07x17 - Taking Jill for Granite

[bunniefuu]

[Jill] Hi, sweetie.

- Hey, how ya doing?
- All right.

- Good news,
I finished the kitchen.
- Finally!

I, uh, like it. It's airy.

Well, Tim, when you said done, I
had a whole different image in my mind.

I finished my part. I
got the cabinets in, huh?

- Well, they look great.
- Thank you.

Now we just gotta find the right
granite guy to put in the countertops.

Tim, you fired the last two 'cause
you didn't like the way they measured.

And then you interviewed another
guys. Can't you just pick one?

Honey, you cannot pick a
granite guy out of the phone book

like you would a
doctor or a lawyer!

I got my feelers out.

When, realistically,
do you think

we can expect to have
our kitchen finished?

[scoffs] If I could predict the future,
I'd be down at the racetrack right now.

- [phone rings]
- Cross your fingers.

Hello... this is him.

Hi.

Perfect. That's the information
on your answering machine.

Can you be here tomorrow, : ?

Perfect. I can't wait.
Thank you very much. Bye.

The god of granite
just smiled on us!

Meaning?

- We hired the best guy
in the state.
- Yes!

Well, apparently the couple he
was working for split up. [laughs]

She got the sport ute and
the house, he got the Shih Tzu.

And we got the granite guy!

Hustle up, he'll be here any minute.
I want everything neat and tidy.

Of course, we mustn't be
messy for the granite guy.

Do I look OK for
the granite guy?

You don't look OK for anybody.

I'm serious. It's important to project a
good image for your sub-contractors.

Is that why you're not gonna be
here today? Good thinking, Dad.

I'm not gonna to be here
because I'm supporting my family.

I tell you, it'd be easier
getting a new family

than getting a new granite guy.

And on that psychotic
note, I'm leaving for school.

[Mark] Me, too.

Hey, uh, hugs and
kisses to the granite guy.

Bye, guys, have a
good day. Good morning.

Is that what you're wearing?

What's wrong?

Nothing, if we're going to
a tractor pull or something.

- But the granite guy is coming.
- [doorbell rings]

Put on lipstick, do
something with your hair?

Sure, and I'll put on some
pearls for the plumber. God!

Oh, hi. Patty. You're just
in time for the granite guy.

I don't know what you're talking
about. It's not the first time, though.

- Brought your psych book.
- Thank you.

Look at Patty. She
looks great, doesn't she?

She is ready for
the granite guy.

- Will you shut up?
- [doorbell rings]

- God. He's nuts!
- What's that about?

- Tim Taylor?
- Hey, that's me! Huh.

And I don't need to know who
you are. Your work speaks for itself.

- I want to introduce you
to my kitchen.
- Wow.

Tim, you did a great
job on these cabinets.

- And this is my wife, Jill.
- And her friend, Patty.

Pleased to meet you, Patty.

Jill, I believe
we've met before.

- Yes, I... I think we have.
- Where?

At the Y. As a matter of fact,
Tim, I've seen you there, too.

- Don't remember.
- Small world, isn't it?

Yeah. Here I thought
you were just a gym guy,

and you're the granite guy.

That's me. Hey, uh, Tim, I need a
workspace. Do you have a garage?

Do I have a garage?

I got something out there, a '
Ford convertible all retro-ed out.

Ooh, what do you
have under the hood?

What do I have under the hood?

Oh, man, is he gorgeous! It's
like he walked out of a dream!

Tell me about it!

He's the guy!

- What guy?
- The guy! The guy! The guy!

- Who I had the dream about!
- The guy that asked you out?

- Yes!
- The widower with
the four daughters?

No, no! That was just
in my dream, you know.

I don't know anything
about this real Ian.

- You gonna tell Tim
he asked you out?
- I can't.

I mean he's driven us all crazy
looking for somebody to do the counters.

- He's finally found
someone he likes.
- So?

If I tell him he could get
jealous and he'll fire him

and then I'll be looking at
holes in my kitchen forever.

Yeah. I'll bet you'd much
rather look at the granite guy.

Stop.

All that happened was
he asked me on a date,

found out I was
married, that's it.

- Right. But what about the dream?
- The dream was just a dream.

Ian is just a symbol.

Yeah, a sex symbol. Well, OK!

- I gotta go! See you guys later.
- Bye, Patty.

Bye, Tim.

Oh, well, I gotta get to work. If there
is anything you need, just ask Jill.

- OK.
- Give this guy
whatever he wants.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Well, this is certainly
a coincidence, huh?

Yeah, I'll say!

What's your husband gonna say
when he finds out I asked you out?

Well, I don't think I
am gonna tell him.

Tim tends to get jealous and
nothing happened, so what's the point?

If that's the way to handle
it, you're secret's safe.

I gotta get stuff
out of the truck.

Yeah, I have to work
on this psych paper.

You know, I used to
teach sculpting in college.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

How did you get
involved in granite?

It pays a lot better, and I like
working with my hands, you know?

Hmm, lucky us.

Welcome to Tool Time on
location from Al's living room.

We're gonna show you
how to conserve energy.

