04x01 - Poison

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Here we are,
in orbit once again.

Most of tonight's program will be
taken up with a story called, "Poison. "

A rattlesnake.

It's a new warning device
I've instituted

to sound an alarm when
a pickpocket is at work.

It comes in
several sizes,

including very small ones
for ladies' purses.

He's very alert.

This is far superior
to ordinary burglar alarms.

For if a thief is foolhardy enough
to put his hand in the pocket...

There are
a few bugs in it.

Once, when a thief put
his hand in my pocket,

the snake became confused and
struck in the wrong direction.

The doctor had to put a
tourniquet around my stomach.

Unfortunately, that proved
to be the wrong stomach.

It was the snake
who d*ed.

I see that it is now what my
sponsor calls "high time. "

And here is what he thinks
it is high time for.

Timber.

Timber, come here.

What's the matter?

Shh.
Stop. Wait a minute.

What's the matter, Harry?
Shh!

Don't make a noise.

You been hitting the booze?
No.

Take your shoes off
before you come any nearer.

Please do as I say, Timber.

You been hitting
the booze.

Quickly, Timber, but
take your shoes off first.

Always humor the old
and the drunk.

Don't touch the bed!

Please don't touch the bed!

It's either that or
a bad go of malaria.

It's a krait.

A krait?
Yes!

Where'd it bite you?
How long ago?

They k*ll you
in a few minutes.

I haven't been bitten.
Not yet.

It's on my stomach.
Lying there asleep.

Who are you kidding?

Instead of seeing snakes,
now you're feeling them.

No!

You mean to tell me there's a krait
lying on your stomach right now?

I swear it.

How did it get there?

I was reading.

I was just lying there,
reading.

I felt something on my chest
behind the book, sort of tickling.

Then, out of
the corner of my eye,

I saw this little krait
sliding over my pajamas.

Small, about inches.

Knew I mustn't move.

I could feel it
through my pajamas,

moving on my stomach.

Then it stopped moving.

Now it's lying there
in the warmth.

How long ago?
Hours.

Just after the houseboy left.

But I can't keep still
much longer.

I've been wanting to cough.

I believe your story, Harry.

As a matter of fact, that's not a
surprising thing for a krait to do.

They hang around people's
houses, they go for warm places.

These little fellows k*ll a
surprising number of people each year.

Don't t*rture me.
Think of something!

Okay, kiddy,
I'll think of something.

What's that for?

Why, Harry,
I'm surprised at you.

Weren't you a Boy Scout?

If that little reptile should
get excited and bite you,

why, I'll just make a slash, and
I'll try to suck the venom out.

First thing I think we should do is to try
to get the sheet down as quiet as we can.

You know, let's just
take a look at things.

I don't think
it will disturb him.

No!

Don't be a fool. The
light would frighten him.

We ought to just
pull it down quick

and see if I can hit him
off before he strikes.

Why don't you
get a doctor?

That's right.

Good old Dr. Ganderbay.
I'll do that.

Oh, no. No. It's no good.
He's on his vacation.

No.
Yeah, I'm sure of it.

Drove to Singapore tonight. Not
another medico in the whole district.

Leaving later,
cool of the night.

Harry, it's past midnight.

You can try.

Yeah, all right.
I'll try.

Oh, Harry,
what's the doctor's number?

Oh, don't bother answering. I'll look up in
the phonebook. It's around here someplace.

Yeah, well, let's see.

The right district here...

Pahang. Pahang.
E, F, G.

Here, under Ganderbay, Dr.

Operator, I'd like
Pahang , please.

Hello, Dr. Ganderbay?

Oh.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

Got the wrong number.

Should have used my glasses.
Here they are.

Yeah, let's see now.

Pahang.

That's it.
Ganderbay.

. I told the operator ,
didn't I?

Well, you know,
and look a lot alike.

Shake of a lamb's tail now,
chop, chop.

Operator, I got
the wrong number.

Yes. I want Pahang .
Yeah, I said three.

Yeah, it's an emergency, yes.

Hello, Dr. Ganderbay?

Oh.

I see. Well, do that.

Thinks he's left.
But the boy's gone to see.

Doctor, doctor!

Party on ding-a-ling.

Say that I've gone.

Yes, Doctor. So
sorry. Doctor go?

No, wait. I will come.

Well, I think he must have
left. There's nobody...

Oh, no, wait a minute.
Here he is.

Hello, Doctor,
this is Timber Woods.

Mr. Woods,
you are not in bed yet?

Doctor, could you
get over here quick?

And bring some serum
for a krait bite.

Nobody's been bitten.

Harry Pope's lying in bed, and
he's got one lying on his stomach.

It's asleep under the
sheet on his stomach.

He is not to move or to talk.
I'll be right over.

Like to have a cigarette?
It will calm your nerves.

