08x05 - Al's Fair Lady

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Tool
Time on location.

And now the star of the show,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and, of course, you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

To give something
back to the community,

Binford has designed this
complete workshop on wheels.

We'll be coming into
your neighborhood

to help with your
household repairs.

That's right, we're equipped to fix
your tools, your car, your plumbing.

And on a good
day, your schnauzer.

Let's take a look at
this van, shall we?

It's a custom-made Chevy
half-ton. Custom-made flares.

It's got a duel rear
axle, aluminum wheels,

horse , but
inside is the real story.

This thing is equipped
to fix anything

from a Hoover vacuum
to the Hoover Dam.

Complete set of Allen wrenches,

circular saw, cordless
drill, table vise.

Even one of Al's vices.

And here we have a laptop
computer with a complete set

of home repair
manuals on CD-ROM.

We call it the brains
of the operation.

Something we've
never called Tim.

Moving on.

We even have our own
paint department on this van.

You can create the custom color
of your choice, right over here.

And paint isn't the only
thing we make to order.

Because a working man
works up a hearty appetite.

That's why our circular
saw doubles as a deli slicer.

We'll make you a
salami and oak sandwich.

Or how about a
dagwood, extra lean?

This brazing furnace?
Well, it's also a barbecue grill.

So while we're sharpening
your a*, "a* us" for a hamburger.

You can wash it down with
a Binford milkshake

because our paint mixer
doubles as a blender.

(EXCLAIMING)

What flavor's that?

White semi-gloss.

I don't get it. We've been
driving around for minutes.

Where is everybody?

Maybe nobody has
anything broken.

Something is always broken, Al.

Guys, we forgot something.

(TOOL TIME THEME
PLAYING ON STEREO)

There you go, Smitty.
Brand-new peephole.

That should cut down
on those unexpected visits

from your ex-wife, huh?

God bless you, Tool Man.
You have given me hope.

Okay, Larry. I finished
working on your weed hacker.

Did the work myself, so I gave you
a little bit more power. Gratis, man.

Added a little bit of weight, so
the balance is a little different.

So let me show you
about handling this bad boy.

Al, help me out. Hold it.

All right, safety first, folks.

Always use your goggles.

But now the motor's a little
heavier now. Starting is the same.

All right. Hold on to here. Gotta
give it a crank, there. Oh, yeah.

(MOTOR REVVING)

Little weed here.

Little weed there.

Just like butter!

(INAUDIBLE)

There you go, Larry.
Start some hacking, buddy.

Nicely done, Tim.

Thank you, Al.

Okay, well, that's
it for Tool Time.

Hey, Mom, what do
you think of my face?

It's the most precious,
adorable little face I've ever seen.

No, I'm actually
going for a goatee.

Where?

Oh, no, wait! I see a
little something here.

No, that's a pimple.

Oh, come on, Mom. There's
gotta be something down here.

Why are you suddenly
growing a beard, anyway?

Well, 'cause the
whole team's doing it.

We decided not to shave
until our winning streak's over.

Well, I'm sure you'll
win lots of games

and your beard will
grow in nice and thick.

Yeah. But I don't know why

anybody would want to cover
up that sweet, adorable little face.

Come on, Mom.

(SIGHING) Hey, Brad. Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetie.

Dad, you can see
the goatee, right?

Yeah, but your mom
prefers if I don't bring it up.

Would you...

I'm gonna go wash up for dinner.

What are we having for dinner?

Well, the boys are
having leftover something.

And you and I are going to
Al's new girlfriend's for dinner.

We are? Yeah.

He said that he
told you all about it.

Don't you ever listen
to anything he says?

I don't have to listen
to Al. He's my assistant.

He gets paid a handsome
wage to listen to me.

When are you gonna get used
to the fact that the whole world

does not revolve around you?

I'm used to that fact.

I'm working right
now on "Why not?"

Well, regardless, we're having
dinner with Al and Trudy tonight.

Gee, I can't wait!

