08x03 - All in the Family

[bunniefuu]

Brad!

(SIGHS)

How many times have I told him
not to leave these lying around?

Huh.

This'll show him.

What am I doing?

Honestly, what do you think?

It's kind of a "lumber jacket."

Yeah! Yeah! That's good.

I'm wearing this to kick
off Woodworking Week.

Honey, listen, the
Calvin Pine collection.

You smell kind
of like a bookshelf.

Yeah. It's Old Cedar.

It's very sexy.

Yeah? Yeah.

I thought you had to
go to the class today.

Not till about : . Oh, boy!

I have a kind of a window of
opportunity. How about you?

Oh, I've got to be at
Tool Time in minutes.

So, I just have,
like, a little peephole.

Oh, boy.

I can work with that, I think.

No. I gotta... I gotta...

(PHONE RINGING)

Should we get that?

What?

The phone.

No. Let the machine get it.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

JEFF: Hey, bro. It's Jeff.

Listen, I decided to
take you up on your

invitation to have dinner
and watch the fight.

Although I may be a little late

because I have an
appointment with my podiatrist.

Tim, I've got a fungus
infection between my toes

that would just
turn your stomach.

Just ignore him. He does
that to get a rise out of me.

He won't. JEFF: It's
unbelievable, Timmy!

There's this yellow stuff
oozing out of my toenails.

Actually, it's more of
a light green or a teal.

Hard to describe
on the phone, Tim.

I'll show you tonight
over dinner, okay? See ya.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

That just put a
lock on my window.

Hey, but Daddy's
got the master key!

Okay, I know this.

The cerebrum is responsible
for sensory and neural function,

motor coordination...

And one more thing.

Memory! Damn!

Hi, honey. Hi.

What are you doing
home so early?

Three words. Rag, oil, match.

Well, the boys
are still at school.

How's that window
situation holding up?

Oh, the window.

Actually, I'm wide
open until after : .

And then again
between : and : .

Two windows in
the same afternoon?

There's bound to be
some broken glass.

I'm willing to risk it.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Should we get that?
Let the machine get it.

(KNOCKING)

Jill, honey, it's me, Carrie!

Oh, my God! That's
my sister Carrie!

Let the machine get it.

Surprise!

Hi, Carrie.

What ya doing?

I was looking for a quarter.

I guess I came at a
good time then, huh?

God! What are you doing here? You
never said you were coming to Detroit.

Oh, I got a last-minute job.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm photographing
a magazine cover.

I just thought I'd stop by
on my way to the hotel.

You are not staying at a hotel.

Honey, she's a grown woman.

If she wants to stay in a hotel,
who are we to stop her, huh?

She is not staying at a hotel.

You can stay in Randy's room.

But when you stay down there,

you gotta go all the
way up to the bathroom

and then you gotta jiggle the handle
of the toilet because it kind of runs.

So, I should have Brad
stay down in Randy's room

and you can stay
up there in his room.

Great. Okay.

Tim, is that okay?

I have no idea
what she just said.

But that's okay.

Boy, I wish I could
find a guy like him!

Yeah.

Well, Carrie, when they
made me, they broke the mold.

I believe you broke the mold.

The skin between every single one of
my toes is cracked, splitting and raw.

Could you pass the creamed corn?

There you go.

I'll tell you, this
fungus is painful.

Not as painful as
hearing about it.

You know what's the
worst? Plantar's warts.

You have to scrape that
skin off the inside of your toe...

Okay, that's it. Dinner's
over. Time for the fight.

Yeah. What?

TIM: Carrie, you're home early.

Yeah. Am I glad that job's
over! My feet are k*lling me.

Please, no more feet.

Is Jeff here?

Hi, Jeff. Hi, Carrie.

Oh, it's great to see you again.

Great seeing you,
too. You look terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

And thanks for sending me those photographs
from Tim's Fourth of July party.

Oh, we had a
great time together.

Oh, yeah.

Until Tim almost sh*t
that bottle rocket up your...

