04x04 - The Crooked Road

[bunniefuu]

Oh, good evening.

I don't know
what this means.

They won't tell me
why I've been arrested.

They keep saying,
"Your turn will come. "

I don't like
the sound of it.

But, Officers,
I didn't do a thing.

Okay, you,
it's your turn now.

:: Mr: Hitchcock, I understand your
category is television commercials:

Oh, then
I wasn't arrested.

Don't be absurd:
Now, for your first question:

We shall play the soundtrack
from a well-known commercial:

After hearing the sound, tell us
what the person in the commercial

has just eaten, drunk,
smoked, used or driven in:

Is that all? May I
hear it again, please?

: Very well:

I have it.
The answer is...

There's a police car.

Mmm-hmm.

Don't worry, we couldn't be more
legal if we got out and walked.

We're doing exactly .

I guess you're right. Not
that we can afford to be wrong.

They must expect us to
pass them. Are you going to?

No reason
why we shouldn't.

They're going exactly
miles an hour.

If we don't pass them now, we'll have to
follow them all the way to Robertsville.

How far is that?

About miles.

Well, here goes.

We're still legal,
aren't we?

At miles an hour?
Legal as lemonade.

Well, they can't
be after us.

Well, can they?

Well, they probably got a
radio call. We'll soon find out.

Are you all right?
Yes.

That was deliberate.

Harry. Harry, don't.

Long way from home,
aren't you, mister?

You going somewhere
special in a hurry?

I thought for a minute I was going to
the morgue. What did you do that for?

Well, you were driving
kind of crazy-like.

Let me have your license
and your registration.

Now wait just a minute.

I asked you a question
I was entitled to ask.

Why did you force me
off the road like that?

Just one more time, mister. Your
license and your registration.

Come on, come on.
I ain't got all day.

Harry, please do
as he says.

Now, move it along, mister. What's
the matter? You got something to hide?

Well, Henry Sanford Adams.

Tell me, Mr. Adams, what is the speed
limit back in New York, where you come from?

It's miles an hour
on most state roads.

When it varies,
the information is posted.

The point is, I wasn't
breaking any law here.

Is that so?

Very interesting.

You, uh,

trying to make up the rules
for us country folks?

No, sir, I'm not. I haven't
suggested I'm trying.

Then suppose you tell me what you
think the speed limit is around here.

Fifty miles an hour.

Mister, you are so right.

Now, you let me tell you that
you was doing miles an hour

when you passed us
on that road back there.

Well, of course,
but I had no choice.

Now, just a minute. Just a minute.
Let's get first things straight.

It don't look right for
a man to pass a police car

faster than the
law allows, right?

Bold as brass, just like you was
holding your thumb up to your nose.

That's not true.
It's not?

No.

I had to speed up
to pass you,

but I wasn't traveling over the
speed limit when you blew that siren.

I couldn't believe
it was meant for me.

Well, I'm not just gonna
answer them remarks at all.

You just get that car started
up and follow us into town.

Officer, please.

We don't want
to quarrel with you,

but we were driving
so carefully.

And we were safely within the
speed limit when you stopped us.

Ma'am, there's no one
talking to you.

Absolutely no one at all.

Now out here, the ladies let the
menfolk say what has to be said.

Nobody talking to you
at all.

Look, I don't care
if you've got six badges...

Sit there and
do as you're told.

Start up that car,
follow us into town.

How can I start the car?
I don't have the keys.

Well, you got them now.

Come on, Anton.

Well, I guess
we've had it.

Looks like you got yourself
in quite a mess, mister.

Lieutenant Hogan, calling. Come
in. Lieutenant Hogan, calling.

What are we gonna do,
Harry? Can you fix it?

I'll have to put the spare
on, take the wheel off.

Possibly, the officer
will help me.

You being cute?

That wheel is gone.
The bearing is sh*t.

You won't be able
to put on no spare.

