01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

CAR HORN

Hussey. You're a wife and mother.

You're scum, you're scum.

Slut!

Ah, you'll be judged.
Judged on Earth.

I saw the crowds.

How was the reception?

Rapturous, what do you want?

You've played a spirited game
but we both know

you don't have the guts for this.
Do we really?

Margaret, I want to give you one
last chance

because I'm an honourable man.

I'll go in there, talk to my QC and
this will all be over.

There'll be no need for you
to be confronted with...

..the evidence.

Just nod your head.

Hadn't you better take your seat?

In the matter of Argyll
versus Argyll

the court now calls Margaret,
Duchess of Argyll.

TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS

I once saw you at the Cafe de Paris.

You were coming down the stairs all
eyes were on you -

the famous Mrs Sweeney.

I won't be Mrs Sweeney
for much longer.

Yes, I've heard that,
you're divorcing him, desertion.

Man's a fool - if you were mine,
I'd never let you out of my sight.

If you were mine.

Captain Ian Campbell.
I know who you are.

What happened next?

I can't have just walked down
the staircase.

Well, you descended the stairs
and I was enchanted.

Utterly bewitched.

I said, "There's a girl
I'm going to marry."

Who did you say that to?
Janet, my wife.

I rather think it's why she divorced
me, my first wife that is.

I wonder what reason your second
will give.

Oh, she'll never divorce me,
no matter how hard I try.

Well, you should try harder,
put your...

..back into it.

You have a delicious
little stammer.

It's never been called that before.

You keep a diary?

Doesn't everyone?

Do you know what I think?

You should put a thick line through
all those boring appointments

and write, "off to Scotland
with Captain Campbell."

Should I? You can join me while I
take care of some family business.

I'll be a perfect gentleman.

In that case I'll stay at home.

Yvonne!

Margaret. Yvonne McPherson my
wonderful assistant.

Woman's a bloody godsend.

Where are they?
In the library.

I wouldn't come in if I were you.

Place is a play pit,
cold as a morgue.

Take a look around the grounds and
then we'll go for some dinner.

Let's see cousin Niall.

I've read so much about you.

Seen your photograph so often
I feel I know you.

Do you?

Yvonne!

MAN SINGS

Christ I'm dreading this.

Hello, Niall.

FINISHES SONG

Really quite incredibly hungry.

Well. We could sell an island or
maybe some land.

Do it then, but not Tobermory -
Tobermory's off limits,

it's sacrosanct. Sell Tyree or some
of the other land.

It still wouldn't be enough to cover
the cost of essential work

needed to the castle.

We can't even start repairs while
the Duke is still alive.

As he's so fiercely against anything
he perceives as intrusion.

Well, he believes in fairies,
perhaps it would help

if you wore little wings
and carried a wand.

You said you would consider
an income from the estate for me.

We discussed it and we agreed.

You're princes among men, how much?

£1,500 a year for
the term of your life.

£1,500?

I'd earn more selling my arsehole
on the Glasgow docks.

Well, if you don't want it.
Jesus wept, fine.

I don't have a choice, do I?

When do I get it?

When you inherit
the Duchy of Argyll.

Give all those pieces of paper
to Mrs McPherson,

I don't have time for them.

BIRDSONG

I'm done.

What does this mean?

Forget not.

It's beautiful.

You didn't tell me it was
so beautiful.

It's a pile.

Just needs love and attention.

She's just neglected.

Margaret, it's so good to see you.

You don't have to be here.

We don't have to sign it together.
I made mistakes.

It's not too late.
Charlie.

It is.

We'll always be friends.

Always.

Write to the children.

It's important that they know you
love them.

You can never tell a child it's
loved too much.

Bye, darling.

Charlie cried like a baby.

Poor thing.

He cried and he cried.

He said he could never love anyone
the way he loved me.

We don't have to go you know,
we could just go for

a girl's dinner somewhere.

Course we have to go.

Imagine the talk if
I don't turn up.

There's already been talk.

Your jaunt the Highlands
with rugged Captain Campbell,

that's curdling some milk.

Is it?

What do you know about him?

Terrible time with those
bloody Nazis.

Locked up in one of their horrendous
prisoner of w*r camps.

Men being operated on
with no anaesthetic

to see how long they last,
that sort of thing.

Christ, poor man.

