07x09 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man. All right.
Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you. I think it's done.

Well!

I guess that finishes
up our cooking portion

of our salute to a
man's Thanksgiving.

A point to ponder when you
baste the turkey in cognac,

you want to keep the bird
away from the open flame.

- Otherwise your Butterball
will become a fireball.
- Pretty obvious, isn't it?

Now it's time to look at some of the
things we men should be thankful for.

And this, of course, would
be number one: women.

Our mothers, our co-workers,
our family members, our sisters.

They deserve a
lot of appreciation.

- Wow. Thank you, Tim.
- You're welcome.

Now, get lost. It's
a man's segment.

OK, Al. Well, you're sort of a
man. What are you thankful for?

Well, Tim, I'm thankful for
the tool I carry with me always.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Al! It's a family show!

I'm talking about
my Swiss Army Kn*fe.

I would feel naked without it.

Ew.

I'm talking about the gizmos
and gadgets and thingamajigs

- that make a man's
life worthwhile.
- I hear you, brother.

How many times have you found
yourself at the beach or a tailgate party

and you're longing for a
zesty blended beverage?

Not a problem anymore with
this model of American ingenuity.

- All it takes is one rip...
- [starting motor]

This next gadget's on the
top of my list of favorites.

You may be thinking I'm wearing
usual coveralls, but you're wrong.

I'm sporting the practical
and very fashionable vacu-suit.

[♪ upbeat jazz playing]

That's right, from the
Binford winter collection.

You've got to say "très chic"
when you look at Al right now.

The point of this is, why lug
around a heavy vacuum cleaner?

- We can add the vacuum
to the man.
- That's Right.

- Just add a hose to Al...
- Mm-hmm.

Not there, Tim!

He's got a built-in
compressor and motor.

Flip him on and watch Al suck.

Uh, Tim... Tim, I think
we have a problem!

Turn it off! Turn it off, Tim!

Turn it off, Tim!

Ah!

Tim!

Wilson, I thought
that you and Willow

were going to Ann
Arbor for Thanksgiving.

We're gonna leave
as soon as I finish

- making my feng shui
home protection tool.
- How does that work?

Well, Jill, the horizontal flute is
the guardian of hopes and desires.

And the two angled flutes radiate peace
throughout the house and the universe.

- What do the red tassels do?
- They scare away squirrels.

What are the holiday plans
for the Taylors this year?

Well, my mom is gonna
be with my sister in Texas.

Tim's mom is gonna be with his
brother, Jeff, so it's just the five of us.

I thought maybe I'd get up early
and try out some new recipes.

- Why new recipes?
- Everybody hates my cooking,

so I thought I might as well
make it interesting for me.

- Oh, hi. How's it going, Jill?
- Hey, Willow.

Oh, that's a great
looking turkey.

Actually, it's
percent soybean.

It's called a "soy-key".

I am so looking
forward to Thanksgiving.

It's the first time in years that the
whole Wilson clan has all been together.

- Uncle Wilbur.
- Aunt Willemina.

- Cousin Wilford.
- Uncle Willard.

- Grandma Wilma.
- And Bob.

- Bob?
- He's the black sheep.

Ah. Well, every family
has to have a troublemaker.

No, no, no. Bob is a very nice sheep.
He just gets cranky at shearing time.

Hey, Bradley. I got great news.

You pumped so much air into
Al, he's bigger than his mom.

No, that would be
quite impossible.

Get this. Clay Ford, the owner of
the Lions, is a big Tool Time fan.

He's offered us the use of a luxury
box for the Thanksgiving game.

Our own private
box? That is so cool.

Yeah, there's just
one annoying detail.

- [door opening]
- And there she is.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What do you think
about a soy turkey?

Hey, I'm up for anything.

You know what I believe, that no
matter what you eat or where you eat it,

Thanksgiving is great as
long as we're all together.

We are not gonna spend
Thanksgiving at a car show.

Don't be ridiculous.
Now, listen.

We've been offered a
luxury box at the Silverdome.

