01x08 - Great Sex is...

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

♪ Don't care what
you think about it ♪

♪ Ain't here
to please nobody ♪

♪ I'm a-running undercover

♪ Here comes trouble now

♪♪♪

♪ Me and my wicked ways

♪ I'll get you
into trouble now ♪

♪ It's just
so hard to behave ♪

♪ Got you
seeing double now ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm the one
your mama told you ♪

♪ Oh, boy,
the world is t*rture ♪

♪ A risk you can't afford

♪ And here comes trouble now

♪ Turning it up all night

♪ Got you feeling high

♪ Turning it up all night

♪ Got you feeling high

♪ Get you into trouble now

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- What animal would best
represent me in bed?

I would say maybe a wombat.

Wombats are like, you know,

they're a little pudgy
and hairy, slightly exotic.

They have a strength to them,
but they're cute and cuddly.

But also, you know,
they could be a little vicious

if you mess with them.

- I think a wolf puppy

would probably be
my spirit animal in the bedroom.

I have a lot of energy, and I
want to jump up and down...

[ laughs ]

Bite and scratch and consume
the one I'm having sex with.

- My wife would answer that
question better than I could.

From her perspective,
I'm like sloth or snail.

- I would say a caterpillar,
right? Because here's why.

A caterpillar blossoms into
a beautiful butterfly, right?

And so if the communication
and the consent is there

and I'm happy,
then I become the butterfly.

You get all the colors
of the butterfly.

- When it comes to role playing
as an animal in the bedroom,

I would have to say being a lion

because I'm the type that falls
asleep after sex. [ laughs ]

- I kind of consider myself

a very animalistic person
all the time.

It makes me feel like
I'm some kind of crow or owl.

- Hmm, what animal? That really
depends how I'm feeling.

But I guess I would say a bunny.

Like they're always f*cking,
right? So a bunny.

- Maybe I'll try being a tiger
tonight and see what happens.

[ laughs ]
- Maybe.

- My name is Amanda.
- My name is Mike.

- My name is Angela.
- Augusta.

- Bryan, and this is..
- And this...

- And this...

- And this is our "Sex Life."

♪♪♪

- I think when it comes
to kinks,

a lot of people are just
looking for that permission.

Everyone's got something
that they're into.

Kink is anything that's not
just penetrative sex.

- Being into underwear,
high heels, stockings,

all those things have
become mainstream,

and so many people have those
kinks that it's just normalized.

Other people have really
specific kinks

that socially aren't accepted
in mainstream life.

- Aah!

- Some people have
a sl*ve-master relationship.

Others have
a daddy-voyeur relationship.

We have
a daddy-pup relationship.

And we encourage that and act
on those without shame.

♪♪♪

- We started dating
about five--

Oh, my God.
Five years ago now. [ laughs ]

We met at a library
in the publication section.

[ laughs ]
- No, that's not where we met.

We would go to these kink
conventions and do demos.

- Think of Comic-Con,
but with leather and latex

and just be hallways full
of kinksters of all kinds.

♪♪♪

- And Amp was just kind of
milling around in the audience.

And when I was done with
tying up these jock-like boys,

I kind of had a lull.

And he was cute and I said,
"Do you wanna get tied up?"

And what was your response?

- "I am a puppy and I'm just
here to make you happy."

♪♪♪

Puppy Play is
an animal role play

where generally there's
two people involved--

a top and a bottom.
- Ready to play?

- Yeah.

The bottom gets
into a head space

where they are pretending to be
a puppy that's barking,

that's rolling around,
that's playing.

[ barking ]

Not even necessarily about sex.

People use it as like
a therapeutic

getting out of
their head for the day.

- Bring it here.
- They are not an actual dog.

It's not about bestiality.
- Right here.

- No animals are involved.

[ grunting ]

It's just humans role playing
as an animal.

- Fetch.

- For me, a puppy.

- Mm.

- It's a wonderful,
very intimate thing

that I want to share with him...

- [ speaks indistinctly ]

- ... and that we get
to share together.

It makes us closer.

- Oh, yeah. Love you, puppy.

But it's also bringing in
this new cuddle-loving vibe

that I've never had before.

- We are two kinksters
in a relationship.

I'm into Puppy Play,

and Christopher--
he's into Pony Play.

♪♪♪

This weekend,
we are going up to a farm.

And I'm actually gonna get to
see Christopher

do some Pony Play
for the first time.

- Let's go!

- I've always
seen, like, pictures.

I've seen little clips
here or there,

but I've never really seen it
in person.

Well, I'm excited.
- Are you?

- I think it'll be fun.
I think it will be interesting.

- It's not gonna be weird
seeing me led around and...

- I don't think it'll be weird.

I mean, you're getting
to express yourself.

You're doing it with people
that you trust.

- Pony Play is a BDSM dynamic
people get into

to experience
the feeling of being a horse.