Yeah. Heineken anyone?

Nothing like a cold beer before
a fight. Come on. Let's sit down.

Oh, I love boxing!
Who's fighting?

Ironhead Johnson.

Versus my man!
You ready to rumble?

From San Juan, Puerto Rico, Chi
Chi "The Mucho Macho" Hernandez!

I hate boxing. It's
bloody. It's vicious.

Sounds like Jeff's
last marriage.

Yeah. Since the last time I
saw you, my wife and I split up.

Yeah, Jill told me
that she left you

and you're living with
your mother again.

Gee! Thanks for the build-up.

I guess it lost a little
something in the translation.

You think?

I'm really sorry, Jeff.

Well, you know,
these things happen.

So, how long you
gonna be staying here?

Well, my job's over and I really don't
have to be anywhere else for a week.

A week?

Hey, is that all?

Chi Chi!

Man, those body
blows are unbelievable!

Twenty bucks says Chi Chi comes
out of this with a ruptured spleen.

You're on. Okay.

I happen to know he lost
his spleen in the Lopez fight.

That's why he's
down a weight class.

I can't stand this anymore.
I'm gonna go upstairs and read.

Good night, guys.

Was that a tooth that
flew out of his mouth?

Tonsil.

Oh, man!

Oh, this is great,

I love watching sweaty,
muscular guys test their manhood.

You know, in
college I used to fight.

You were a boxer?

Well, I know my way
around the ring, yeah.

They called you what, "The
Humongous Fungus," right?

Get him, Itchy Toe! Hit him,
Itchy Toe! Come on, baby!

Hey, what a fight! What a fight!

Chi Chi must've stopped
sh*ts with his head.

So, he lost again?

No! No! Won the fight.

It was on a technicality.
But a win is a win.

I guess Ironhead's urine
sample came up a bit dirty.

Please, spare me the
details. Did Jeff leave?

No. He's down there
talking with Carrie.

(TIM HUMMING)

What are you doing?

Hoping to log on to Windows .

We can't be doing that. My sister's
gonna be up here any minute.

So?

So she'll be right next door.

And she's not a sound sleeper.

I don't think she'll
be up for a while.

How do you know that?

Because Jeff is talking
about shoes, and feet.

His feet, her feet,
our family's feet.

You know, if you took
a little whiff right here...

You might become intoxicated
by the deep aroma of wood.

You think? I think so.

(JILL MOANS)

(DOOR CLOSING)

That's Carrie! You said
she wouldn't be up here!

Jeff probably
took his socks off.

Well, that's it. We
can't do that now.

Why not?

It'd be too weird. Yuck!

It doesn't bother me.

Well, you'd be comfortable
doing it with a relative in the room.

If you're not comfortable in
front of family, why bother?

I'm sorry, honey.

But there's not any sex
happening here tonight.

(JEFF AND CARRIE LAUGHING)

CARRIE: Oh, yeah.

JEFF: Oh, yeah.

(CARRIE LAUGHING)

Oh, no!

(JEFF AND CARRIE LAUGHING)

I can't believe my sister's
in there with your brother.

I can't believe my brother's
feet are touching those sheets.

We're gonna have to boil
those things, you know.

How could they be
involved with each other?

Maybe they're not involved.

Maybe they just stepped
up here for a quick boink.

This is absolutely unbelievable.
They've been at it for almost an hour!

I had no idea Jeff had
that kind of staying power.

Jeff and Carrie, of all
people in the world?

Well, some women go for
that bald look, you know?

They stare in that shiny head
and they can fix their make-up.

What would my sister
see in your brother?

I just told you. Herself.

No. I don't mean the bald thing.

You know, Jeff
is just... He's so...

So what?

Well, he can't keep
a job... He can't...

Oh, stop it... He's
been divorced twice.

He's, you know, kind of uncouth.

My brother reeks of couth.

And what makes you
think Carrie's such a catch?

Carrie? She's a great catch.

She's an accomplished photographer.
She's cute. She's warm. She's funny.

She's a mooch. What?