He never said anything about that.

Well, it's not very erotic, is it?

You're not going to fall backwards
onto a chaise longue

with tails of t*rture
and starvation.

I don't know.

Cheers, darling.
Come on, tell all.

GLASSES CLINK
There's nothing to tell. It's me.

I know it's you, there's
nothing to tell.

Because he's married.

There are stories about
Captain Ian Campbell, you know.

DOG BARKS
Not w*r stories, women stories.

Diana, darling, there's stories
about me.

I liked him. I liked his castle.

Keep your powder dry,
it's not his castle yet.

Yet. Are they are out there?
Of course they are.

How much do you want to bet Maureen
gets her penis out?

Not a penny.
Maureen always gets her penis out.

Oh...

DOG BARKS

This way please!

This way.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Congratulations on your divorce.

Now you can grace us with your
beauty again.

How we've missed you.

Ah, hello. Hello.

Oh, everyone hand-picked by moi
to cheer you up.

What a wonderful hostess you
are, Maureen,

you really do think of everything.

Canapes and cock.
Is there anything else?

Well, hopefully a dessert.

GLASSES CLINK

I know what's going to get this
party started.

Here we go.

THEY CHEER AND SQUEAL

I think we need another one,
don't we?

Who is going to be the lucky person?

Freddie, come on darling.

All right, then.

Come on, Freddie.

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Who are you dreaming of?

# Dreamy eyes

# Who do you really love?

# Who holds

# The key to your heart?

# Heart

# Tell me, tell me who

# Who do you yearn to kiss?

# Open up your heart

# Don't t*rture me like this

# Your dreams

# Will drive us apart

# Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah

# bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah BAH

# Your lonely lips cry for love

# You live and you die just for love

# But my lips excite

# Thrill and ignite

# That fire of love deep inside

# Dreamy eyes

# I need you desperately

# Dreamy eyes... #

CLOCK TICKS

SHE SIGHS

I thought of you the other day.

Mm?

I took little Sheridan to
London Zoo.

I arranged for him to have
a tour with one of the keepers.

Boy's obsessed with animals.

Hmm, I like them myself.

We went to the monkey house.

My dear, those chimps with their
ghastly pink bottoms, just hideous.

They don't know that, do they?

They probably think they look
charming.

There were these other
monkeys, apes,

bonobos, quite fascinating.

Everything they do is about sex.

They meet a new bonobo,
they have sex with them.

Sticking it in and out, dear,
hello, how do you do?

In and out, tossing each other off,
fingering each other,

in and out, in and out nonstop.

It's how they make friends
and I thought,

that's Margaret.

In and out, in and out,
Margaret is a bonobo.

It's not my fault that you don't
like it, Maureen,

and that you're not good at it.

I do like it.

I like it very much
and I'm extremely good at it.

That's not my fault.

Bonobo apes sound
perfectly precious,

I shall have to make a handsome
donation to their welfare.

Bonjour, ma capitaine.
Bonjour.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, you're back.

I am, and I got you a present.

Lovely new mink
for my lovely old wife.

Magnificent,
what a picture you look.

Look at us, what fun we're having.

It's too hot for mink.

Well,
it's bloody freezing in Scotland.

MUSIC: La Traviata: Follie!
Follie! Sempre Libera

MUSIC: La Traviata: Ah, Fors e Lui

NEWS REPORT: Following the death
of Niall Diarmid Campbell,

Captain Ian Douglas Campbell
has been announced as

the 11th Duke of Argyll.

Captain Campbell is a distant cousin
of the tenth Duke

and inherits Inveraray Castle,
where he will now take up residency,

attaining salvage rights to the
Duchy de Florencia in Tobermory Bay.

Yes. Go ahead caller.

Yes, it's for the 11th Duke
of Argyll at the House of Lords.

Congratulations, your grace, stop.

I'm feeling restless, stop.

Come and see me, stop. M, stop.

That's it? Yep.

The Duchy de Florencia,
part of the Spanish Armada,

buried under four centuries
of silt and seaweed.

Shipwreck full of jewels.

It's like finding the Eldorado.

You could almost touch it.

People have tried, previous Dukes.

No-one's managed it yet.
Costs a bloody fortune.

Maybe you will. Well, it would make
it all seem more real.

I wasn't brought up here.

Don't know it, wasn't born to it.

