04x29 - Banquo's Chair

[bunniefuu]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to darkest Hollywood.

Night brings a stillness to the jungle.

It is so quiet
you can hear a name drop.

But the savage beasts have already begun
gathering at the water holes to quench their thirst.

Now one should be especially alert.

The vicious tablehopper
is on the prowl.

And the spotted back biter
may lurk behind a potted plant.

In order to reach the
scene of tonight's story

our little safari must now move
inexorably and incomprehensively

from smoggy Hollywood
to foggy London.

Fortunately we make this side trip

through the pure exhilarating air

of commercial television.

Good evening.
Are you Inspector Brent, sir?

That's right.

Come in, sir. Major Cook-Finch
is expecting you.

If you'll just step this way, sir.

- Inspector Brent, sir.
- Inspector Brent.

How about you, Major?

Beastly night out isn't it?

Yes, it's er, it's just plain Mr. Brent
these days by the way.

Yes, it's a bit damp, perhaps.

Well, it's good of you to help this way.

Oh, not at all. Matter of fact,
I'm quite keen to learn what's going on.

Yes, of course. But at the moment,
I'd like to see your dining room

and speak to your man,
Lane I think you said his name was.

Lane, yes that's right.

If you come this way.

Now the dining room is in here.

Yes I remember.

Oh Lane, Inspector, er Mr. Brent
wants to consult with you.

Please make any arrangements
he wants with you.

Yes, sir.

A police officer has arrived, sir.

- From Blackwood Station.
- Oh good, I'll speak to him in a moment.

Very good, sir.

Well, I'll decant the wine.

Did you find that particular gas valve
I mentioned to you on the telephone?

Yes, sir. If we turn it barely off

the effect we experienced
is one of a fading supply.

Good. We're going there in a moment.

Now, I want you to turn off
all the lights in the study there

except the one with the door.

Very good, sir.

Good of you to let me
take over this way, sir.

Oh, not at all.

I've only a vague idea
what this is all about.

But you have rather whetted
my curiosity, you know.

Yes, of course.

Bit pointless to go over
all the details twice, sir.

Yes, I suppose it would.

So we wait for Mr. Stone.
He'll probably be along in a moment.

Oh Lane, where does
the major usually sit?

Over there, sir.

Yes, well that won't do, no no.

You'll have to change it so he sits here.

Oh, but I always sit there.

Yes, of course. But that won't
do tonight you see, sir,

with the ghost appearing over there.

Odd. I thought he said ghost.

- Now Lane...
- Yes, sir.

I shall sit here,
with Mr. Stone opposite.

And over there, we shall
have our guest of honor.

Very good, sir.

I expect that's Mr. Stone now,
show him in here, please.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Will you kindly step this way, sir.

Mr. Robert Stone.

- Hello Mr. Stone.
- My dear friend.

Let me introduce you to our host,
Major Cock-Finch.

Mr. Robert Stone.

- Major, how do you do?
- Good of you to come.

I hope you like pheasant
and a good claret.

Well, that sounds encouraging,
I must say.

We're lucky it's Sunday
so Mr. Stone could come.

He's playing in Macbeth now, you know.

Oh yes, I hear it's a very good play.

I'm afraid though that the
Tivoli is rather my style.

I'm a great admirer of guitar.

I dare say.

Disgraceful of you to drag me
out on a night like this, Brent.

You'll have to provide something unique
and engrossing to make up for it.

Oh, perhaps I shall.

We're here to investigate a m*rder.

Really?

Exactly two years ago tonight

a m*rder was committed in this house.

In this very room in fact.

You may possibly have
read about it at the time.

Now Major Cook-Finch is
familiar with it of course

since he took the house.

Yes. I shouldn't have been
able to afford it otherwise.

People shy away from places
after that sort of thing.

Lucky for me I suppose.

Oh, you're referring to
the Blackheath m*rder.

Of course.

The m*rder*d woman
was an elderly lady.

A Ms Ferguson.

She was apparently att*cked as
she sat here eating a cold supper

which her maid used to leave
ready on her Sunday off.

Miss Ferguson was found brutally
strangled with her meal half finished.

Her little dog, a pekinese,
has been k*lled too.

Yes, I remember reading about the dog.

The police seemed to think the
m*rder*r must have known it

otherwise it would have barked.

Yes, of course it's not impossible that
he might have k*lled the dog first

but it seems unlikely that he could have done it
without so much noise alarming Miss Ferguson.

Well, wasn't there a suspect to the case,
a nephew or something?

Yes, John Bedford.

He was his aunt sole heir.

But he had a very good alibi
for the time of the m*rder.

Miles away in fact.

Oh, it couldn't have been Bedford.

I met him when I took the house.

Besides he was at Eaton.

But didn't I also read the house has been
broken into and some silver stolen.

That would seem to point to
her being k*lled by a burglar.

Possibly she caught him in the act.

Possibly, but it might simply have been
staged to make it look like a robbery.

But I thought you were retired.

Isn't the case someone
else's headache now?

It was my case to begin with and
I don't like it remaining unsolved.

Oh, has Miss Hope arrived yet, Lane?

