07x12 - The Old College Try

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Home Improvement". Aired: September 17, 1991 - May 25, 1999.*
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Tim the "toolman" and his wife Jill raise 3 children with the wise neighbor Wilson.
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07x12 - The Old College Try

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.

- You won't believe
what happened to me today.
- What?

Wayne County Community College called
the set and wants me to teach a class.

How to Blow Yourself Up ?

You know, these barbs
draw blood sometimes.

It's actually a -week
course in auto repair.

You'd be great
teaching auto shop.

That's what the dean said.
What do I know about teaching?

- Isn't that what
you do on Tool Time?
- [chuckles] No.

Tool Time is a veiled
attempt at entertainment.

Teaching is serious business.
You're talking about kids' futures.

If you don't prepare just right they're
gonna heckle ya, throw spitwads at ya.

- They don't do
that stuff in college.
- Want to bet?

You're always saying that
you want to give something back

to the automotive community.

I give them percent of
my annual income already.

No, look. You'll finally get to
share your knowledge of cars.

I share that knowledge
with you guys all the time.

But now you'll be sharing it
with someone who's interested.

[chattering]

Hello, class.

Oh, whoa. Wayne Community
College is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

[humming Tool Time theme music]

Ha, ha! What's up? What's up?

- Welcome.
- Thank you, Heidi.

- No, man, it's Billy.
- But we'd trade him for Heidi.

Thank you, flat top.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

- For the next weeks
you will be my assistants.
- Yeah. All right!

We're gonna talk about the
most important part of a car.

- The back seat?
- [laughter]

They'll be covering that in Miss
Hensley's class down the hall,

[with lisp] Our
Bodies, Ourselves.


We're gonna focus
on the engine, actually.

- All right!
- No, no, sit, sit, sit!

You don't need tools today. All
you need is paper and pencils.

I'm gonna do a history lesson
about the internal combustion engine.

It's interesting because
most people don't know

it was developed in a
little village in France.

[laughter]

- [Billy] That's cold.
- Very good spit to wad
ratio on that.

Very nice, very nice.

Is this not interesting?
Is that the problem?

- We came here to
get our hands dirty.
- Oh, really?

Well, look. The school curriculum
says the first lesson is just lecture, OK?

Since when does "The
Tool Man" follow instructions?

Right. He didn't follow them
when he fell in that port-a-potty.

You know, this material is boring
but it may come up on a test.

You make the tests.

I do?

I can give D's
rather than get them?

I'm the king.

And these are my subjects.
I say, let's get greasy.

- [grunting]
- Great! All right!

We gotta get to the movies.

I know. I just gotta set
up the table for your dad.

He's running late. I hope he
didn't forget about the poker game.

Dad forget about poker? It's
like Mark forgetting to be a dork.

Or Randy forgetting to
wear the color "puke."

Can we get through the rest of this
evening without any more insults?

Mom, I'll drive to the movies.

Geek-boy and
Vomit-Shirt can sit in back.

Sorry I'm late. Thanks for
putting the table together.

- How did your first class go?
- It was great.

So much energy. I love school.

And I think hell
just froze over.

The two hours went by like
that. They picked my brain clean.

What did you do for the
other hour and minutes?

I thought about what I was
gonna buy with your allowance.

I want to hear all about the class
when we get back from the movies, OK?

You don't have to leave. I'm making
my "mucho macho" chili. Stick around.

Five men and a vat of chili.

Hm. You might want
to get a hotel room.

Later.

[all laughing]

All right. Cut
those. Everybody in.

The game, gentlemen, is Five Card
Draw. Jacks back, snake in the grass.

So, Professor Tim, how was your
first day in the world of academia?

It was great. I have a
really cool group of students.

Hey, during roll call was
anyone named Seymour Butts?

Or Jacques Strap?

Or Kay O'Pectate?

When's the last time you
were on a campus, Harry?

Oh, let's see. I got
out of 'Nam in ' ,

so that would make it... never.

You ever thought of
going back to school, Al?

I don't know. What
would I do at school?

Well, you could
become a lab experiment.

Let's go, guys.
I've got rent to pay.

You don't pay rent.
You mooch off your aunt.

It was a figure of speech.

Right up there with,
"My wallet's in the car."

[laughing]

I need two and I'm in.

- Anybody want chili?
- Is it spicy?

Take the chrome off a
bumper with this stuff.