We can enjoy an incredible Thanksgiving
dinner in the privacy of our own room.

You're saying you'd rather
spend the day in a football stadium

being served Thanksgiving
meal by total strangers?

- Yes.
- Hot damn! I'm sleeping in.

All right.

Check out the view.

Wow. This is really beautiful.

- Yeah, if you like
disgusting opulence.
- And I do.

I don't believe it. There
is a TV in the bathroom.

So you won't miss a
minute of the excitement.

Or in your case, minutes.

Hello, Taylor family.
Welcome to box .

I'm Ted, your personal
Silverdome liaison and I've got hats.

Oh, thank you. I'm Jill Taylor.

And that's Randy, Mark and
Brad and my husband, Tim Taylor.

Hey, it's "The Tool Man."

[imitating Tim] "Oh! Oh!"

Good to meet you, Ted.
Um, you look awful familiar.

Have we met before?

No. Perhaps you've
met one of my brothers.

Ned or Fred?

Wait a minute. One brother
works at the airport in Alpena.

And the other brother at a gas station
in the middle of nowhere. I met 'em.

Yes. I hope they didn't
give you any trouble.

They've always
been pretty ornery.

One time they held me down and
packed my nose with candy corn.

Kids can be so cruel.

This was last Christmas.

By the way, Tim,
I've been authorized

to give you a tour of the
Silverdome's nerve center.

Home of our state-of-the-art
electrical and plumbing system.

- Somebody pinch me!
- You can watch the game
on the monitors

and I'll have you back at
halftime for dinner with your family.

- Thank you, Ted.
- I'll be up to
get you in a while.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Would you look at all this food?

Do you know how many needy families
it could have fed on Thanksgiving?

Ooh. Crab puffs.

Sorry I'm late. I ran into Harry
Belafonte at the VIP elevator.

What a chatterbox.

- I'm sorry. You would be...?
- Irv Schmayman.

Major television producer.

- And you are...?
- Tim Taylor,
major television star.

- Taylor.
- Yeah.

Never heard of you.

Well, maybe you
have the wrong booth.

Box . The Lions
front office set me up.

Didn't you say this booth was
just gonna be for our family?

Hey, we are all in the
entertainment family.

All part of the business
I like to call, "Show."

Well, Irv, this is my wife, Jill

and these are my boys,
Randy, Brad and Mark.

Irv Schmayman.

Hollywood legend.

Here's my card.
Pass it around, kid.

Well, so much for our
family Thanksgiving.

Honey, it's just one Schmayman.

[Irv] Girls?

These are my personal
assistants, Jenny and Cindy.

They're going to be
joining us for Thanksgiving.

Now I've got something
to be thankful for.

- All right, Lions won!
- The game just started.

No, they won the coin toss.

The holiday season always reminds
me of my Helen Reddy special,

Reddy or Not, It's Christmas.

It was a ratings volcano.

Are you guys gonna
watch the game or chat?

Whoa, relax, Timski. I've got friends
at the network. I'll get you a tape.

Excuse me. Mr. Taylor?

Are you ready to explore
the bowels of the Silverdome?

Let me loose.

Tim, can I speak to you for a
moment? He'll be right there.

[clearing throat]

You cannot leave us
alone with the Schmayman,

Jill, Jill, Jill.

Thanksgiving is
about compassion.

It's about reaching
out to others.

It's about being
there for other people.

Gotta go.

These are the transformers
and all the breakers.

I love spending time down here.

Who wouldn't?

The place is so homey.

If you like this, wait till
you see our control room.

That's where we operate
all of the Silverdome's lights

and our , toilets.

Wait a minute. Two
thousand toilets?

Is there a button you can
press to flush them all at once?

No, but I'll bring it up at
the next board meeting.

You're a thinker. I like that.

So, finally, I tell the network,
"You've got a great idea.

But the show needs a twist.

You want funny?
Make the nun fly."

If your father doesn't get back
soon I'm gonna have to k*ll him.

