02x03 - i'm Wild and Crazy

[bunniefuu]

Okay, never have I ever gone skydiving.

Never have I ever gone skydiving naked.

- With triplets.
- All right.

(FREDDIE LAUGHING)

Look, I dated adventurous,
body-positive triplets.

And if you wanna get me sloppy,

stay on the triplet thing.

We just know you're still bummed

about breaking up with Double Dutch,

and playing Never Have I Ever

is a surefire way to get you drunk.

I'll go again.

Never have I ever completely screwed up

my friend's app launch party
in a mind-bogglingly stupid way

- by making it a funeral.
- (LAUGHING)

Now me.

Never have I ever been divorced twice.

Before I turned .

Why'd you drink?

Oh, I just wanted to remind
everyone that I'm not yet.

I don't want to play anymore.
This game's boring.

Oh, let's play that game where everybody

just takes sips whenever they want.

Commonly known as drinking.

Yeah, you don't like playing this game

because you've never done anything.

I've done stuff.

ALL: Mm.

Why doesn't anyone say, "never have I ever

gotten a really messed-up perm"
or "never have I ever

just assumed the show
was called Downtown Abbey"?

We don't say those things
because they're boring.

Well, I guess I'm just
the boring one in the group.

- What?
- That's crazy!

- Have you met Freddie?
- Hey.

Oh, my God, you do think I'm boring.

You're not boring.

Responsible? Yes.

Stable? For sure.

Sensible? The sensiblest.

Well, would a sensible person do this?

What is this?

Well, you never drink anyway,
so I just mixed up

all the expired condiments from my fridge.

And a little tequila.

- Ooh, let me get a taste.
- Oh, no.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me ♪

Wild and crazy thought.

What if we went out tonight?

Carly, you don't have to do that.

You're allowed to be
a sweet little yarn queen.

But I'm not.

Look.

Ooh.

Carly, I don't think you're boring.

I think you're pre-exciting.

Plus, every friend group needs a Carly.

'Cause after a Harper
goes out and gets turnt,

she needs a Carly to Postmate
her hungover ass

eggs Benny the next morning.

Well, what if, just this once,

you take me out and we both get turned?

Carly, I just wanna stay home

and wallow in my post-breakup sadness,

and watch that new Kacey Musgraves special.

That's a surreal, post-divorce fever dream.

It's basically white Lemonade.

Okay. I guess we'll stay in.

I'm just playing. We're going out!

Oh, my God! That was so exciting!

- I'm gonna rip my robe off, too.
- Oh, yes!

Are those unicorn pajamas?

Did you see he's dabbing?

Nah.

(LAUGHING)

You ready to see the new Kevin office space?

Be prepared. It looks worse than it smells.

- This is the Groovy Smoothie.
- It sure is!

Why are we here?

And why'd you have to drive me around town

for two hours blindfolded?

This place is right around the corner.

I had to run some errands.

I like to pay
all my utility bills in person.

I bought the Groovy Smoothie
to make it up to you

for screwing up your Kevin app launch party.

(SCOFFS) Why would you think

that an old, dilapidated smoothie place...

An old, dilapidated smoothie place

that's been closed
due to an oversized rat problem.

...would make good office space?

Because this place is iconic.

Plus, not only do we get an office,

we get to run a restaurant, which is so fun.

You get your own booth.

You get to enter through the kitchen.

You get to send a bottle of wine

to another table and just nod.

You can do that without
opening up your own restaurant.

You can?

Damn it, that's a very expensive lesson.

But look, all big tech start-ups
have unique work spaces.

Etsy's commissary is just
a birdhouse made of hot glue.

You know what? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe this could work.

I could set up a little
office space right over there.

Oh, that's where the koi pond is gonna go.

Obviously. Uh...

Well, maybe I could take over
the second floor

and make that Kevin HQ?

Actually, I was gonna open
a dialysis center up there.

Did you know anyone can start one of those?

Huh.

I'm gonna set up a video call
with an animal shelter in Japan.

I'm trying to get 'em to donate
a bunch of puppies to Kevin.

- Millicent's here to translate.
- You speak Japanese?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I didn't understand any of that.

Do you speak Japanese or not?

Yum! These drinks are so good.

I can't even taste the alcohol in them.

They're dangerous.