No sir, not yet.
She said she might be late.

She'll come in the side entrance.

- Show her into the study when she does.
- Very good.

And if we are at dinner then,
be very quiet about it, please.

Yes, sir.

Now, this may seem
a little unusual at first.

The Yard will never permit it
if I'm still there, of course.

But they'll be happy to get the
compliments if the plan works out.

I intend to produce
Miss Ferguson's ghost.

He did say ghost.

Now, you see Miss Hope on the stage,
I expect a superb actress.

She's agreed to be our ghost.

I gave her a copy of this
photograph of Miss Ferguson.

She'll be wearing her
hair the same way.

And I've seen her in her makeup.

The likeness is absolutely perfect.

No, May is a very fine actress of course.

I know it's a queen in my Hamlet quite measured up

You still got me thoroughly
confused, dear boy.

I wish you would explain a little bit more.

Of course.

Now, when she appears
in the doorway here,

our last guest will see her,

but we shan't.

What? Why not?

We simply look through her, that's all.

Just need a bit of acting.

Oh, really now, that's
all very well for Stone,

but I'm not an actor, you know,
and I'm sure I can never read it all.

Of course you can, Major,
and I'm depending on you.

Now er...

we won't bring her along with the soup
that would be rushing it.

I'm bringing her along with the pheasant.

Alright Brent.
I'll have a go at it.

Good.

Now let me have a word with Sgt. Boulder
a moment and we'll all be through here.

Gentlemen, this is Sgt. Boulder
of Blackheath Police station.

He's lending us a hand tonight.

Major Cook-Finch.
Mr. Stone, Sergeant.

- Mr. Stone.
- Good evening.

- You clear about everything now?
- Oh, yes sir.

Are you quite sure the
little fellow will do his part?

Oh yes sir, you can depend on him, alright.

Good.

Well, shall we go in the other room and
have a glass of sherry while we wait?

My dear friend, would you please
settle down long enough

to tell us what you're
trying to accomplish.

Also who our other guest is.

I assume you believe
he is the m*rder*r.

Oh, naturally.

And I like it all to seem quite everyday, you
understand, I mean nothing pre-arranged.

Alright, well assuming we
all act our parts perfectly

and convinced the man he
sees Miss Ferguson's ghost.

- What then?
- Well, I can't say for certain.

Naturally, I hope it will cause him
to incriminate himself someway.

But it is only an experiment,
I mean, it may not work.

But if he is really guilty, do you
suppose he'll come here tonight,

the very anniversary of the
day he committed the crime.

Yes, I told him I got some new evidence
that I wanted to discuss with him.

It would look bad if he refused,
wouldn't it?

Oh that must be our man now.

But you still haven't told us who it is.

Why, the nephew, John Bedford, of course.

He was the only one
with the real motive.

But he has a girl who's
infatuated with him

and she swears he was
with her all that evening.

We could never got her...

- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.

Now remember, we've only just got in.

Mr. John Bedford, sir.

And so, I took a step that wasn't there.

Well here I am.

Doctor says I'll probably be in this
condition for three or four weeks.

I don't know.

Spoil all my golf, everything else.

It's just a nuisance.

I haven't had a chance to
see you on Macbeth yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope it continues for a time.
I shall like to see it very much.

I'm a great admirer of yours.

Thank you. We're playing
for another six weeks.

Er... you were at Eaton, weren't you?

Not so very long after I was.
About years.

Yes, that's right.
I heard about you.

They were still talking about
that catch you made against Harrow

when you fell in somebody's
veal and ham pie.

By Jove Major, those are beautiful birds.

Yes, I was lucky last week.

I bagged a brace of partridges
and two pheasants.

At Leadenhall Market.

I should say we're the lucky ones.

A marvel, that soup too.

I must say your cook
does you proud, Major.

Yes, they do look rather edible,
don't they?

Oh, by the way, I meant to ask you
what this new development was

before dinner was announced.

Oh, it can wait till later.

Nothing too significant,
as a matter of fact.

I don't know whether Inspector
Brent told you or not,

but my aunt was m*rder*d in this house.

Here in this room in fact.

Not really?

Must be dreadful shock,
thing like that.

Yes it was.

It was on a night something
like this is, as I recall.

About two years ago, in fact it was
exactly two years ago wasn't it?

So it was.
Two years ago tonight.

Two years ago and you still
haven't discovered the m*rder*r.

Really old boy, no wonder you've retired.

Oh, you mustn't blame the Inspector.

He and his men worked very hard indeed,
I can tell you that.

In fact, they glanced
at me once or twice.

I was my aunt sole heir, you know.

Ah now old boy, that was purely routine.

One must pursue every possible angle,
you know, that's part of the job.

Of course I understand.

I don't have to concern myself
with that sort of thing any longer.

Though of course, I still have
an interest in this case.

By the way, what does a retired Scotland
Yard Inspector do when he retires?

If I tell you, you'll get a good laugh.

Now you have to tell us.

Well, as a matter of fact, I've er...

...I've grown quite interested
in bird watching.

Not really?