And sometimes it can be erotic,

but a lot of times, it can be
just the mindset of it.

- So how do ponies talk?
Like, how do they communicate?

- They whinny,
which I don't know how to do.

They nuzzle, and they trot.

- Can you give me
your best whinny?

- [ imitates horse whinny ]

Yeah, see? Not good.
- We'll work on that.

♪♪♪

[ rain falling ]

[ rooster crows ]

Here we are.
The cute little white house.

[ dog barks ]

- Being born in Wyoming
and growing up in Colorado,

horses have always just been
this kind of spiritual,

peaceful animal to me.
[ horse blusters ]

So that's why I kind of
gravitate towards them.

Hi.

[ horse nickers ]

Well, hello. [ laughs ]

- Hi.
- [ grunt s]

- Chris and myself both have
our own kinks and our own people

that we play with on occasion
because we are open in that way.

We are poly.
- Hmm.

- It's all about love
and having a good time

and expressing ourselves and...
- Like showing up.

- Yeah, you're so cute.

- [ laughs ]

- So let's go in back.

- We'll see you later.

- All right, show me what
we're working with.

- Okay, so this is
the main barn.

What would you normally do in
a place like this? Ooh, rope!

- I wouldn't gallop or trot,
but there is lots of bondage.

Tie points. Bobby!

- What?
- Get down there.

- [ chuckles ]
- You're incorrigible.

See, this is the difference
between puppies and horses.

Horses don't climb.
I don't think puppies do either.

- I don't think puppies
do either.

- [ lowered voice ] Shh!
Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

So I do have dynamic
with my puppy

where I'm his dom,
and he's my sub.

But also, I like to be
submissive, and I like to serve.

Danny and I have played before.

And I knew he's dom enough
to control me.

- I had never thought
about being a Pony trainer

until I met Christopher.

Pony Play is more of
straight kink culture.

There's not a lot of gay men
who are into Pony Play.

Christopher's kind of rare.

- I'm a little nervous,
maybe a little apprehensive.

But I'm also going into it
with a fascination about it.

It's kind of looking
behind the veil.

- Bobby?
- Yeah?

- Need some help?

- [ laughs ]

- Brush. Brush. Shh.

This one goes...oh, you're
totally in the wrong strap.

That's why. Here, hold that.

- This is why Ponies don't
dress themselves.

- You're a piece of work.
- You're a piece of work.

- Putting on
of the gear is symbolic.

Let's say you work in
a business firm of some sort.

Something that might help you
get into the head space

is you're gonna put on
your suit and tie.

- Um...
- Is it backwards?

- Yes.
- [ laughs ]

- Suspenders, vest, blazer,
dress shoes, you walk out.

And because you look a certain
way, you feel a certain way.

I think yours
is exactly the same.

It helps to tap into this kind
of amplification of masculinity

or this kind of carnal persona.

And so that's like part
of the foreplay.

- Putting on the gear...

that starts to make me feel
like an animal.

It's like becoming
something else.

[ grunting ]

Breathing is heavy
and you feel like an animal.

[ grunting ]

- Ready to go for a walk?
- [ grunts ]

- Show me what you can do? Yeah?

- That's very satisfying.

And in the inside, it plays
my BDSM sl*ve roles.

- Follow me.
Left, right, left, right.

Halt. Feeling good, pony?
- [ grunting ]

- Aw, I think he likes that.
Forward, march!

One of the things I like most
about subbing

and especially Pony Play...
- Halt.

- ...is not having
to make a decision.

[ whip cracks ]
- Go.

- When you're a dom,

you are in control of the scene
at all times.

- Whoa.

- The bottom's getting all of
the pleasure and enjoyment

most of the time.

So subbing and being a Pony...
- Good boy.

- ...is awesome.

[ horse nickers ]

Oh! Oh! [ inhales sharply ]

- Breathe. Breathe.

- I'm into impact play,
so I'm into flogging and whips.

- Chest out.

- [ mutters and laughs ]

[ laughter ]

- Chin up. Good Pony.

Oh! [ laughs ]

If you're warmed up gently...

Oh! [ laughs ]

It wakes you up.

Ohh! [ laughs ]

Oh. [ laughs ]

- [ laughs ]

- Whoo. Aah!
- I love my job.

- And your endorphins
start to flow.

The harder they hit...

- Oh! Oh!

- The more endorphins go out.
- [ laughs ]

- Oh! Oh!

Aah! [ groans ]

- Very well done. Very well
done. What a show pony.

- [ grunting ]

- You look so beautiful
with those on.

Head down.

[ horse blustering ]

Go forward, Pony.

You have such a nice ass, Pony.

I get to look at this all day.

Slow. To your right.

Forward. Halt.

Shall we adjust the hood?
- Slip it in the back maybe?

- Okay. Does the strap
need to move up?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Nope.

- Just this.
- Uh-huh.

- Are we good?
- Uh-huh.

