08x06 - Bewitched

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad.

Happy Halloween.

Wow, is it Halloween already?

Geez! It slipped my mind.

Before you guys go,

would one of you
get me some juice?

Okay.

Oh, cute, Dad.

Nice head.

Cute?

Did I say cute? I
meant terrifying!

BOTH: Ooh!

That didn't shock you at all?

I tried to be scared.

Dad, you gotta face it.
It's a fact of life, you know?

People grow up.

How do you explain me?

I gave up a long time ago.

Good morning, sweetie.
TIM: Good morning!

I have so many
things to do today,

I don't even know
where to get started.

Hey, you could start off with
a nice hot, relaxing cup of tea.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, my God! Today is Halloween!

I almost forgot.

I gotta go pick up those costumes
before Wilson's party tonight.

Honey? What?

Oh! I'm sorry, honey. That
was really an adorable gag.

I've heard this happened
to other guys my age.

But I just never thought
it would happen to me.

I can't perform.

You were great last night.

Not that!

Gags! I used to be the
king of pranks on Halloween.

So far today, nothing.

Well, look, you
got hours left.

I'm sure you can come up with
something totally gross and disgusting.

You're just saying that.

No, no.

I mean it from the
bottom of my heart.

But really, I gotta go pick up
those costumes for the party, okay?

I'll see you later.

Oh! Oh, man! That
was so really scary!

Today, in the spirit of Halloween,
we're gonna take a fresh look

at a room in the house that's
gotten a pretty bad name.

The t*rture chamber.

You know, I don't really
call it a t*rture chamber,

I call it a room of
misunderstood machines.

Misunderstood? Yes.

To "The Tool Man," there's no bad
machines, there's just bad people.

I mean, any device in the wrong
hands can cause pain and suffering.

Well, you certainly
prove that every week.

Can we take a look at
our first device over here?

What's wrong with your hands?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Just fell asleep
backstage. I'll do this...

Probably be up all night now.

All right. Now, look at this.

You don't see craftsmanship
like this anymore.

Thank goodness!

This happens to be a rack.

It was used to
pull people apart.

But not today!

Today it's a lovely
fabric stretcher.

Just follow me.

Let's say you've shrunk your
wife's favorite sweater, right?

A few cranks on this
bad boy, it is good as new.

If your wife happens
to be an orangutan.

Don't rule it out, buddy.

Your old clock is ticking, Al.

And I mean that
in a very nice way.

(THUDS)

(CRACKLING)

You know, I'm not falling for this
ridiculously fake arm for one second!

What are you talking
about, fake arms?

I have a pinched nerve. You
laughing at that? Never mind him.

Now look over here.

A perfect example of a
French Revolution guillotine.

All right. I'm gonna play along
about this fake arm. Okay, Tim!

Now, you want to be very careful
with this machine, you know?

Because it can be
very, very dangerous.

Does this look like a fake
arm? Is this fake to you?

It looks pretty real to me!

Fake arm. It took two people
to operate the guillotine.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

You put la tete in here.

La tete? And then
you pull this here.

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

The pain! The pain!

Are you happy now?

Can we go on with
the rest of the show?

I need to scare somebody.
Didn't it scare anybody?

Oh, well, I... Yes, I was... I'm
sure our audience was terrified.

Let's have a big hand for
Tim "The Scary Man" Taylor!

That was very scary!

As a matter of fact, let's have
a hand for his big, stupid, fat...

(SCREAMING)

I'm the king,
baby! I'm the king!

I'm just about finished
splitting the wood for your party.

Well, thank you, neighbor.
You know, I'm very anxious

to get your opinion of this
woman I've been dating.

Oh, she's great.
Just don't marry her.

Oh, you haven't even met her.

Doesn't matter.

(LAUGHS)

Neighbor, you are
a yuck a minute.

Yuck-a-minute. Yuck-a-minute.

WILSON: See? Even
Mozart's got a sense of humor.