Now, a good place to start would
be replacing all your old insulation.

- I would recommend
that you...
- Heidi?

- Yes?
- Tell us when
the camera is rolling.

OK!

Hi, I am Tim "the
Landlord" Taylor

and, you all know
my tenant, Al Borland.

Now, in winter, homes
consume more energy,

which is why I like...

- double glazed windows.
- And double glazed donuts.

Along with replacing windows,
we came from the basement

where we put in furnace filters.

For maximum efficiently

I recommend replace
the filters every days.

Al's on a -day cycle.
That explains the bloat.

All right now, next
up, next up we're, uh,

we're gonna look for the greatest
source of energy loss, air leaks!

You can find one
underneath the front door.

Right, to simply fix that, put
in a door sweep as a barrier.

- An easy do-it-yourself fix.
- Let's get to work.

Ooh, Al, I see another draft.

[sighs] It's a cold one.

Would you like some
of this old olive loaf?

At least I think those
green things are olives.

I think I'll stick
with what I brought.

Matter of fact, would you
like some chicken Florentine?

- I got plenty.
- Ooh, that smells great.

- Grab a plate.
- OK, great. Thanks!

I'm, uh, not much of a cook.

My meatballs are harder
than these countertops.

I have a k*ller
recipe for meatballs.

- Really? What do you
put it in it?
- Cayenne and chili peppers.

- That sounds hot.
- Oh, it is hot. I like hot, don't you?

Yeah, I like hot. Hot's good,
nothing's wrong with hot.

Well, then you have to
try this jalapeño corn bread.

Oh.

Mm-mmm, that's really good.

- Isn't it something?
- Mm-hmm.

- That enough?
- You bet.

God, it's nice to have a
break from this stupid paper.

Yeah, you seemed a
little stressed over it.

I have this teacher, Professor
Nimmelman. He's impossible to please.

- Norm Nimmelman?
- You know him?

Yeah, I play guitar
in a band with him.

Norm Nimmelman is a musician?

Yeah. Well, let's just say he has an
instrument and sound comes out of it.

Welcome back to our continuing
effort to make Al's place energy efficient.

Thank you, Heidi.
We now give you...

[fanfare plays]

[both] The board door!

Now, a board door is
the most effective way

to detect air leaks
in your home.

By creating a vacuum
inside the house,

it pulls outside air
through any cracks.

- Since you can't see air...
- Unless you live
in Los Angeles.

Oh, that's not pollution,
that's a marine layer!

We're gonna use this
generator to create smoke

so we can then see our leaks.

Thank you, Tim. Now have
you sealed up the house,

- all doors, windows, vents?
- You bet I have.

We're ready to see leaks.

But first off, let's make sure
that the fireplace flue is shut.

A good way to remember that is
to close the flue, pull towards you.

Push away, make fire today.

My grandfather taught me that.

All right, Tim, why don't you go
outside and crank up the smoke?

- Can I turn on the blower?
- All right.

It's a great control panel.
Look at this bad boy, huh?

[machine whirring]

[whirrs much faster]

You might not want
to tweak it that high.

The faster we tweak,
the faster we find our leak.

My grandma taught me that one.

All right, now we'll
just seal this up.

And wherever we see smoke,
I'll just mark that with my adhesive

and we'll caulk
and seal the leak.

All right, here's one.
Pretty common place for it.

Smoke will come in
under the siding there.

Turn off the fan!

Tim probably wants me
to turn up the fan. No way!

Al, I was wrong about the flue.

To close the flue, it's push
away from you... Close the flue!

Ah, well, boy, that would
defeat our purpose, wouldn't it?

So we'll, uh, we'll just
close that up there.

Seems to be stuck.

OK, I'll see ya. Bye!

- Well, I'm back.
- What happened?

- Truck won't start.
- Oh.

Can I use your phone? I'll
call a buddy and get a lift.

- Where do you live?
- Ferndale.

- Ferndale? I could give you a ride.
- Ah, you don't have to do that.

After you shared your lunch
with me, that's the least I can do!

OK, do you mind if I
leave my tools here?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, oh!

But cover them up or Tim will
want to play with them all night long.

I gotta get rid of that truck,

- My girlfriend
told me trade it in.
- Oh, so you have a girlfriend?

Well, not anymore.
She traded me in.

- Ah, she was too good
for me anyway.
- What's that about?

You seem like a great
guy... you're the granite guy!

You seem smart and talented. Any
woman would be lucky to have you.

That's nice of you to say. This is
my place, the red one on the right.

Barn red.

- Oh, that is so cool!
- Thanks.

- And thanks for the lift.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.

You know, when I got
to your place this morning

and, you know, we
saw each other again,

I... I was afraid it was going to be
just awfully uncomfortable all day long.

- But it wasn't, not at all.
- No, it really wasn't.

You know, we had a nice
talk and a nice lunch and...

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What I thought you
wanted me to do.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I just wanted to give you
a ride home, that was it.

Oh, I am sorry. I couldn't
have misread everything.

Oh, yes, you did. You did.

- What about the signals
you're sending?
- What signals?

You didn't want to tell your
husband about me asking you out.