Dad or Schmayman?

Whoever's closest.

[crowd cheering]

I've been so blessed. I have this
superhuman feel for what's funny.

Pants are funny. Pork is funny.

Fish are funny.

I think I might vomit.

Vomit, big funny.

Ted, I can't thank you enough.

If I can put a smile on "The Tool
Man's" face, my dream has come true.

- You really mean that?
- No, I'm just
being a good host.

Before you go back to your family,
I have one more surprise for you.

I don't think my heart
can take it. Let me guess.

An autographed copy
of the building permit.

Hey, I'm a liaison. I'm not God.

Smile, "Tool Man".
You're on Jumbo Vision.

- No, no. The big screen?
- Yeah.

This is cool.

That is one beautiful turkey.

I pitched a series to CBS
about a talking turkey.

They told me to
stuff it. [laughing]

Hello! Is this thing on?

This is a nightmare.

Hey, look. Dad's
on Jumbo Vision.

[announcer] On Jumbo Vision, our
special guest, Tim "The Tool Man"...

Look at that.

The contrast on these monitors
is bad. Let me work on this.

No, Tim. Don't touch anything!

I'm in the business, Ted. I
know how to work these things.

This is specially made
for the Silverdome...

[Ted] Oh, my God.

[Randy] Dad just ruined
Thanksgiving for , people.

- [Irv] I'm gonna grab a yam.
- [Jill] That's not a yam, Irv.

[announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, please remain seated.

The lights should be back on as soon
as someone figures out how to fix them.

How long do you
think it'll take to fix this?

You better hope it's fast, because every
person in this stadium saw what you did.

Some of them were
probably in the bathroom.

Yeah. Those guys
will be real happy.

Let "The Tool Man" in there.
I work great under pressure.

Oh, no, you don't. Sit down
and don't touch anything.

The more I think about it, your
toilet flushing button idea stunk.

I think I understand why your brothers
shoved candy corn up your nose.

Boy, this takes me back.

January, , the earthquake
hit and wiped out the power

while Tina Turner was
staying in my guest house.

So, let me guess.

You went next door and borrowed
a flashlight from David Bowie.

You know, Jillsie, we Schmaymans
are pretty perceptive people.

And I am picking up a hint of
sarcasm on my "Schmaydar."

Hey, Schmayman.

Hey.

What can I tell you, huh?

- Hey, Rodney.
- I had a hard time finding you.

After they saw my face
they turned off all the lights.

Rodney starred in
my Christmas special.

I Don't Get No Respect: On Ice.

Oh, and I'll tell
you, it was cold.

It was so cold, it was colder than my
wife's handshake on our honeymoon.

- Hello.
- How do you do, baby.

I'm Jill Taylor. I can't believe
it's Rodney Dangerfield.

- What are you doing in Detroit?
- Looking for plugs and points.

I was the Grand Marshal at
the Great American Parade.

And if they made me the Grand Marshal,
how great can America be, you know?

Mom? Who's Rodney Dangerfield?

Honey, he's a famous
comic. He's hilarious.

What's with the black outfit?
Devil worshipers are in box .

- You are good.
- Thanks, shorty.

When I was a kid,
I was short myself.

I was so short I had to
blow my nose through my fly.

[laughter]

Are you this funny at home?

Not since my wife's
mother moved in.

What a barracuda.

My husband will be
so sorry he missed you.

Would you consider staying and
having Thanksgiving dinner with us?

That's very kind
of you. I'd love to.

When I was a kid I had
it rough. We were poor.

How poor were you?

How poor? On Thanksgiving my old
man showed us a picture of a turkey.

I sat there all day
trying to lick the gravy.

Bad news. If we don't get
the lights fixed in minutes,

the game is cancelled.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I believe one time I saved some time
by wiring around the circuit breaker.

Couldn't that cause the
transformer to blow up?

If memory serves, yes.

Why don't you go to your family?

I'm not gonna walk
across the Silverdome.

There might be people out
there that want my blood.