You'll have to let me and my
partner ride you into town.

You and your partner?

Look, don't you think you've done
enough, forcing me off the road?

Oh, this is nice.

This is just dandy. This is
where the balloon goes up, mister.

Are you trying to say that we
forced you off this road illegally?

Harry, please.
We have to be on our way.

Let's not make things
any worse.

Now, say it, mister, say it
now, what are the charges?

All right, I'm not
making any charges.

I do say that grease cap looks just fine to
me and I don't think the bearing is useless.

I can put on the spare
and I intend to do just that.

Hold it, bright boy.

I tell you now, for the last time,
that car is a hazard on the road.

The bearing is gone. It'll
have to be towed into town.

And I say that isn't true. What's
more, you know it isn't true.

Harry, please.

Can't you see what he's
trying to make you do?

Oh...

Come on, now.
Come on.

Well, looks like
you folks are in luck.

Just the man you need,
Mr. Charlie Brown.

In luck, huh?

Hi, Charlie.

Howdy.

Hi.

Looks like you're
having a little trouble.

Anything I can do
to help you folks?

Oh, I was just
telling them, Charlie,

how lucky they were that
you come along right now.

See, they need a towing job
real bad, isn't that right?

Let's let him decide,
shall...

Patrol car number six,

proceed to Kingston Road at Route
, Ashley's Shopping Center:

Repeating,
patrol car number six,

proceed to Kingston Road at Route
, Ashley's Shopping Center:

A police radio
in the truck?

Isn't that illegal?

Or is that just another one of the
little services you people are for?

Hold it, mister.
You don't go no further.

Charlie, I think you ought to take
a look at that right front wheel.

He done
a real sweet job.

Mmm, mmm-mmm.

You can put
the spare on, can't you?

The spare?

Charlie, I told the man
that the bearing was ruined.

But, see, he wants to
hear it official-like.

He's a real big brain
from New York.

Well, that bearing's sh*t. There
ain't nothing much you can do about it.

I'm sorry about
you folks' bad luck,

but afraid I'll just have to
tow you back in town.

Uh-huh. How much
will that cost?

Cost?

Well, that is
a consideration, ain't it?

Like I said, I hate to see
you folks having any bad luck.

How much?

He's the impatient type, Charlie.
Very impatient. Give the man a price.

Well, to begin with,
there is the towing charge.

Now, that's a standard thing,
that's five dollars a mile.

You're lucky there, 'cause it's
only nine miles back to town.

What I mean to say is,
it could've been worse.

I'll only charge you about five
dollars for my trip out here and then,

oh, $ for that bearing.
Give or take a few dollars,

shouldn't cost you
more than bucks.

And you think
I'm lucky?

Don't you?

I think you're a crook.

I think you're
in business with him.

Say that again.

Harry. Harry, don't do
what they want you to do.

I asked you to repeat that, mister.
I asked you to say that again.

All right,
I'll repeat it.

I think you're
in business together.

You and this mechanized
bandit you contacted by radio.

Why shouldn't I say it?

Harry!

You see him
try to resist arrest?

I was here all the time, wasn't
I? I seen the whole thing.

What's that,
the Liberty Bell?

Could be. Justice never sleeps
in Robertsville, you know.

All right.

Good afternoon, Pete.
Howdy, Judge.

Yes?

Oh, uh, only one defendant,
Your Honor. This one.

A kind of a wild one,
if I may say so, sir.

A real sharp fellow
from New York.

Your Honor, I'd like to...

You'll have your chance
to speak. Yes, Officer?

"Subject, Henry Sanford Adams.
" That's him, Your Honor.

"Driving a convertible. " A beautiful
job, Your Honor, till he cracked it up.

"Subject exceeded state speed
limit by seven miles per hour

"at a point miles north of the
Robertsville town line on Route .

"Subject was apprehended by Officers
Andrew T. Bleeker and Peter B. Chandler

"after failing to heed the
warning siren. Subject then... "

Your Honor, may I say...
Silence!