Yes, I have a small place in
the country now, you know

a neighbor of mine, a widow,
first introduced me...

Ho ho, now I understand bird watching.

No no no, actually you don't understand.
You see, it's not as easy as it appears.

- (Dog barking in background)
- You'll be surprise at the number of
people who become intrigued by.

So a great many worthwhile
qualities are called into play.

Planning based on knowledge and experience,

a considerable amount of care and stealth,

and the most acute observations
and attention to detail of course.

Tell me, have you ever bird watch?

No, as a matter of fact I haven't.

However, I...

Is that your dog?

Dog? What dog?

Didn't you hear one bark just then?

- Why no.
- I didn't hear anything.

Ah... I must have been wrong.

I'm afraid I could never
work up any enthusiasm

for such a strenuous
pastime as you just...

Hello what's the matter?

Oh, just the gas pressure.

It drops off this way now
and again for some reason.

Something wrong with
the Gas Works no doubt.

I supposed we're lucky
it never goes quite out.

Ah, the advances of
modern civilization.

I sometimes believe we'd be better off
without these modern conveniences.

The gas seems to be down again sir.
Shall I bring more candles?

Oh no I think not, thank you,
it's rather cozy.

- But you, might go see what that is, hmm?
- Yes, sir.

The front door had blown open, sir.

Really I can't see why I spend this
time of the year in England.

I'd be better off to pack up and go to
Italy and let them get on without me.

Oh, come now what about your public?

My public is a conglomeration of self-
appointed Shakespearean authorities.

Half witted intellectuals
and just plain dotes.

And of course I'd absolutely
die without them.

Yes, yes I dare say.

By the way do you think the caliber
of your public reflects the player or

or would you say it's just
the nature of the brute.

Well, that's an underhanded
question, Inspector.

And I shan't answer it.

You don't play Shakespearean
roles exclusively, do you?

Oh, no indeed.

Although I must say there's been
little else worth doing recently.

I don't see why the writers
of today can't do better.

You'll be simply appalled if you could
read some of the things I've been offered.

You've had a long experience in
the theatre, haven't you Mr. Stone.

Well, I've done most things, I suppose.

Tour the provinces.

Been on the horse too for a bit.

That was many years ago, of course.

Is it... would you call it a room?

Rewarding life?

Rewarding?!
Ho ho, yes.

The vicious barbs of critics whose
opinions reflect the state of their digestion

rather than an intelligent
appreciation of the play.

The irrational antics of leading ladies.

Such as the incident which occurred
when we were in rehearsal for Hamlet.

The actress playing Ophelia,
whom we need not name, I think,

refuse to start rehearsal on Thursday

because her astrologer informed
her that it clashed with her sign.

She was quite adamant about it,

so we had to wait until
the following Monday.

And she really wasn't
worth all the trouble.

She was far too old for the part.

Then those ones exploitation
by ungrateful manager.

The malicious gossip,
lunatic adulations.

Huh, indeed the rewards are many.

And of course, nothing else
could ever take its place.

What about those first nights when
the audience stands and cheers you?

When they won't let you go at
all and keep you coming back

for one curtain call after another.

Ah yes, that's what makes
it rewarding, of course.

There's no price too
high to pay for just the...

I say, is something the matter?

No. Nothing only...

Now, what is it, my boy?

Don't you see it?

See it?

See what?

Are you feeling alright, old chap?

I say what is it?

I want to thank you...

Don't you see her?

What's the matter with you?

Can't you see her when she's
right in front of your eyes?

Go away! Get out!

Get out of here!

You can't frighten me,
I'm not having it, so go away!

Get out of here, do you hear me?

Get out, whoever you are,
or I'll k*ll you again.

Oh no, so...

So it wasn't a ghost after all.

Alright Inspector, your trick worked.

You may come in Sgt. Boulder.

Mr. Bedford, it's my duty to
arrest you and charged you

with the m*rder of
Michelle Noel Ferguson.

I must also caution you,

that anything you say may be written
down and maybe used in evidence.

You'll have to come along, sir.

Here you are, Bedford.

Ah. Very nice Miss Hope.

I'm sorry I was delayed.

What do you mean?

I've only just a second arrived.

Am I too late?

Good evening again.

Following that little presentation

I'm prepared to continue our safari
through the jungles of Hollywood.

As you can see

I'm ready to hunt for the really big game.

So I've hired a native guide.

He claims to know exactly where
the big ones are to be found.

In order to flush the game
from his hiding place,

we use a pack of fierce
autograph hounds.

Just yesterday
they treed a big boar.

And before it could be stopped

they have tored his
dinner jacket to bits.

Now, as an example of a
flora and fauna of this area

we present a motion picture.

This picture was sh*t under
incredible conditions.

We were in constant danger of the heat

native att*cks and temperamental outbursts.

Five years in the preparation

a year in sh**ting

all distill into one precious minute.

But I see it's time for me to
keep an important appointment.

I shall rejoin you following this.

It will only take a minute.

His time is valuable.

I'm afraid I must press on until
next week at the same time.

My native bearers are getting restless.

That last commercial frightened them.

Coenga.

Mocambo.