I'm aware of that.

[angry shouting]

Wow. Look at all these people.
This is turning into one heck of a party.

What can I say? In the
face of tragedy, I host.

Mr. Dangerfield, I hope
I'm not speaking out of turn,

but you seem to have
some self-esteem issues.

Oh, you can say that again.

When I was born the
doctor smacked my mother.

Rodney, remember our
special? You were doing your act,

and Aretha Franklin
skated out onto the ice.

And she sang that song
to me all about respect.

Oh, yeah, I taught
that song to you guys.

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find
out what it means to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
Sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

That's enough
"sock it to me", OK?

Reminds me of my neighborhood.
My neighborhood is tough.

They said to a kid in school,
"What comes after a sentence?"

He said, "You make an appeal."

I just wanted to have a nice
Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

Look what happened!

Sorry!

Wait. Do that again.

Sorry!

No, no, hit the console.

[whirring]

[cheering]

What were you worried about?

So long, Charo. Coochie-coochie.

Hey, the lights are back on!

Yeah, the players are
headed back onto the field.

Hey, listen, I got a massage
at my hotel in ten minutes.

Taylor family, can I be frank?

This has been the most moving,
enjoyable holiday I have ever had.

And that includes Passover
with the Tony Curtises.

[laughing] Thank you.

- Thank you. Good-bye.
- God bless you. I mean it. Stay well.

OK. Thanks.

Oh. Can you believe that
this actually happened?

Oh, yes, that was unbelievable.

You know, Jenny told
me to call her when I'm .

Yeah, and Irv wants first
look at my next screenplay.

I'm reconsidering my distaste
for conspicuous consumption.

Ooh. Dibs on the last truffle.

Hey, I'm sorry I wrecked
your Thanksgiving, OK.

No! You kidding? It was great.

It was the best
Thanksgiving ever.

We got to hang out
with Rodney Dangerfield.

[imitating Rodney] It was wild.
It was like my neighborhood.

You know, my
neighborhood was so wild,

when the kids played
hopscotch they used real scotch.

Trying to cheer me up is
getting pathetic here, OK?

Hey, Jill, I forgot to give
you my phone number in L.A.

If you get to L.A., bring the
family. We'll have a barbeque, OK?

And you'll meet my doctor,
Dr. Vinnie Boombach.

I saw him last week and asked him if
my heart was strong enough for sex.

He told me not if I join in.

Rodney Dangerfield, I'm
Tim Taylor. I'm her husband.

Oh, yeah. You're the knucklehead
who screwed up the lights, huh?

If you get to L.A. just
bring the kids, OK?

You take it easy. I
hope I run into you.

When I'm driving!

And welcome back to Tool Time.

Today we're going to
restore antique picture frames.

Because under an ugly exterior
sometimes you can find a true beauty.

[chuckling] That's not
the case... Oh, never mind.

OK, uh... To help us out today
we have a very special guest.

The Grand Marshal of the Great
American Parade doesn't like me,

but evidently, he
likes Tool Time.

That's why he's here. Let's give a
warm welcome to Rodney Dangerfield.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Here, honey. Buy the
rest of that dress, will ya?

- Over here, Rodney.
- Ooh, could she
break up a happy home.

- Great to have you on the show.
- A pleasure.

What are we working
on today, boys?

We're gonna refinish this
frame for a husky picture Al's got.

Speaking of husky, I understand you
were a husky kid. How husky were you?

I'm not here to do jokes. I'm
here to help Al with a project.

I hear that you were poor and lived
in the projects. How poor were you?

None of your business.

What kind of wood are
we using in this frame?

- Distressed maple.
- Speaking of distressed,

I understand your wife is
annoying. How annoying is she?

Not as annoying as you.

How do you work
with this guy, huh?

It's tough. I gotta tell ya,
I don't get any respect.

You're talking to the original.

'Cause I don't get
no respect at all.

I got no sex life. My wife
cut me down to once a month.

I'm lucky. Two guys I
know she cut out completely.