I inherited it all from a distant,
distant cousin -

not a father or even an uncle.

I'm only the Duke because
there was no-one else.

It's only me.

Bit desperate, really.

I don't know.

It's going to rain.
Better head back.

Let's go fast again.

BOAT ENGINES STARTS

THUNDER CRASHES

I didn't know you were there.

Yes, you did.

SHE GIGGLES

Yes, I did.

I thought I'd rustle us up
some tea.

Now?

THUNDER RUMBLES

What is it? What is it?

Nothing.

What?

No-one ever sees that.

30 stitches.

You're going to be the one to do it.

To raise a shipwreck.

We're going to do it all.

Yes?

Be my duchess.

We have to promise...

..that we will never ever
bore one another.

I'll do and say many things.

None of them will be boring.

I believe you.

Then, yes.

I think it's time you met
my father.

RATTLING

SHE PANTS

HE GRUNTS

THEY MOAN

HE CHUCKLES

Daddy! Darling girl.

Ian, this is my father
George William.

Daddy, this is Captain Ian Campbell
the Duke of Argyll.

Oh, none of that antiquated
nonsense - just Ian, please.

Nice to meet you, George.

The Argylls have salvage
rights, Daddy.

Granted by King James the second.
Yes, and it's full of Spanish gold.

Oh, and a crown from the Pope.

Imagine the rocks in that -
all just lying there waiting.

Raising it sounds a job -
that's wild water.

Yes, the Royal Navy are sending
their best men out for free.

But don't think I won't be checking
those frogmen for doubloons, though.

Margaret's been telling me
about Inveraray.

My daughter's fallen in love
with your castle.

Well, George, my castle has fallen
in love with her.

Hook, line and sinker.

Can't bear to be without her.

That's why I put that ring on her
finger, statement of intent.

Right, you've made me go all pink.

I'm going to go and talk to Mummy,

leaving my two favourite
men to talk.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, Mummy.

Careful.

Yes, I can see it.

It's an Argyll family heirloom.

It looks like it came
from Woolworths.

Well, it didn't.

I may be trapped in this chair
but I still hear things.

He's a married man.

You're carrying on as if he isn't.

My daughter - an adulteress,
a round heels.

The squalor of it.

It's not adultery if the marriage is
unhappy, it doesn't count.

You should be ashamed of yourself
he's got children, think of them.

I'm in love with him.

Your skin is looking dull.

No, it isn't.

And your jawline's looking...soft.

Getting a few wrinkles.

I'm not getting any wrinkles and
there's nothing wrong with jawline.

I massage my creams in every night
and do my exercises,

just like you taught me.

Why must you always...

QUICK INTAKES OF BREATH
..be like this, Mummy?

Could you not say something nice
to me for a change?

I am so lonely.

I think your father has a mistress.

He goes out at night
and leaves me on my own.

Tell him to stay here with me.

He'll listen to you.

Daddy needs company.

He doesn't have a mistress.

He'd never do that to me.

George, you're now a patron of
Clan Campbell

and I'm humbled by your generosity.

I'm a Scot, a proud one.

it's every Scot's ancestral heritage
and I am honoured to play my part.

Also, one thing I've... I've let my
London club memberships lapse,

you couldn't help me out at your
place, could you?

I'd be happy to.

Thank you, Daddy.

You've made me so proud.

# Hold me close hold me fast

# The magic spell you cast

# This is la vie en rose

# When you kiss me heaven sighs

# And though I close my eyes

# I see la vie en rose

# When you press me to your heart

# I'm in a world apart

# A world where roses bloom...#

He did the same thing when we were
married and now it's your turn.

But he does realise that
I can see this,

that his sons will see this.

Their father - with her.

She was engaged to my brother
for a while.

Engaged to just about everyone,
as I understand it.

Is it true about David Niven?
That's the rumour.

And Prince Aly Khan?

Yes. Good god.

I'm rather fond of her.

Janet, she's humiliating me.

He's humiliating you.

How can he do this?
How is this fair?

Louise...

Mon cher, Oui-Oui, why carry on like
this?

He's making it easy for you -
divorce him.

Best thing I ever did.

Divorce him.

Ian always gets what he bloody
wants.

And her, I suppose daddy's millions
means that she gets what she wants.

"Dear Margaret, well,
congratulations, you win."

