04x36 - Invitation to an Accident

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Alfred Hitchcock Presents". Aired: October 2, 1955 – June 26, 1965.*
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American anthology series featuring dramas, thrillers and mysteries.
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04x36 - Invitation to an Accident

Post by bunniefuu »

Good evening parents.

And welcome once again

to Uncle Alfred storybook.

We thought it would be refreshing

to present a children's program at night

after the little darlings were in bed

so that adults could
watch it undisturbed

and without all that peanut
butter on the picture tube.

Tonight's fairy tale comes
to you slightly expurgated.

We felt that there was certain
parts of it unsuitable for adults.

Therefore we have cut that part

where the stepmother is forced
to dance in red-hot metal shoes.

And the scene where the prettiest
daughter has her hands cut off,

as well as the bit about the old
servant been turned into a toad.

We also omitted the
part where the dwarf

falls into the boiling cauldron,

where the raven plucks
out the king's eyes

and where the magic staff
beats the old witch to a pulp.

Admittedly our story has
lost some of its punch.

But we deem the deletions necessary

because adults just don't have the same
sense of humour as their children.

And now.

Once upon a time
there was a wicked old king.

Three times each half hour

he would look into the glass
in his living room and ask,

"Mirror mirror on the wall"

"whose product is the best of all?"

And the mirror would answer...

It's very kind of you, my dear.

Thank you, my dear.
I'd like to give more parties.

I find them more of a fad now.

The old honour is passing.

I don't want to alarm
you Mrs. Bedsole,

but Virgilia is out at
the garden with a man

and it's not her husband.

I do wish she show a little
discretion in her flirtations.

I rather suspect there's
something more than that.

She's with her ex-husband.

Cam? This is too bad of him.

I'm going to have to
speak to that nephew of mine.

I'm afraid the damage is done.

Her husband has been drinking
and might get violent.

Don't just sit here, Albert.

Get out there and tell
Virgilia to behave herself.

Yes, of course.

(NAUGHTY GIGGLING)

Sorry to intrude.

Oh Albert, you did
give me quite a start.

Ah, no doubt.
Good evening Cam.

Well... Albert.

- How are you old man?
- Very fit.

I uh... hate to break in, but I
thought Virgilia should know

her present husband is showing
signs of becoming disagreeable.

Oh, is he drinking too much.

I should say he's just one drink
away from coming out to find you.

Oh Cam, you better run along.

Joseph gets very upset
about things like this.

Well since I am a devout coward

goodnight one and all.

Yes I think you should go in.

Oh Albert, you're always
my knight in shining armor.

You're one of those
enduring things of a

of a crazy world.

Oh, here you are.

I've turned the place
upside down looking for you.

Sure you have.

Who else did you look?

I think it's just about time we
started home now, don't you dear?

Why? Is the party over?

Who you're outside with?

Let-let's don't make
scene now, Joseph.

I wanna know who he is.

You were gone for over an hour.

You're being unreasonable dear.

Those are all childhood
friends of mine.

I haven't seen them
since we were married.

It's only natural that I'd want
to talk to as many as possible.

Virgie.

Yes dear.

I don't want to cut you
off from your friends.

Just because we're
married is no reason to...

But I mean, you go ahead and
see anybody you want any time.

I want you to keep your old friends.

That's very sweet of you dear.

Alright.

I'd like to be friends with him too.

Virgilia.

I tell you what.
Why don't we...

Why don't we have somebody
over for dinner Friday night.

Anybody you want.

Well, that's a very nice idea but are
you sure that you wouldn't mind?

Yeah I'd like it.

I really would.

Well that's wonderful.

And I know just who I'll invite.

Oh?

A very old admirer.

Good.

Albert, how nice to see you.

And you my dear.
As lovely as ever.

Woohoo!
You have a little bald spot.

Um...

Would be comforting to find
some small mark of time on you.

But you haven't changed
since your first dance in class.

Dear Albert.

Do you realize it has been almost
a year since you were here last?

Not quite the same now you know.

Your ex-husband didn't...

didn't seem to mind
an old admirer calling

but I'm not so
sure about this one.

Oh, this is Joseph's idea
to have you to dinner.

Come on!

Joseph, you remember Albert, don't you?

I sure. How are you Al?
Good to see you.

What are you drinking?
Manhattan or whiskey?

Ah... would you have any sherry?

Sherry?

Oh yeah, sure I guess there's some
around the house somewhere.

Well, make yourself at home, Al.

Any friend of Virgie's you know...

Oh, dinner will be ready shortly.

I just want to talk and talk and talk.

There's so much to catch up on
I feel as though I've been away.

Thank you.

What have you been doing Albert?

Oh, life goes on pretty much the same.

Civic committees, charity
lunches, that sort of thing.

And you just love that, don't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

It gives one a sense of permanency.

(BANGING SOUNDS)
What's that?

Oh that's the scaffolding
banging against the house.

I'm having it repainted.