- Go.

- Chris is definitely
a workhorse.

- There we go.
- [ grunts ]

He is a big, strong stallion.

And that's who he is and wants
to express in the inside.

- [ grunts ]

- And that's really beautiful
because you're not filtered.

You are in your own space
in that point in time,

which is just gorgeous.

So did you have a good time?

- Uh, yeah.
It was very interesting.

Because I really sink
into the head space of it,

especially that one part where
I kind of--my hood fell

in the beginning
because it wasn't tight enough.

- I saw that. [ laughs ]

- So all I could see
was the ground.

[ laughter ]
- I saw that.

That's why I immediately went
over and pushed it back up.

- Thank you. You were attuned
to those things,

and you saw them and fixed it.

That was kind of
comforting to me.

- Aw. I might be the puppy
and I might be the submissive,

but I'm always
taking care of him

the same way
that he takes care of me.

That's our dynamic. That's how
we are with each other.

I had a good time, too.

I thought it was very touching
seeing you connect with someone.

It was really cute,
and Danny's a lot of fun.

- Yeah.

- And there were just little
bits and pieces where I thought

it was really funny
to watch you.

- [ laughs ] Okay.

- Thank you for letting me
watch it.

- Yeah.

♪♪♪

[ horn honks ]

When it comes
to animal role play in general,

there's a lot of misconceptions.

People see the gear and they
see the harnesses and the latex

and the leather and they just
think that people are...

- Freaks.

- Yeah, well, for lack
of a better term. [ laughs ]

- It's consenting adults just
enjoying themselves.

Good boy, good boy.

- When I'm in, like,
Puppy Play head space...

- You wanna play?
- [ barks ]

And we're going to be getting
into a very personal,

very intimate space that only
we're sharing with each other,

I really enjoy being submissive
because I'm giving myself fully

to someone that I trust, that I
know understands what I enjoy,

but that is also
looking out for me

and my best interests
at all times.

- Kiss this side.
Kiss it. Good.

[ moaning ]

- You're
in this heightened state

that's almost spiritual in a way

that you're sharing
with someone.

It's really beautiful.
- [ moans ]

- We have
a very loving relationship.

- Up! Come on.
- And it's evolved over time.

- Good boy.

- My collar--
it's almost like a wedding ring.

- It's between us.
- Yeah.

It's a relationship.

- [ moans ]

- Why do you have to call it
anything else?

- [ moaning ]

♪♪♪

- Have I ever named
any of my body parts?

Uh, you know, knee, ear, elbow,

like I just use
the standard names.

- Baby Baphomet. That'd be
a cute name for a vag*na.

[ baby voice ]
Little baby devil.

[ laughs ]

- I do call my vag*na,
uh, "her."

So in times
when I'm extremely horny,

or I'm really interested
in finding a sex partner,

I like to joke,
"Yeah, she's on the hunt.

'Cause it's not really me.
It's her."

- Yeah, there was one person
I was with.

His was "the weapons
of ass destruction." [ laughs ]

- These are my webs,
and this is Penny.

Because my husband's penis
is Piggy,

and Piggy is going to pig pen.
So this is Penny.

[ laughs ] So stupid.

- Just with
my high school girlfriend,

we use to call my...
[ chuckles ] "the lighthouse."

Uh-oh, the lighthouse has
awoken from his slumber.

- I don't know if we have
names for body parts yet.

- Mnh-mnh.
- So do we call him Derek Booty

'cause he's got quite
a nice booty.

- Well, these are my chi-chis.
That's not really a nickname.

It's just fun to say,
like, "Say Chi-chi."

- I mean, I guess sometimes
we call Matt "coarse cock."

Just depends, you know?
- [ laughs ]

That's actually true.
That's funny. [ laughs ]

- I've had girls
who named their vag*na.

I thought it would be odd.
It's not.

That means like, this--
"My vag*na's named Mary."

I'm like,
"Why? Why is it named that?"

"That rhymes with hairy."
So now I'm f*cking Hairy Mary.

♪♪♪

- Joshua Tree and the desert
are an amazing setting

for couples to drop
into a deeper connection

and bring that intimacy back
into the relationship.

There's just something about
being in nature alone

and being stripped
of a lot of the things

that are normally around us.

- It creates space, stillness.
The desert is transformational.

There's magic here.

It's hard to describe.

- After seven years of being
with someone, we're in love,

but at the same time, we are
struggling in the relationship.

This weekend gives us a tool
maybe to fall in love again.

- When I first met Michael,
the sex life was incredible.

It's just like we jumped
into it pretty quickly.

But then we got married,
and then we started a business.

And I realized that we weren't
connecting physically

or intimately as much as we were
in the beginning.

Like, I'd be lying to say
if I didn't experience doubt.

Are we a right fit?

- That's fancy.

[ gears shift ]

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi! Welcome. We're so glad
you guys are here.