He said that they've known
each other for about a month,

and she's really nice.

I know her. They met on Tool
Time. Don't you remember?

She was that frumpy kook
with the rat that did the wiring.

She wasn't really the rat lady,

but the real rat bit
me on the nose?

It's gonna be a nightmare.

It'll be fine.

Oh, you say that now, but wait
till after dinner, Al undoes that belt.

(GROANING)

And those three bloodcurdling
words, "Let's play Twister!"

Do we have the right address?

Yeah, this is it.

She probably lives in the guesthouse
around back. Let's go back there.

I thought I heard
voices out here! Hey!

Hi!

Al, does the owner know
you're in the main house?

Of course she does. The
owner's Trudy. Come on in!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)

Wow! What an incredible house!

Yeah. This thing's gotta
be worth a million bucks.

I mean, a million-two if it's
been re-piped with copper.

This is my home away from home.

And here's Trudy. Oh, hi.

Trudy, good to see you again.

Nice to see you, Tim.

So nice to meet you, Jill.
Al just raves about you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Well, I brought a
three-bean salad.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I tried to stop her.

Don't be silly. I'm sure it'll be a
perfect complement to the pheasant.

Pheasant? That's
my favorite fowl!

Here! Let me take that.
Dinner's almost ready.

Come on. Sit down. Great.

Wow! You have an amazing house.

Oh, thank you. It's been
in the family for years.

You've heard of
the Rockefellers?

Well, of course.

One of them ran
over my grandfather.

That's awful!

How many times did they hit him?

All right, so would anyone like
some wine? I have a lovely pinot.

I'm sure you do. I'll
have the wine, though.

Oh, Al. Let's not do the pinot.

I have a ' Chevalier-Montrachet
I've been saving

for a special occasion.

Well, that sounds wonderful.

Oh, then I'll run down
to the wine cellar, get it.

Oh, you know, I'd better go with
you because the white Burgundies

are hidden in the
east grotto. Excuse us.

I can't believe Al never
told me that Trudy was rich.

Well, you know, that stuff's
just not important to Al.

He doesn't date for money.

He'd date for an onion ring.

She's got a grotto?
A wine cellar?

When I was a kid,

the only thing we had in the
cellar was my grandmother.

"Let me out of here! This duct
tape's starting to hurt me! Come on!"

Well, Trudy seems very
nice. And Al seems so happy.

And I feel so stupid for bringing
a three-bean salad to a mansion.

FYI, that three-bean salad wouldn't
taste any better in a Turkish prison.

Trudy, that was an
incredible dinner.

Thank you. I love to cook.

And I love to eat.

We're perfect for each other.

Excuse me, Trudy. I got
lost going to the bathroom.

Is it left of the bowling alley
or on the other side of it?

Left. Right.

It's hard to believe that you guys
have only been dating a month.

You seem so comfortable
with each other.

I know. Al and I clicked
the minute we met.

Yes, we did.

Although, I was a little g*n-shy about
getting back into a serious relationship.

My last relationship
ended badly, too.

(BALL ROLLING)

(BOWLING PINS CLATTERING)

TIM: Strike!

My current relationship
is about to end badly.

Tim's great, but Al, well,
he's sensitive and deep

and he never stops giving.

You make me want
to be a better Al.

I'm gonna go bowl
one more frame.

Tim, come here. Sit down.

We're both so happy for you.

Thanks.

Al, did you know that today's
our one-month anniversary?

Did I know? You're darn tooting!

Happy anniversary, Gertrude.

Oh, thank you, Albert.

I've always wanted one of these!

A cockroach on a chain.

No, it's a scorpion.
It's my birth sign.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, and I also got a little
something for you, too.

(EXCLAIMING)

I like to save the paper.

(EXCLAIMING)

Look! Oh, this is the perfect
addition to my exotic car-key collection.

Thank you.

Let me take a look at that.

Look at that!

Wow!

That's vintage. It's a Ferrari.
What year was this for?

A ' . For Al's ' Ferrari.