TIM: Maybe you should put Mozart
on the TV show and have him...

Oh! Wilson, help, help, help!

Oh! Oh, I put...

Oh, my God, Tim!

Put direct pressure
on it. I'll call .

Wait a minute. Hold on.

You know what you
should do first? Yes? Yes?

Let's see if the shoe fits you.

Oh.

Oh, my God, Tim!

Are you trying to k*ll me?

Tim, are you trying to k*ll me?

Tim, are you trying to k*ll me?

I mean, I nearly
had a heart att*ck.

You're not just saying that?

Well, I'm still
hyperventilating.

I am the king! I'm the king!

(CAT MEOWS)

Tim, leave the cat alone.

(CAT HISSING)

TIM: It keeps hissing at me!

Happy Halloween, Wilson.

Oh, Jill, you look bewitching.

Thank you.

Yeah. Maybe later tonight we can
go home and make some Munchkins.

Wow! Nice hook.

Is that cold-forged
carbon steel?

It was my grandma's.

Tim, I'd like you to meet my
attorney, Morgan Billingham.

He's helping me re-do my will.

I hope that's a mask!

Well, Happy Halloween!

That is something else, Al.
It's like a moth on steroids.

What happened?

All this coming from a monkey
with clam dip on his tail?

Made you look!

Jill, Tim, I'd like you to meet
Agatha, my special friend.

Hi, Agatha. Tim
Taylor. AGATHA: Hello.

Gee! I thought I was
your special friend.

See, Agatha's the
woman I've been dating.

Oh, it's so nice
to finally meet you.

Good evening.

Well, I'll let you all get acquainted
and go spice up me brew.

Okay. Okay.

Nice cloak. Are you a vampire?

I'm a witch.

Oh! Me, too.
Bibbidi bobbidi boo!

Where's your hat?

I don't wear hats.
I'm a real witch.

I'm a real flying monkey.

So, a real witch. What
kind of witch are you?

I'm a Dianic witch.

I realized my
power years ago.

Now I'm a high priestess at
the Society of Sisterhood coven.

Well, you know what they say...

Nothing says loving like
something from the coven.

Tim, I just had my palm read.

Guess who I was
in a former life?

An Irish lap dancer.

Oh, save me some punch.

Hey. Love some punch.

I hope you didn't make it,
because I'm eye-of-newt intolerant.

You seem to be
intolerant of quite a bit.

No, I'm actually... I
tolerate quite a bit...

You know, that's water-based.
Better be careful. You might melt.

You have no idea who
you're dealing with, do you?

Come on, lady. Talk to
the hand. Talk to the hand.

A witch is one
you should not test

or else her wrath
will never rest.

(HISSES)

Great party. So,
what's with Agatha?

Oh, you think she's
odd, don't you?

Well, I don't know. "Odd"
is kind of a strong word.

Confusing, interesting,
and kind of...

Oh, Tim, you think
she's mildly delusional.

I think she's a certifiable nut
case, to be honest with you.

I find her a little
bit peculiar myself.

Why is she still your
special friend, then?

Tim, I've tried to break
up with her three times,

but she won't take
no for an answer.

I mean, have you ever dated
a woman who scared you?

I mean, if you were in my
position, what would you do?

Well, like you would
tell me. I mean...

You gotta be honest,
straightforward. Uh-huh.

Tell her that it's just, you
know, nicely, that it's over.

Yes. And if that doesn't work,

drop a house on her.

You'll never guess what
the palm reader told me.

Hmm... That you were
Cleopatra in your last life.

No. That I have a nice butt.

Better be careful. He'll be reading
the back of my palm, I'll tell you that.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I just steered Wilson's
romantic life in the right direction.

What are you talking about?

Well, he wasn't getting along
with his new special friend.

So I suggested
he just call it off.

Tim, you shouldn't be
butting into his personal life!

I can't believe
he listened to you!

We're very close friends,
you know? He trusts me.

We talk about emotional stuff.