I'm Alexandra Roxo,

and I'm a spiritual teacher
and transformational coach.

And I am here this weekend
to lead a retreat for couples.

- Oh!
- [ laughs ]

My name is Joe LeMieux, and I'm
a meditation and yoga teacher.

When we host a retreat
like this,

what we find usually is that
the couples that show up

really want to drop
into a deeper connection,

more intimacy
in their relationship.

- Take your shoes off.
- Okay.

- And--and get cozy on the--
- Did you meet yet?

Did everybody meet?
- No.

- No.
[ laughter ]

- I'm Jamie.
- Jamie?

- I'm Alex.
- Alex.

- I feel like the connection
between Jamie and I

is very strong, loving,
and very deep.

- Okay, cool.
Let's close our eyes

and take a moment to arrive.

- Coming on this retreat
seemed like a good opportunity

to be closer to each other

and explore new parts
of our relationship, I guess.

- You're just starting to drop
into your breath.

[ exhales deeply ]

Just sending yourself
the message that I'm here,

I'm present, I'm open.

- [ all exhaling deeply ]

- If you could leave
this weekend

with a gift
to your relationship,

what might that be?

This weekend, we'll practice
different things,

practicing love,
practicing connecting,

practicing being vulnerable,
practicing being open.

Because sometimes we forget.

- I want to find out the sex is

and how you can invite more
pleasure, more spontaneity,

into that world
and find out how it's going.

So tell me everything.
- Everything. [ laughs ]

- All areas of the relationship
are related.

So you can't really
compartmentalize,

oh, the sex is bad,
but the love is great.

'Cause it's just not.
It's all connected.

If the sex is off,
it's an indicator

that there's some block
to true connection.

- A lot of it has been
my relationship with sex

after marriage.
- Mm-hmm.

- You know?
Like, it's so different.

There is
definitely something in me that

started to shut down where I was
not finding myself desiring him.

There was an energy shift.

- I feel like--
like we have regular sex.

I want it more than she does,

and I think it's because I have
not created a space

where she can be fully relaxed.

I would love to have that more.

- Yeah. Well, allowing her
to open in a way...

- And I have to open, yeah.

- He is so attracted to me

nonstop to the point
where I feel like

I go into--like, that's when
I go into protector mode.

- Yeah.
- Like, okay, I need just

to be in my own personal space.

- Desire is a complex thing

because sometimes too much love,
too much cuddling,

too much touching,
takes away desire.

I feel like it's always like,
okay, now we have,

you know, half an hour.
We're tired already.

It just needs to happen because
it hasn't happened in three days

because we are working from
6 a.m. till 10 p.m. every day.

- Mm.

The reason that we put together
these workshops

in the first place is really
to draw together that intimacy.

If you're building intimacy

and you're doing, like, really
deep intimacy exercises,

your sex without a doubt
is going to get better.

- We're gonna start the evening
with a little meditation.

And then we're gonna share

our intentions
for the weekend together

and really talk
about why you came.

You're here
for the relationship.

This weekend is about
having better sex.

So when you work on the space of
connection and communication,

you're opening up the channel
for better sex.

- We're running a business,
so we're always on it.

And I really want to--
for myself,

I want to have this space
to allow love to arise.

I feel like I become
needy easily.

I love, like, bodily attention
and--and hugging.

I feel like she doesn't need it
so much than I do.

And just asking what I want
can push her further away.

- I come from
this massive Mexican family,

and, like,
everyone's so judgmental.

And, like, I realize how much
of that I've taken on

and so because I find myself,

like, being in,
like, judgment mode.

- I feel like I'm--I'm judged
from you, and you don't say it.

- It's probably true.

That's not what I want.
Like, I don't want the person

who I love most
to feel that way.

And it's not necessarily
something I'm proud of.

There was definitely a time
this week

where I was feeling the--
like, a lot of anger.

And feeling like, okay, I gotta,
like, clean this sh*t up...

- Mm-hmm.

- Because there's no room
for that here.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

- So in a second, we're gonna
switch into some practice

before we close the evening.

I can see it in the way
they look at each other

and the way that they interact

that the intimacy
has been sort of compromised.

They know that if they come here
and that they spend this time,

that they are gonna have go
into the scary territory

of dealing with some of the sh*t
that they don't want to.

But it seems like they're
super stoked to do that.

Close your eyes.
I just want to draw a connection

to the heartbeat of the partner
who's laying down.

The reason that you put your
hand on your partner's heart

is to really connect you
to your partner.

For the receiver, it is a big
challenge to allow yourself

to just relax
and receive that care

and allowing your heart
to drive the communication.

You want to invite the partner
who's laying down

to just receive.

- His hand felt so heavy.

This is the story
of our relationship.

His energy feels so heavy
for me sometimes.

This is supposed
to be super simple,

and yet I'm feeling disconnected
from him.

Is this gonna work for us?