You know, the one that you
like so much in the garage?

It's yours. Happy anniversary.

It's not just a
Ferrari. It's a classic!

The car is completely
inappropriate.

Wrong. It's perfect.

It's dressy, yet casual.

You don't think that it is
slightly insane to give a Ferrari

on a one-month anniversary?

Trudy is loaded.

Her giving him a car is like
you giving me boxer shorts.

You'd have to be shallow not
to see what is going on here.

I see what's going on here.

Al got a Ferrari after
sticking it out for one month!

He holds on for a year,
he'll get the Duesenberg

she's got parked in the garage.

Trudy is a really sweet woman

who has some very serious
self-esteem problems.

She obviously feels that she has to
buy Al to keep him in the relationship,

and I think that Al is
uncomfortable with this.

And he was masking his
discomfort with all that giddy laughter?

So? It's a case of
classic overcompensation.

Oh, stop it. Why are you
picking apart something wonderful

that happened in Al's life?

What? The
relationship or the car?

Both! There wouldn't be a
car without a relationship.

So you're saying that Trudy
is the perfect woman for Al?

You know, you know, I've always
had a good feeling about her.

You said she was a frumpy kook!

The same thing I've called
Al. They're an ideal couple.

You don't care about
Al. Yes, I care about him.

You just care about
that stupid Ferrari!

Stupid Ferrari?

(SIGHING)

For the sake of our marriage, I'm
going to pretend that you never said that.

Where's Al?

You've asked me times.

Why are you so
anxious to see him?

(CAR APPROACHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

The car looks great, Al!

Thanks, Tim.

But there's one thing that
would make it look a lot better.

Me behind the
wheel. Can I drive it?

Please, please, please,
please? I don't know.

Come on, once
around the parking lot.

We'll see.

I'm having trouble
with this car.

Well, it's a -cylinder
Ferrari. It's probably a plug.

I know a guy that'll fix
it. Give me a half hour.

Give me the keys.
I'll take it over there.

It's not a mechanical problem.

I'm having a problem accepting
such an extravagant gift!

I mean, all I gave Trudy
was that scorpion pendant.

Well, Ferrari, bug on a chain...

It's the thought
that counts, isn't it?

I don't know. You've
worked really hard

your whole life, right?

Yes.

And what do you have
to show for it? Nothing!

Now, you have a woman who
appreciates the real Al Borland.

The competent, trustworthy,
nice, wonderful human being.

It's you, Al. You deserve it.

Enjoy this.

I suppose you're right.

Yes. I should just
hold my head up high.

Hold your head up real high.

Yeah! And put the
pedal to the metal!

Pedal to the metal!

And enjoy the
ride that is my life!

Ride that is your life! Yeah!

Here are the keys!
Here are the keys!

There they go!

There they go.

You were fantastic.

I don't understand why you're
so upset about this game.

Mom, it was a disaster. We won
eight to nothing and I scored three goals.

To most people that would be a
good thing. What am I missing here?

No, Mom. I'm missing
something. Facial hair, okay?

The rest of the team looks like ZZ
Top and I look like a four-year-old.

Oh!

Poor baby. I mean, you're
the best player on the team,

and everyone else is gonna get
those coveted facial-hair scholarships.

So what you're saying is I really
shouldn't worry about my looks,

and I should more or less
focus on what's important in life?

Exactly.

(SCOFFS) You're so way off.

Hey, the goatee's coming in!

You're funny.

All right! House looks
good. You look great, honey.

Al let you drive the Ferrari?

Bada-bing!

So how's the relationship going?

Perfect! It's like the
car and I are one.

No, I mean the relationship
with Al and Trudy.

Oh, Al's sitting on top
of the world right now.

Do you mean that he
is % comfortable

with accepting
this expensive gift?

Eighty percent,

but I'll have him all the way
there by Friday, guaranteed.

Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Well, hi ho, Al.

You look like you're getting
ready for the Grand Prix.