(CHUCKLES)

So, what's the wild and crazy
itinerary for tonight?

Ooh, first up, don't use words
like "itinerary."

We're just gonna see where
the night takes us, cool?

Totally, I don't need every
single little thing scheduled.

- Yes.
- No plan, no problem.

Okay, Carly, look,
if you don't wanna do this...

Oh, no, I want to do this.

I've never wanted anything more.

Except maybe an itinerary for tonight.

I'll drop it eventually. Come on, let's go!

(EXCLAIMING, LAUGHING)

Mm! Mm.

Ooh, are those for car sickness?

I would love to get in on that.

Oh, this is ACD.

- It's a new organic club drug.
- How's it make you feel?

Like you just jumped
out of a plane booty-naked,

and as we've established, I would know.

Give me one!

Oh, girl, please, you
are not ready for this.

Oh, come on, I want the full
Harper-night-out experience.

Drinks, dr*gs, triplets, car sickness.

I can handle it.

Okay! (LAUGHING)

Cheers!

Oh, do you have a pill-cutter?
It's a little big.

Swallow it whole or give it back.

Cheers.

Mm!

I think I feel it already!

No, you don't. But I love the enthusiasm.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

I gave the bartender a fake number

and got these drinks for free.

- Ooh!
- (PHONE RINGING)

(GASPS) It's him.

I guess I gave him the right number.

I am wasted.

- Yeah!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm proud of how crazy you're being.

But I wanna get even crazier,

Okay, tell me what to do. What do you do?

Okay, well, you can't do what I do

because you have underwear on.

But, for somebody at your level,

you could kiss a stranger.

How 'bout...

- Him!
- Okay.

Can I kiss you?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Did you see that?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, what crazy thing can I do next?

You could get into a bar fight.

Can it be with the same guy?

I feel very comfortable with him.

Can I fight you?

- No.
- What if he says no?

- Throw a drink in his face.
- Okay.

- Can I throw a drink in your face?
- Just do it!

Okay!

Ah!

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, whatever this feeling is,
I gotta get more of it.

I have to keep it going.

I'm gonna steal the bar garnish tray.

Whoo!

You can keep the olives. Yuck.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

So, thank you for considering donating dogs

for my app, Yusaku.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Ah, you ready for another surprise?

Spencer, I'm in a meeting.

Yeah, surprises don't care
about meetings, buddy.

- No, no, dude!
- One, two, sticks!

Look what I found. T-Bo's old food sticks.

I think that's just a large nest.

Spencer, what about all the office supplies

I told you to get?

It's the digital age, my dude.

No one uses pens or pads or paper anymore.

Now, sticks, on the other hand...

Spencer, I don't know about this whole

office-combination-restaurant thing.

I gotta get Yusaku back.

He probably thinks I hung up
on him, or that I was kidnapped.

(LAUGHING) You're so cute.

I'd totally kidnap you.

Millicent, you're a child.

You believe in magical things.

You think finding these sticks is a sign

to restore the Groovy Smoothie
to its old glory?

I think it's a sign

we should check the freezers for squatters.

I already did.

All I found were moldy
Otter Pops and a severed hand.

Which reminds me, I gotta call the cops.

If it were me, I wouldn't just
redo what this place was.

I would make it what I want it to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, like, instead of food on sticks,

we could do... wait for it...

Food on food?

That could be fun. We could use jicama.

That's what I'm talking about,
jicama is perfect.

What is jicama?

Spencer, would you keep it down?

Yusaku's trying to tell me something.

Millicent?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

What did he say?

He said jicama is a light and refreshing
vegetable you sometimes see in salads.

Oh.

(BOTH CHEERING)

Woo-hoo! Nailed it!

You mind if I leave now?

There's only one more bus
I can catch to get home.

Oh. Yeah.

Man, you are showing me up tonight,

getting all buck wild.

You're not getting turned,
you getting turnt!

Oh, it has a hard "T". "Turnt."

- Mm.
- It has a bite to it.

Look, you kissed, you fought,

you threw a drink in a guy's face,

plus you stole drink garnishes

and you won $ in an illegal craps game.

- Those guys were nice.
- Mm-hmm.

I really liked the guy who got stabbed.

We should've helped him.

Hey.

Let's get inked.

I don't know.