I'll eat it. Extra onions.

How could you digest that stuff?

I said I'd eat it. I
never said I'd digest it.

Harry, you want some?

Oh, no, thanks. I don't
want to irritate my colon.

Gee. Thanks for sharing.

- Al, you want some of this?
- Oh, no, that stuff
is way too spicy.

- Do you have any
salt-free crackers?
- Yeah, right here.

Just have Benny
lick the salt off for you.

- Wilson, you want some?
- Oh, no chili for me.

I just got my cholesterol results.
I wish my IQ was that high.

Wait a second. It is.

We sound like a
bunch of geezers.

There's a very
good reason for that.

[all] We are.

I'm reminded of the English novelist
Anthony Powell who said, "Getting old

is like being increasingly penalized
for a crime you never committed."

This is crazy. Come on, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us.

You think young you are
young. We're young, right?

[without enthusiasm]
We're young.

That was pathetic. Come
on, say it. We're young.

- [all] We're young!
- We're vital.

[all] We're vital!

We go out there and
grab life by the yahoos!

[all] Yahoo! Yeah!

Let's get this game going. I
want to be in bed by : .

- [boys] Ooh!
- [Tim laughing]

That's it for the day,
everybody. Good job.

Clean up your stations.
I'll see you next time.

All right. Wait, wait,
wait. Quick. Pop quiz:

- What's the coolest
car of all time?
- ' Eldorado convertible.

- No.
- The ' Mustang Fastback.

Interesting, but so wrong.

' Karmann Ghia.

Get some help,
Grant. Get some help.

' GTO with a tri-power.

- Color?
- Montero red.

Montero red! So close and
yet [buzzes] so definitely wrong.

Palmetto blue. Palmetto blue.

- Wait a minute. Are we graded on this?
- Just you, Heidi.

Billy. It's Billy.

Tim, we're headed to Carmine's
for pizza. You want to come?

Are you sure you want to
be seen with your teacher?

You're not like a teacher,
Mr. Taylor. You're cool.

So, you cats dig me, huh?

Up until that last
sentence, we did.

You know, Grant, you're starting
to remind me of me at your age.

Thanks.

It's not a good thing.

- Come on, we'll ride together.
- I don't know.

Shotgun!

Wait. So, the guy
says to the bartender,

"Who keeps saying all
these nice things about me?"

And the bartender says, "The
peanuts. They're complimentary."

- [laughing]
- This is good.

Eight pieces of
pizza, I'm still laughing.

It wasn't that funny in the car
with the windows rolled up, was it?

I'm still hungry. You
got anything to eat?

- Fridge is there. Help yourself.
- Is this your old lady?

Yeah. Although when you meet
her, I might use some other term.

- She's a babe.
- Yeah, she is a babe.

If you think she's a honey, wait
till you see the honey in the garage.

Hey, can I eat this?
Looks like tuna casserole.

For your own safety, Grant,
don't touch the casserole.

Put it down slowly, back away
and don't make eye contact.

Whoa. It's a ' Nomad.

Fully restored.

And fully restored again after
you dropped that beam on it.

- What do you got
under the hood?
- horses. Listen.

[revving engine]

It sounds awesome.

But I bet it wouldn't b*at
my Firebird off the line.

- You don't think so?
- Why don't we go find out?

Oh, right. You want to go
drag race at : at night?

All right.

Our first field trip!

[laughing] Oh!

- Tim, what's going on?
- Ahhh...

Hey, guys, this is my babe.

This is Grant, that's
Brett, that's Billy.

Hi. Can I talk to
you for a second?

- Sorry to bother you,
Mrs. Taylor.
- Oh, no, that's OK.

I was just, uh, you
know... sleeping.

What are you doing revving
up the engine at this hour?

That was stupid. That's
why I'm taking it outside.

Now?

Yeah, I'm gonna go out and
do a little comparative driving.

- You're gonna go drag racing?
- No!

I'm not gonna take those kids
drag racing. We'll just cruise.

Wouldn't it be cool to
take those kids off the line?

Are you insane?

You have to work tomorrow.
You should get some sleep.

I've got more energy than
I've ever had, thanks to you.

- Me?
- If you hadn't encouraged me,

I wouldn't be with these guys having
fun. I'd be in bed with you. Gotta go.

Who wants more breakfast chili?

What's the difference between
breakfast chili and dinner chili?