Make me cough.

You mind if I...

I'm sorry.

You know, Harry, I don't agree
with the doctor about not talking.

It's all right about you, but, you
know, about me. Help pass the time.

Your nerves must
be hopping.

Besides, if anything
still should happen,

there's a number of things that we
should decide about, aren't there?

What things?

Julie, for one thing.
What about her?

What about her?

What is there in a girl?

Is it the mother
that's in every girl

that sells her on
taking on a sot like you?

I'm not going
to drink anymore.

Hogwash, Harry.

Once a lush, always a lush.
It's happened too many times.

Oh, sooner or later, Julie
would have found out about it.

I could have waited, but
maybe now I don't have to wait.

Maybe she'll never
find out about it.

I know what
you're trying to do.

Push me into
something rash,

wake up that thing.

Don't you want to think
about the girl who came

all the way out here
from Paris to see you?

Or was it
the both of us, then?

Yeah, but...
For the love of heaven...

Harry, be calm. You're not
supposed to talk, remember?

I know very well what
you'd say. Try to blame me.

Say I made a boozer out of you
so I could take over the business.

You're welcome
to the business!

You know something, Harry?
You're right.

I did make a drunk
out of you.

So what now?

When this little krait
may yet turn into...

What's the expression?

The hand of God?

Oh, in a very amusing
disguise, of course.

It will cool you off.

Make me cough.

Here's the doctor.

How is it? Where
is he? Which room?

Right here.

First thing, we have to get
some serum into him. Kitchen?

Over here.

Intravenously.

But I must do it neatly,
I can't have him flinch.

Hold that until
I ask for it.

I'm going to give you
an injection of serum.

Just a pinprick,
but try not to move.

You'll be all right now, even if
you are bitten. But don't move.

We'll be back
in a moment.

Be all right now?

Oh, quite. Quite.

No.

How safe is he? It must give
some protection, mustn't it?

I mean, the serum
isn't any good?

Unfortunately not.
It might work, it might not.

I am trying to think
of something else.

Why don't we just go in
and pull the sheet down?

Please! Please! This is not a
matter to rush into bold-headed.

I know what we must do.
There is no other way.

We must administer an anesthetic
to the creature, where it lies.

What an idea.

It is not safe, because
a snake is cold-blooded

and anesthetic does not work so
well or so quickly with such animals,

but there is
no other thing to do.

We could use
chloroform or ether.

Which will you try?
Chloroform. Ordinary chloroform.

That is best.
Quickly, go to my house.

There is no need
for your shoes!

The jeep...
Shh.

No talk, not a move.
Just relax.

You must.

It's difficult,
but you must relax.

And if you will not talk, I
will tell you what is the plan.

We shall put
this animal to sleep,

deep sleep,
with anesthetic.

Mr. Woods has already gone to
my house for the chloroform.

I shall work carefully.

Ever so carefully,
and ever so slowly.

I can't last much longer.

I got a flat tire.

I'm going to soak the
mattress under your body.

It will be very cold.
You be ready for that.

And don't move.

We'll give it minutes,
just to be safe.

You go over to the
other side of the bed.

We will throw the sheet back
slowly and carefully.

No. We must be careful.
It may be anywhere.

It could even be
up the leg of his pajamas.

He's been bitten!

It's not there!

Mr. Pope, you are quite sure, of course,
that you saw it in the first place?

You don't think you could possibly
have been dreaming, do you?

Are you telling me
I'm a liar?

Wouldn't be the first
time he's had the DTs.

Listen, you two, I...

Sorry to cause you
so much bother, Doctor.

He's had a lot of trouble,
lately. All due to his drinking.

Lost his share
of the business.

What your friend needs
is a vacation.

Yeah.

See you, Doc.

Listen, you, I saw it!
I know I saw it!

Sure, I know. I believe
your story. You saw snakes.

You saw pink elephants!

It was here in this room!
It was!

In the bed,
asleep on my stomach!

You sniveling
drunken bum.

Oh, wait till Julie hears
about this gambit.

If you'd ever been
a friend of mine...

What you need is a hair of
the dog. We'll drink together.

Hell, let's drink
to friendship!

To friendship.

Oh, Harry, you!

Oh, Harry, you silly...

I'm bitten.

I'm bitten.

It was here all along.

Harry, Harry,
am I going to die?

Harry, get the doctor!

Harry, get
the doctor, please!

The doctor's gone, Timber.

Harry, I beg you, please!

Harry, Harry! Harry!

For failing to call a doctor
when his friend was bitten,

Harry spent some
little time in prison.

Apparently, the snake
couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Which reminds me, I believe
it is time for another message.

However, I shall be back.

If you are interested in obtaining
one of my pickpocket alarms...

Good heavens,
I've been robbed!

Good night.