Tattoos are very forever,
and I think you'll regret it.

Let's do something else.
We could go back to the bar

and steal those coasters
that say "You had me at Merlot."

I want to get a tattoo.

Plus, being wild and crazy
means having no regrets.

You know who has regrets?

People who marry
their high school sweethearts?

Boring people.

Come on, let's do it.

All right, let's keep it crazy!

- Okay.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Do you know what you're gonna get?

Oh, no brainer.

A cute little bunny on my right ankle.

I meant, a cute little bunny
holding a Kn*fe,

and a g*n, and another g*n,
on my right ankle.

Left ankle?

Both ankles?

More g*ns. Got it.

Millicent, hey, wake up. I need your help.

Dude speaks English. He knew "jicama."

Ha-ha! Yes! (WHOOPING)

Don't look now!

I'm just kidding, you should look.

Look right at me.

Oh my God, dude, what are you doing?

Well, I wasn't really feeling
the whole food-on-food thing,

then I had a brainstorm.
What about food on wheels?

I feel like you're three ideas away

from something that doesn't even
involve food.

I was trying to think about
what this restaurant should be.

And then I thought, why reinvent the wheel?

That's when it hit me.

Wheels... everywhere.

Freddie, what do you think?

I think I have a work call

and I do not have time for this tomfoolery.

Mm, shenanigans, maybe.

Tomfoolery, never!

Whoo! Coming back around!

♪ He's got wheels
and he knows how to use 'em ♪

You know what, dude,

you were supposed to be my partner in this,

and you haven't done one thing to help me.

I pulled that rat off your back.

There was a rat on my back?

Spencer, at this point
I think it would be better

if you just left me alone.

Fine. I will...

(GASPS)

No!

Yusaku!

Great. I lost him.

I know what we're all thinking.

If the laptop was on wheels,
it wouldn't have broke.

That's not what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking this whole
situation is not working.

Dude, you need to make a decision, okay?

You can keep playing restaurant

or you can work on the Kevin app.

But you cannot do both!

- Help me clean this mess up.
- Do I have to?

Yes, and quickly, before the rats come!

Oh...

I didn't think you'd go through with it.

I'm impressed. Did it hurt?

No. I probably didn't feel it

'cause I'm on so many dr*gs and alcohols.

Well, you know, Carly,
I think we checked all the boxes

for a wild and crazy night.
You ready to go home?

No way. Let's keep going.

Let's do more crazy stuff.

I mean, kindergarten teachers
get drunk and get tattoos now.

Not hating on them. So necessary.

But, like, we can do better.

Why are you looking at that fountain

like a teenager who just discovered p*rn?

- No! No!
- Ah! Yes, yes, yes!

- Carly!
- Yes!

- No!
- Ah!

What the hell, Carly?

We're like the guys on Jackass.

Hi.

You should exit the fountain now.

Carly, come on, let's go home.

This guy seems serious.
He's got a cell phone holster

and a little gold plastic badge.

Ladies, just come out of the fountain.

Or what? You gonna take us to mall jail?

Did you guys steal black lipstick

to get back at your mom, too?

All right, here's our escape plan.

- You distract the mall cop.
- With what?

Okay, fine. I'll sing!

Yeah. But if that doesn't work,

- I can do my Borat impression.
- Ooh.

It's the best.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"My wife."

Wait.

Is this normal?

I know we paid with a coupon,
but this doesn't seem right.

Oh. Well, when you first get them,

real tattoos run when they get wet, mm-hmm.

Why'd you say "real tattoos"?

So close.

The tattoo's fake.

I told the guy to give you temporary ink.

Why?

Because you were only getting it to prove

how wild and crazy you are.

And you wanted a rabbit
with all these weapons.

You don't even like weapons, or rabbits.

I'm gonna need to take
your blood alcohol level.

Blow into this.

How high does it have to be
to get me in trouble?

Because I have a feeling

it's gonna be much higher than that.

Zero point zero.

Yeah, there was no alcohol in those drinks.

And the dr*gs were fake as well.

Look, ACD is just vitamins A, C and D.

You gave me a Women's One-A-Day?

Women's One-A-Day for Seniors.

Well, the joke's on you.

'Cause I didn't take the ACD.