Well, I thought I would
embrace the Ferrari lifestyle.

What do you think?

Well, to quote my old friend, the
famous race-car driver, Stirling Moss,

"You look fine."

I stopped by to see if
you'd like to take a lap

around the neighborhood with me.

Well, I'd love to, but I gotta
finish checking this wiring.

Well, no rush.

We still have to wait for Tim to
come back from his test drive.

(CAR SPEEDING)

Assuming he comes back.
I'd hate for him to run off

with Trudy's generous gift.

You obviously are
enjoying it very much.

Oh, I am. I am. I mean, at
first I was a little uncomfortable,

but then, Tim gave me
some very deep insights.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Yeah, he said not to worry
about how much the car costs.

He said even though I thought
it was an inappropriate gift

that I should just
relax and enjoy it.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

And you should've seen the look on
Trudy's face when she gave it to me.

Oh, she was so happy.

So Trudy was happy

and Tim was happy, but
you don't sound so sure.

Well, this kind of puts a little
pressure on the relationship.

I mean, suddenly, you know, the
emotional stakes are much higher.

And what if it doesn't work out?

How can I walk away
without feeling guilty?

You can always drive away.
You've got a really fast car.

Oh, Albert, I'm sorry. Have
you talked to Trudy about this?

Oh, I can't. I don't
want to hurt her feelings.

Well, what about you?

You know, the patriot Thomas
Paine said, "It is necessary

"to the happiness of a man
that he be faithful to himself."

I suppose you're right.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIM EXCLAIMING)

I have just been to heaven,

where, by the way, they
still give speeding tickets!

Gosh, Al. I am so
glad you stopped by.

Guess what I picked
up for you today?

A plane?

No, just driving gloves.

Would you like a plane?

No.

Trudy, I wouldn't. I...

The fact is, I really
don't even want the car.

Are you breaking up with me?

No.

Why would you even think that?

Isn't that the first sign?

The man returns the Ferrari.

Oh, no. Trudy,
I really like you.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

I remember the first time I
saw you, you had that wire

in one hand, and the
rat in the other hand,

and I said to myself, "Oh, boy,
Al! Don't let this one get away!"

Wow. You really don't care
about my money and my cars

and my wine cellar?

No. I care about you.

(STAMMERS)

I just... I would feel a
lot more comfortable

if material things
didn't come between us.

I'm not letting you get
away so fast, either.

"Dear Trudy, I know Al feels
it's best to return the Ferrari,

"and I respect that.

"In the short time I was with
the car, we became very close.

"And if at any point you need
someone to be its big brother,

"please know that I'm here.

"Sincerely, Tim Taylor, the man who
controls whether Al works weekends."

Hi, sweetie. Hi. It
just may be over.

Al and Trudy?

No, no. Me and the car.

Al decided it was a bit too
extravagant, so he gave the Ferrari back.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's not hopeless. I'm petitioning
to be the car's big brother.

I'm actually pretty happy. I think
Trudy's gonna be good for Al.

Yeah, I like her. And she
gave me her pheasant recipe.

(WHISTLES)

Fresh pheasant, fairly fatty,
fricassee it with a flick of fennel,

fling it on the fire, fabulous.

Hey, everybody. Great news!

Hey. Your soccer
team finally lost!

We got k*lled. All right!

I'm excited. Now I don't
have to grow a beard anymore.

Yeah, and when I come to your
next home game, I'll actually be able

to cheer you to win.

Yeah. I'm excited 'cause
now I can fit in with the team.

We decided to wax our legs.

Whoa, waxing!

A pretty weird way for
the Westside Warriors

to wind their way
to the World Cup.

They've known each other for
about a month, and she's really nice.

I know her. They met on Tool
Time. Don't you remember?

She's that frumpy,
kooky... What?

Yeah. She met on Tool Time.
She came there just to be with Al.

She's that frumpy,
kooky woman. Right?

WOMAN: Okay, one more time.

Okay.

She met him on Tool Time.
That frumpy kook that had the...