Are we going to be able to take
everything in and apply it

and get what we want out of it?
I don't know.

Just allowing your hand,
your touch,

to provide
a gentle sense of safety.

- When Marissa put her hands
on my heart,

I felt that she tried to hold
back to put her full weight

with her arms and hands
on my heart.

I wanted to let go and, like,
put her hands fully on my heart.

I feel really bad and sad
inside, actually.

- That is the completion
of our first session together.

It felt more like
a disconnection

than a connection, actually,
at this moment.

♪♪♪

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Hello!

- These are your spots

'cause Joe's gonna take
your beautiful,

amazing partners outside.

- See you later.
- Bye.

- Thanks. You, too.

- It was clear that last night
Marissa and Michael

had some trouble even in that

really simple connecting
exercise.

- [ exhales deeply ]

- She's feeling kind of
smothered even by his presence.

So this morning, we're going to
split the couples up

with the men and the women.

I'm going to try to get
some vulnerability

in a space
without the partners present.

We're gonna start our time
this morning

in a safe space, just us.

And I want to lead you guys
to practice

feeling the spectrum
of your emotions.

And the way we're gonna
do that is using breath.

This is basic breath work.

For the women,
it's gonna be important

in order to feel their feelings

and feel connection that it's in
the body and not in the mind.

The breath slows down the
nervous system which opens us.

And in that opening,
we find love.

So breathe into my hand here.
[ inhales deeply ]

And big breath and then...
[ exhales deeply ]

And, Lenise, I want you
to take your breath

even bigger over there.

- [ exhaling deeply ]

- Because a part of her feels
unexpressed,

what I want to do is create
a space where she can open.

- [ exhales deeply ]

- I feel like she's ready to let
it out in a way

that feels safe to her,
that it isn't under pressure.

[ exhales deeply ]

- Our partners are doing work
on themselves, deep work.

So we need to be able
to match that.

What I'm hoping to do
with Michael

is get him really connected
and deep into his body

and what his purpose for being
in the relationship is.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to rub your hands
together

and just take
a nice deep breath, connect.

I really want to wake him up.

Good.

And I think that for him,

it involves doing more work
on himself.

Move closer so that you're
coming knee to knee.

Put your hands up
in the air, thumbs up. Good.

Michael believes that
by being so loving to her

that that is actually serving
the relationship, and it's not.

It's too much for her.
He needs to, like, back off.

Good, good. Keep going.
Fight through the challenge.

Match breath. Go, go, go, go.

- [ exhaling deeply ]
- I'm ready to add

some more sound on your exhale.

- This breathing--
it's challenging.

You know, it really is like
doing crunches,

but from the inside.

- Give yourself the opportunity
to try something.

[ exhales deeply ]

- [ groans and laughs ]

- A lot of times for women,

all the past hurts start
to rise, and tears come.

- [ exhaling deeply ]

Once I got to that point,

it, like, took me into an even
deeper layer of emotions

and just, like, going into that
state of vulnerability

and, like, allowing myself to--
to cry.

It's something that I always
would put the brakes on.

- Open your eyes.
Go right eye to right eye

and begin breath power again.

- [ panting ]

- Grab. Grab. Grab.
Yeah, good. Hold your partner.

- I like to please everyone.

I want to make sure everyone
is happy all the time.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I need to let it go.

♪♪♪

- Wow, you guys look amazing.

Today's exercises
were all to soften and open

so that tonight
you can have a date night

and a night of connecting,

but from that place
that you found earlier.

The evening will be a journey
through the senses.

There are five different
stations set up in the house

for you to experience a ritual

of connecting with the sense
and each other.

What we've set up are these
kind of like micro dates,

little experiences.

And we'll do little experiences
in different rooms of the house

for them to visit as if they're
on an adventure date.

I love that every single day
we are creating together.

From the moment we wake up
in the morning

till the moment we go to sleep,
we're creating a space for us.

- [ chuckling ]

I'm trying to break through
the shell of Marissa.

Vulnerability is necessary
to feel each other

to tap into our hearts
and connect on a deeper level.

So I'm hoping that Marissa
is able to find

even more vulnerability in her
being so we are connecting.

- I realize in our relationship,

he's the one constantly
after me.

And it was nice to be
in a space

where I'm giving myself to him
without him chasing me.

- Mm. Thank you.

- You're welcome. It's funny
because as massage therapists,

we're constantly connecting
physically to others.

It's like when we do it
for work,

it's not something
we necessarily are like...

[ laughs ] really wanting
to do it for each other.

But I love how open-hearted
you are

and how much you strive
to just be

the best man
you can possibly be.

I think there are definitely
moments where it was fun,

but probably not feeling, like,
super connected.

Because there is some kind of,
like, unfinished business

that hasn't necessarily
been addressed quite yet.

♪♪♪

- Well, we're gonna end with one
more short practice together.