You know, I'm a lot more
perceptive than you give me credit for.

Really? Yes.

Your tail's on fire.

Wilson's phone is still busy.

It's probably Agatha trying to
yak her way back into his life.

Hey, guys. When's
dinner? I'm starving.

We're waiting for Wilson.

He was supposed to be
here for dinner minutes ago.

(SIGHS) This is not like Wilson.
He's usually very punctual.

Well, maybe the wind shifted,
he caught a whiff of your meat loaf.

Why don't you go over to Wilson's
house and see what's keeping him?

Okay. Okay.

And, honey, while I'm gone,
spray something in here.

Oh, what happened here? Wilson?

Wilson?

Hidey ho! Hidey ho!

Scared me, Mozart!

Scared me. Scared me.

Wilson!

What's your hat doing here?

MOZART: A witch's wrath will
never rest, never rest, never rest.

Something is really weird
over at Wilson's house.

Yeah. Well, duh.

No. It looks like it was broken
into. The house has been ransacked.

In the middle of the floor there's a
bunch of these candles sitting around,

and underneath his
hat is Agatha's necklace.

Oh, my God! What do
you think is happening?

Well, I think Agatha, that hex
nut, has done something to Wilson.

I'm gonna call the police.

Okay. It's number three
on the speed dial, there.

Who's Agatha?

She's that witch that
Wilson was dating.

Mom, it's okay. I'm old enough.
You can say the "B" word.

Yes. I'd like to
report a break-in.

And a missing person.

It's Glenview Road.

I'm the next-door neighbor.

It's Tim Taylor.

What's the name of
the missing person?

Wilson Wilson.

We'll be right over. Thanks.

We're all set.

WILSON: Thanks
for helping me out.

Now we're gonna find
out who's really the king.

Well, the police are
on their way over.

Well, maybe we should
meet them over there, okay?

No, no, no. What if
somebody's in the house?

That's good. That's
good. You guys stay here.

I'll go over there. But I'm gonna
need some protection, guys.

Well, that's a great w*apon
if you're att*cked by a brisket.

Hook, line and
sinker. You were great.

No, no, no. You were great.

Reprogramming that speed
dial was a touch of genius.

I am the queen.

So when was the last
time you saw Mr. Wilson?

Last night at the party.

He was wearing his
grandmother's hook.

He likes hooks. You like
kitchen utensils. Drop them.

Do you know of anyone who might
hold a grudge against Mr. Wilson?

Yeah. This Agatha.

You got a last name? No.

Can you give me a description?

Yeah. She was about ' ",
blonde hair, good-looking, a witch.

A witch?

I better call the boys from
the Emerald City precinct.

No, no, no.

She said she was
a real witch. Uh-huh.

Do we have anything to
link her to the crime scene?

A black cat? A broom?

How about her amulet that she
wore around her neck? It's right here.

Hey, look at that. It's my fez.

I've been looking
all over for this thing.

Your fez?

What happened to the amulet?

Well...

I had it in my hand. You
tampered with the crime scene?

I did not know it was a crime.

I did not know it at the time.

Dr. Seuss claims
there was a witch.

Got something here,
Roberts. Uh-huh.

Mr. Taylor, were you aware

that Mr. Wilson had
recently changed his will?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I met
the lawyer at the party!

Yeah, he had big ears.

Probably came in
handy at the hearings.

Are you also aware that in his new
will you're named as sole beneficiary?

I'm his special friend.

And possibly his wealthy friend.

You stand to receive substantial cash
assets and a uranium mine in Brazil.

I didn't know Wilson was rich.

Special friend had no
idea. That's a new one.

People like you make me sick!

You expect us to believe that
you lived next door to this guy

all these years and had
no idea he was loaded?

Calm down, Maclntyre.
You just got your badge back.

Guys, guys, forget about me.
Shouldn't we be looking for Wilson?

Yeah. We'll get that in motion as soon
as you give us some more information.

Now, look, Tim.
Can I call you Tim?