Go ahead, Officer.

"Subject damaged his vehicle
through reckless handling of car,

"after which
arresting officers

"transported subject and
woman passenger to Robertsville

"for appearance before Justice of
the Peace, Gerard Anthony Stanton,

"at approximately :
PM, June th, ... "

Well, that's about it,
Your Honor.

I see.
Well, that's too bad.

A nice new car, too.

It seems you could have saved
yourself a pack of trouble, young man,

if you'd stopped when
you first heard the siren.

I didn't think that siren
was for me, Your Honor,

because I was not breaking the
law, no matter what he says!

Now, listen here,
young man...

Besides which, we were forced
off the road by that police car

and then victimized by a towing truck
that suddenly and magically appeared.

At those prices, I could have had
a battleship towed up a dry creek!

Silence.

You see what I mean,
Your Honor? Smart boy.

Didn't I tell you
that bearing was busted?

I didn't need that
towing truck, Your Honor.

I could have taken off that
broken wheel and put on the spare.

But I was prevented
by this officer.

Did I or did I not tell you
that that bearing was no good?

Yes! You told me.
Sure, you told me.

And your friend in the towing
truck said the same thing

because that was
what you wanted him to say.

The truth is, you didn't
take the wheel off to check,

so neither of you
could have known.

Stop it! Stop it! Will
you please make him stop?

Officer Chandler.
Yes, sir?

I know you had
extreme provocation,

and I saw the threatening
gesture made by the defendant.

Even so,
let him alone.

If he has any formal charges to
register, I feel now is the time for them

while we're in the mood
for hearing them.

Any more charges, sir?

I don't suppose it would help
much. Why should I bother?

I suspect it's time to get
down to business, Mr. Adams.

First of all, you are charged
with driving a motor vehicle

at miles an hour
in a -mile zone.

How do you plead?

As I've been trying
to explain, Your Honor,

I was obliged to speed up in
order to pass the police car,

which was
blocking the road.

I'm sure I did so justifiably and
under extenuating circumstances.

Mr. Adams,
how do you plead?

Under the circumstances
I've outlined,

I plead not guilty.

I see.

Well, you're perfectly
in your rights, Mr. Adams.

In that case, a hearing will
be held in this courtroom

Friday morning at : .

But, Your Honor...

I'm sure
you heard me correctly.

Officer Chandler, you will be here
at that time with Officer Bleeker.

Yes, sir.

Now, Mr. Adams, you will
kindly post a bail bond of $

to be held by this court
pending your appearance.

If you are prepared to
post this bond at this time,

you are free to go
until Friday at : .

That's impossible,
Your Honor.

I'll be seven or miles
away from here by then.

Oh, will you?

Not without posting
your bail bond, Mr. Adams.

No, indeed.

I guarantee you'll be right here with
us in our modern, comfortable jail.

But why can't I get
a hearing now?

All contested traffic cases are
heard Friday morning at : .

Reconsidering, and from a
more practical point of view,

how would
you choose to plead?

Well, I guess
I plead guilty.

This is not a guessing game,
Mr. Adams. How do you plead?

Guilty.

Well, I would say
that makes more sense

and is more in keeping
with our tradition here.

As a matter of fact, our excellent
officers who patrol this section

are not very often
contradicted.

Now, let me see.

Naturally, I fine you five
dollars a mile for every mile

above the speed limit
to which you have confessed.

That would be exactly $ .

Oh, one moment, Mr. Adams.

Because of your failure
to stop instantly

when you heard the
arresting officers' siren,

and because of the insolence and
lack of cooperation you've shown here,

I'm assessing you
double court costs.

That will be $ . , in
addition to the $ for speeding.

You may pay the court.

$ . for what
court costs?

I can triple them, Mr. Adams, if
it will help your understanding.

Yes, I guess you could.

He getting smart again,
Your Honor.