We facilitate a process
with breath,

with the gazing of the eyes,
and we see what comes up.

Gazing left eye to left eye and
breath from a deep belly breath.

We really want to pierce
one more veil.

By staring your partner
in the eyes and just breathing,

taking away words, that's where
the intimacy happens

'cause that's an opening.

So giving them that container
where we're there

and we're like, "You got this,"
something will happen.

- Jamie and Michael, just start
to bring and invite in

what we talked about
a little bit this morning

and feel what she's giving
to you right now.

- For me, it's super important
to being in a masculine space

so she can feel me and just,
like, allow herself

to just be vulnerable and open.

- Loosen up. You can--
you can allow that.

- Then I see him moving
and then I get--

- You don't like it.
Okay, so give him a reaction,

a nonverbal reaction here.
- [ growls ]

- So that's how it feels, right?

So you lost trust when
he did that. Is that correct?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Is he bringing you enough
that you're willing

to take the risk
and go there again?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah? Okay, good.
So take a deep breath.

- [ inhales and exhales deeply ]

- And stop smiling, Michael.

Hold the space, drop the jaw.

- You want to stay
authentic always.

So if it's more frustration,
let it out.

- Alexandra was guiding me
to these spaces, allowing myself

to be completely self-expressive

and not having to necessarily
do so in words.

[ yells ]

- Good, good. Breathe.
Allow that. That's fine.

Allowing myself to just
sound out the feeling

of what was coming up,

and I didn't realize
how annoyed I would get

at some of
the simplest, smallest things.

Aah! [ growls ]

Being vulnerable is giving
myself total permission

to feel what I'm feeling.

A lot of times,
I don't let myself go there.

It's a scary place.

- Don't judge yourself.
- [ groans ]

- Yes, keep--keep going.
Let it out.

- [ crying ]

- Let it out. Up and out.
You're doing good.

You're doing so good.
Sound, yes.

- [ sighs and gasps ]

Ugh!

[ exhales deeply ]

[ screams ]

- Good. Breathe in
and breath deep.

- [ inhales deeply ]

- Let it out.
- [ sobs ]

- Yes. Don't stop.
I know it's hard.

There's people here.
You're doing so good.

- [ sighs ]

[ screams ]

[ groans ]

- I want you to give him one
piece of feedback.

"I would need you to..."

I would need for you to keep
this solid foundation

for me to do this and feel safe
to express myself fully.

I feel like I have to put
a cap on it or to...

be peaceful
all the f*cking time,

to be okay to...

...f*cking lose it sometimes.

- I felt her. I felt her heart

in that moment
when she was sharing.

I felt like this deep sense
of connection to her.

- Just receive it and not
process me and try to fix it

and make me feel wrong.

- So how might he do that?

- Soften the gaze,
soften the jaws,

soften the heart.

That felt really nice to be
able to make that connection

to what Alexandra
was talking about this morning.

It was just pure emotion.

Wow, I really love this man
and how he's showing up for me

and how I'm feeling
so supported and loved by him.

I feel it's like less pressure
on my heart.

- Mm.

- I feel like I'm--
I'm starting to reconnect.

I feel like we're moving
as a unit forward.

It just feels right.

Like, I feel so much more closer
to her

than before we came
into this work.

- [ laughs ]

Like, it's way more
of a massive shift

than I thought I was gonna get.

- Thank you for honoring us
with your time.

♪♪♪

- I've never watched clown p*rn.

I've watched little people p*rn
and a lot of double penetration.

- I actually have
a clown fetish.

I love watching clown p*rn.

I love jerking off
to clown p*rn,

and I've actually had
clown sex a few times,

and I have to say
it was extremely exciting.

- Clowns are kind of
terrifying to me. [ laughs ]

They're just very creepy,
I would say.

- I'm not a big fan
of clowns in general.

I watched "It" when I was
little, like the original "It."

It definitely scared me a lot.

- I dated a clown.
The first date, I saw her naked

and I was a little disappointed

because her feet
were normal size,

but other than that,
beautiful, beautiful woman.

- This one time
with an ex-boyfriend,

he wore a clown mask,
and we were having sex.

And we're about to climax and I
thought I should be respectful.

I should look at him
in his human face

before I actually climaxed,
and I was like,

"Take off the mask."
He took off the mask.

I totally lost my erection.

♪♪♪

- You want something exciting?

Staring into
my pretty little face?

Finding yourself...aroused?

By awe of quality, it's like
a big good or your pink nose.

Big shiny, pink lips. Oh, yeah.

Clown features turn you on.

Don't you just love...clowns?

♪♪♪

[ birds calling ]

I'm Kitzi.
I'm a mother of two.

[ laughs ]

I live in sunny Florida.

You can see me on the beach.

You can see me tanning
at the pool,

out paddleboarding,

a very normal life compared
to what you picture

when you hear
clown dominatrix, right?

I've been a clown dominatrix
for seven years.