How does she always
end up staying here?

She's always on her way to
this imaginary hotel of hers.

The "Holiday Inn Her Mind."

Oh, I don't want
to argue about this.

Look, Jeff is just the wrong
guy for my sister, okay?

What you mean is he's not
good enough for your sister.

I never said that.

But that's what you mean.

Don't tell me what I mean.

I don't need to tell you what you
mean, you know what you mean.

I do know what I mean. And
it's not what you think I mean.

And who are you to tell
me what I mean, anyway?

Half the time you don't
even know what you mean!

What's that supposed to mean?

What do you think it means?

I don't know. I'm not even
sure what the original topic is.

My sister. Your brother.

What? Yes!

You think your family's
better than my family.

That is so untrue.
I love your mother.

I'm not talking about my
mother. How about my brothers?

Your brothers are fine.

Not as fine as your
couthy, intelligent sisters.

What's that supposed to mean?

You think my
brother's a lowbrow.

I never said that.
That's what you mean.

You have no idea what I mean.

Let's not go there again.

You look down on my brothers
because you think they're unsophisticated.

And when you look down on
them, you look down on me.

I do not. You are
being so ridiculous.

I'm just not even gonna
talk to you anymore.

Oh, that'll last
about five minutes.

If I had a nickel for every time
you talked to me after you said

you weren't gonna talk to
me again, I'd be a millionaire.

Oh, please! There's
a dime right there.

Oh, look who came up for air!

Oh!

Hi, uh, Carrie and I were just
upstairs. She was showing me her...

Photographs. Photographs.

That's what you're
calling them now?

JEFF: Yeah.

Jeff's just gonna take me
out to grab a bite to eat.

See ya.

Well, looks like another
Patterson woman lowered herself

to the level of a Taylor man.

You are such a jackass.

Let's see...

(INAUDIBLE)

Jackass one or two words?

Welcome back to
"Woodworking Week"

and our special segment
on dents, defects and gouges.

Now, we've just showed you how
to inlay knots to cover blemishes.

Since we're done
working on Al's face,

we can now start
on this nice table.

Okay, say you have a
lacquered or varnished table...

AL AND HEIDI: You have a
lacquered or varnished table.

With a small dent in it. Doink!

Not to worry.

No need to sand off the finish to
restore this table to its natural beauty.

No, no, no. We're gonna show you
a process that we call "doping in."

Doping in can be done
in one of two ways.

You can stick Tim into the dent.

Or you can apply a small drop
of the same finish into the dent

with a toothpick
or a small brush.

That's right. And once it dries,

just repeat the process
until your dent is filled.

Now, moving on
to a larger project...

We've got Al's mom's TV tray.

Still moving on.

Now, take a look here.

If you have a prominent
cr*ck, perhaps it's spreading...

Moving on again.

You can keep this cr*ck
from getting any bigger

by installing a
decorative butterfly key.

Like one of these ones
I carved earlier today.

Well, Tim, that's made of ash.

I know.

Well, our table is made
of bird's-eye maple.

They're from two
different families.

So what?

Well, ash is a coarse grain
and maple's a fine grain.

They just... They
don't go together.

Are you saying your wood
is better than my wood?

No.

Your wood is classier and
more intelligent than my wood?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about people that
look down on other people's wood.

Maybe your maple
could just kiss my ash.

Okay.

What I would use for a
decorative butterfly would be...

I'm not finished yet.
I'm not finished yet.

You know, just because a
wood is coarse and unfinished

doesn't make it inferior.

You know, I believe this country
was founded on the principle

that all wood has the inalienable
right to become a nice cabinet!

(ALL CHEERING)

What exactly is your point, Tim?

I mean that all wood
is created equal,

regardless of
color, creed or burl.

And fourscore and
seven tables ago...

We'll be right back to "Woodworking
Week" after we medicate our host.

(SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE)

Ha!

Hey, Wilson.

Hi-ho, Jill.

What are you doing?

I am celebrating Yabusame.