Well, in this case,
about a week.

How can you have so much
energy after spending the night

with a bunch of guys
screwing around with cars?

Well, I think you answered
your own question, didn't you?

Why would your students
want to hang out with you?

'Cause they're sucking up.

You gotta be pretty desperate to
suck up to an auto shop teacher.

Guys! Come on, you're
gonna be late for school.

- Oh, we don't want that,
now, do we?
- No, we don't!

Have a good day. Bye.

Am I crazy or did I hear you
come in at : in the morning?

You're crazy. It was
closer to quarter to three.

Hey, do you have any
plans next Tuesday night?

No. Why, what's up?

We could invite some of the
students and girlfriends over for dinner.

- Tuesday night's
your poker night.
- I'll skip it.

You've played poker every single
Tuesday night for seven years.

It's getting to be a drag. All those
guys do is talk about bodily functions.

- You love bodily functions.
- But I'm a doer, not a talker.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

- Tool Time!
- That's right.

Welcome to Tool Time on
location, starring that man in the tub,

rub-a-dub-dub, Tim
"The Tool Man" Taylor.

- Thank you, Heidi.
- You're welcome.

Welcome to Tool Time on location.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And speaking of
tubs, here's Al Borland.

Thank you, Tim. We're
gonna be doing a little

repair work on the
Burnett family bathroom.

To get the ball rolling we have
our friend and master plumber,

Felix Myman, who's going to show us
how to get rid of a really nasty sink clog.

And they say there's
nothing good on TV.

Felix, come on and join us.

- Hello, Tim, Al.
- How are you doing?

Great to have you back.

Felix has more of his work on
TV than any other plumber I know.

Years ago I had
my own cable show.

Pipe Styles of the
Rich and Famous.


Felix, from now on let
me do the jokes, OK?

- Well, why don't
we plunge right in?
- Al!

All right, well...

Now, the first thing you want to do
is determine the nature of your clog.

Well, my guess is, there's
something foreign caught in the pipes.

You think?

Foreign? You mean like a
Volkswagen? Maybe Julio Iglesias?

Maybe Stonehenge is in there.

I'm on the clock, Tim. Every one
of your jokes is costing you money.


Not to mention our viewers.

To clear a foreign object
through the pipe I use a snake.

That's pretty
old-fashioned stuff.

Hip, young guys are using
compressed air to clear their clogs.

That's fine if you've got
hip, young pipes, Tim.

But these old pipes, compressed
air can damage old plumbing.

That's right. A snake may be
slower, but it's trusty and reliable.

[groaning]

"Trusty" and "reliable.

Are there two duller words
in the English language?

Wait a minute. Yeah, there are. Al,
you don't have a middle name, do ya?

[inaudible]

Well, this clog won't budge.

I'm gonna need a snake
with a retrieving auger.

Wait a minute. Felix, come on.

Go with compressed air. It's
now. It's "go with the flow, baby."

If there was any flow,
we wouldn't be here.

I'm gonna get my pipe snake.

While Felix gets the retrieving auger,
why don't we take the time now to...

Not so fast, Al.

While he's gone... Heidi,
my master blaster, please.

- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

Uh... we might want to remind
our viewers that these are old pipes,

and the master blaster blows
compressed air at , psi.

Well, it used to. Until I removed the
regulator. Now it goes to , psi.

- Tim, that's an awful
lot of pressure.
- [air blowing]

"The Tool Man" works
great under pressure.

- What are you doing?
- Clearing pipes with
compressed air.

- Don't burst my bubble.
- [rumbling]

That's not the only thing
your bubble's gonna burst.

Oh!

- [rumbling]
- [creaking]

I worked on a sub in the
Navy and I know that sound.

- What happens next?
- I'm going AWOL.

Me, too.

I'm going down.

- Thanks, honey,
for making this dinner.
- I wanted to.

I've never seen you
so excited about dinner.

It'll be great. For dessert
we'll go to the garage.

I'll introduce us
all to the hot rod.

- The dinner party
of my dreams.
- [laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

- Hey, come on in.
- Hey, Tim. This is Christy.

- That's Andi.
- [both] Hi.

Good to see you.

This is my wife.
Everybody, this is Jill.

Hi. It is so nice to
meet you, Mrs. Taylor.

- Oh, please, call me Jill.
- Oh, I love your house!

