04x23 - I'll Take Care of You

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
television viewers.

Before we continue
with tonight's motion picture,

allow me
to call your attention

to some of the bargains available
in our used rocket division,

down at Honest Alfred's.

All our rockets are
late one owner models,

with very low mileage.

In fact, some never even
got off the ground.

They are also
simple to operate.

Provided you know
how to count to one.

Listen to
these typical bargains.

"Avant-garde rocket,
complete with extras.

"This exceptional bargain
traveled only miles,

"before falling into
the water of Cape Canaveral. "

Or perhaps you'd be interested
in a late-model Thor

which still has the original
mouse in its nose cone.

But now, for our movie.

It is a one-minute
condensation of a hit.

How was the party, John?

It was expensive.
That's how it was.

It's a good thing we only have
an anniversary once a year.

Don't know what there is
to celebrate, anyway.

It don't pay
to get excited, John.

Who's excited?

My wife acted
perfectly normal.

You could hear her purr
through the whole performance

like a rattlesnake
in a small paper bag.

Get me some water, Dad.

And when the party's over
out at the country club,

I walk out into the lobby,
just as nice as you please,

and I say to the manager,
"Send me the bill. "

Just as simple as that.

But not for Dorothy.

"Why don't you pay
the man now?" she says.

"What are we,
a couple of paupers, John?"

Right in front of everybody.

I could have k*lled
her right there.

I could have stuffed her big
mouth with that $ hat of hers.

That's $ I could have turned
over on this lot two or three times

before I even got the bill!

I'll go get some
hamburgers, John.

A nice cup of coffee, John?

You always feel better
with a nice cup of coffee.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, look at this one here.

No, no, no.

Nice paint job, huh?

Yeah, but what's that got to
do with what we want it for?

What's wrong with it?

It's empty.
It's too new.

That's nice.

Okay, how about
this one here?

Look, it's
too much money.

You're a drag.

Hey, this is real nice.

It's wonderful,
it's beautiful!

But what're you gonna
pay for it with?

Okay, all right.

Come here, look at
this one, this is nice.

Low down payment,
the works.

Can I help
you fellows?

Oh, you're Mr. Forbes? My name is
Lester, I'm from the city college.

This here's
my friend, Harry.

Hi.
Harry.

Hey, we're throwing kind of
a bazaar, I mean a carnival.

And you want me to take
a chance on an automobile.

Look, I've got cars
on the lot now.

No, we were looking
for an old jalopy,

one you could hit
with a sledgehammer.

For what?

Like, you know, three
sh*ts for a quarter, man.

You know, whammo!

You know, guys like to show
how strong they are.

That's just another
human failing, sir. The...

The occasional
need to destroy.

Our psychology prof
suggested it for our carnival.

He said the quarters
would be bound to roll in.

How much you got to spend?

We got $ .

Half a yard.

That's about enough
to buy four used tires,

if there's any rubber
left on them at all,

never mind the car
to go with it.

But, sir, this is a very
important project to us.

We're gonna give a small
donation to our library fund.

You see,
that makes it cultural.

Yeah, very uplifting.

You'll be
a patron of the arts!

Well, come back Friday, I'll see if
I can't find some load for you to use.

Oh, hey,
you're all right, Mr. Forbes.

Hey, see you around
like a donut, huh?

Come on!

All right.

Nice kids, but lunatics.

They want some load they can pound
into junk with a sledgehammer.

That's just
one of those things.

Enough sugar in here?

If I tell them to take
their lousy bucks

and go buy a pair
of roller skates,

then I lose
the college trade.

So, what're you gonna do?

If I'm not here Friday
when they come back,

give them that
green ' coupe,

the one with the
transmission gone.

I couldn't unload that for
more than bucks, anyway.

I'd be just as well off if I
wholesaled everything in this lot,

and got out of this business
once and for all.

What's in it for me?

Oh, don't worry, Dad,
I wouldn't be dumping you.

My wife costs me more in
that beauty parlor every week,

than you get in
your whole pay envelope.

It ain't easy at my age, John.

Nobody wants to take you on
when you're this old.

Not that I can't be useful.

Not that I don't move around
like I was only half my age.

I know, I heard you.
I'll take care of you.

Just forget what I said, Dad.

You got nothing
to worry about.

Oh, Dad, your wife is here
with your lunch.

Hello, Mr. Forbes.

Now, what does a nice old gal
like that have to wait outside for?

Kitty?

Yeah. Why don't you
ever ask her in?

Kitty don't like to come in the
office during business hours, John.

"Don't mix business with
pleasure," Kitty and I always say.

Pleasure,
after years?

Kitty ain't so bright
these days.

Getting old, you know.

But her and I
get along pretty good.

Excuse me, John

You're looking for John,
Mrs. Forbes?

Yes.
He's in the office.

Do you always
call him John?

Yes, ma'am.
Excuse me.

A trip to New Zealand
to see your cousin Nan.

The day after our anniversary
party, I have to get hit with that!