You know, at Yabusame time in
Japan, members of the Shinto religion

sh**t arrows to
expel evil influences

and resolve
long-standing quarrels.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, if you have
any extra arrows,

you ought to send one over here.

Problem, neighbor-san?

My sister Carrie started
seeing Tim's brother Jeff.

We won't go into the how,
when and where of that.

But I didn't think it
was a good match.

Tim got all sensitive about it,

accused me of looking
down on his family.

Well, why did he do that?

I have no idea. I have always been
the one who defended his family.

To whom? My family.

Well, you know, my dad.

Oh, yes! The Colonel!

He was a very opinionated man.

Judged everybody
according to rank.

Oh, I remember that. Used to
call Tim "Corporal Punishment."

Well, then he promoted
him to "Major Butt-head."

I never wanted to be like my dad.
You know, look down on people.

That's why I've always been
very accepting of Tim's brothers.

Accepting of Tim's brothers?

If you're trying to imply that Tim's
right, you are way, way off base.

If I was that judgmental, I never
would have married someone like Tim.

"Someone like Tim." Oh, my God!

Listen to me.

I've become my father
without the scowl.

Jill, everybody picks up certain

negative characteristics
from their parents.

Yeah, well, I knew I picked up
negative characteristics from my mother.

I didn't know I'd gotten
them from my father, too.

That hardly seems
fair. Right there.

See, now, by identifying them, you
make the first step to overcoming them.

You know, it took me years of hard work
to get rid of my father's annoying traits.

Really? What was he like?

Odd man.

Kept to himself.

Never really let people
see the whole person.

You look great.

Thanks.

Jeff's taking me to
Sorrentino's for dinner.

Whoa!

So, you two really seem
to be hitting it off, huh?

Well, yeah.

We had a great time
together yesterday, although...

Although what?

Well, Jeff's a nice guy.

But he's had all those
business failures.

He never even finished college.

He's obsessed with his feet.

What do you think of him?

Jeff? Yeah.

I think he's a sweet
and decent guy.

That's what I thought.

And then last night when
he dropped me off, you know,

I just started
picking him apart.

That critical voice you're hearing,
you know where you get that?

It's from Daddy.

What do you mean?

You remember how he used to
put everybody under the microscope?

If you examine anybody that
closely, you're gonna find flaws.

Maybe you should
give Jeff a chance.

I think you're right.

Especially since you're
already sleeping with him.

We did not sleep together!

Oh, really?

No! Well, we started kissing.

And then I remembered
my sister was right next door.

(BOTH EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Of course, Jeff
could've cared less.

He would've been
fine with the door open.

Tim would do it on Tool Time.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Now, listen! Listen!
Ignore that critical voice.

Okay. Okay.

He's been divorced twice.

I met both of them.
He's better off.

Go! Go, go, go!

Okay. Coming!

Hi, Jeff.

How're you doing?

Hey, good news. After our romantic dinner,
we're going to "Fight Night" at Cobo Hall.

Well, that's fantastic.

Yeah. And I got you this.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Yes, I am.

Guys, have a good time.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I saw Jeff's car.
Where's he taking Carrie?

Dinner and a fight.

(CHUCKLES)

Sounds like Friday
night at our house.

Okay, okay.

I was wrong to be
so judgmental of Jeff.

Wow! You were judgmental?

(WHISTLES)

It was that Patterson family
gene just seeping through.

I mean, you guys may be a little
rough around the edges, but, hey...

What's the surprise? You're men.

(CHUCKLES)

And for men, you're very open,
accepting and caring people.

Plus we're really
good at Skee-Ball.

I think that if Jeff happens
to fall in love with Carrie,

she'd be lucky to have him.

Yeah? Uh-huh.

Where are the boys?

At the movies.

How would you like to
cr*ck open that window?

TIM: Hey, Wilson?

Hidey-holy henna! What
happened to your head?

I just saw Al's mom naked.

Look, Tim, that's made of ash.

I know that.

And this table is made of
bird's-eye marble. They're... Marble?

Yes!