Before I started as Kitzi, I
bounced around from job to job.

I was a bartender, I was
a waitress, I was a stripper.

I very much enjoyed stripping.
I loved the sexual aspect of it.

I loved putting on a show, but
something wasn't quite there.

And the first time
I filmed in clown makeup,

I realized this is it.

Oh, it scratched that itch.

[ singsongy ] I have something
you really want,

you really want.

Clown p*rn is really hard
to find online.

Uh-huh.

I saw no domination,
no humiliation, no power play.

And so it was very important
to me to create the p*rn

that I wanted to see.

♪♪♪

I think I was drawn
to clown domination more so

than a more vanilla domination
because I was raised by a clown.

My dad's been a clown
my whole life,

and that was a huge influence.

And I really put that
into my mind that I also want

to follow
in his big, clowny footsteps.

I also wanted to be a clown.

I still go to his house,
and I'll see a prop I want,

and I beg for it.

Like the carousel pony
that appears in my videos a lot,

my dad made that.

The clown faces that appear,
my dad made that

because he's still
a big influence on my life.

I so admire him
and his character.

And it makes me feel
really good knowing

that there's
no time limit on clowning.

I can be a clown well
into my 60s as well.

We're gonna get it
with the gumdrop glitter.

Ahh! Right now I'm looking
for a new clown nose.

I need to replace
my clown nose once a year.

It just gets worn out,
cracked, full of glue.

You can pick it to sort of
extend the life of your nose.

But I think we're going to go
with a slightly different shape.

I'm thinking something
a little more upturned

and snobby
like a clown princess.

It's so cute.
That's the next one.

Oh, look how snooty.

Maybe I could even get a new wig
to wear with it.

Because I have been a ginger
clown for quite some time.

Maybe it would be fun
to switch it up

to a pale pink glittery nose
and some pale pink hair

and just be a little
cotton candy princess

for a while.

When people come
to Kitzi's Online Circus,

when they see and notice
the little details

like rhinestones on my face,
the perfect wig,

the perfect nose,

it helps them sort of meld
into my little world with me,

because I'm already
in character.

I need to bring them
into the world with me

where, yes, clown dominatrixes
do exist

and they do strive
to overrule human men.

That's the whole goal, right?

Just getting them to be
little slaves and b*tches,

let them feel like
they're here with me,

and those little details
are what makes it.

♪♪♪

When I'm getting
into clown makeup,

I never like to start
with a bare base.

I usually like to start painting
over my human foundation

that I've already had on
for the day.

I've always liked a more
lived-in, grungier clown

like they've been
in their makeup for hours.

And so mixing the greasepaint
with a foundation

gives more
of a realistic effect.

And then I do
the arched eyebrows,

which also helps kind
of reel people in a little bit,

because a sign of recognition
that humans do with each other

when they recognize
another human,

they subconsciously raise
their eyebrows.

I do dark, dark makeup around
my eyes, nice and dramatic.

Because clowns should have
big doe eyes to drag you in.

I always glue the rhinestones
to my face because it's fun,

and I like to sparkle
even with my makeup.

I typically go
for big, pink lips.

I over-line mine
so the big kissy clown lips.

And I draw on a big happy smile

because I'm always
a happy clown.

And then I'm ready
for the final step,

my personal favorite,
gluing on my clown nose.

It feels so good getting to
those final steps

from putting my nose on,
I'm putting my wig on.

I am fully in character.

The transformation is complete.
I am Kitzi.

I'm ready to put on a show.
[ gasps ]

♪♪♪

- When I was younger,
I desired humiliation.

- Well, I'm a standup comedian,

so I am very used
to humiliation,

but in
a completely nonsexual way.

- I had a client that liked me
to dress as a n*zi

and yell racial slurs at him.

And that was
a little extreme for me.

- I do know people
who are into humiliation.

They have a lot of, uh, stress
in their life.

They're also
in high-powered positions.

They spend the entire day
telling people what to do.

And so I think they need
that balance.

- I would always say
I hate being humiliated.

I hate people making
fun of me and stuff.

But, like,
when I give her the power

and we make it erotic,

it's a whole new experience
and sensation.

I was really starting
to like it.

- I do not like to be
humiliated, no.

I am the dom. I am the queen.

- I think that there's all
types of people in this world,

and we shouldn't be shy about
the things that get us off.

♪♪♪

- I have no real scripts
written out for today.

I prefer to give myself
a few prompts

and sort of ad-lib it
from there.

We're definitely going to be
doing some footwear sh*t

because I just got
a new cotton candy pedicure,

and I want everyone
to appreciate it.

Probably a strap-on
worship video

because I really feel like
playing with my d*ck today.

Probably
a come-through-your-pants one

where I'm going to instruct
my viewers to masturbate to me,

but they're not allowed to take
their cocks out.

They're just gonna have
to rub it through their pants

like a big old clit.