There's no use in
raising your voice, John.

I've already called
the travel agency,

and I'm determined
to get away.

Then you just get down off that
high-octane horse and call the agency back.

Tell them your husband can't
afford a trip to New Zealand.

And keep your big mouth
shut about this

to your fine friends
in the country club.

I'm telling you,
Dorothy, the answer is no.

If you advertise it that
you're going and then you don't,

they'll think
I've got money problems.

I can't afford that now
when business is slow.

First thing you know,
the bank'll tighten up on me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

What suggestion?

The value
of publicity, darling.

I'll let you
figure that one out.

New Zealand!

I'll get her a one-way ticket
right out of Cape Canaveral.

Zoom!

Scare the pants right off
the man in the moon!

Did you ever hear
of a woman like that?

With me in hock and
things so slow on the lot?

I've gotta cut expenses.

Who am I working for, anyway?

The country club? The department
stores? The steamship lines?

I'd be better off collecting a
salary from some other poor slob.

Forbes Motor Sales.

You got a what?

A ' coupe,
nice and clean?

Well, that's exactly what you
told me about that mobile hen coop

you tried to unload
on me last week.

All right,
we'll be over, Murph.

But I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't
give you more than five bills for a '

if you loaded it with blondes.

Okay.

That was Eddie Murphy. They
took a ' coupe on a trade.

Go over and pick it up.

I gotta get back to the house before the
Empress takes off for the country club

and starts to blab
about New Zealand.

That's all I need.

Oh, if that car's any good,
bring it on out to the house.

Take the car
over to the garage

and have them check
the universal joint.

I could hear it clanking
all the way over.

You need gas, John.

I've got enough
to take me home.

Okay.

All right, so I'm a slob
without the social graces.

I'm a meatball married
to a dime store queen.

Why do you bother changing?

If you're going to act
like an orangutan,

you might as well
look like one.

I'm asking you
for the last time

to get your car out of the
driveway, it's blocking mine.

And I'm telling you for the last
time, you're not going there alone.

Any speeches made
at the country club tonight

will be made by me.

And if you so much as open your mouth
about that cruise to New Zealand,

I'll tell them you haven't got the price
to take a tin canoe up McClusky's Creek.

Good evening,
Mrs. Forbes.

Dorothy! You come back here!

I'm sorry
for your troubles, John.

It ain't my business, I understand,
but it's not the way a woman should act.

After all I told her,
after everything I said.

She's gonna run out
of gas in that car.

Like I told you,
it was almost dry.

Let her run out of gas.

I hope she has a -mile hike
in her open-toed shoes.

Oh, I better pick her up. Pour
yourself a drink and watch TV.

I'll be minutes,
maybe half an hour.

Well, I'm back.
I didn't see my wife.

Pour me a drink.

I had an accident.

Did you hear what I said?
I had an accident.

Anybody hurt much, John?
You run into a car?

No, it wasn't a car, it was
somebody walking out on Mosley Road.

A person's got no right to be walking
after dark along a road like that.

You better take that car
right back to the lot now.

We were here all night, right
in this room, just the two of us.

We were watching TV,
you understand?

Come on.

Don't put the lights on, yet.
Come here.

It's funny
how it got busted.

I don't know if somebody
threw a rock at me

or if a bear jumped out
and bit a hole in it.

You know what I mean?

I've got a pair of '
headlights on the lot.

You take care of this, Dad,
and I'll take care of you.

I figured
you'd take care of me, John.

You told me that before.

Mr. Forbes?

Yes.

I'm sorry to bother you
at this time, Mr. Forbes.

Well, that's all right,
I understand.

You fellows have
your jobs to do.

Hey, is that
the one over there, Pop?

Man, that must be the car.

Well, let's go. Wow!

Guys, it'd take three years to
knock the fenders off the crate.

Come on, how about it, Pop?

Come on,
how about it, Pop?

No, boys, not this one.

Got a souped-up motor
and overdrive.

The boss has got a couple
of parties interested.

Oh, you're kidding.

Come along,
I'll show you.

What do you got in mind,
Pop, huh?

Well now, look.
Take this one.

For bucks?
You're kidding.

The rear end
transmission's sh*t.

Now, the boss says
if you take it away now,

you can have it
for your carnival.

Thanks, Pop,
thanks a lot.

We estimate that your wife
was knocked about feet

into that clump of
shrubbery, Mr. Forbes.

Hit-and-run,
you figure?

Yes and no.

Whoever it was
sure ran,

but there were some interesting tire
tracks along the shoulder of the road.

Someone could
have taken dead aim.

Do you think
that's possible?

Anything is possible,
Mr. Forbes.

But we checked
the tire tracks,

they don't match those of
your car or your wife's.

Come on,
get it going.

Hey, Pops.
Yeah, what's the matter?

This thing won't run,
the battery's dead.

There's nothing the matter. Just get it
going, that's all, and back it out of here.

Come on, Lester,
give me a shove.

Try it again.

I understand that
you were home last night.