Mummy, mummy.

"I hope you'll be gratified to know
that every detail

"of Ian's public betrayal of me with
you has been unbearably painful.

I'm not a very good tea maker,
I'm afraid.

Welcome to Whites.

Honoured to have you as a member.

Thank you, George.

A celebratory snifter, I think. Hm!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

One second.

Charlie Sweeney.

To the victor the spoils, eh?

"Perhaps if I didn't love my sons
so much,

"I would fight harder,
delay the inevitable -

"just to deprive you of your
gloating triumph.

So much money out there just waiting
for us.

Good luck!

Don't come back until you've found
our treasure! Good luck.

"But I don't want to drag this out
for them,

"so I'm letting you win and giving
Ian his divorce.

"I hope my pain makes you happy.

"And I hope you never have to know
the agony of having

"your private life laid bare for all
to see.

"Of being paraded for the judgment
of others,

"though knowing a little of your
character,

"I imagine you would welcome
the publicity.

"Sincerely, Louise."

Poor me. God the tedious old horse.

Although, I suppose what can you
expect, really,

from someone who calls themselves
wee-wee.

Oui-Oui.

A nickname only used by
close friends

and you, my darling, are never
going to be one of those.

Oh, she doesn't know what she's
missing, does she?

I'm delightful.

Poor old wee-wee.

Oui-Oui. Yes, Diana darling,
that's what I said, wee-wee.

Shall we have Jeanie in the middle,
what do you think?

No, I think two girls together is
a terrible idea.

Oh, right, your children behind you,
mind behind me, one happy family.

Chest out, back straight.

No, you come closer,
I think he needs to come.

Move Colin, right back, here, all
right. And Jeanne you, you...

Just there sweetheart.
Should... Shoulders back.

Everybody ready? It's not a funeral,
you can smile.

Are you going to hold my hand?
I suppose I should.

Everybody tense up.

Hello.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Welcome, your grace! Thank you.

Shall we?

I'm going to carry you.

What? I'm going to carry you across
the threshold.

Oh, no, Ian, please. The Duke of
Argyll will carry his Duchess

into Inveraray Castle.

Come on, up you come.

Oh, my God! It's like carrying
a piece of wood.

I'm sorry but I just...
I don't like it.

I can't put you down,
everybody's looking.

Oh, no, you're going to drop me.
I'm not going to f*cking drop you.

No, can you please put me
down. Please?

Ian.

There you're down. Happy?

Thank you so much for that
wonderful reception.

We'll have champagne
and cake inside.

BAGPIPES PLAY

So, it's just to take this
whole suite,

through that door and up to the
second floor bathroom.

It's very delicate, so you might
need some help.

Hello.

Now I'm all confused.

Father. Father. Ian.

Colin. Other hand.

Look me in the eyes.

Mm, we're so happy that
you're here.

Mwah. Such handsome boys!

We've got so much to show you.

Mm. Your rooms are all ready
and we've got toast and cake

and my little doggie can't wait
to make friends.

Right, we'll I'm going for a walk.
What? They've only just got here.

I know. Give you a chance to get
to know each other.

Better without me, I think.

Where's my father?
Still on his walk.

Has he had an accident?

He might've fallen.
No, of course not.

He knows the countryside
around here.

Belongs to him.

He hasn't fallen anywhere.

He's just lost track of time.

Boys, I know how hard it is
to share your daddy.

I used to hate sharing my daddy
with anyone.

We don't call him daddy -
we call him father.

Right.

When I was a little girl,
I was rather lonely

and my daddy got me two puppies.

And they were such lovely company,
always so cheerful.

Would you both like a puppy to be
your friend while you're here?

What would happen when we
weren't here?

Well, I'd look after it.

I love dogs.

And you could write it letters from
school and I could read them out

and your little puppy would know
exactly what you've been up to.

Dogs can't understand what you say,
that's stupid.

It's just an idea.

We want to be excused.

Do you know, maybe I should send
some men out to look for your daddy?

He's our father! I heard there were
two young gentlemen still awake.

Colin, you should be in bed.
So should you, Ian.

They were waiting for you.

Ian was worried that you'd fallen
down a mountain.

Really? No, I wasn't. You own all
this countryside,

you never fall down anywhere.

Damn right.

Only cretins fall down mountains.