Harry.

Harry, please pay the money
and let's get away from here.

Seventy, eighty,
ninety, ninety-five.

And cents?

I trust you've learned
your lesson, young man.

I have indeed,
Your Honor.

It's been
a liberal education

in more ways than one.
May we go?

Oh, by all means,
Mr. Adams.

Can I give you folks a little
lift over to Charlie's place?

No thanks. The condemned man
always walks the last mile.

That's very good. You're
the witty type, aren't you?

Sure I am.

I laugh till it hurts.
Right now, it hurts all over.

Hey, all in all, you fellows must
have had a pretty good day, huh?

How's that?

Well, I understand that
under the local set-up,

the Justice and the police are entitled
to keep half the fines, isn't that right?

Mister, you're so right.

You're so exactly right.

You come back again and
see us sometime, you hear?

Let's go, Anton.

Well, it's all gassed up and
ready to go for you folks.

May I have the bill?

The bill.
Yeah, I got it right here.

I'll be glad to
get this thing finished

and send you nice folks
on your way.

Now, like I told you,

it was five dollars for me coming
out there to get you nice folks.

Then there was
the towing charge of $ .

I'm only going to charge
you $ for that bearing.

Well, it's a big heavy car, so,
naturally, it takes a big bearing.

It's natural.

I mean, it ain't like replacing
just a little old piece of buckshot.

No, I guess not.
Yeah.

Now there's my labor. I'm
only charging you $ for that.

And the gas and oil and... Well,
the whole thing comes to $ . .

Let's just call it
$ even.

No sense
in anybody being a hog.

This is yours.

Thanks.

Fifty, sixty,
seventy. Five?

Five.

And cents, you said?

Like I said, neighbor, let's
just forget the cents.

Oh, no, Charlie, we don't
want to forget the cents.

Anything else I can
do for you nice folks?

No, I don't think so, Charlie.
You've been real sweet.

Tell me, uh,

when are you going to call
up Pete and his partner

on that radio hook-up you've
got in the truck out there?

Can't say as I know what
you're getting at, friend.

Well, I thought
if you call them up,

they might bring that larcenous
old windbag of a justice

on down with them,

and the four of you could
sit down and cut up the loot.

I can't say I like your
attitude. I don't like it at all.

Watch him, Harry.

Now, why don't you get on back in
your car and get out of my garage?

Go on before
Pete gets back here.

Harry, let's go, please.

Charming community,
wasn't it?

One in a million.

Well, I guess we've had
enough, don't you think?

More than enough.

You'd better check and make
sure you've got everything.

I've seen minor bits
of larceny,

but never in the three years I've
been with the Highway Commission

have I seen
anything like this.

Well, it's
an isolated case.

I don't think they'd believe us
back at the State House, though,

if we didn't have
it all on tape.

Long way from home,
aren't you, mister?

You going somewhere
special in a hurry?

Oh, I'm glad you came.

I'm very worried.

Things didn't go
at all well.

They liked my first answer.

But after that, I'm afraid I said
some nasty things about commercials.

It seemed to infuriate the
gentleman asking the questions.

I'm still not sure
who he is...

Quiet!
Okay, it's your turn now.

Did you ever have the feeling
you'd been here before?

It's very close in here.
May I open a window?

:: No!

What's going on here,
and why can't I see you?

Here I am: Look:

The sponsor!

What's that?

I smell gas.

Quiet:

Ladies and gentlemen, we
now offer a special message,

after which, Mr: Hitchcock
will attempt to return:

I'll bet
you're surprised to see me.

I know I'm surprised
to be here.

I received
a last-minute reprieve.

And I learned something
interesting about my sponsor.

He doesn't like
commercials either.

But the public demands them,
so what's he to do?

Next week,
he will offer three more

which promise to be
enormous, popular successes.

Be the first one in your
neighborhood to see them.

There'll also be a story.

Until then, good night.