You jumped at the
chance to take me home.

- I did...
- You checked out my butt.

- I did not!
- You did so.

I did not!

How could you tell if
someone's checking out your butt

if it's, you know,
right in your face.

Well, because I saw your
reflection in the window

because I was checking you out.

Well, you had no business

checking out a reflection in
a married woman's window.

I know. Look, I'm
sorry, I feel like a idiot.

Tomorrow everything's
going to be strictly business.

Uh, uh. No. I don't think
there should be a tomorrow.

What do you mean?

I'm not going to feel
comfortable having you finish this.

[sighs] Who's going
to install the rest?

Well, I do happen to be married
to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.

Well, good luck.

Hi! Why is Ian's truck still out there?
You said he was gone. Where is he?

Ian's truck broke down
and I gave him a ride home.

Look at this, these beveled
edges, you can't even see a seam.

This guy's work is great! Imagine
what this'll look like tomorrow.

Pretty much the same.

- Why do you say
something like that?
- I fired Ian.

For a minute there I thought
you said you fired my granite guy.

I did. When I gave him a
lift home, he came on to me.

You fired the granite guy?

Did you hear what I
said? He came on to me.

- Did he say you have
a nice outfit?
- He kissed me.

[silent mouthing]

- [stammers] What did you do?
- I pushed him away.

- Well, you should've fired him!
- I did fire him!

You fired the granite guy!

He's here one day and hitting
on my wife. What is that about?

I should have told you the whole
story the minute Ian walked in the door!

The whole story?

You and Ian
have... have a story?

Well, you remember
when I told you

that a guy at the Y
asked me out on a date?

Ian's the guy that didn't
know you're married?

- Yeah.
- Well, why didn't you
tell me this?

I thought you'd get jealous
and it would make you crazy.

What did it make you, Jill?

Now, come on,
you're getting paranoid.

Am I?

I had no idea that this
was gonna turn out this way.

All I wanted was for you
not to fire another guy

and for us to get
our kitchen finished.

Did you?

Maybe you secretly have
the hots for the granite man.

I don't have the
hots for any man!

Hmm.

Look, you know
what I mean, well...

You... You probably have
plenty of secrets from me!

No, I don't. You talk
about trust in marriage.

You do something like
this and you break it.

I feel terrible, I
am really sorry.

Are you?

Or maybe inside you're
jumping for joy? Huh? Huh?

Maybe you and Ian are just
spinning a web of twisted little lies.

And I am just your prawn.

Tim... a prawn is a big shrimp.

Right. You can't play
chess with a crustacean.

What I am asking you is,

how honest is a person
supposed to be in relationship?

[Wilson] I always believed
in being totally honest.

- You have?
- I haven't had
a decent relationship

in over years.

[sighs] So, maybe it's not such
a good idea to be totally honest.

Well, it depends
on the relationship.

What made you think
you couldn't be honest?

Well, I told myself it was because
I thought he would get jealous.

- There might be
more to it than that.
- Ah.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, I am reminded of
the English writer Aleister Crowley

who said that "falsehood is
invariably the child of fear."

What am I afraid of?

I don't know.

Maybe if Tim knew that
I was attracted to Ian...

- He would love you less?
- Well, yeah.

I mean, what kind of a
person does that make me?

A human person.

Well, I was extremely
human today.

I even snuck a peek
at this guy's butt.

Well, Jill, that's no big deal.

If I had a nickel for every
married woman at the library

who checked out my butt, I could
pay everybody's overdue fines.

Well, I wish that I could,

you know, go ahead
and be honest with him

and tell him I was
attracted to Ian.

Maybe you should.

You know, when it comes
to the really big stuff,

- Tim doesn't keep
any secrets from me.
- Or me!

Tim?

I know, you're still mad at me.

You see the shine on this stone?

Your stud-muffin must have spent
three hours polishing this thing.

Tim, I'm really sorry.

I should have been
up front with you.

Yes, you should have.

I want us to have
a trusting marriage.

I'm going to be more honest
with you about everything.

- You are?
- Yeah.

- About Ian...
- About Ian,

are you really
attracted to that guy?

Initially or today?

Any time since the
dawn of civilization.

Yes.

How attracted were you?

Not enough to even consider
putting our marriage in jeopardy.

But you were still
attracted to him.

Yes, I was.

You've been attracted
to other people?

Yeah, but no one
with his type of skills.

Come on, Tim.

Isn't there somebody we
know you've been attracted to?

- No.
- Come on, Tim.

- Maybe. Patty.
- Who? Patty!

- She's kinda hot.
- You think Patty is hot?

Warm.

I shouldn't have
told you. Why did I?

No you should have... 'cause
these feelings are perfectly natural.

All that matters is that we
are committed to each other.

- Can I ask you something?
- What?

- Now go with me on this.
- OK, OK.

- Let's say
you weren't married.
- Yeah.

Who would you
pick, me or slab boy?

Did you drop some
polish on the floor there?

I'd pick you.

Would you?

[knocking on door]

[grunting]

[muttering]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[short grunt]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunting laughter]

- [crash]
- [groan]