All right, come on bed.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ian?

LOCK RATTLES

Ian?

Ian, why have you locked the
door?

KNOCK AT DOOR
Ian?

Come to bed.

Off you get, naughty boy. Off.

You said that the Navy were
supplying the divers

for free because they were
interested in the project.

But that says £6,000.

They're chisellers. Jackals.

The Royal Navy are not chisellers.

Well, then they're arseholes.

And what mink coat from Worth?

Oh, I bought that for Oui-Oui.

Did you? Mm-hm.

Well, you didn't buy it, Ian,

because they've issued a
writ for £4,000 and...

..that's £10,000 altogether.

Why are you being such
a f*cking wife?

Honestly. I'm not...

..being... Oh, God.
..a wife.

It's a lot of money, on top
of everything else.

This is serious Ian,
those are writs.

So, let them come for me,

I'll k*ll myself and that'll get rid
of the problem.

Can't take a corpse to court.

For God's sake.

Look.

I'll pay them both this time. Mm.

But it's galling in the extreme
to think that I'm paying

for Oui-Oui's mink.

SHE SIGHS

I want to clear up this library.

All these papers.
You do not touch those.

Those are my cousin Niall's papers,
they're his work,

they're heirlooms.

Ian, it's rubbish.

You wouldn't know a serious academic
work if it came up

and bit you on your fanny.

Those are an act of thought,
of inquiry...

..creation, what have you ever
created in your entire life?

Except you.

And who else exactly am I supposed
to have created?

And I made two beautiful children.

Mm, marvellous job you've done
there, they're completely spoiled.

How...

How d-d-d-d-d-dare I perhaps?

Here's a thought, Margaret.

Pay the b-b-b-b-bills.

It's what you're for.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Excuse me, your grace.

Thank you, Mr Casey.

Um, I'm a monster.

And a bastard.

And I'm sorry.

And I know I would be nothing
without you.

Forgive me.

How many men did I marry?

Every morning, I wonder which Ian
I'm going to wake up to.

Just trim those...

Maureen. Darling.

How are you?
Very well.

Oh, every inch the Duchess,
as if you'd been born to it.

What a triumph, darling!
It's...it's all exquisite.

You should be very proud.
Mm, I am.

I didn't know that people had
started arriving yet.

Oh, well, we have.

Little old me and, uh,
a special someone

I didn't think you were
expecting.

Oui-Oui, how lovely to see you.

Oui-Oui. That's what I said.

Glorious mink, I think I bought it.

Oui-Oui.

You made it. Marvellous!

What do you think of the old place?

Can you picture yourself here?

Why don't you get yourself
a glass of champagne

and have a poke around and
then cast a beady eye

over the fixtures and
fittings.

Well, she's looking rather good,
isn't she?

What?

Did you invite her?

But, darling, Louise is the mother
of my heir,

it needs her stamp of approval.

And you didn't consider that
it might upset me

when I've put so much work
into this day?

I didn't give you a second thought.

Your grace. Oh, no.

What did you mean, can she see
herself here?

Oh, not now obviously.

Couldn't be under the same roof for
more than a couple of hours,

but later, when I die,
my son will be Duke.

It'll be up to him and it's
traditional to have one's old mum

rattling around in one of the wings.

And what happens
to me when you die?

Well, I imagine you'll be sad
for a little bit

but then you'll marry some ghastly
banker and off to Monaco you'll pop.

No, Ian, what happens to me in
Inveraray?

The home that I've built,
what happens?

Well, that will also be up to my son
and he's very fond of his mother.

Does this mean I've got
to make friends with her?

I think it might help, yes.

Then that's what I'll do.
That's the spirit.

By the time I'm finished with her,
she's going to adore me.

If she doesn't s*ab you in the neck
while you sleep

I'd call that a triumph.

Oh, here they come.
Shall we, your grace?

Margaret.

Don't push her in
the lake or anything.

Of course I won't.

Promise.

THUNDER RUMBLES

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations!

Speech! Speech! Speech!

It's been one of the greatest
privileges of my life

to restore Inveraray Castle to such
magnificent grandeur.

An enduring legacy for my husband
the Duke of Argyll and his heirs.

Yes, indeed!

CHEERS

"I love you so much.

"I am so happy my sons are yours,
not Ian's.

"Your own, Louise."