I'd like that.

You really had no idea about
your neighbor's financial situation?

No, no. I mean, he's a real
simple guy. He eats squirrel.

And he's been wearing
the same hat for years.

Yeah! And that bothered
you, didn't it, Taylor?

Starsky, what's with
Hutch over here?

Tragic tale.

Are you guys accusing
me of something?

No, no. We'd never
consider you a suspect

until we had some hard evidence.

Property of Tim Taylor.

You have the right
to remain silent...

(STUTTERING) Hold it.
That's a Halloween prank.

I just used that, you
know, to scare Wilson.

Well, perhaps you
scared him to death.

I am the king.

All right, Mr. Taylor, let's
run through it one more time.

We've got your fingerprints on the back
door, a will leaving everything to you...

A crime scene
you've tampered with,

and a bloody a*
with your name on it.

Okay, back off,
McGarrett. Danno!

You've also got my theory.

Right.

A witch did it.

Right. Right.

You see, I told Wilson
that she was a little nutty,

and he might consider
breaking off the relationship.

Oh, so you're a buttinski, too?

Back off, will you, Baretta?

My point is, I think she's
doing this to get back at Wilson,

and she's blaming
me to cover her tracks.

So you're saying you had nothing to
do with Mr. Wilson's disappearance.

I wouldn't do anything
to my friend Wilson.

You're k*lling me, Tim.
You're k*lling me, Tim.

Oh, I'd like to k*ll
that damn bird.

This one's a sicko!

Taking you down would
be worth my badge, pal!

Easy, Maclntyre. Easy.

Tim's coming!

We'd better hide! JILL:
Hide! In the broom closet!

Broom closet! Broom
closet! There! There.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, Dad. What's going on?

Well, McMillan and Wife
think I had something to do

with his disappearance.

You?

My name is Maclntyre.

I'm Roberts.

I'm Taylor.

I told him about the witch. Tell
them about the witch at the party.

Oh. She seemed very nice.

Can you corroborate your
husband's whereabouts

during the time of
Mr. Wilson's disappearance?

Oh, yes, I can. He was
with me the whole time.

Thank you, honey.

Except for that minutes
in the middle of the night.

I was in the bathroom.

Alone?

Believe me, nobody
would go in there with him.

You were in the
bathroom for minutes?

I had the annual hot rod issue.

So for minutes
you have no alibi?

Thank you, Brad.

I think we're ready to take you down to
the station for some more questioning.

You can't do that.
He's innocent.

It's that crazy witch.
That's the one that did this.

Better come outside. There's
something you should see.

(LAUGHS) Good going, guys.
That's the witch, right there.

Witch? Mary's
from our crime lab.

No, no, no. That's
Wilson's girlfriend.

She was at the party.
That's the witch, right?

Well, there is a
slight resemblance.

Slight resemblance...
Agatha, right?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

What I do know is this is now
officially a m*rder investigation.

m*rder? m*rder?

Are you saying
that Wilson's dead?

Yes. Wilson's dead, and you're
under arrest for his m*rder.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.

I'm innocent. I've been framed,
here. Honey, say something about...

We just need a
positive ID on the body.

Body? AGATHA: Bring it in.

Is this Mr. Wilson?

JILL: Oh, God! Yeah.

Why'd you do it, Dad?

I didn't do anything.

Boo!

(SCREAMS)

He never saw it coming! Got ya!

HEIDI: You are the king.

I am the king!

Little Mozart. Little
Mozart. Little...

Mozart!

Where are you?

TIM: Hey, Wilson! He's up here!
Somehow he got out of the cage.

He's up here on this wire!

Tim, you be careful!

It's okay. I got him.
He's right next to me.

Come here, Mozart!

(CRASHING) Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa...

(WIRE BUZZING)

Oh, my God! Oh, Lord!

Tim! Tim! Tim,
are you all right?

Tim?

(SCREAMS)

Who's the king now?

Tim's the king. Tim's the king.