan,
that is not enough!

It's not enough 'til
he changes his mind.

I didn't mean
to make you mad,

I just can't
stay here.

Well, you know you'll always
have a home if you need one.

Thanks.

What'd you make him
leave for?

We can't stop him from
going back to his mom.

But you know how
his mom is, Dan.

She's not gonna change.
She's not gonna get any better.

Then he knows
he can come back.

We just keep losing 'em.

This one's not even ours.

Come here and give
your mommy a hug.

Uh-uh!
Where you going?

Dad told me not to say.

I can't believe this.

Well, he said he was
gonna move back to
Michigan.

He wanted to tell you
himself,

But I just thought
you should know.

Well, did he say why
he was leaving?

He said he felt
too dependent on you
living here.

Where would he get
a stupid idea like that?

Oh, well, frankly...
From your father.

What if this means
that I never see him again?

This really sucks, mom.