I hid it under my tongue
and then I spit it out,

like a girl in a movie
about an amoral mental hospital.

I can't believe you lied to me.

Hey, all I wanted to do was stay at home

and watch Kacey
find herself through her pain.

Instead, I'm out here playing
cool auntie to quiet niece.

Was the guy I kissed fake, too?

He's my dentist.
He thinks you're cute, though.

You had me throw a drink in his face.

Well, that'll teach him to tell me

how hot my friends are
when he's cleaning my teeth.

Harper giveth, Harper taketh away.

(EXHALING SHARPLY)

Okay. So, I made a list

of all the reasons
to run the Groovy Smoothie

and all the reasons to run the Kevin app.

Okay, under restaurant
I'VE GOT: run my own business,

more keys,

potential to become
a front for the Russian mob,

and install a bidet, but only for VIPs.

And under Kevin app I've got:
I won't let Freddie down.

Well, if you're going with the longest list,

I think it's clear.

If you're going with the dumbest list,

it's also clear.

Yeah, but how do I tell Freddie?

You just did.

Wow, that was easier than I expected.

Look, let's face it, you're not
a good business partner.

I said get an office,

you got a restaurant filled with rats.

Instead of a launch party,
you threw me a funeral.

I fear that every one
of your ideas from now on

is going to involve wheels.

I'd like to tell you that
you're wrong, but you're not.

Wheels of cheese!

I'm sorry, I can't stop.

Look, this restaurant is clearly scratching

some creative itch that you have.

So, you should just do it, man.
I'll be fine.

Yeah, but I don't want to leave you hanging.

Can I just give you money
and have nothing to do

with the app whatsoever?

Spencer, go run your restaurant.

You're the best.

You know, if this is gonna be your place,

it should feel like you.

Yeah, I like that.

It needs to express
the essence of my very soul.

I need to take what's in here
and what's in here,

and put it on here, and also in here.

A new restaurant. They rarely fail.

Can it still pander
to the fans of the original?

(SCOFFS) Of course.

How else are you supposed to succeed?

(BOTH LAUGHING LIGHTLY)

(LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES)

So, I guess you really do think I'm boring.

Why else would have you faked all this?

It's not about that.

I just think that the Carly I know

wouldn't enjoy a Harper night out.

But that's okay.

So, you don't think I'm your boring friend?

The fact that you're knitting
right now isn't helping.

Oh, no, this is crocheting.
That's a common misconception.

Okay, that's not helping, either.

But, Carly, you're not my boring friend.

You're my best friend, and my smart friend,

and my go-to-for-advice friend.

You think I'd ask any of those crazy fools

I party with for advice?

Their fix to every problem
is making a TikTok

twerking in front of an infinity pool.

You know, the real reason
I faked this whole night

was because I wanted to look out for you,

like you always look out for me.

This was my eggs Benny, baby.

JEN: You guys wanna bust outta here?

Stole this flare g*n from my mom's boat.

Next time she gets lost at sea,
this'll show her.

You know what? I think I got this.

Mr. Mall Cop!

Oh, I couldn't help but notice
that framed picture on your desk

of your beautiful baby daughter.

Do you think she might like
this one-of-a-kind,

unique, hand-made scarf?

Oh.

This is almost as special as she is.

Thank you.

Hey, if I let you guys go, do you promise

never to do anything like this again?

No.

Eh, I don't care, we're closing

in ten minutes anyways. You can go.

- (LAUGHING)
- Yay.

Look what Daddy got you.

I still hate you more than Mom.

Never have I ever jumped
into a mall fountain

and been put in mall jail.

No one here can crochet.

Guys, guys, guys! After much deliberation,

I have finally settled on a new name

for the Groovy Smoothie.

At first, I considered The Smooth Groove,

but apparently that's a very
litigious jazz label.

He also considered The Smooth Move,

but apparently that's a very
litigious laxative brand.

So, we landed on this.

Eh?

Do you not see what we're seeing?

Of course I do. Bar F!

As in Bar Food, Bar Fly, Bar Friends.

Plus, we're on F Street.
Guys, it's the perfect name.

Dude, you named your restaurant Barf.

I did do that, didn't I?

Man, I am really glad

you don't work on Kevin anymore.

Really regretting taking out all those ads

that say "Bar F, coming up soon."

♪ ♪