Those fools were too lazy to take it
down and they've quit for the day.

They couldn't know the way
it was going to blow, Joseph.

Virgie, they're just too lazy
to take it down, that's all!

Don't get upset, Joseph.

Who's upset?

Dinner is served, ma'am.

Thank you Flora.

Come on Al, let's eat.

I'm for progress Al.

I believe in keeping up property values
and that doesn't mean septic tanks.

- That means...
- Fuel.

That's right.
They're an absolute...

Albert, would you like
some more coffee?

No thank you,
I've had enough.

I'll have another cup.

Joseph made lots of improvements
around the house too.

You should just see the rattan furniture that
he made for the garden with his own hands.

I don't think Al's interested
in my hobbies.

Oh, quite the contrary.

Oh, let me show them to you then.

Oh, Joseph will be up as soon as he
finishes his coffee, won't you Joseph?

Yes, yes, you two run along.

Hold on Virgie, I'll bring your coat out.

it's probably a little cool out there.

See there?

With his own hands.

Come, I'll show you the porch.

By all means.

Albert, have you heard anything
about Cam and me lately?

Should there be?

Well, I hope not but I've been
seeing quite a lot of him.

Good heavens, what for?

Albert, you never lose
your flock, do you?

Oh, what did you expect me to say?

Good luck?
Carry on?

But you don't mean that because
you don't approve, do you?

You can hardly expect
me to condone it.

On the other hand, I must confess
I have a lot more respect for Cam

than I do for Joseph Pond.

Al, but you just can't imagine
how it's been lately.

It's like living with an addict.
All work and no play.

Joseph is the boy that constructed my
happiness ever since we were married.

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I just feel like I
don't want to go on living.

Now, my dear.

You should have married me, Albert.

You must know I've always
been very fond of you.

Oh, dear Albert.

I'm afraid you prefer to have a woman
on your arm rather than one end of it.

It seems that everything I say to you
comes out in the form of advice

but I wondered if you consider
the danger of what you're doing.

My impression of your husband is
that he could become rather violent.

Primitive is the word, isn't it?

Oh Albert, what should I do?

I can think of only
one possible solution.

Stop seeing Cam.

Oh Albert, I knew you would say that.

There's the forge.

- That's the forge.
- That's the forge.

Would you like to go and listen
to some high-fidelity recording?

- Albert?
- Hmm?

Oh...

Oh blast, the latch is on.

Virgilia!

Virgilia?

Virgilia?

Doctor says she's gonna be all right.

He gave her a slight sedative.

Oh, in all the excitement,
I forgot to thank you.

- You save her life, Al.
- Aw, I didn't do anything.

What I don't understand is
how the rope could break.

It's new, brand new.

Good half inch thick.

That didn't break.
It's frayed through.

Must have been a sliver
of iron from the pulley.

Sure you can see
where it's worn away.

Probably the wind and
the weight of the planks

broke these last few strands.

Ah, I think we both need a drink now.

Eighteen.

N-nineteen.

Twenty!

I'm getting out of condition.

I got no wind.

How about a stopwatch for myself.

No wind.

Phew.

No wind!

There was no wind
when the scaffold fell.

Why did Joseph say
there was a wind.

Hello Virgilia? Albert.
Are you alright?

A bit dopey but fully recovered.

I'm sorry about the way
I folded on you last night.

I-I-I mean really all right.

Of course.

It's very sweet of you to call.

I'm always such a
bother to people.

Virgilia, have any other accidents
happened to you recently.

One is quite enough, thank you.

What do you mean Albert?

Oh, nothing really.

I do worry about you, you know.

Well... goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, good evening Mr. Martin.

Good evening, Flora.
I believe I'm expected?


Oh, yes indeed.

Mrs. Pond called a little while ago.

She's sorry she's been detained.

But she'll be here shortly.

And how's Mr. Pond this evening?

He's napping sir.
Shall I tell him you're here?

I think I'll wait until
Mrs. Pond gets here.

Yes, sir.

Mrs. Bedsole, Joseph Pond
is going to m*rder Virgilia.

Albert, I know Virgilia is an
exasperating young woman.

I told you I saw it.

Are you referring to that wretched
business about the scaffolding.

Yes.

He's gonna try arsenic next.

I saw a container of
it in his workshop.

But it's missing now.

I hope you're not letting your
imagination run away with you.

At this very moment,
Joseph Pond is lying in his bed

recovering from what the
doctor diagnosed as ptomaine.

I tell you Mrs. Bedsole,
I know it's arsenic poisoning.

He intended it for her,
but accidentally took it himself.

I suppose it's because of this
ridiculous business with Cam.

The problem is how to protect Virgilia.

That's what the police are for.

No no no no, that wouldn't do.
I told you, I've no proof.

I would think once this man Pond knew
the police were aware of his intentions

that would be sufficient to stop him.

But then it would all
become public knowledge.

And think of what that would
do to a woman like with Virgilia.