They're gonna have to do that
if they want to get off,

or they can go to bed with
blue balls. That's cool, too.

♪♪♪

After my makeup has set,
it's time for wardrobe.

The night before I film,

I always set out
two or three outfits

with all of the accessories
so I'm not scrambling around

at the last minute
for whatever look I want.

I have my go-tos.
I'm very fond of leotards.

I'm very fond of corsets.
I love ripped up fishnets.

Love them all,
just like my face.

I don't like them to be
perfect. I like a lived-in look.

[ bell tinkles ]

In my teeny, tiny,
little leotard... [ gasps ]

I know that makes your little
circus peanut so hard.

You want to pump it for me?
[ gasps ] No, leave it in there.

A lot of times,
I describe my job as clown p*rn,

which isn't entirely accurate.

I mostly just say that because
to my viewers, it is p*rn.

They are jerking off to it.

What it really is
is clown domination.

If you want to get off
to me today,

you have to
rub it through your pants.

I can get off rubbing myself
through my leotard,

so I don't know why
youwould struggle.

Domination,
when you think of it,

you think of
leather, whips, chains.

Rub the balls to your groin.
Get some double action there.

I think it should be more
whimsical and fun and open.

Rub it through your pants
like a little bitch.

I bet you can do it.

It's a circus. You're going to
be able to explore fetishes

you never have before.

Don't you want some
rug burn as a souvenir?

[ gasps ] Of course you do,
because that's what I want.

And to make a man not only be
turned on by a clown,

but to submit to a clown,
gives me like a rush of power

to know
that I can do this to people.

Rub it through your pants.

It's fun to humiliate them.

[ singsongy ] Oh, strudel.

Look what I've got here for you.

[ gasps ]
Some sweet...feet...treats.

[ cackles ]

I've got two different flavors
going today--

Blue Razzmatazz
and Pink Clown p*ssy.

When people hear "humiliation,"

they get really uncomfortable
and think that I'm bullying

these poor men
who are just little victims.

But what a lot of people
don't realize

is that these men love this.

This is what they want.
This is what gets them off.

...a dirty little pervert,
and you...start...stroking.

Breathe them in!
[ inhales deeply ]

Humiliation is not something
that men feel comfortable

asking their spouses for
or their sexual partners.

Like they're a freak for asking
to be humiliated or degraded.

It's very freeing for them
to come home and have an outlet

where they can truly be
themselves.

Stroking. [ gasps ] Oh,
you can't get enough of them!

Keep stroking for me, strudel.

And from feedback I've gotten,
a lot of them

have written to tell me,
"Thank you.

I was never able to live out
these fantasies."

And so for them to finally have
this release,

it makes them
feel so much better.

You were such a good boy
coming through your pants.

[ giggles ]

Maybe tomorrow, strudel.
You can try again then. Mwah!

Clown domination allows me
the freedom to live my own life.

I do have two children.

It allows me to stay home
with them and raise them.

I can film for four hours,
go pick up my kids,

go to the beach.

I'm the one running the circus.

And it's really cool
because this never has to end.

I don 't ever have
to stop clowning.

My dad is well into his 60s
and still clowning,

and I would be
a really hot grandma clown.

- Sex is a conversation
without words, but with bodies.

- You can have great sex
and not come.

I think, if you're present,

you're really attracted
to somebody,

you put in the effort,
you're not selfish.

- Great sex is connection.

- Good sex is like a great
movie, I think, where it's just

like, "g*dd*mn! When's
the next one gonna come out?

That was great!
Let's do this again."

- It's the perfect balance of...

loving and tender,
realistic, not too sweet.

- There's a lot of people that
are gonna

just automatically assume that
we are, uh, open to anything,

and that's not the case.
- We--

- We have a foundation
of principles

that we base our relationship
off of and we stay true to that.

- Great sex
is playful, passionate, fun.

- Great sex is possible.

- Great sex is exhausting.

I want to hibernate for, like,
nine months after great sex.

- Some advice?
Just don't settle.

Someone will come along

and they will knock
your f*ckin' block off,

and wait for that person.

- Sex is an important part
of love.

But I don't think sex and love
are the same thing.

Love is like something where
you don't even have to have sex

for months at a time, and you
can just be around somebody

and you're fulfilled.

Sometimes, yes,
I have sexual needs,

or I just need to go out
on the town and just f*ck.

- Everyone's always looking
for, you know,

that mind-altering sex,

and it's like sex in general
can be really amazing

and really transformative

without requiring
that expl*si*n.

- I think it's all a matter
of turning the page,

trying different things out,

the same way I don't find
nothing wrong

with using a dildo
on my partner.

I'm confident in myself,

and I think that's
what it really comes down to.

- Great sex is a special gift.

Great sex is...

an important part
of every human being's life.

♪♪♪

♪ Get down on your knees

♪ And worship me

♪ Go down in the conversation

♪♪♪