Yes, that's right.
I was home all night.

Was anyone with you?

Yes, Dad was. He's the
man that works for me.

He came over a little
while after my wife left.

What for?

Well, to keep me company.
Have a couple of drinks.

I'm not much
for the country club.

All right, Mr. Forbes,
I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for your help.
That's all right.

That the right mileage
on this ' ?

One thing we never do
is change the speedometers.

Not a bad buy at that price.

Hey, Pop, where
were you last night?

Me? I was out at John's.

What time
were you there?

After : .
I guess I stayed till : .

Well, what'd you do out there?

Oh, we had some drinks
and watched some television.

Two westerns and a giveaway.

Come on, Lester,
give me a shove.

John's very nice
about those things.

I had a chicken leg, some
olives and a half box of candy.

Was Mr. Forbes
there all night?

Sure he was there. Him and
me together, we had a ball.

Okay, come on,
come on.

Harder, man.
Come on.

All right, Pop. Thanks.

I may call on you later
to make it official.

Charlie?

You think
it went all right?

It went better
than that, Dad.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of you.

I have to get back
to the undertaker now.

Make it look good
with the relatives.

You don't have to worry
about that car no more.

I don't?

Them college boys
was just here.

They just bought
that problem for bucks.

Can I keep it, Dad?

Why do you think
I got it for you?

How much was it?

Never mind
how much it was.

You didn't steal it,
did you?

No.

Nice carnival, huh?

Yes, it is.

Mr. Forbes was very nice to me
when I seen him this afternoon.

He said you don't have to
worry anymore about your job.

John said that, huh?

I guess that's
the least he could say now.

Besides, Mr. Forbes
gave me $ .

$ for what?

He thought we might have a
real nice time at the carnival.

I thought maybe we could eat
here tonight at the carnival, Dad.

Well, maybe we will.

Come inside and see the
death car. Only cents.

Three sh*ts for cents.

All right, folks,
come on, gather around,

you only get three sh*ts
for half a rock now.

Come on, step inside.

Come on and shake the
angel-cake out of your blood.

Come on, let's see
how strong you are.

Step up, come on, sir.

It may be the last chance you'll
ever have to see that death car.

Well, let's see, what do
you say? Come on, that way.

Come on in, sir,
come on in, now.

Come on, cents,
only cents.

Three sh*ts for cents.

Come on, come on inside.

Come on! Yeah!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Only three sh*ts
for cents.

Thank you very much.
Who'll be next?

Step right up, sir!
Step right up!

Thank you, sir. Roll your
sleeve up a little higher

so the ladies can see
that pretty tattoo.

This may be modern man's last chance to
strike back at the Industrial Revolution,

so watch this man go.

You don't have to worry
about that car no more.

You couldn't tell it
from a plate of pizzas.

You didn't talk to
anybody about it, did you?

Who? Me?
How would I talk?

After all,
we're kind of partners now.

You know what I mean?

No, what do you mean?

I mean, I wouldn't want to
mention that busted headlight.

Except a man my age,
he's got to be practical.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

You said
you'd take care of me.

You told me you would.

Listen, John,
I never said a word to a soul.

All right, Pop,
carnival's over.

You better
come with us.

You fellas
are kidding, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Pop.
We're playing a game.

The same as you were
Wednesday night,

when you ran over Mrs. Forbes
on Mosley Road.

I'm telling you fellas,
I was out at his house.

We had some drinks
and we watched a show.

No, Pop, you got there
after Mrs. Forbes left.

You saw her walking along
the shoulder of the road,

and then knocked her off
like a pin.

He did it! He k*lled her!

He didn't give away a $
crate for bucks, Pop.

Not so that some crazy kids
could whack it into junk.

We checked with the
boys at the college.

I'm telling you,
he hated her!

You've got to
listen to me!

We're not checking into
Mr. Forbes' love life, Pop.

The fact of the matter is he didn't have
a broken headlight hidden in his house.

At least not one that matched
the glass we found on Mosley Road.

Come on, Pop.

Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!

Did you hear Dad?
Was he calling me?

Well, I'm not sure,
he might have been.

He's been a good husband
to me, Dad has.

We ate out tonight,
the two of us.

I want to thank you
for the $ , Mr. Forbes.

That headlight
you asked me about today.

I never asked him
why he had it hid.

I get so nervous at night,
when I can't find Dad.

Would you take care of me?

I'm sorry to say that Honest
Alfred's Cold w*r surplus store

has been forced to close.

Our buyers just didn't keep up
their monthly payments,

and it was rather difficult
for us to get in touch with them

after they got into orbit.

Here's news from a
more successful entrepreneur,

after which I shall return.

By the way, those of you
who witnessed tonight's crime

will be glad to learn that
the party who perpetrated it

has been justly punished.

I refer not to
the recent commercial,

but to John Forbes'
m*rder of his wife.

When I last heard, the person
responsible for the commercial

was still at large.

The big ones always get away.

Next week, I shall be back
with another story.

Until then, good night.