Albert!
You must confront this man Pond.

I?

You want to help Virgilia, don't you?

Yes? Yes of course.

Yes, I believe you right.

I will simply make it clear
that I am watching him.

So he won't dare go
ahead with his plan.

Albert! Flora said you come and gone,
I'm so sorry I wasn't here.

How's your husband?

I don't know, I haven't been up yet.
I just got home.

- I'd like to have a word with him.
- Oh, come on.

Albert, I think you better
let me wake him up first.

Oh ho, you're awake.

Albert came to see you.

Well, that was nice of you, Al.

Good evening.
How do you feel?

Well, good as new.

Doc says I can get up tomorrow.

Wants me to take some time off.

Go hunting or some
silly thing like that.

Might not be such a bad thing.

That's what I've been telling him.

Darling, you really do work too hard.

Well if you come along with me.

I don't think I'm the campfire type.

Well I can't quite picture myself
going off into the wilderness all alone.

What about you coming along, Al?

Hunting? Huh!

Well, if you don't care about
hunting, what about some...

...what about some surf fishing.

I know a place just below the border that's
got the cleanest whitest sand you ever seen.

I haven't been there in ten years
but if the tourists haven't found it...

What do you think Al,
could you stand my company?

No its...
not a bad notion.

It will give us a chance to talk.

Yeah.

Of all the stupid things I do,
go and leave the coffee pot at home.

You sure you didn't
leave it on the counter?

Yeah I looked everywhere.
I just forgot to pack it, that's all.

Well, it's not so bad,
we make the best of it with a can.

Well, it will be a pretty strong
brew, but it will be coffee.

Ah, I wonder why we give up all this.

All this peace.

Simply to crowd ourselves into cities.

Probably to get a good cup of coffee.

But do we gain anything worthwhile?

Protection mostly.

Protect property.
That comes first.

That's the main reason families
herded together in the cities.

As a matter of fact,
I still like to live on a ranch, Al.

But I can't get Virgie
to sell that old barn.

That's one of the finest old
homes on Bedsole Drive.

Old is right.

But you do agree that the irritations
of the city disappear out in the open.

It's the congestion.

That causes jealousy and the
unnatural deaths that follows.

What kind of deaths aren't natural?

w*r, for example and...

...and m*rder if you want
to include the petty thing.

I never thought much
about m*rder being petty.

I mean that most motives
for m*rder are pretty slight.

Considering the penalty for it.

Well, that is if the
m*rder*r is caught.

But they never expect to be.

When you think he'd give up the
notion if he knew he'll be caught?

Sure, unless he is a complete fool.

I know of a man who
intended to commit a m*rder.

Do I know him?

I doubt it.

But he didn't go through with it.

No.

A third person who was a friend of both the
intended m*rder*r and his victim intervened.

How?

Well, being a practical fellow

this third person invited the
m*rder*r to weigh the consequences.

Against the slow satisfaction
of k*lling his wife.

But why?
Was she unfaithful?

Yes, I believe that was the motive.

I thought so.

It's very similar to a
situation I know of.

The husband knew his
wife was playing around.

And it hit him hard.

That's pretty funny in itself.

This fellow is kind of a...

I guess you could call him a slob.

But he happens to love his wife.

The... two stories are-aren't
quite the same.

Oh, I think they are, Al.

You see this fellow set out to
protect his property.

Protect it, Al.

Not destroy it.

The way he did it was very simple.

He urged his wife to bring
her friends to the house.

He was pretty sure who she'd bring.

Well, he was right.

He saw them together in the garden.

Oh no, no... th-that's not...

Let me finish.

This husband I'm talking about
specializes in accidents.

Only he slipped up on his first attempt.

Seems this friend of his
wife was the gallant type.

You know, getting her chair,

lighting her cigarettes,
opening doors for her.

It was a cinch.

All my friend had to do was

wait for him to leap ahead of
madame and open the door.

Very big.

Nobly bowing and scraping.

A great big target.

But for some reason
Sir Galahad was lagging.

His wife almost got it instead.

The second time around
he made no mistakes.

He got his wife's lover to go camping
with him in a very lonely place.

He arranged for another
accident to take place.

Seems they boil some coffee in a can.

Both men got arsenic poisoning.

But the husband had build up
a tolerance against arsenic.

I understand he's going to get well.

But there is no hope for the lover.

But it isn't me.

It's Cam.

Cam!?

Cam.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

I will admit Albert might
be an exception.

He didn't look at all
well in that last scene.

But Pond lived on and on.

He's one of the happiest person
in the State Penitentiary.

He works in the prison nursery.

So much for the magical
world of make-believe.

Now for some grim realities

after which I shall skip back.

I would like to add just
one more commercial

before bidding adieu
for another week.

Parents.

Are you looking for sand
for the kiddies to play in?

Why not buy the best?

Insist on quick.

Q U I C K.

Quick sand.

Good night.
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