It reminds me of my mom's.

This place is so retro.

I've been meaning to ask you, where
did you find this great ' 's furniture?

In the ' 's.

- Do you guys want sodas?
- No, I brought brewskis.

- Yeah.
- Not me. I'm driving.

- [cans opening]
- Whoa! Party.

- Can I get you a glass? Paper towel?
- No, thanks.

How's that carpet doing?

Well, um...

We got hors d'oeuvres. You
want to wait for Billy and his girl?

- They may not be coming.
- They didn't call or anything.

They were thinking of going to
a club, said they'd play it by ear.

Jill planned the
party for eight.

- She took a lot
of work to do that.
- It's OK.

- There's more food
for the rest of us.
- Yeah! Great!

- Yeah.
- Then again, maybe not.

This meal was delicious, Jill.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Oh, my God. The
chicken's all gone.

I'm sorry. Did you want some?

No, no! I'm just so surprised
that anyone ate my chicken!

It was nice of you
guys to come by tonight.

- Yeah. We know
it's a school night.
- Oh, not for me.

We're playing hooky tomorrow
because it's my birthday!

Yeah, it's the big two-three.

Grant and I are gonna
go and pick out a ring.

- Oh! Are you getting married?
- No!

Grant's buying me a nose ring!

Nothing says "I love you" like a
piece of steel right through the nostril.

I wanted to get a nose ring,
but Brett here thinks it's gross.

- I'm with Brett.
- He wants me to get
a navel ring.

Yeah, so it'll match mine.

[Christy] Isn't it cute?

Oh! Cool. Matching
"his" and "her" lint traps.

[beeping]

- Oh. Can I use your phone?
- Sure. Yeah, yeah.

You know, Jill's in college now.

Yeah. I went back for
my Master's in psychology.

It was really hard to
go back at my age, but...

I've always been fascinated by
the complexity of the human mind.

- Keg party in Ypsilanti!
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Billy said we
should all drive up.

I can fit six in my truck.
I've got the camper.

If we leave now we can get
there for the first round of Thumper.

- Whoo!
- Hey, hello. Hello.

What about dessert?
Jill baked a real nice cake.

We can look at the hot
rod. What do you think?

- We can do that
some other time.
- Come on, Jill. Let's party.

No, guys, I'm sorry.

But there's no way on
Tuesday night at :

that I could drive to Ypsilanti.

I've got classes and I've
got to get three kids to school.

You? We can pull an all-nighter
and get you back in the morning.

Hmm. Let me think about it.

No!

I've got a real
busy day tomorrow.

I've got to go to Small Claims
Court about a little bathroom issue.

If you don't want to go to
Ypsilanti we don't have to go.

No, you guys go and have a good
time. I'll see you in class on Thursday.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Thanks.
- Bye.

Mind if we take a piece of cake?

No. Please help yourself.

- [Grant] Bye, thanks.
- [Jill] Nice to meet you.

- Thanks a lot, OK?
- Bye, Jill.

Yeah, OK. Bye!

- Drive carefully.
- Bye.

- Well, they seem very nice.
- Yeah. Yeah, didn't they?

If you like immature, irresponsible,
rude people they're nice.

Honey, they're kids. They
were just acting like kids do.

We never acted
like that in college.

Tim, do you remember
anything about college?

I remember there
were a lot of stairs.

I'm sorry this evening didn't
work out the way you expected.

I don't know what I expected.
I'm not years old anymore.

I bet it was fun to pretend
you were for a couple weeks.

Did you ever envision
yourself in the future,

married in the
suburbs with three kids?

No.

I figured I'd spend the rest
of my life driving my van,

listening to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
on an -track.

I guess it's not so bad
to be instead of .

It feels good to be settled, have some
roots, even though they're getting gray.

To have a job, some money
in the bank. That's good.

We don't have to worry about
getting lucky on New Year's Eve.

We just have to worry about
staying awake on New Year's Eve.

So, how was it, being married to a
college kid for a couple of weeks?

Well, the sex was a lot better.

No small thanks to the moves
I learned from Mrs. Hensley.

- Mrs. Hensley?
- She had a class
in the university.

[with lisp] Our
Bodies, Ourselves.


She's and she can do some wacky
things with the overhead projector.

- [hissing]
- I know that sound.

I worked in the Navy on a sub.

What happens next?

AWOL.

We're going down.
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